On Talking Too Much

I am realizing this week that I probably talk about 50% more than I need to.

It all started about two weeks ago, when The Viking and I were headed over to throw in a neighboring town.  He is a good road trip partner:  easy to talk to, wide ranging conversation, and actual listening occurring.  At one point he said "You know, for the fact that we have been friends for at least 4 years, I know almost nothing about your wife or your kids."

That is odd, I thought.  I did not think of myself as avoiding talking about them.  I filed it away.

This week, I have had the opposite problem at work.  It feels like I am talking too much at work.  I am not sure why - yes, you have to speak to others to exchange some level of information.  What I found, as I considered it, was that I tended to go beyond that.  There is a certain amount of conversation I have to do (in my own eyes, anyway) to keep the lines of communication open.  The problem, it seemed to me, was that sometimes I tend to make conversation because I do not really want to hurry back to my desk to get on the ever growing pile of items that need my attention.

And then last night came the final consideration:  that moment where you think you said something clever, everyone acted as if you said something clever, but you end up with this slightly unsettled feeling in your stomach - "Was that really as funny as I think" you wonder, "or was I just on the edge of being annoying or not funny?"

Which, on the whole, makes me think that I am just talking a lot more than I need to be.

Partially, it probably needs to be properly segregated.  Talk about work, at work.  Talk about not-work, at not-work.  Do not mix the two.

And on the whole, say less than you have to.  Some of that (my wife and children) is probably instinctive from years of keeping my life separate at some level.  But I need to work on separating them out more.

There are places and times and relationships for conversation.  The problem seems to be that I confuse what and when those are.  And certainly, I seem to be pushing the line on where it is all about me and where it becomes unfortunate.

From the Spartans we have inherited the word laconic, which suggests a short, pithy statement rather than a long conversation.  For myself anyway, it might not be a bad things to keep in mind.

A Breakthrough Year?

In talking with A Chailin Ruadh yesterday, we were both lamenting the fact that our lives seem to be in some kind of stasis or time warp, really moving nowhere even where others seem to be.  "You know what I wish for?"  I wrote to her.  "I would love a break through year."  She agreed that such a thing would indeed be wonderful.

Which got me to thinking:  what would constitute a "breakthrough" year?

"Breakthrough:  An act or instance of moving through or beyond an obstacle; a sudden advance in knowledge or technique" (Thanks, Merriam-Webster.)

So, moving through or beyond a barrier, huh?  Some sudden advance in knowledge or technique?

When I think of a breakout, I think of something that is just significantly above and beyond anything that has happened for a while.  Like an actual change in living versus always thinking about it.  Like overcoming some great obstacle in my life that I have been fighting in my life for years.  Like moving forward with one or more of my goals in a way that is demonstrable and noticeable?

Man, when was the last time something like that happened?

I suppose it is just that it does not feel like that kind of thing has happened - in a long time.  The end of the year is a great deal like the beginning of the year; the changing of the guard on December 31st comes to seem the same year after year. 

But what would be like to get to the end of the year and realize that things are different - in a very good way - than when you were started?  What, really, would it be like?  And why is it I have trouble picturing that such a thing would be?

One Of Those Days

Yesterday was one of those work days where you just crawl home hoping nothing else can go wrong.

Oh, I had the greatest of intentions when I showed up, of course.  I was coming off of four days of no work.  What was there that could possibly go wrong?

Well, the wireless, for one. And then the whole stinking network.  And the five things I had to get to instead of the five things that I wanted to get to done.  By the time I left, the greatest victories of the day I could point to was changing a battery to fix a mouse and getting the document I had started working on at 0830 done by the time I left in the evening.

It was not, on the whole, a very encouraging day.  It is the sort of day, in fact, that makes me seriously question what I am doing and why.

There are some days that I feel like I am actually making a difference - in some cases, a life changing one.  But more often than not - and more often than not lately - it feels a great deal more like I am just scrambling to accomplish a series of tasks only to find another series of tasks behind them to be accomplish - perhaps, it might be argued, an unending series of small tasks leading to something that I cannot fully visualize.

I am finding this somewhat problematic.

I am hopeful (but not overly so) that tomorrow will be different.  But even at its best, I am still looking 6 months out and seeing more and more things stretching out over a timeline I cannot seem to see the end of.

Building things is nice.  But sometimes you need to see something you built.

A Few Words From....Tecumseh

"Live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.
Trouble no one about his religion.
Respect others in their views and demand that they respect yours.
Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life.
Seek to make your life long and of service to your people.
Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.
Always give a word or sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend,
or even a stranger, if in a lonely place.
Show respect to all people, but grovel to none.
When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light,
for your life, for your strength.
Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living.
If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself.
Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools
and robs the spirit of its vision.
When your time comes to die,
be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death,
so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time
to live their lives over again in a different way.
Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home."

-Tecumseh (1768-1813), Shawnee Chief

Sunk Relationship Costs

Two days ago I wrote of the fact of how difficult I found it to let relationships go.  Today I suddenly understood the reason why.

The concept is one of business, that of sunk costs, costs that are invested into a project which, whether or not the project succeeds, are non-recoverable.  As Greg McKeown says in his book Essentialism:  The Disciplined Pursuit of Less:

"Sunk cost bias is the tendency to invest time, money, or energy into something we know is a losing proposition simply because we have already incurred, or sunk, a cost that cannot be recouped.  But of course this can easily become a vicious cycle:  the more we invest, the more determined we become to see it through and see our investment pay off.  The more we invest in something, the harder it is to let go." (Emphasis mine.)

Having read that last sentence, suddenly everything became crystal clear to me.  I cannot let go of some people because at some point I had invested so much in the relationship.

Once upon a time, back in the "old days" - say pre-2000 - one simply lost track of people due to moves or time and that was that. Distance was distance and more often than not, a relocation in time or career meant that one simply accepted the high likelihood of the loss and moved on.  But with the advent of mobile phones and cheap calling plans and social media, this all changed:  suddenly the possibility of keeping up with people in real time became a reality.  The investment, it seemed, would not be lost.

But just because something can be does not mean that it will be.

Again, back to the original point of comment:  people move on because, ultimately, we no longer fill a purpose or met a need in their lives (I discount those that leave because of intentionally caused harm, which is both wise and understandable, or unintentionally caused harm, which is wise and understandable from their point of view as well although sometimes confusing).  Seldom do they immediately just "disappear":  it happens instead over period which, if we were honest enough with ourselves and not so concerned with trying to recoup the value of our "investment", we would realize what was happening.  We - or at least I - tend to react by becoming more clingly, more insistent - until the day that calls are no longer answered and the messages disappeared.

Let me be clear:  this is a me thing.  This has nothing to do with anyone else or their actions.  This purely and totally falls on my shoulders.

But falling on my shoulders means I also have the means of resolving the problem.

When I view an investment, I view it from the point of if it is giving me the return I expected.  If it is not, I sell it, accept the loss in revenue and time, and move on.  The same factor should hold true here as well.

Relationships are indeed an investment of time and energy.  But like any investment, they run their course as well.  And only the fool who pretends or does not know better does not realize when it time to simply cut their losses and move on.

Thanksgiving Proclamation, 1789

I do it every year.  Because we need to remember:

George Washington's 1789

Thanksgiving Proclamation

Whereas it is the duty of all nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey His will, to be grateful for His benefits, and humbly to implore His protection and favor; and Whereas both Houses of Congress have, by their joint committee, requested me to "recommend to the people of the United States a day of public thanksgiving and prayer, to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favors of Almighty God, especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness:"

Now, therefore, I do recommend and assign Thursday, the 26th day of November next, to be devoted by the people of these States to the service of that great and glorious Being who is the beneficent author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be; that we may then all unite in rendering unto Him our sincere and humble thanks for His kind care and protection of the people of this country previous to their becoming a nation; for the signal and manifold mercies and the favorable interpositions of His providence in the course and conclusion of the late war; for the great degree of tranquility, union, and plenty which we have since enjoyed; for the peaceable and rational manner in which we have been enable to establish constitutions of government for our safety and happiness, and particularly the national one now lately instituted for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed, and the means we have of acquiring and diffusing useful knowledge; and, in general, for all the great and various favors which He has been pleased to confer upon us.

