Midlife Crisis

So after some thought coming home this evening, I've decided I think I'm going to have a midlife crisis.

"Midlife Crisis: a period of emotional turmoil in middle age characterized especially by a strong desire for change. (Noun, 1965)" - www.merriam-webster.com

I don't think this is typically something people think their way into - more like something that happens to them and suddenly they realize "Hey, I'm having a midlife crisis!"

Why? I am finding within myself a deepening divide between what I wish to be and how I wish to live and the reality of my life - and the divide feels like it is deepening all the time.

When was the last time I truly enjoyed myself? When was the last time I acted or was perceived the way I would like to be perceived? Was my dream in life at 18 to drive a 1991 Ford Escort and be middle management?

When was the last time I just did something random and fun without the first thought in my head being "How are we going to pay for it?" or "What are the ramifications of this for my life?"

Why does it feel like every day, a little more, my dreams are falling away and all I have left is the color grey?

Isn't that what midlife crisis is - a sudden realization that the reality of your life does not fit what you want it to be or what you dreamed it to be?

Vacation

Back from vacation - which, although we didn't go far, seemed to consume as much time and energy as a traveling one.

During our week, we went shopping at the outlets, attended a minor league baseball game, went to the Grass Valley Fair, to Coloma (discovery site of gold in California), and to Discovery Kingdom. Syrah escaped two days out of three from her kennel (apparently Labradors, once they set their minds to something, do it) - but she stayed around the house.

As usual, I overestimated my ability to get things read, or plan, or write, or catch up on other important matters- not that it's bad, it's just frustrating and something I need to get over. Vacations are for vacating, working visits are for working.

I also got confirmation of my new job and accepted it, looked for my queen bee three times - and couldn't find her, and rededicated myself through writing out a new series of goals and objectives.

Now, I just need a vacation from my vacation...

The Milky Way

Rising in the Dark,
The bright band of stars sparkles
in my daughter's eyes.

Evening at the Ranch

We went for a walk this evening -Syrah, Bandit, and myself. The sun had gone, and the waxing crescent moon was above the horizon as we set out.

The grass by now is the faded straw yellow of summer, the way all grass eventually goes here. But even in the fields of the dessicated, there are still signs of life: wildflowers with names I don't know lifting their pencil lead thin stalks to the sky, and weeds close to the ground.

We took the long walk around the upper meadow. The horse thundered up halfway to meet us, perhaps not enthused about the company of dogs, but it beat being alone. As the dogs pounded ahead of me, they raised small clouds of dust, their paw prints melding in with the turkey, horseshoes, tennis shoe, and bear tracks already there.

As we reached the upper side, we came across nature in action: parts of a deer vertebrae scattered about and nearby, a jawbone. It looked to be a young deer by the wear on the teeth. I picked the jaw up to take back to the house.

There was a moment, when the dogs were ahead of me, that everything was perfectly still. Everything. No wind in the trees, no sounds of cars or dogs nearby, no crickets or frogs, nothing. Just the silent sound of crescent moon beams falling on the meadow.

I love this place. Here, like no other, I can hear God.

Metal Vivaldi

This is just cool. I don't care if you're neither a fan of metal rock or Vivaldi.


http://theanchoressonline.com/2008/07/23/two-guitars-just-two/




(Sorry - if I were smarter, I could just put it in here...)



HT: The Anchoress

Changing jobs is like dying

How's that for an opener?

It hit my last night as I collapsed in a heap, exhausted from an afternoon of essentially being used as a tool to meet the timeline of people who are not necessarily very kind. I know I have an offer in the works. I can grasp that very soon, none of the problems I am currently dealing with will matter - and after the day of the official announcement, they all go away (if you've ever dealt with someone who is leaving a company, especially a bad situation, it's odd how they get that smile on their face...). Yet, I still continue to get worked up about them.

But isn't this the Christian life in a microcosm? In point of fact, this whole life is going away soon (sooner than we think!). As Christians, we know we have an ultimate destination which is far different - and far better - than what we are currently facing. And yet, we continue to get possessed and bothered by the things of this life that we know are passing away.

When we were saved, we essentially announced we have made our arrangements to change our ultimate location. Why aren't we smiling more?

Embracing responsibilities

Today our admin, An Pholainneach, took me out to lunch. We went to the Chinese place across the street - which always makes me happy. Mongolian beef makes me even happier.

As we were talking, we were reflecting on the fact that within our department, there are individuals who seek out and embrace new responsibilities (or rather, embrace those which are thrust upon them!) and those who simply refuse to take them up, even when they are put in the position to take them on - repeatedly. It makes harder for the department, of course, as the pool of the willing always seems to shrink, but it would also seem to make it harder for the individual, as they become less able to grow with the company.

It strikes me as odd - after all, if one doesn't do more, one is always doing both loosing out on the present opportunities as well as the future ones. But then again, how many times has God offered me the opportunity to do more or learn more, and I turn it aside? How can I embrace my career and not God?

Monday

Lord,
Today was another one of those days
where I wonder
"Are you there?"

I didn't get but two hours of sleep
to face a Monday.
My Inbox was overloaded
and my commute buddy napped.
All morning I looked at documents
that won't matter in five years,
let alone in eternity;
and dealt with people's little issues,
knowing there would only be more
tomorrow.

I left feeling worn, defeated,
only to sit in two hours of traffic -
On a Monday.
And then, I can't log in
to finish my presentation for tomorrow.
Finally, the time I have left for home and family,
I feel nothing but tired and cranky.

I know you say to rejoice in all things,
and obey in all matters, not as eyepleasers
but with sincerity of heart,
But today just feels grey and mushy,
with no hope of tomorrow being better than today.