And also that we may then unite in most humbly offering our prayers and supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations and beseech Him to pardon our national and other transgressions; to enable us all, whether in public or private stations, to perform our several and relative duties properly and punctually; to render our National Government a blessing to all the people by constantly being a Government of wise, just, and constitutional laws, discreetly and faithfully executed and obeyed; to protect and guide all sovereigns and nations (especially such as have shown kindness to us), and to bless them with good governments, peace, and concord; to promote the knowledge and practice of true religion and virtue, and the increase of science among them and us; and, generally to grant unto all mankind such a degree of temporal prosperity as He alone knows to be best.

Given under my hand, at the city of New York, the 3d day of October, A.D. 1789.

- http://www.wilstar.com/holidays/wash_thanks.html

Letting People Go

I have never been able to readily let people go.

I am not really sure where this comes from. I wonder if it comes from a deep seated feeling that people leaving means that I am not good enough or worthy of enough to be maintained.  Or it could simply be from a sense of pride, that horrible monster that says  "You do not leave me.  I leave you."

But if I objectively look at the outcome of the last 35 years, I come away with the sense that far more people have left than have stayed.  And the longer I live, the more attenuated the gaps seem to become, until what would seemed to have been a steady course of land stretching behind me has a series of small islands, more and more which seem to be receding into the Sea of Memory.

People get busy, of course.  And in a society where there is a plethora of things to occupy one's time, keeping up with old acquaintances that one has not seen in years and with whom one shares perhaps nothing in common now- or worse, only bad and unfortunate memories- probably falls to bottom of the list.  As, quite likely, it should.

I get wistful, of course.  It is part of the romantic in me, I suppose - wondering what happened to people, where they are now, what they are doing - not that this information is at all inaccessible these days of course:  give me five minutes and two social media sites and I can general find out.

But that is not really the point.  I can find the information; I can no longer find the people.

That is the most distressing part.  It is one thing to have events wander away from us; it is another thing entirely to figure out that there is quite likely a reason that people are no longer in contact with you.

The fault, I suspect, is largely my own.  Contrary to my beliefs about myself, I have created any number of bad memories for others, no doubt.  I have failed others.  I have been unkind with words and deeds.  I have not always treated others as I ought.

And so now, every time I find such an urge rising up in me - the urge to follow a link, to search a name, to linger over a recent picture and memories - I beat it back down inside and carefully lock it away.    People have chosen. And it is far more important that I respect their choice than fulfill any sort of foolish nostalgia I have lingering my mind. 

The Turn You See Coming

Sometimes you find that you have turned corners and scarcely realize that such a thing has happened.

You suspect it is coming, of course:   like an average city block  you grasp that at some point the intersection will arrive.  You may even have a sense of how far it is until the turn arrives - and then, just like that, it is there.

You probably have made the turn out of instinct before you even thought about it; looking in the rear view mirror you see the traffic that was trailing you headed on down towards what you had believed was your destination.  It was not, apparently:  the turn arrived and for some reason you took it while others did not.

You probably think about it some as you continue on your new course: Did you see it coming?  Did you suspect?  Why did you turn?  And perhaps most importantly, where is it that you are headed now? 

There is probably a pang or two of regret as you continue to motor away.  The destination you thought you were heading to is no longer yours, and the people you thought were going to be there when arrived may not - nay, probably will not be there.  And you have no way of knowing what, or who, you will fine.

But all this is conjecture, of course:  the turn came and you made it and others did not.  All you can do now is to continue to drive into the sunset.

Kindness, Where Art Thou?

Yesterday morning, in a correspondence with A Chailin Ruadh, she mentioned that that her manager had given her a bouquet of flowers for coming in to work on Saturday.  "How kind"  I commented.  "Yes, it is unexpected" she replied.

Which got me to thinking:  Kindness has become a very scarce and unusual thing.

What is kindness?  That is a hard thing to connotatively define.  Merriam Webster would tell you it is the quality or state of being kind, which itself is define as "having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others; wanting and liking to do good things and bring happiness to others."  But that is only a general definition.  Kindness, it seems to me, something more seen out of the corner of our eyes rather than clearly.  It manifests itself in different ways:

- Choosing to creatively discuss a failure and come up with solutions rather than come down hard on the failure.

- Choosing to not draw attention to an issue at in inopportune time when it would detract from the main attraction.

- Helping when it is neither your responsibility nor your job.

- Speaking a kind word when it is not required.

Kindness is not costless, of course.  It costs something to creatively resolve an issue instead of attacking someone or not speaking when to speak would be justifiable or to expend one's time on something that is not in one's area of responsibility.  It costs us our right to ourselves, to perhaps be righteously indignant or angry or to answer questions after the fact about why we chose not comment when things were "blatantly obvious".

Why has it become so rare?  The definition of kind perhaps gives us an answer:  something about one's self and something about one's focus.

For the self, "having a gentle nature, wanting and liking to do good".  This suggests that we have a nature such as this - and a gentle nature is something I would argue is neither valued by this society, this social system, or the values currently transcendent.  Perhaps "wanting and liking to do good" is more universal, but too often it is only defined as good that benefits me somehow, not necessarily someone else.

For one's focus, both definitions focus on others, on helping them and wanting to bring happiness to them.  This, again, would seem to be the sort of the thing that in principle is a thing valuable today, but in practice not so much.

Why?  I wonder if it is not due to the fact that we as a civilization and a society have become concerned (extraordinarily so) with the self, specifically the things that benefit me.  I am not discussing the legitimate concern and responsibility I have to provide for those I am responsible for.  What I am talking about is the very real fact that for many, the universe really does revolve around them.  And in the universe of One (Me), neither gentleness nor others figure as valuable commodities.  They are more additions that can be thrown away as needed in the pursuit of the universal good (which in my universe, is the self).

It may seem that kindness is a bit of a luxury, the sort of thing that people can offer when they have taken care of all that is critical to survival, and perhaps one could argue that this is true.  My counterargument would be that in fact kindness is as critical as any food, shelter, or clothing we need for survival.  Without it, personal relations and society itself become a clashing battlefield of self against self, of my wants against your wants, of seeking the aggrandizement of self over all others.

If you would comment that this sounds a great deal like a vast civil and societal war, I would agree with you that it does.  The question is more "How does one stop it?"

Like more wars, of course.  Except in this battle, kindness becomes both the weapon and the goal to be sought.

Outer and Inner Collapse

I have been wrangling back and forth with myself what to write about.

Part of me really - REALLY - wants to write about current events that suggest that the country, as whole, is pretty much politics.  But that is politics, which we do not do here.  Another part of me wants to write about what appears to be the complete and total moral collapse that seems to have engulfed Western civilization to the point that I do not think that it can be come back from - but again, that seems to border on politics.

And then I realized that really, all of the outside angst I am feeling is really more indicative of my inside angst.

I am feeling cast adrift, caught between the reality that I live in and the reality that I would like to live in - only to discover that the greater reality seems to be completely unraveling.  What good is it if you are good at a job in an industry that failing, or even a society that is failing?  What good is getting halfway to the life you want to live only to have everything around you dissolve?  It is as if you were trying to drive halfway across the country only to run out of gas in the middle of New Mexico with no town or car around:  you are stuck.

Societies, just like economies, are built on an array of almost invisible relationships that ultimately reside in trust and faith in others and circumstances.  Without this faith and trust that a certain cause and effect exists in social affairs, people have no reason to continue to invest in them.  If crime is ultimately not punished, why should one approach the authorities or report the crime - or on a broader level, why pay for the taxes that support the government that is not  doing their job anyway?  It is as if I can see the the strands unraveling before my eyes even as I am powerless to stop it - and am running out of time to do what needs doing before something serious collapses.

It is a bit selfish, I confess, to be more worried about me and mine rather than the greater masses out there. But I am exactly as all I see:  my own trust and faith in this society and civilization has been unraveled, almost to the point where collapse is viewed not so much with terror or anger but rather as something which simply needs to happen so we can all move on to the next phase.

And so I have come to view current events not so much as omens of worse to come but rather as evidence that things are simply crumbling - perhaps a little more quickly than anticipated, but collapsing none the less.  We are not surprised that the waves destroy the sand castle, only that it does not destroy the castle sooner.

My Dwindling Consumption of Entertainment

My consumption of current entertainment has dwindled to almost nothing.

This has been a gradual process, of course.  The last television series I kept up with was almost 20 years ago - and with The Severing Of The Cable ten years ago, such things are now non-extant.  My theater/film attendance, which peaked somewhere around the time of The Lord of The Rings, has also steadily dwindled away to where if I attend more than one movie a year in a theater, it is a remarkable thing,  My attendance of the theater, never something of note, is now essentially limited to plays and musicals I know a child in.

Part of this, to be sure, is financially and technology based.  NetFlix and You Tube have made it easy to find almost anything I want to watch for almost nothing - and if I am really pining for a film, I can go to my local large Quarter Price Books and spend less than the cost of a ticket:  $5 to $10 to own it.  When the cost of a theater ticket is $7 for an afternoon showing and $12 for an evening showing (and even more for one of the fancy Dinner and A Movie places), this begins to make a difference (to be fair, we have a "Dollar" theater near us, although they never seem to be in quite as good repair).

Part, I know, is the fact that these sorts of things are a time sink - and for an unknown product, a great risk.  The average film or play is 1.5 to 2.5 hours, television shows 25 to 55 minutes: is it worth it to risk my precious time on something that I am not sure that I will like with time I cannot get back?  And part, of course, is that the entertainment industry long ago seems to have departed from my values and mores.

But the biggest contributing factor seems to be, remarkably enough, that the entertainment is no longer entertaining. 

Oh, they can be exciting or gripping or occasionally moving.  But even within this there is little sense that I am entertained, that I am being taken away from my existence into another reality and come out on the other side as a better or more thoughtful person.  More often than not, it has come to be something that fills the time (and kills it) and something that is anything that just entertaining.  And why would I pay someone for that?

I am sure all manner of entertainment shall continue to be produced (after all, it does make money for someone), just as I am sure that my consumption of it will continue to decline.  After all, is not part of self sufficiency not that ability to entertain one's self?

The Great Dropping Out

One day - I do not wonder any more if it is in the all that far future - thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people (in my wildest dreams, millions) are going to simply drop out of the world at large.

It is happening, I know, in small numbers now.  But in my soul, my bones, I feel like this is going to start to becomes more and more of a movement.

In is, perhaps, in a sense the quintessential "Going Galt": people realizing that the world simply has nothing to offer them except grief, destruction, and treatment as the financial mule that moves society.

Most people will not notice it in any meaningful way, of course.  Folks will suddenly just seem to be not "around" any more - not in society, not (mostly) on-line, not in the stores, not in the entertainment venues, not really anywhere except the places they choose to be, which likely will be away from the public eye (and consumer spending).

Governments will eventually notice of course:  incentivize people long enough not to be successful and guess what:  they will not be, at least not in any way that is remotely taxable.  Commercially people may notice as large chunks of the economy stagnate:  retail, entertainment, indeed many sorts of things that are not essential to daily living.  Religious institutions may be the beneficiaries of this - not all of them of course, as such people tend to be less about the appearance of the church and the worship but rather about the integrity of the message and the presence of the Holy in the place.

There is a perfectly viable argument to made that even now, to a large extent, society may be disengaged from with none the worse for wear.

Not notified of elections or financial events?  Be honest: to what extent does your involvement in such things matter beyond the initial vote or investment?  Not much, to be sure, until the next vote or next investment occurs.  Things might go really bad?  Possible, but again what will your involvement do except to remind people that you are there?

One day, in the land of drained coffers and wrecked economies and spiritual wastelands and urban centers of decay and rural pastures where all the farming was for corporations, the question will be asked "Where did all the producers go?  How do we get them back?"

The reality will be is that mostly likely, they will not be coming back.  They are perfectly content to live their lives in solitude and engagement the daily act of living without the need of involvement or oversight. 

In the end, it is not those that leave that are the most needy; it is the institutions that drove them away.

Goodbye Bountiful Gardens

Friends - Sad news today. I was notified via e-mail that Bountiful Gardens (www.bountifulgardens.org)  is going out of business after 30 plus years.

This saddens me greatly.

I think I first found Bountiful Gardens in 2004.  They had an amazing selection of heirloom seeds reasonably priced (my wheat, corn, and barley yields that year were never beaten).  The service was prompt and friendly, and it came to where every year I looked forward to getting their catalog and planning both for my regulars as well as my 2-3 larks I would try just to see if they would grow.

I have no idea why they are going out of business (and they apparently have not announced it) but I will miss them a great deal.

One thought: currently they are selling almost everything at 15% off, so if you want to pick up some unusual seeds now might be the time.  I am building up my grain experiments....

Any suggestions for other heirloom, non-GMO seeds?

Winter Garden 2017

My 2017 Winter Planting is done.

I have fairly low aspirations this Fall:  Garlic (always the Garlic), two kinds of lettuce, two kinds of spinach, leeks, beets,  barley, and wheat.  This probably a little less than what I usually plant, but then again, my summer garden was nothing to brag about.

A little bit different than other years, of course.  My continued heaping of rabbit droppings and horse litter (wood pellets that have degraded) have composted nicely into a lovely humus that is fairly easy to work and retains a great deal of moisture.  Basing  a little bit off of The One Straw Revolution I have covered the lot with leftover hay from the rabbits.

My plans for this winter?  Not much.  I'll cover the planting with more hay as it becomes available and let the okra and jalapeno peppers (I managed to get three) go until the cold kills them off, but not much more than that.  There is a certain elegance to practicing natural farming, and I intend to see how far I can do it in the home garden.

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place: and in the sky

The larks still bravely singing fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead: Short days ago,

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved and were loved: and now we lie

In Flanders fields!

Take up our quarrel with the foe

To you, from failing hands, we throw

The torch: be yours to hold it high

If ye break faith with us who die,

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields

Lt. Colonel John McCrae 03 May 1915

Be An Individual

On Thinking Deeply

Re-reading The One Straw Revolution by Masanobu Fukuoka, I realize that I am not nearly as deep thinking as I need to be.

"A person can analyze and investigate a butterfly all he likes, but he cannot make a butterfly."

"If you hit the mark on the wrong target, you have missed."

"The ultimate goal of farming is not the growing of crops, but the cultivation and perfection of human beings."

"I probably know more about what can go wrong growing agricultural crops than anyone else in Japan."

Why can I not think like this on a more regular basis?

Two factors, I believe:  Lack of contemplation and lack of purpose.

My days - almost from the time I get up to the time I go to bed - are filled with activity, both mental and physical.  Work has become (literally) a cyclone of activity where I do not seem to have five minutes to contemplate anything, let alone an hour.  But deep thoughts only grow out of the soil of thinking deeply and having the ability to do so (silence plays an incredibly important role here as well).  A constant stream of information flow and decision making, both internal and external, prevents this.

Deep thinking also occurs about something - we thinking deeply about farming or life or love or the nature of rabbits.  Such thinking does not occur in a vacuum.  Without a purpose - in our life or in our thinking beyond the day to day activities we undertake - we do not provide grist for the thought mill.  Bills and documents and pulling the trash out to the curb on Fridays scarcely has the power to generate the sorts of thoughts that change lives (or maybe they do - if your gift is thinking about the very hum drum nature of existence).