Wheat and Chaff

Today I finished the threshing of my wheat. I keep trying to find ways to help along an essentially manual process (I'm far too small for any kind of machinery, and you would think they would make some kind of hand combine for small batches - in that case, you'd be wrong). This time, I took the remainder, threshed it all, then hand dropped it into the bucket to get rid of the worst of the chaff, followed rinsing it. It is now drying in the hot summer sun.

In doing the wheat, as with every year, I am again struck by the image of wheat as used by Christ. Most people, I think, don't really understand what chaff is as it relates to our spiritual lives. We have the idea that it a weighty thing, something that will have some kind of significance in eternity, that will carry some kind of merit. The fact is, chaff is light and blows away easily. Those who process the grain purposely seek to get rid of the stuff. It is only the weighty grain, which falls back into the bucket or on the ground, that has any value to the farmer.

In Psalm 1:4, God compares the way of the wicked to "Chaff which blows away" - which is a good remainder to all of us what our lives are in comparison to God without Christ - little bits of dead plant matter which will whirl away in the first zephyr breeze of the Last Trumpet.

Onions Anyone?

So As I working in the garden this morning, it suddenly struck me that I have never really shown this place that give me so much joy. So welcome!

Here's looking one way..

And here's the other


Squash and potatoes...

Buried in this is are soybeans, jalapenos, sweet banana peppers, green bell peppers, cucumbers, cantaloupe, soybeans, tomatoes - and a pumpkin that's gone nuts!

A sunflower overhanging my compost pile...

Hides surprises!

Zucchini, Onions, and Garlic

A bucket of spuds and an onlooker:

Thanks for stopping by!

Lab on the Run

Yesterday Syrah got out again.

She has done this three times since she came to live with us. Out the front door, or out the garage, and she's gone like a shot. She thinks it's a big game: running down, running back, stopping to look at you, then tearing away again, as you follow her farther and farther down the street. Each time, it's been a fifteen minute saga of me hollering, her looking at me in that goofy dog way, and then effectively saying "Play with me some more!"

Finally, myself or a very helpful neighbor corrals her, I put on her collar, and then we walk home, grumbling all the away about the dog and why did I ever think of getting one and this will be the last time this happens...

Which is all very fascinating, of course - until I point the finger at myself.

How many times has God given me something, whether a gift, or answer to prayer, or a freedom - and rather than be respectful or grateful or self controlled, I go tearing off with it down the road, looking back, shouting "Thank you! - It's mine!" as I continue to run -right into a building, or a hole, or a sin, or something else bad.

And then God comes, looks at me, picks me up, and puts me back in the fence, to try another day.

The dog simply has no training. What's my excuse?

What matters

Based on the service on Thursday (see below), I spoke with Bogha Frois on Friday. My thought, as I relayed it to her, was that death (as it always does) tends to focus one's mind wonderfully - especially in this case, where in so many ways, the impact of what is left behind seems small.

Her thought in the matter was that she had been confronting this very issue. She finds herself bogged down in the politics of work, and wishes that she could spend more time with her boys and her husband - to stay home, do something from home, and be there for them.

My thought, in thinking about this, was "Why not?" Life is short, and the one guaranteed job that no-one can do better than you is be a parent to your child. It is the single biggest thing you can do to impact the future.

So often I get caught up in what my impact is, what I am doing, how I can change things - and fail to remember that, like a bowman, I am aiming my children (consciously or unconsciously) towards a horizon that I will never reach (and that horizon keeps creeping closer every day!) so that I can release them. Caught in the present, my present, I shoot towards the future.

Does that mean it's easy? No - it entails sacrifices of various kinds, which anyone who has done it can relate to you - even perhaps the sacrifice of a short term feeling of significance. But the rich rewards of what it can yield may be felt not only here, but in eternity.

Besides - entire sub-industries are dedicated to individuals starting their own businesses. Why not the same sort of enthusiasm and industry to those who are making decisions to actively raise and be there for their children?

Traveling to Eternity

We went to my nephew's father's funeral this last Thursday. It was a very sobering experience.

This makes the second time this year I have attended a funeral of a presumed non-believer. The focus is very different than the ones I am typically used to. In the funeral of a Christian, although there is often sadness, there is always the hope of the resurrection. The service always intertwines both Christ and the memory of the individual, and how that individual showed Christ in their life to the world.

In the funeral on Thursday, his brothers and two friends spoke. It was somber and sad, befitting both the situation as well as individuals which ( I would guess) do not think about eternity frequently dealing with loss.

All concurred that he had a sense of humor and was always able to make others laugh, that he was someone that you could always depend on, and that lots of beer was consumed. The filler between these points were stories by the different individuals, demonstrating these points.

His younger brother hit the point which was closest to dealing with reality, that his brother served as an example - of things not to do, of mistakes to be learned from.

The service was remarkably well attended - standing room only - and bore signs of something which I have noted before to my fellow Christians: there is a sense of taking care of one another, of being there for one another, that often seems absent to me in the same sort of Christian group.

He was fun, he was there for you, and he drank beer. What would this be to present before the throne?

I was speaking with Nighean gheal afterwards, and she asked me about him. My response - the one I first heard from my pastor and I believe - is that there is always hope. He knew the truth, and had been introduced to it from more than one source. We never know, at least on this side, what happens right at death.

Still, it reminded me that it is an important goal - nay, the goal of ever Christian - to ensure that others have more than a faint hope of the resurrection.

Decisions

I have wondered (in my off hours) what the intent of God is in my life by the circumstances that He places me in. I sometimes wonder if He doesn't shake His head and wonder "Why did he do that?"

Somewhere I read (long ago) that our lives our similar to a football game: once the play is made, you have to move the ball from where you are. Sometimes opportunities and tasks which were choices once are no more, due to our own choices or our own sin.

I counsel my children constantly to make the best choice that they can. Certainly in my own life, I've come to realize the importance of considering decisions in their fullness - not 1 year from now, but 10 or 20 years or even beyond my lifetime.

But doesn't this impact how I make decisions? Yes, unfortunately not always for the better. If you lack the confidence that you can make a good decision, you will tend towards not making any decision at all, lest you make a bad one - which, of course, means that by not making a decision you have made one.

How does one become more confident that the decisions one makes are good ones?

Onions

So I knocked over some of my onions tonight. It's the first time I've tried it this way - and I'm a little concerned.

Which represents a not uncommon theme in my life, which is that I get stuff to grow or tasks accomplished - and then have no idea what to do.

One of my strengths, I would argue, is that I am willing to try anything - my theory being "If I can read it, then I can do it." I've tried all kinds of things in my gardens - some successfully, some less so. But then, when I am successful, I have no idea what the next step is.

Which probably represents a lack of planning.

Still, to be safe, I grew more onions. You can never be too sure....

Smarter than this

I find myself feeling discontented and trapped tonight - trapped in my life.

Ye saints and martyrs, I'm smarter than this. I feel trapped by work, trapped by finances, trapped by what I'm doing. This vague sense of "This is not really working - but I've no idea how to change it."

I am growing tired of living in this ever present miasma of fear about the economy and the future. I am not at all happy about the economy, do not misinterpret, nor do I think that my job is immune from it. At the same time, fear is doing nothing. Why am I not smarter about doing something, anything to get out of this rut?

Perhaps the one thing that needs to happen is I (again) need to find a locus, that one thing where I can start making sense of it all. What is the one place I can start at?

I need to something to catapult me out of this bog. Slogging through in ordinary ways is, I think, not going to be effective.

I am smarter than this.

Absconded Bees

So I talked to my father tonight. The second hive of the bees we purchased this year absconded.

(For those of you not in the know, swarming is when a colony splits, absconding is when the whole colony moves out).

I am quite depressed about the whole thing - two weeks ago, when I looked, the colony seemed fine. It's as if nature itself is fighting against me. What don't I know? What I've read suggests it is due to major stress such as bears, starvation, weather changed, etc.

Not sure - but it sure is disappointing.

Odd Mood

In an odd mood today. The audit with the regulatory agency, and Syrah, have reset my schedule and my life. I feel out of it, fallen out of a schedule that I can't rightly get back into. Additionally, I took the day off today - it is the Ravishing Mrs. TB's birthday - and due to a confluence of events, I find I am home alone this morning, to think.

Part of my odd mood is the feeling that I am in control of so little of my life. I don't really feel like I have control of very much at all. Events are swirling around me which I cannot influence or control.

And in my own personal life, those things I do for interest or enjoyment are also in flux. I've always had a problem with self discipline and continuing on - but if I continually put off some things, does that mean that I really want to do them?

How do I refocus to go forward?

Life takes a Holiday

An odd weekend. Coming home Friday night, I was in a better, but none the less somewhat unhappy mood, feeling late, badgered, and ready to just be home. Then I got home to the Ravishing Mrs. TB out on the front porch, waving me in.

Her mother was on the phone. The father of my younger nephew, Gille Beag Dorcha, had shot himself in the head that morning.

He had had a troubled life of late. My sister in law had asked him to move out some 8 months or so ago, as his lifestyle and lack of job had pushed her to the limit. He had moved back in with his mother, and was staying there. He had difficulties with alcohol, difficulties with keeping a job (and supporting his son), and difficulties with the law. And he was also a victim - a victim of a bad divorce, one that punitively punished him and separated him from his daughter. And so, Friday morning while his mother was watching TV, he took his life.

It certainly changes your perspective on life.

Was he saved? Both my daughters asked me, and I don't have the full answer. I know he knew - probably three times over, as it occurred: we had discussed it once that I recall, I know my sister in law discussed it, and we also found out that it appears he attended Catholic church for some portion of his life with his grandfather. He knew the truth, and this side of death, we'll never know for sure. But the hope, I think, is slim.

The time we discussed it, he told me flat up that he did not believe in God. As I look back now, I wonder what his objection was based on. So often, I think, objections are based on what anyone feels, rather than on any sort of serious investigation of the matter.

How does it change your perspective? On one had, it certainly makes the importance of family that much more important. Every memory is important - because you never know when you will stop making them.

A second part is the criticality of the Gospel. Eternity is real. Every day, men and women are plunging into Hell -certainly from their own volitional will, but perhaps as well because someone, maybe me, failed to raise the issue for reasons that in the light of eternity, will seem silly indeed.

The third part is the nature of the important and the urgent. Life and death, eternal life and death, are important. The souls of men and women are important.

The other stuff will burn with fire as chaff.

Oddly enough, the thing that sticks with me the most is that yesterday, his brothers had to come to his mother's house to clean the room. What a metaphor for our sin - in the end, others end up cleaning up the mess, perhaps even the blood, that we leave behind, splattered all over.

Dream

I had another one of those dreams last night - the kind where you truly think that your mind is trying to talk to you.

It came on the heels of a week and a half of audits. The change in my physical pattern is amazing. Up to last night, due to the start time of the audit and the driving distance, I was waking up later - and going to bed later as a result. My sleep pattern was the best it has been in at least 2 years - either didn't wake up at all, or woke up once, in both cases feeling rested. Last night that changed, as I was going back to the Home Office. I woke up three times at least and now type with a headache floating at the forefront of my brain.