Do I have an answer?  Not one that I can readily apply.  Yes, I can perhaps create a little more space in my life for the thoughts to occur?  But on what?  And more importantly, how do I increase that amount of space to think deeply?

The Week of Coupons

This week is the Major Used Book Store's Week of Coupon Sales.  It is my equivalent of Halloween - for 7 days.

It is an escalating addiction:  2 days of 20% off the highest price item, then 2 days at 30%, then 2 days at 40%  and a last gut wrenching day of 50% off.

Oh, I have worked it out to a science, of course.   I start scanning as soon as I get notified of the sale.  There are five locations in my relative area, and I go one by one, looking through the sections that I always peruse for this once in a three month opportunity to build my library.

Once I have decided the what and where, then it is the when - after all, I only have one 50% coupon and that has to be used sparingly.  If I buy this book at 40%, does it come in at or below the book at 50%?  And so it goes.

You may find it a bit foolish that I put this much effort into book purchases.  It probably is.  None the less, for one week every so often I get to to live in the world of possibilities, of maybes and what ifs.  And what a wonderful place it can be.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have something I have to go read...

Thinking On "The Next Phase"

So last night The Ravishing Mrs. TB and I had our second discussion about "The Next Phase".  

A great deal of this, of course, revolves around what the financing of "The Next Phase" looks like.  Sadly (or at least sadly from my point of view anyway) taxes form a fair amount of consideration here.  I have started doing the math on tax rates in places I would consider living (yes, I know, there are tax free states and I currently live in one.  That said, tax free does not always make it a home).  Then balance the tax rate against things like property taxes, housing costs, and cost of living.  Then balance that against what one thinks one is likely to make in a different location, perhaps doing a different thing (acknowledging that what I currently do means I have to live in certain places, so to relocate would be to live in one of those places or change what I do).

The second is simply "What would we do there?"  Here things diverge a bit more.  The Ravishing Mrs. TB would like to travel.  I am not so much for travel but for staying home more and doing "things" - gardening, bee keeping, actual reading and contemplating, actually taking care of things (instead of packing it in around the margins). other sorts of things that I simply do not have the time to do at this point.  There would have to be a compromise, of course:  endless travel is not in the cards and (if I am truly honest) puttering around is not either.  There is a happy medium there somewhere to be made.

Why does all this matter?  Because it is helping me to frame my thoughts and my actions in the next few years, which have become incredibly important in determining what will happen in the years that follow (even something as simple as "Should I buy this?  Do I really need it or could I save the money?  And would I really want to move it?").  Thinking about possibly doing something very different in 30 years is nebulous.  Thinking about doing something different in as early as less than five is completely different.

10 Miles

Yesterday I ran 10 miles (16 kilometers for my Canadian friends).

I do not know that, had you asked me at the beginning of the year, I would have told you that this is a thing I would have ever contemplated running.  Earlier this year, after I ran 7 miles (10 K), I would have told you no way. 

So apparently I lied to myself?

Maybe.  I had signed up with a friend to run it and something else came up and he decided he was unable to make the run.  I was not going to let my registration fee go to waste. 

When I run a race, I have only two goals.  The first is that I complete the race.  The second is that I run through the entire race.  It does not matter how slow I go, only that I keep running.

The (somewhat) surprising thing about this race was how amazing supportive folks were that were not running the race.  A grandmother who just randomly set up a water booth on the course.  Kids who were cheering and ringing cowbells and giving high fives.  The police in general, who are standing there for 3+ hours managing traffic - and in one case, an officer who helped to pull a stroller up a hill.  And of course all the volunteers and support groups just there ringing cowbells and offering water and shouting their heads off.

The most difficult part?  Actually, not the hills (not too many, but I am not a hill person).  It was really miles 8 and 9 when I kept having to fight myself to stop from walking and keep running.  I think mile 8 was so hard because it was the farthest I had ever gone, mile 9 because it was not mile 10.

How did I do?  1 hour 51 minutes to complete the course, average mile of 11:06  Not bad for 50 years old.  I ran it in a kilt because I promised my friend I would, and I ran the whole race - perhaps very slowly at points, but I kept running?

Will I run so far again?  My brain says no, but my heart is already thinking  "You know, a half marathon is only 3 miles farther...."

Be An Individual

Autumn Rabbit Greetings

The Mighty I-Bun

wishes you Happy Autumn.

Now, please send lettuce.

The Economy of Stuff and Ideas

We are passing from the Economy of Stuff to The Economy of Ideas.  And, on the whole, I do not know that this necessarily represents an improvement.

The Economy of Stuff is the economy that the global system has been based on since at least the 1950's.  It is the economy of the consumer, the economy of things at the lowest possible cost.  It is the economy of consumption, the economy of the disposable, the economy of the maker and sellers of things.

The difficulty is twofold, of course.  On the one hand, in order to keep making things at a low cost jobs end up moving from place to place.  Places that made things are replaced by other places that make things more cheaply.  For those that remain, the work they have is replaced - hopefully with something, but sometimes with nothing.  One the other hand, the drive to sell things as cheaply as possible ultimately leads to cheap ways to sell things: small stores are replaced by big stores, bigger stores by chains, and chains by stores on the Internet that can ship things from far away.

Eventually, of course people have more stuff than they need.  And we are making all the stuff we can.  Then comes the next shift, the Economy of Ideas.

The Economy of Ideas is somewhat more nebulous.  It still involves the creation and sale of things, but the things are nebulous, tools that help us accomplish things:  software, designs, plans.  They are higher value things that ultimately help to do lower value things. 

But there is a catch here as well:  ideas cannot be eaten.  They do not directly result in things that can be used.  And they require a fairly large infrastructure of support to make those jobs possible.  And, there are a finite amount of people that can do them due to the education and skill levels required.

What do we end up with?  A society that has started to reach the final point of consumption where it consciously starts to stop consuming.  A society where those who perform lower skilled jobs are replaced by the indirect fruits of those who work in the economy of ideas:  automatic checkouts instead of checkers or even no stores at all, just sorters and delivery drivers (and this, of course, discounts the field of robotics, which at some point will find its stride - and whole new swaths of career fields will become obsolete).  A society where you may have fewer and fewer wealthy and more and more poor, but a society which is also largely paid for by those wealthy.

Do I pine for a return to the old days of "handmade"  On the whole, no - I like convenience and the Economy of Ideas has brought things to my life I could have never imagined.  But economically there are causes and effects:  those out of work buy neither the Economy of Stuff nor the Economy of Ideas.  And the economy ideas often relies on the economy of stuff to accomplish what it is producing.  

If neither side thinks of the other, I am not sure how it ultimately turns out - except that, oddly enough, neither the Economy of Stuff nor the Economy of Ideas can exist without the other.

Pumpkin Spice Seasoning

Because it is the season....

Reflect Jesus, Serve Others

Once upon a time - 2003 - I had a mission statement.  I was very proud of it.  I thought of it all by myself.  It was a pretty good one, I thought, full of purpose and meaning and scope:

To Write for Impact

To Preserve for The Future

To Lead for Change

To Glorify God

Quite the statement, right?  Very forward thinking and action sounding.  Very sort of "Live to leave a legacy".  The sort of thing that future great people have.

Nothing worked out that way, of course.

My "Writing for Impact" resulted in a number of items which did not become the best sellers I was hoping for but fulfilled a dream of writing (and little else).  My blog, although enjoyable (and through which I have met a number of very fine human beings) did not become the monumental change agent for future I expected it would be simply by its existence.  My "Preserving for The Future" seemed to have slipped away when I moved away from where I was thinking I was supposed to be preserving, halfway across the country.

"Leading for Change" never happened.  Despite my rather grandiose imagination, no leadership position appeared - except the sort of leadership positions that are not recognized positions but exist on the fringes of the light, more the sorts of things that one has to do to survive work rather than become drowned by it.  And "Glorifying God" - which in my mind was nothing less than church leadership on a public platform - disintegrated and melted into quiet service in my hands.