In the dream, I was back at a company - A- that I had worked at in the past. I was there, apparently, to interview for a job. as A had been bought out but was hiring. I went through the manufacturing area, speaking with the interviewer about various pieces of equipment and processes I knew ("The waste tank system - did they ever fix that?"), management, and individuals. The location was not truly A, but a mixture of equipment, facilities, and architecture styles from lots of places that I have worked over the years.

The people I interviewed with were as well: of the 5 I remember interviewing with, I think only one or two actually worked at A. The others included someone I've never met, someone from my current job (in a position they do not work in), and an old manager, whom I was not really sure what their role was.

The most interesting feedback I had was from 1) The person who currently works at my company; and 2) someone that I think used to work at A. The person that used to work at my company - we'll call him D - brought to his office, which was apparently much larger inside that out, sat me down, and then started through baseballs against one of those nets that bounces them back. "Why are you looking to come back?" he asked. I responded with the typical answer you give if you've ever re interviewed at a place: Know the system, good opportunity, etc. His comment, as near as I can recall, as he was throwing balls against net, was "Sometimes we just settle for lack of challenge because it's comfortable."

The other individual - call him E - was one that I associate with Company A, though I can't tell you why. His commentary, without even an initial greeting, was a story about a colleague of his from Mexico who, when she heard he was going to Mexico, asked him why he would do something like that. His response at the time was because it was a learning experience.

Finally, at the last step of the interview, I saw my old boss MB. I have not seen or heard from him for almost three years, as it seems he has dropped off the earth. I was really excited to see him - but his response, as he rushed passed to the bathroom, was a sort of rushed cool "Good to see you."

And then I woke up, saw that it was 0400, and realized I should probably get up because my alarm was going off in 30 minutes.

Work

Work has been very different these last two weeks. We have had a regulatory agency audit from the agency which regulates our industry (okay, fine, it's the FDA). Due to my boss being out on vacation, I was the one called upon to lead the audit - something which I have never done before.

In my industry, leading an FDA audit is a bit of a big deal. It has ramifications, as any observations or violations of law can carry legal penalties. On a bright note, the regulatory auditors I have dealt with (and it has been nine or ten in the last three years) have without exception been individuals who were tough but fair, and to a person, friendly. They're there to do a job, you're there to do a job. As long as everyone follows the ground rules, and a tense situation is not created by treating as an "Us-Them" relationship, things go along pretty well.

The different thing has been in my schedule and my life. As a result of the audit, I have sleeping 7+ hours a night, getting up with about 1.5 to 2 hours in the morning before I leave and seeing my family in the morning. I've gotten home a little later (that has been the major change there, although that has been due to holiday traffic as much as anything).

Certainly from a stress point of view, it's been much less: working on the audit, you tend to focus on the audit. The real change in this has been being removed from the day to day chaos back at the home office. I monitor it via e-mail and phone, but it is different than someone plopping in your office with "I have a problem you need to solve right now!".

The audit has also made me more intransigent concerning the work I do and what I am associated with. As I have often pointed out to others, it's not what you think, it's what the law means, and how it is applied - so why not do it right the first time. And in terms of association, frankly there's no excuse for sloppy or less than excellent work - we spend so much time correcting problems that could be fixed easily by doing it right the first time, why not just do it right?

It should be interesting when I get back...

New Blog

Otis's wife has started a blog at vintagechicthoughts.blogspot.com. I've also linked to it on the side. You should go read it. She speaks as well as she writes.

Proving, once again, that Otis married up...

Welcome to Syrah!

A big greetings to the latest addition to An Clann Toirdhealbheach Beucail, Syrah.

Syrah is a purebred American Field Trials black Labrador retriever, 18 months old, weighing 68 pounds (we know, she went to the vets yesterday). We found her through the Golden Gate Labrador Rescue Group, who does good work finding homes for Labrador's that need rescue. We had to drive to Reno on Saturday to get her - a bit more of a trip than we were anticipating - but she has been a fabulous dog. We have heard her bark precisely twice. She likes to play, and is very kind and loving with all the girls. She has interacted well over the weekend with my sister's dog, and has not chased our cats - although the cats are still trying to process it. She did well getting her first bath on Sunday (although I had to lift her into the tub, she stayed there once she was in). Walking her is not too terrible - she's awfully strong, but she will stop pulling if you stop. She didn't eat a great deal the first two days, but her appetite seems to have picked up yesterday.

We are very glad that she has joined our family!

Life's Little Pleasures

Tonight I had five minutes of life's little pleasures. Pouring grass clippings from my lawn around my potatoes, hoeing out weeds behind my tomatoes, I drank beer I made last month.

There is something just viscerally satisfying about eating, drinking, or using the output of one's own efforts. I can't really explain why - I'm sure my beer would be considered undrinkable compared to most things I can purchase at Safeway, my sourballs never seem to hold together when I pull them out of the pan (more sour crumbles), and I bet I end up losing money on my garden - but none the less, there is something inside that seems to make me feel like I have actually done something of value.

It's interesting, because it is a feeling which I have scarcely felt in most of the "jobs" that I've ever had.

Interesting.

Giving God My Best

Currently for our faith group, we are studying the Book of Malachi. Tonight we did Chapter 1:6-14.

Talk about being smacked upside the head.

The point of these verses is the complaint God has about the Jewish Priests during the time when Malachi is writing (circa 432-424 BC). God's complaint is that the priests dishonor Him. How, God rhetorically asks on behalf of the priests. By their dishonoring of His Altar.

How do they dishonor it, they ask? God answers by pointing out to them that they have ignored the commands of the Pentateuch in that all offerings were to be pure, unblemished, males a year of age. Instead, they were accepting animals that were blind, lame, and unfit for sacrifice. God then challenges them: offer them to the Persian governor - would he accept them? Of course not. How much less, then, would the Creator of the Universe.