The statement itself died a sort of postscript death around 2014, quietly slipping beneath the waves of realities that could not support it.  But I never really thought to replace it until recently.

It has reduced to this:

Reflect Jesus

Serve Others

Reflect Jesus:  Make my life an image of Him in that people see Christ through me.  Be the mirror that reflects Him in their lives, the window through which He can be seen. 

Serve Others:  Always seek to be of service.  Do the work you see that is undone.  

There, I noted as wrote these four words, a rather marked lack of self in them.  Which is actually as it should be.  Nor is there a great deal of direction as to know how these things will be accomplished.  And especially there is no "This is how I will serve God - or not at all".  I think we can agree - or at least I can - that such plans such as I have tried in these matters have, on the whole, ended in rather abysmal failure.

Do I believe that this change in mission statements will somehow lead to all the success I thought I was entitled to?  Not at all - in fact, I have ceased to expect any sort of success at all.  Because the Christian life is never ultimately judged on how "successful" one is has been.  All I can do is reflect Christ and serve others and leave to direction and the outcome to Him.

On Not Being Called To A Career

So last week on Facebook this wandered across my feed:

Initially I posted it because I liked the thought - dig far enough back in my own feed and you will find that "calling" is something that I have struggled with.  But the more I thought about it, the deeper and broader my thoughts became. 

I came to question if there is such a thing as "calling" at all.

I have not totally abandoned the idea - after all, calling in the ministry is something I continue to recognize (with the caveat that fewer people are called than think they are) - but I am considering the concept that for most, calling is a mire created by modern social thinking.

You may, if you are of a certain age, remember a book called What Color Is My Parachute?  This book - updated every year and as far as I know at least in existence for 25 years - uses an assessment of your skills and interests to suggest career fields that you really are made for.   This book matches the zeitgeist of our age, that we are all truly unique individuals and therefore need unique life paths suited to our wants and desires (thus, in a passing mention, the explosion of college graduates with degrees that interest them but no work in their fields.  I am one of those).

There may some value in considering what sort of work we might better be suited for - if I do not enjoy math, perhaps accounting is not a choice for me or if I lack attention to detail, engineering may not be the way to go.  But I submit that the reality is that while these may be indications of certain fields we may do better in, they by no means constitute some sort of "calling" to enter that field.

Work is a great many things, but - as the original post points out - the real point of work is to make a living.  To pay our bills.  To be a responsible adult human being.   Sometimes this may result in a taking and keeping a job that is not our "path" but pays the bills and gives us the most reward for our effort.

A personal example:  Over the past 32 years I have (at one time or another) thought I was "called" to be a teacher, a performer, a writer, a real estate agent, a pastor.  All of these - if I am truly honest with myself - were not completely disinterested choices:  in some way or fashion, they were something I enjoyed doing and figured I was "called" to do.

The reality?  My career during the last 20 years, Manufacturing and Quality in the Biopharmaceutical/Medical Device Industry, has paid all the bills.  The time I invest in improving myself in it has direct and practical financial rewards, a far higher return on investment than any other single activity I have performed for income (by contrast, all 8 of the books I have written have returned me less than $50.00 all told).  If I want to feel like I am "following my path", I write a book or dream big of market gardening or practice the harp harder.  If I actually want to make more money, I learn about regulations and better ways to do Quality.

I have to be the first to admit that finally admitting this fact was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life.  Admitting the fact that this is what I probably do until I retire is even harder.  There is no "calling" in this, no suiting of my personal skills or interests in this.  At best, I adapt those skills and interests to the job, trying to find ways to use them.  But that is a far different cry from feeling like they are manifesting themselves in my work every day.

I do not know that everyone is this way, but it seems to me that most of the people I have met and know are in the same position.  Ask them the question  - What did you major in during college?  How did you end up in your current position?  - and the answers you will quite often hear are a long winding road of searching for a job but taking the one that was offered. 

Perhaps it makes the world a little dimmer - and I would never say that God does not call people (I think He does).  But I think we have done a great disservice to all job seekers by telling them that only the job that matches their skills and interests is the fulfilling one, that all other jobs  which do not meet that requirement are little better than forced labor. 

It is time - and it would be a helpful thing - if those that make their living on finding people the "work they love" would change their thinking to admit that what we really need to start with is "work that pays".  The love - perhaps like the arranged marriages of old time - is something that might come later but if it does not, we shall at least have made a living in the meantime.

Hands Of The Living God

"It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God."  - Hebrews 10:31

Our view of gods, and their power, is little better than the days of the beginnings of Christianity.

To be fair, some people do not believe in a god at all, let alone the God of the Bible.  To a great many others, they believe in some sort of spiritual being, but likewise not God as He is understood in Christianity.  A third group believes in gods or spirits - not necessarily a single one but a pantheon of deities or spirits the dwell within the world, to work good or ill.

These beings' power?  Depends on your conception.  To many, I suspect, their impression is that of Marvel's Thor or D.C.s Wonder Woman: beings that wield incredible power and have amazing abilities but are human like ourselves, possessed of emotions like jealousy and rage, who either seek to defend humanity or destroy it but - ultimately - are not really all that different from it.  To others they are the kami of Shinto or the amorphous being that some define as "God":  a sort of nebulous type, mostly benevolent, with perhaps some ability to do harm to those who do wrong to others.

The Bible's God is quite different, of course.

It refers to God as The Living God, The Only God, The Existent God.  To the Christians of the 1st Century (and the Jews before them) this was stark comparison to the gods around them.  In Isaiah God speaks of those who craft idols and then worship them, who take a tree and use part of it to cook and the other part as the representation of a deity to worship.  These gods, to the Christians, were dead.

But a living God?  And the hands of a living God? A Christian of the 1st Century would have been well aware of what hands could do:  help, hurt, plant, create, kill, destroy.  Hands are the tools of the mind, one of the modes whereby thought and emotion is giving action.

It would be indeed be a fearful thing if, after a life of believing otherwise or even actively disbelieving in any sort of deity or power, to wake up into a Reality that could be scarcely imagined or dreamed of this side of death, to find that so much of what one thought wrong or wrongly was a piece of tissue paper to be torn apart by winds from a Throne dimly seen until then.

The horror - the sheer, stark, unbelievable horror - to fall into the hands of an Omnipotent, Omnipresent God. Having rejected the hand of rescue and salvation, one can only imagine such hands clenched in holy wrath.

October Sun

The October Sun

tries to keep summer present,

but nights say "Autumn".

Take Delight In The Lord

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

This verse has been rolling around in my head ever since I heard it on the radio a month ago.  It has been nagging at the back of my consciousness with the low grade sort of noise one would expect from an important thought one cannot rid from their mind.

Why?  Because it seems to be both an exceedingly great and exceedingly simple process.  One the one hand, take delight in the Lord (whatever "delight" means) - on the other, the "then" statement, He will give you the desires of your heart.  Pretty heady stuff, right?  After all, who does not want the desires of their heart.

But what does it mean to take delight in the Lord?

Delight, in case you were wondering per Merriam-Webster, is "A high degree of gratification or pleasure, joy, satisfaction."  Hmm.  So replace delight:

"Be gratified in the Lord..."
"Find pleasure in the Lord..."
"Take joy in the Lord...."
"Be satisfied in the Lord..."

As I look at those alternates, satisfied is the one that makes the most context sense to me.  "Be satisfied in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  Why?  Because when I am satisfied with something,  I have no need to look to something else for satisfaction.  That thing fills my desires (whatever they are) because it has satisfied them. 

Which I find a bit confusing, of course. If you asked me what the desires - the true desires - of my heart is, they are all the sorts of things that (at least I think) the Lord cannot fulfill in a way that I understand: the career I would love, the relationships I wish I had, the places I wish lived, the things I wish I could do.  That sort of thing.  But perhaps that merely betrays the shallowness of my desires.