God challenges them again: If you continue to do wrong, will He accept an offering from their hands - pure or impure? Will He accept them favorably?

He then finishes in verses 12-14, again pointing out that the priests disdain serving the Lord, sniffing or sneering at it and calling it "a weariness". And then He curses those who have that which should be offered to Him -the best - and instead offer something which is less than the best, because (it is implied) they want to keep it for themselves.

Fine and good, I say to myself. Yay Old Testament! Yay Grace instead of Law!

But the question remains: am I giving God my best?

And what is my best? Oh, it includes tithes and offerings (as in the Old Testament), but it includes much more. Do I give my time and talents to serving God - the best, not the leftovers? If I claim to truly love and serve Christ, do I seek to do His will - the low hanging fruit, the things that say "This is the will of God:.....", let alone the stuff that takes more discernment?

More often than not, I fear, I give God the seconds, thirds, or fourths: my energy, plans and life are too often spent on myself, my job, my plans, my family, and then God - maybe, if something else doesn't get in the way first.

An easy place to start is my schedule and my energy (read sleep pattern). I honestly should go to bed an hour to an hour and a half earlier than I typically do. I know I have to get early, and I know that a lack of sleep affects but. But I don't. Why? Because I want to do "my things", and doing them is more "important" than being well rested.

Does it impact me? Of course it does - all day, I'm run down. By the time I get home, my mood is only a little less than sour - and this the typical time I have to spend with my family. Are they seeing God through me there? I doubt it.

This then are two the challenges that God has given me through this study:
1) Am I giving God my best? How often? How much?
2) To do this, I have to come to understand His will more - and seek to do those things, rather than the things that I wish to do without consulting Him.

Follow up

I am coming to see that we stay where we are until we learn the lesson we are to learn. Which would mean, of course, that if we stay in our problems, it is become in some form or fashion we are choosing to blatantly ignore the thing we are to learn.

Does this mean that those who suffer bad things that are not their fault are choosing them? No, and don't say that I said that (Yes, you there behind the computer screen). There is sin, and Satan actively makes war both against those who follow Christ as well as those who might think about it but can be turned by circumstances.

What I am speaking of is the less than life threatening situations: the annoying, the depressing, the enervating, where we hold our hands up to God and say "Why can't you fix this?" Perhaps God says back "Why won't you learn what you need to learn?"

A simple proof of my theory is in my own life is my current employment situation. Over the course of a year, I have had 5-6 telephone interviews and 2 face to face interviews. In the case of the face to face interviews, both of the seemed to go exceedingly well. And yet in both cases, nothing.

What is the lesson I think I am supposed to learn from my current job? Follow up, I think.

I am terrible at follow up. I put things in motion, then don't keep them going. I make commitments, then don't fulfill them. Why? Because it's hard, because it's boring, because it's grunt work and seems to go unnoticed.

But what I am noticing in myself is that if I am not careful, I will train my children this way as well. Nighean gheal is evincing interests in various activities, and if I keep saying "Yes, I'll look into it" and never do, she will learn the same thing as I.

The advantage to follow up? Speaking from a purely material point of view, it gets you to accomplish tasks, which will move you forward in whatever it is you are doing.

From a spiritual point of view, it teaches patience, commitment, and a hope for the thing which we cannot see now. Which is the nature of faith in God.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1 (NKJV)

Thought for the Day

"If I cannot change myself, I cannot change the world."
- T. Wren

Forest Fire

As if reflecting
the hungry fire below,
sunrise burns orange.

Flensing for Me

Flensing, as you'll recall from your late middle school educational period, is the activity of removing the layer of blubber from whales, walruses, or other arctic mammals both to set it aside for use and to get at the meat. Using a "flensing tool", whalers would work the whales over and pull the blubber off in strips for use later.

Why flensing? It occurs to me that this is part of what I am continuing to seek to do, both through this blog, my other writing, and my thoughts: I'm trying to cut away at the interfering layers (as Benjamin Franklin said, "What you seem to be, be really") to get down at the core of who I am and what I want. Time is limited, and I can't really afford the luxury of messing around, continuing to work at the blubber level, thinking that "someday" I'll have the luxury of doing the things that are truly important - the fact is, I really don't have anything beyond the now.

I have a sign in my office that I read somewhere that I try to look at once a day: "Why are you doing this? What is the expected outcome?"

If anything, I should be asking that question more, not less.

Smoky

Dwelling where I do in Northern California, I am a beneficiary of the 1000+ fires that are going on in this region - not directly, through evacuations or actual burnings, but through smoke. Since Sunday, there has been a smoky haze around my home and all the way on my commute to my job. It's an experience I've not had before.

The only comparison I have to it is fog. The two are quite different - not just in appearance, fog being a sort of dampish grey and the smoke a sort of yellowish brown - but in the appearance the give to the landscape around them. The fog tends to conceal and then reveal, while the smoke just tends to make things disappear. Typically we can clear see 6-8 miles to the next city - now, it's difficult to clearly see a couple of miles up the road.

The other interesting thing to me is that the smoke hasn't cleared. Once it was here on Sunday, I expected it to move out by Monday. Here we are at Tuesday and, if anything, it seems to have gotten worse.

On the bright side, it makes for great sunrises and sunsets...

I Will Go Sailing No More

Out among the stars I sail
Way beyond the moon
In my silver ship
I sail
A dream that ended too soon
Now I know exactly who I am
And what I'm here for
And I will go sailing no more

All the things I thought I'd be
All the brave things I'd done
Vanished like a snowflake
With the rising of the sun
Never more to sail my ship
Where no man has gone before
And I will go sailing no more

No it can't be true
I could fly if I wanted to
Like a bird in the sky
I believe I can fly
Why I'd fly

Clearly I will go sailing, no more

Randy Newman, Toy Story

What's bothering you?

Another one of the those questioning things brought on by Bogha Frois - when confronted with a down mood, she asks "What's bother you?" and then she asks "Why is that bothering you?" and then, "So what's really bothering you?". And on and on it goes.

Friends - they serve the useful purpose of pushing us and punishing us in ways that we would never do to ourselves.

And what has come out of this little exercise? Not the bottom of the hole, I'm sure, but I dredged something out.

I feel alone.

Alone, yet surrounded by people. It's an odd problem, yet one many writers far better than myself have plumbed: the idea that in modern society, we are more than ever surrounded by people, yet we are more than ever isolated.

What do I feel alone from? Those deep relationships that we all hope and hunger for, at some level.

Why? I realized that I am living a separate life. I am essentially living a form of opposite life from my family: I get up early, drive either alone or alone in essence, work all day surrounded coworkers, some of whom are good friends, but many of who are those whom we know because of convenience, rather than desire. At home, a brief time with the family as well as trying to accomplish those things that I want to do, and then bed - in theory by 9:30, although it probably should be earlier.

The other thing - and this is where my imagining comes in - is that I deeply desire the approval of others, especially others whom I think of as desirable or important. That, I realized, is what has driven my (at times) intense desire to be noticed by people whom I would otherwise not worry about: I perceive them as important or valuable or lovely or desirable, and so want them to like me. And when they don't (because, I think like me, they are often thrown together into situations of necessity or convenience rather than choice), I become disappointed or morose about the whole thing.

Is it the bottom? I don't think so, but we're digging down.

The Lake Isle of Inisfree

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:
Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee;
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart's core.

- W.B. Yeats

Taking Care of Old Business

Today I filled out the submission for my manuscript for the Writer's Edge. They will do a brief editorial check and, if acceptable, it will get sent out to a list of 75 publishers for their consideration.

While obviously I'd like some to happen, I'm just happy that I am finally doing it. This is something that I have worked on for 6 years - and I'm coming to believe that you can't move on until you finish up the business that you have already undertaken.

What happens if nothing happens? I have The Christian Writer's Guide, so I suppose that I can start submitting to publishers that didn't get the listing. Or look at publishing myself. Or, I suppose, even publish on the site.

The important thing is that this is a goal accomplished. On to the next work!

Sleep and Aloneness

I made a couple of interesting discoveries today concerning fighting with depression and tiredness:

1) Not surprisingly, the importance of sleep. I have been not sleeping well for over a month. I took a bit of a nap this afternoon, and was sufficiently energized enough to complete the day.

2) Aloneness: The Ravishing Mrs. TB granted me a lack of children this evening, as I was not hungry for dinner. I did pretty mundane things: washed cars, mowed, started cutting out old lavender blooms. The interesting thing was that the longer I did them, the better I felt, more ready to come in to reface my life.

I don't think I have been made so conscious about the value of aloneness in my life (similar, I might add, to the value of just thinking in my life). In reconsidering, I have never been more surrounded by people via work, commuting, and home than in most times in my life, yet never more denied time apart from them. I've always believed I enjoyed periods of solitude; I just did not realize how much I need them.

On Beans

Last night we planted soybeans and garbanzo beans. They're some of the easiest for An Clann to plant, because it's just a matter of how, rake, and then poke holes with the hoe handle for them to drop them into.

I always worry that I bury my seeds to deeply. The instructions say an inch, and I think I get an inch, but sometimes it seems a bit deeper. If they are too deep, they will exhaust their little selves trying to poke up through the dirt.

But is not that true of life and dreams as well - that we secrete them in ourselves so deeply, either hiding them from others, hiding them from ourselves, or "protecting" them from the harsh realities of life that they never make it through the soil into the sunlight?

For the beans, we'll know within a week. For myself, I think I have some hoeing and raking to do first.

Seeking God.

As part of today's reading from My Utmost for His Highest:

"Seek if you have not found. 'You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss...' (James 4:3). If you ask for things from life instead of from God, 'you ask amiss'; that is, you ask out of your desire for self-fulfillment. The more you fulfill yourself, the less you will seek God. '...seek, and you will find...' Get to work - narrow your focus and interests to this one thing. Have you ever sought God with your whole heart, or have you simply given Him a feeble cry after some emotionally painful experience? ..seek, [focus], and you will find...'"

This is interesting to me, as this is in some ways a complete reversal of both the general move of the self-help/me movement as well as some of the items that I heard this last weekend. "The more you fulfill yourself, the less you will seek God."

The line that caught my attention this morning as I read it was "If you ask for things from life instead of from God, 'you ask amiss'; that is, you ask out of your desire for self-fulfillment." This is at the heart of what I heard this weekend, let alone many of the books I have read: that we need to move boldly in the direction of our dreams, and "life" will open up the possibilities.

Which gets back to an earlier thought I had concerning the nature of goals that glorify God: what determines what we will move boldly in the direction of? If self-fulfillment is not the goal, but seeking God is, how do I effectively seek God while having to make my way in life, perhaps even pursuing dreams and goals?

A Thought

A brief thought as we prepare to head back to Day Two of our getaway: If an individual or a small group of individuals with enthusiasm is far more able to accomplish anything (change the world), why do we spend so much time trying to influence the large institutions instead of encouraging and empowering individuals and linking up?

A second thought: Those with enthusiasm will, in the end, be more successful than those without it.