If all those things never came to pass, could God still grant me the desires of my heart?  Of course!  Ask all those who, through history, have seemed to have nothing yet have been completely consumed by Him.  It more likely my weakness of sight and insight rather than the facts themselves that preventing me from seeing this so.

A Dry Writing Well

Sometimes the writing well is dry.

It is a funny thing, really, this whole concept of keeping an essentially stream of consciousness writing project going.  Sometimes I find myself inspired, almost burning up within from the words that are trying to pour out of me.  Sometimes I find myself in possession of interesting events that have happened during the day or a conversation that has settled into my thought patterns and will not let go.  Sometimes I actually do something that is blog worthy.

But sometimes, there is nothing.  No words, no events or conversations, no "thing" that is something one can craft words out of.

But writing, I have come to understand, is like any other activity - like weight lifting, for example.  If I only lifted weights when I felt like it, I would scarcely see any results at all.  There are nights - like last night - where the lifting hardly seems to be accomplishing anything at all. But one puts in the work even if it is boring or uninspired because it is the collection of such things over time that gives one the results, not the single event.

So writing is the thing - even when there seems to be nothing to write about.  So what is there to document?

That sometimes the writing well seems dry.  But you write anyway.

To Everyone Doing The Impossible Or Improbable....

When I Let Go Of Who I Am...

A Few Words From... Leo Tolstoy

"The old man sighed, and said: 'You go about the wide world, Ivan, while I am lying on the oven all these years, so you think you see everything, and that I see nothing. . . . Ah, lad! It's you that don't see; malice blinds you. Others' sins are before your eyes, but your own are behind your back. "He's acted badly!" What a thing to say! If he were the only one to act badly, how could strife exist? Is strife among men ever bred by one alone? Strife is always between two. His badness you see, but your own you don't. If he were bad, but you were good, there would be no strife. Who pulled the hair out of his beard? Who spoilt his haystack? Who dragged him to the law court? Yet you put it all on him! You live a bad life yourself, that's what is wrong! It's not the way I used to live, lad, and it's not the way I taught you. Is that the way his old father and I used to live? How did we live? Why, as neighbours should! If he happened to run out of flour, one of the women would come across: "Uncle Trol, we want some flour." "Go to the barn, dear," I'd say: "take what you need." If he'd no one to take his horses to pasture, "Go, Ivan," I'd say, "and look after his horses." And if I was short of anything, I'd go to him. "Uncle Gordey," I'd say, "I want so-and-so!" "Take it Uncle Trol!" That's how it was between us, and we had an easy time of it. But now? . . . That soldier the other day was telling us about the fight at Plevna (A town in Bulgaria, the scene of fierce and prolonged fighting between the Turks and the Russians in the war of 1877). . Why, there's war between you worse than at Plevna! Is that living? . . . What a sin it is! You are a man and master of the house; it's you who will have to answer. What are you teaching the women and the children? To snarl and snap? Why, the other day your Taraska -- that greenhorn -- was swearing at neighbour Irena, calling her names; and his mother listened and laughed. Is that right? It is you will have to answer. Think of your soul. Is this all as it should be? You throw a word at me, and I give you two in return; you give me a blow, and I give you two. No, lad! Christ, when He walked on earth, taught us fools something very different. . . . If you get a hard word from any one, keep silent, and his own conscience will accuse him. That is what our Lord taught. If you get a slap, turn the other cheek. "Here, beat me, if that's what I deserve!" And his own conscience will rebuke him. He will soften, and will listen to you. That's the way He taught us, not to be proud! . . . Why don't you speak? Isn't it as I say?'

Iván sat silent and listened.

The old man coughed, and having with difficulty cleared his throat, began again: 'You think Christ taught us wrong? Why, it's all for our own good. Just think of your earthly life; are you better off, or worse, since this Plevna began among you? Just reckon up what you've spent on all this law business -- what the driving backwards and forwards and your food on the way have cost you! What fine fellows your sons have grown; you might live and get on well; but now your means are lessening. And why? All because of this folly; because of your pride. You ought to be ploughing with your lads, and do the sowing yourself; but the fiend carries you off to the judge, or to some pettifogger or other. The ploughing is not done in time, nor the sowing, and mother earth can't bear properly. Why did the oats fail this year? When did you sow them? When you came back from town! And what did you gain? A burden for your own shoulders. . . . Eh, lad, think of your own business! Work with your boys in the field and at home, and if some one offends you, forgive him, as God wished you to. Then life will be easy, and your heart will always be light.'

- A Spark Neglected Burns Down The House

Acting Against God

That moment when you realize that you have been acting against God.

Oh, you did not view it that way, of course.  You were doing it for the very best of reasons - if you were really selfless, you were doing it for someone else (You were not, of course.  But it is always better to think that you are).

God tries to tell you, of course.  You hit a wall, bounce off.  If you were paying attention to what was going on around you, you would have realized that things were never going to go "your way" in the situation.  But somehow you magically ignore that and try again and again, always with the same result.

"Ah", you say to yourself.  "It must be because I am not serious and committed to (fill in the blank)". 

And then, when you least expect it, that something seems to move in your direction. 

You are ecstatic.  Finally, the noble intentions of your heart were able to do (fill in the blank).  You have enriched this situation, you have helped this person - you are doing it!  You fell yourself to be smack in the middle of God's will.

Never mind, of course, that you really are not, that if you looked at it clinically (the way you look at anyone else in the same situation) you would sniff your nose in disdain. 'That X.  They are always out for themselves.  Is this not evident to everyone?"

But then you fall flat.  On your face.  In fact, so flat on your face it is pressed into the earth.  You get up after a while but somehow in the back of your mind, something is wrong.  A thought is back there, the thought that maybe, just possibly, something is amiss.  You examine it, perhaps even roast yourself a bit over the coals of remorse - but all in the context of not questioning the underlying assumption.  You were "helping" - maybe just not in the right way.

But then you try again.  And get batted out of the sky like a cat catching a bird on lift off.

And then - maybe only then - you begin to see things very clearly.

It was never about you.  Your actions were ultimately about you, but not the situation or relationship.  Ultimately that was about something else, what God was doing in someone else's life.  You misunderstood your role:  you were meant as a support or resting place or even a pack mule to carry someone else.  But it was never meant to end in or at  you.

You were the obstacle.  You became the wall or wandering path or time sink that diverted the person from where they were really going, moved the situation away from what it was supposed to be about.  in the very worst of cases, you were in fact the very thing blocking them from where they were meant to go.

And just like that, everything turns to ash in your hands and in your mouth.

It is at that moment that you have one of two choices.  The first choice is to simply snap yourself back into the illusion of how you were before.  To think that the realization somehow will allow you to approach things or people differently next time (It will not, of course).

The second one, the far more painful one to the ego, is to -with actual humility - admit that this is what you have really been doing all the time.  And then to accept the fact - really accept it in your heart, not just in your head - that you are more than likely the support, the resting place, the pack mule.

And that it really, really is not about you.  And that your reward lies not in doing the situation or having the relationship or being with the person, but in simply obedience to the role - that actual role - that God has called you too.

Does it mean that such things will never work out?  I would be a fool to say "No" definitively, but to say "Yes" would mean a level of obedience and humility that I have never yet been able to observe.  But I suspect that those who actually do this would never actually consider things "working out" in their favor as an option at all.  They understand what their real role is.

A Visit With Infatuation

Infatuation dropped by on a Friday Evening for a talk.

"How is going, friend?"  he asked with those dreamy eyes he always seems to have on - anime eyes, any normal person would call them.  He sort of waltzed in and simpered his way into the lounger that I kept for visitors with the big "sigh" he always - always! - seemed to have when he did any action.

"Oh, pretty well"  I responded, finishing up what I was working on and turning around to face him.  "Thanks for stopping by."

He smiled at me with the sort of smile that tells you he is precisely not thinking of where he is or what he is doing but dwelling on something internal that could not be seen by anyone else.

I sighed.  This was going to be harder than I thought.

"Look"  I said, "there is no easy way to say this so I am just going to do it the hard way.  Your position has been discontinued.  You are being retired."

The smile snapped off his face, replaced by the look of shock I had come to know only too well over the years from hearing the same thing.

"But why?"  he stuttered.  "It is not as if I am doing any real harm.  I think you could make a pretty good case that I am good for morale.  Better than those fools Duty and Obedience, always droning about how we "have" to do this or that.  Good heavens!  I actually a little zest to things around here instead of the gloom and morose feelings that those two spout off.  If it was left to them, we would have nothing but gray days and an ultimate death."

I nodded -after all, I could make the same exact argument about Duty and Obedience.  They did tend to be a little over the top when discussing every that had to be done.  Still, ER (Emotional Resources) was going to throw a fit if something was not done.

I gave a half hearted smile.  "What is or is not is not relevant now.  The fact is that we have had a number of complaints - and yes, before your ask, you know I cannot tell from where.  There is a sense that you running hither and yon is creating expectations that cannot ever be met and starting to force attention to a reality than can never be.  It was perhaps allowable once, but now we are simply past the point where it is anything more than at best a danger and at worst a distraction."

Tears welled up in his eyes. "But what will I do?  I cannot work in the Reality division and apparently Imagination will no longer have me.  I am not aware of another place within the corporate structure."

I smiled gently.  "We know.  And that is why we are not asking you to make the move.  It is a permanent traveling assignment - guaranteed income, health care, and even a travel stipend.  Write some articles that we can put in the corporate newsletter from time to time."

I handed him the letter detailing everything.  He took it with a faintly shaking hand, scanning its contents, then putting it down and sighing again.  "So I have outlived my usefulness, then."

I shook my head.  "Not that at all.  You are right - you do give zest to things around here and your accessorizing will continue to be legend.  No, it is just that we are all in a different place now.  We need you to continue as a morale builder and bringer of joy and brightness  - indeed, we cannot do without it.  It is just that we need to focus our attention on other areas now."

He got up, taking the packet of papers and sticking out his hand.  "I will clean out my office then"  he sad, grimacing.

"Not at all"  I replied.  "Like I said, you are a correspondent at large.  Go find us an interest to get excited about."

I could see him thinking for a moment, then the old smile returned to his eyes.  "Now that you mention it"  he said, "there is a great deal in Bulgaria that I have thinking needs to be investigated further.  I could start with the Thracian tombs..."  And with that he was out of earshot, already planning his next trip.

I sighed as I sat back down.  He was right, of course - Duty and Obedience were a lot duller taskmasters than his bright, shiny face.  But perhaps it was better that he got out now, before the real consequences of trying to have one heart in multiple places a came up at the Quarterly Review Meeting.

Hopefully he would enjoy the yogurt in Bulgaria.

The Process

The Art of Manliness' interview with Ed Latimore (mentioned already here) gave me another concept, one of the most stunning and powerful I can remember hearing in a long time:

If you do not like the process, you will not succeed.

Latimore's point is a profound one.  If you do not enjoy the process of becoming better at something, you will ultimately fail in it because all you interested in is the end product - and if that product is terrible or unsuccessful, you will eventually stop doing it, because of course who wants to do something that ultimately ends in a failure.

Mind you, the enjoyment of process is not just something that comes easily.  Repetitive practice and action of any kind often goes through periods where there is no enjoyment involved. But buried within that grind should come something that we take pleasure in, even if it just the fact that we were able to do it again - all on the road to an ultimate goal, even if it remains unachievable in our lifetimes.

Think on it:  Any activity you have done and enjoyed required far more time that you probably intended:  the garden that needed to be tended every day, the writing that takes place every evening, the golf swings or basketball shots or heavy weight throws, the (literally) thousands of draws and sheathings without a single cut. If we did not somehow like this part - seeing the garden progress, occasionally writing the outstanding essay, visibly doing better as we practiced, or earning a commendation from our sensei - we would have stopped doing it a long time ago.

So the challenge to myself - and you - is twofold:

1)  Look at our activities and our life.  Do we find pleasure in the daily doing of them, the process?

2) If not, we have two choices:  to either find where that enjoyment is and embrace it, or to acknowledge that we do not really care for it and give it up for something we would enjoy.

Solitude

Not in listening,

but in soul's silent longings

we hear most clearly.

The Unadulterated Moment of Knowing

Occasionally, one gets an unadulterated, unvarnished view of how one appears in the eyes of others.

It can be a shocking thing.

In that moment, one of two things happens: either one's worst fears are realized or (less frequently) one is surprised by a reaction that was unexpected.

Sadly, the former is usually the case, something that leaves one reeling the moment after it happens.  The moment can never be called back of course, no matter how hard the other person tries or even pretends that it never happened in the beginning.  The truth is there, stark and unyielding, in a moment that a novel cannot express and and a cinematic trilogy cannot gloss over.  

That moment is the like the splitting of an atom, where the waves of power and destruction ripple around and through one while, somewhat shockingly, everything else in the room remains completely static.  To the outside eye, nothing has changed in the least.  The only evidence of devastation is in the eye's and the unseen realm of the soul, which suddenly resembles the burned-out court in a housing development overrun by fire.

We are a polite society of course, so we tidy ourselves up and pretend that somehow nothing significant has really happened.  An apology may be offered and accepted - as much for appearances as anything else - and the day continues on as if nothing had really happened.

Excepting, of course, the pain in our heart and the dimming of our vision with what might be tears.

Autumn Cold Front

The cold wind pretends

to be Autumn; Summer's sun

declares it a lie

The Santa Rosa Fires

Reading about The Santa Rosa Fire with a heavy heart.

I know that country pretty well.  I have driven up Highway 12 numerous times to wineries.  For three years I cut across the Napa Valley and over into the Sonoma Valley  as part of mydaily commute.  For a short time, The Ravishing Mrs. TB and I lived just south of there in Rohnert Park.  And even as late as earlier this summer, we drove through the very Northern Section to Jack London State Park and then down to Marin County.

To help you visualize, Santa Rosa is an actual city.  When they talk about the Northern part of the city burning, picture an urban area like any other urban area you know, not some highly spread apart area.  The fact that it has reached into a city like this is shocking.  And the fires over in Napa will, undoubtedly, devastate the wine industry in the area (the one - and only -industry in that area).

At this time, they estimate 10 dead, 20,000 evacuated, and 1,500 structures destroyed - and I am betting that the devastation will go up.

Fire seems different, to me, than the risks of something like a hurricane.  A hurricane we can now see coming some days before it actually arrives.  But a fire can move quickly - terribly quickly - and leave absolutely nothing behind in the blink of an eye.  A lifetime's worth of things and memories and investment and preparation can be gone in an instant.

There are some things that we can prepare for.  And sometimes, there are some things for which we can simply weep.

If It Is Not Improving Your Life, Why Do You Do It?

Coming home yesterday evening listening to the Art of Manliness' podcast Not Caring What Other People Think Is A Superpower, I was struck by a singular comment that the interviewee made:  if something is not improving your life, you should not be doing it as it pulls time and resources from the things that you should be doing.

Which got me to thinking:  if it is not improving my life, why do I do it?

Understand me, there are lots of things that can improve one's life that may seem superfluous to an outsider.  I would argue that Role Playing Games, in some ways, do good things for my imagination.  Occasionally the odd NetFlix Episode helps me relax.  And I am sure for each and every one of us there are things which, although foolish or even seemingly time wasting to the outer world, actually work to improve some aspect of our lives.

But when was the last time I looked at my life and evaluated everything in terms of if it improved my life?