Up and Out

An early posting this morning - The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself are off to my birthday present, a weekend seminar from motivational speaker Marcia Wieder. The Ravishing Mrs. TB saw her speak at a conference in Las Vegas and very much enjoyed her. She got her book, which she passed on to me to read. I also enjoyed it - not that she said anything specifically different from others that I have read, but the she did have a couple of good practical ideas for moving forward on your dreams and goals.

Which is what I need. I'm getting hopelessly stuck in a rut - and part of my recent battle with my own flesh and imaginings is, I trow, simply the boredom that comes from not feeling like I'm making any progress in any other part of life.

If we work towards goals, we've far too little time to waste on sin.

P.S. Pray for Otis. He got dealt a left hook at work this week, and is fighting hard to get things back on track. Go Otis!

Garden Goings

The last of the wheat was pulled out last night. I was still having smaller heads coming up, but I've reached the point that I need the space for something else, so out it came. That only leaves a stand of rye, which seems to ripen even later than wheat - it will probably be the end of June before it is ready.

It's amazing how much cleaner and more organized the garden looks now that the grain is pulled out. The ground is turned over, ready to grow and empty - except for some surprise potatoes popping up from plantings I had done 1-2 years ago, which is a pleasant surprise. It's a form of tabula rasa - the empty slate, ready to be written on - or planted, as the case may be.

What's already planted? Onions (three kinds), garlic, lentils, the potatoes, two tomato plants, three pepper plants, okra, two brussel sprouts, Aztec Blue corn, and two kinds of meat beans: Hidatsa Shield and Anasazi Bush Beans.

Still to plant? More garlic (can't have enough garlic), more onions, soybeans, garbanzo beans, two different kinds of tomatoes, zucchini, radishes, maybe some carrots, maybe some more corn.

Question for the Day

How does one keep one's focus on one's goals when surrounded by the things that one must do?

Imagination

I sit here at night, eyes burning, nose running;
I should be in bed.
But even in my state, my mind runs away from me,
going back to the old watering holes,
to places it should not be going.

I sometimes ask my:
"Is this a test from God?"
If it is, I must be doing poorly, because I fail
again and again.

If only the fire of my love for God
could burn as hot as the fire of my lust,
or come so easily to mind.

Sin is in - again?

Last night, I found myself terrible convicted after our Faith group - which is a bit remarkable to me, since I'm the one that leads it. The problem is, I'm not sure what it is over.

I sat down and made a list of the "garden variety" sins that I can usually pick out pretty quickly, but nothing that jumped right out at me.

Maybe it was the book we are starting: Malachi. A fine book, which I think has plenty to say to the Western Christian church of today about outer obedience versus inner compliance, and ways that we dishonor and disrespect God. Man's sinful nature is, if nothing else, terribly predictable and unchanging.

One thing that came to my mind as I was scrambling through Scripture last night, looking for some answer, was the concept of seeking God. Do I seek God? How does one go about this? God has a great deal to say about seeking Him, both the good and the bad, the rewards and the punishments - but do I really do it, or do I just make half-hearted attempts to go through the motions based on my understanding of God's word rather than what the word really says?

Do I have only outer obedience to the form of religion, or do I have inner compliance in my heart to the commands of God?

McDonald's and Vienna

I've been a bit morose lately (and the chorus says, when is he ever really not morose) - the economy has been much on my mind lately. Fuel prices have been the highest thought - I happen to have gas receipts going back to February 2 of this year, when I paid $3.06 a gallon. I just saw tonight that the "cheap" gas in town is $4.16. This now means that my daily commute is running me $16.00 a day, or $80.00 a week, or $320.00 a month.

The bad part is, I've taken just enough economics to know that any economy is actually a fairly fragile thing, based on feeling as much as fact - and generally limited to the least input. Right now, that input is fuel. The global economy, in some form or fashion, is built on fuel - from "Just In Time" manufacturing to the fact that virtually every product I buy, whether food or oil or books, is shipped from somewhere else. Fuel prices will affect everything - including, eventually, employment.

So to assist The Ravishing Mrs. TB tonight (as she was having an in-home spa party), I took Na Clann out to dinner tonight - McDonald's, a treat. As we sat outside in the play area, the girls running around, I was overlooking one of the main roads into town watching the cars go east and west as I picked through the remains of dinner. It suddenly hit me, in the slowly setting sun, that given all factors being the same, this was a thing and vision that was doomed to perish - and the system which built it as well. And not in the time frame of my life, but much, much sooner. It reminded me of being in Vienna in July of 1914, just prior to the start of World War I, when the feeling was the 800 year old Hapsburg Empire would last forever - that the civilized and elegant life that Vienna represented at the time would go on forever, unassailed by the world outside.

The image haunts me ever now, as I sit down to write about it. What does one do at the end of the world - or at least the world you knew?

Good News/Bad News

A bad news and good news day.

The bad news? My father called - apparently one of the three colonies we bought this spring is failing. They had brood in when I checked them two weeks ago, but apparently the queen failed after that. We're going to try to transfer the remaining brood and frames to one of the stronger hives, in hopes that we can strengthen the one and save the current brood. We'll see how it goes.

The good news? I got to work with my garden tonight, working in steer manure for finishing planting of beans and corn. It makes me happy because I have really worked hard on this soil, enriching it, rotating it, taking care of it. It is dark brown, rich, crumbly - just the way a soil should be. It bothered me last year when we had the house up on the market that I might have to leave the soil, because it was so good. This year, I once again get the pleasure of working with it.

Fallen Again

The problem is me.

I was reminded of this this weekend, by once again managing to fall (rather handily) into another gray area. The nature of it is not important - because, as I discovered as I was feeling (rightly) condemned by my sin, it really doesn't matter what the temptation is, it is I that am the one that goes for it, time after time.