We all spend our time doing one of two things: things that improve us or things that that destroy us.  Sometimes the things that destroy us can cleverly be concealed as the things we "have" to do:  the job that requires 60 hours, the friendship that we are always trying to preserve, the thing we do because we have always done it or we have too much money invested in it to quit now.  The reality of these things is that while they may provide activity in our life they do not provide actual improvement.   We could work at the job forever and be neither richer nor better off; we could spend time and effort on the friendship that never goes anywhere other than down; we could invest in activities that we continue to do but never become more skilled at or improve in.  All that time and effort, lost.

The more reasonable position (it seems to me upon reflection) is to question each of these activities and items: Are you helping me to improve my life?  Is my life better because of what you bring?  Do I see a path forward where you will continue to contribute to the improvements I am trying to make?

To those activities or relationships or situations that should not, we should seek to let them go.  But to those activities or relationships or situations that do, we should seek to continue to invest in them and seek to become better at them. 

It is only through improvement that we can ultimately become the best us we can be.

Thoughts on Education - Louis L'Amour

“The idea of education has been so tied to schools, universities, and professors that many assume there is no other way, but education is available to anyone within reach of a library.”

“If I were asked what education should give, I would say it should offer breadth of view, ease of understanding, tolerance for others, and a background from which the mind can explore in any direction. Education should provide the tools for a widening and deepening of life, for increased appreciation of all one sees or experiences. It should equip a person to live life well, to understand what is happening about him.”

- via The Art of Manliness

Think With Your Body

One of the challenges that soke put before us in our most recent  Seminar was to learn to think with our bodies.

(If I may interpolate....)

Think with the mind means I am always thinking of the next action - and only the next action.  I am following a pre-programmed course of action and not reacting the environment around me. I follow the form but without necessarily understanding why I am doing the form.

As Takuan Soho said:

"To speak in terms of your own martial art, when you first notice the sword that is moving to strike you, if you think of meeting that sword just as it is, your mind will stop at the sword in just that position, your own movements will be undone, and you will be cut down by your opponent.  This is what stopping means." - The Mysterious Record of Immovable Wisdom

The true martial artist - as my soke demonstrated - is the one that understands all the inherent strikes within any attack or defense.  The novice performs the form as they have been taught; the master understands the purpose of the form and every potential attack or defense that can spring from it.

To understand this - the true nature of the form that one is doing with the ability to master all the potential strikes - is thinking with your body.  Or as Takuan Soho says again:

"Although if you see the sword that moves to strike you, if your mind is not detained by it and you meet the rhythm of the advancing sword; if you do not think of striking your opponent and no thoughts or judgments remain; if the instant you see the swinging sword your mind is not the least bit detained and you move straight in and wrench the sword away from him; the sword that was going to cut you  down will become your own, and, contrarily, will be the sword that cuts down your opponent." - The Mysterious Record of Immovable Wisdom

Does this matter in actual, real life?  Yes, of course (all martial arts do).  How often do we do the form of a thing without understanding the intent?  How often do we reach a stopping point, sigh, and then turn away rather than figuring a way around or through the problem?  Understanding all the inherent strikes is really a very elegant way of demonstrating the ability to improvise and the gumption to not quit, something that we tend to place a very high value on.

It is not easy, of course - nothing good ever is - but thus the instructions from Musashi that "You must train diligently morning and evening".  Forms are good, but only meant as a starting place.  The true master pushes through.

One and One and Done

As part of longer term plans (and to give myself some forward progress), I have started to do One and One each day.  What is it?  Find one item I no longer need and either throw it away as useless or place it in the donate pile and fine one thing that I can do to become better prepared.

To be clear, these are not necessarily big items.  Yesterday consisted of recycling two flower pots that were crushed beyond use and reassembling the Bug Out Bag.  Today was recycling a woodworking catalog I have not looked at since I got it and oiling one of my sgian dubhs.

What is the point? Moving out and moving on will ultimately require a great number of large changes - but large changes are the sorts of things that take time and effort and money to do.  And if you running a full life, it is hard to do such grand plans on a daily basis.  But a pair of small things - these I can do, and every day I point to forward progress towards the larger goal.

I have no illusions, of course. Ultimately these activities may clean my shelves and garage and perhaps make me a little better in the readiness department, but they are not substitutes for longer range, more developed plans.  What it will do is keep reminding me that there is something that is coming - and prove to myself that I am continually taking action.

Hyperpolitical

Of all the alarming and saddening outcomes of the shooting on Sunday night in Las Vegas, the most deeply alarming and saddening of all has only begun to occur:  all things have become hyperpolitical.

We have been subjected to this development over the last year, where every event and comment is viewed only through the lens of what it does to advance one's political position.  Everything becomes measured by the advances that can be made for the cause, not responded to as the tragedy or evil act that it may have actually been.

We have now reached the point in our political debate that an executive of a major news network (CBS) can comment that she has no sympathy for the dead because they are not of her political affiliation and may voted against her candidate (she was also fired today) or someone posting on their feed they hope only one side dies (since taken down but, thanks to the Interweb, living on forever).  I will take these people at their word that they truly believe this and would somehow hope that their "opposition" dies.

Secretly, of course, both sides are holding their breath for more details.  They always do, now, hoping the perpetrator (or perpetrators) fit their stereotype of the opposition so they can count coup.  "Thank God"  they cry, "the shooter/bomber/driver/cheese slicer was a (fill in the blank with race and gender and personal creed).  This surely proves that the other side is (fill in the blank with the favorite word for evil) and we should (fill in the blank with the political or social agenda of choice)."  A sort of Mad Lib for politics.

We have (rapidly, apparently) reached the point where the opposition has become faceless and nameless, a series of ideas we need to punish and swat down rather than people (in some cases, theoretically fellow citizens) that share a country and a civilization us.  Everything - every nuance, every breath, every character - is now a weapon in an undeclared war.

This is hyper-politicization (not sure if it was a word, but it is one now), where everything becomes extremely political - in fact, nothing is not a political statement.  The failure to agree with certain things or be against certain things, the failure to virtue signal when appropriate, even the failure to say anything at all - all of these become small items stored away on somebody' score card, proof (or lack thereof) that one is is for The Cause or Against it.  Everything that occurs is only a step to make progress in one's own cause.

I sound bitter - and a little sad - because the historian in me can point to numerous times in history - The Roman Republic, The Crusader States, The Heian monarchy before the Gempei War, the Russian Monarchy, the Weimar Republic, the Republic of China - where hyper-politicization occurred.  It occurred right up to the moment that everything fell apart.  A third party - often from the inside - steps in by playing one side off against the other until at the end all power has come into his hands and the people, exhausted by the years of endless strife and sick to death of the political nature of everything, would happily take a dictatorship so long as it promised peace and food.

"The fruit of too much liberty is slavery" said Marcus Tullius Cicero, himself ultimately the victim of a hyperpolitical atmosphere.  It occurs to me that the tree boughs are full and almost breaking with the weight of the harvest.

Deciding It Is Okay To Move

So in what may be a first, both The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself are both talking - openly - about where to move.

I do not know that a time line has been settled upon, tacitly or actively.  And some cases at this point we have an early out in 1.5 years or a later out after 5.5 years (the time it takes Nighean Dhonn to graduate).  But the consensus is in:  we are not staying here for the long haul. Urban living offers little enough to those who no longer have interest in the amusements and lures of the young.

A longer time frame would not necessarily be all bad, of course.  We have some things to take care of to prepare ourselves for that step - including deciding where (humidity and extreme cold are out of the question, which limits the field a bit) and what the next step would look like career-wise (barring an unseen windfall from my employment due to something going very right, we will need a job at the next place we go).

And it does not clearly state what the next step will be, either.  There is an argument to be made for smaller (and by my mind, less people around) but I do not know that either of those have been agreed upon.  Or what such a change would look like in our actually daily lives (in reality, we are talking mid-50's - hopefully still a long time left).

But we have passed a decision marker of sorts, the kind that tells you that the way forward has narrowed somewhat. It is moderately exciting - and gives a little bit of flavor to an seemingly bland rut of the daily grind in that there may be an end, after all.