It brought to mind the fact that truly, I am never really free of my sin nature. Redeemed yes; freed from the bondage of sin indeed; but still the flesh is ever with me, ever ready to yield at the drop of a temptation.

The key - or at least the key for me - is found in 1 Thessalonians 5:21-22, which says "Hold fast what is good, abstain from every form of evil". It is the second verse that I need to listen to and practice more: to abstain from every form of evil. Not to dance around it, not to dip my toe in it, not to "Go only this far and no more". It is not to start in the beginning.

I have never regretted the drink I never had, the lust I never indulged, the money I never coveted, the food I never overate on. Not once.

Potpourri

A very confused - and random week, loaded with things of portent and activity:

- First of all, the Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself celebrated 15 years of marriage this Thursday. It truly doesn't seem like it has been that long. Certainly of itself, it is a matter of some reflection, if for no other reason it seems that sometimes it is the exception rather than the rule. We celebrated by having dinner by ourselves (no children) at a brew pub, eating like adults and not having to fight to get anyone to eat anything.

- I have had more discussions at work (about leaving work), as well as some guidance in the idea of leadership. Leaders have to lead actively, not passively. I don't think I got that before.

- Nighean bhan and I finished threshing out all of our barley and the bulk of our wheat this week. I have one more cutting to do, then we can begin the summer garden in earnest.

- We traveled to the Ranch today to visit parents - surprisingly, it was a cloudy and rainy day for Memorial Day weekend (.8" of rain when we left). I went to peek into the bees - sure enough, the overwintered hive is putting honey into the supers. Honey for sure this fall!

- Finally, I filled up my tank with under $4.00 gas, probably for the last time. This one is bothering me particularly, as a general indicator of the economy to come. It now costs me $16.00 a day to commute to work. Long term, this is not tenable.

- (Okay, I lied) I also started giving some thought to goals, short term and long term. The short term ones were easy - I finally made myself focus on 10 to accomplish this year (I just have to let the rest go until next year). The long term ones were much harder, as they were much more general. It's kind of a difficult thing: I need to create these goals, yet given the current state of the world, it is difficult to create goals which may have no basis in reality.

And that, as they say, was the week that was...

Check in and a Haiku

Sorry I haven't posted regularly - been a bit busy. I will post more this weekend, as it is the holiday.

As a partially downpayment, please accept this haiku:

Reflecting window,
A light next door is drowned out
By the full white moon.

Bee Update

Yesterday we went up to the Ranch - to visit the bees, among other things. At the least, I was hoping that I at least no colony had died.

I got that - and more.

Of the three colonies we put in new, they were all in a state of growth - not all the same, but in every one there was sealed brood, emerging brood, larvae and eggs. In one we saw the queen, in the other two not (which, as a subtext, means I'll have to try and mark queens next year just to pick them out. They're easy enough to see when they're in the cage, but harder when they're mixed in with 10,000 other bees.

The real surprise was the overwintered colony. When last I saw them (almost a month to the day), both the top and bottom deeps were about 30-40% occupied (3-4 frames out of 10). When I opened them up this time, every frame on the top was completed filled with honey and loaded with bees - in fact, I don't know if we could have gone much longer before we had a swarming issue (in point of fact, this means the hive is probably close to it's high point of 60,000 bees). They were relatively mild, only getting a little cranky when I had to lift the hives up to remove the entrance reducer. In confidence of a bumper crop (it is still green there, and wildflowers probably have another month to go), we put not one but two supers in place.

It looks honey for sure this year!

The Whole Seed

I was struck this week, as I started to thresh my barley, by the fact that each individual barley berry (seed) I was knocking out would provide a whole plant by itself, given water, sun, and soil. The second thing that struck me is that the barley has to be completely destroyed.

The only way for the barley to produce the next crop is for it to completely die, to be transformed from a seed into a plant which is both useful and reproduces, is for it itself to completely lose what it is - a seed - and metamorphose into something else that is different indeed.

Do I apply this to my own life? Do I seek to completely commit myself - to die to myself, my wants, my desires - so I can be something that gives life to others?

"I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." - John 12:24

Barley Harvest

Last night was the Barley harvest. I have always been concerned about when to start it - I want to get the maximum amount, and not cut it too soon - yet it holds up valuable gardening space (although I believe I've finally started to figure out seasonally what to put where). The nice thing about this barley is that it turns black when it is ready to be harvested. That makes it pretty easy - even for me.

The other interesting things is that some volunteer wheat had crept in. I'm not one for ever wasting where I do not have too, so I had to cut around and through the wheat as well.

There is something calming about harvesting any grain: cutting it off near the stalk, hearing and feeling the semi dry or dry stalks as they come off into your hand, anticipating the final grain in your hand after all is done. It is, of course, easier if there is nothing to cut around - just go from right to left, grabbing the stalks in your left hand and cutting with your right, pulling them up, and then stacking them; then, going back for more. The cool evening breeze, the gradually reddening of the sun as it goes down, the rustle of the other barley and the wheat yet to be cut.

It doesn't get much better than that.

Work?

Another reminder today that I should really think about finding another job.

Yesterday, I had a dental and medical appointment, so I didn't go into the office - instead, between appointments and after, I worked on documents, checked my e-mails and responded, and telconned in. I felt pretty good, one of those "Ready to plan and take on the world" kind of days. The same was true today as I left late to have blood drawn: I was ready to go in, make a difference, and accomplish something.

I crawled home at 7:30 physically and mentally exhausted. After doing other things in the day, I got sucked into an emergency for someone else which took me an hour to resolve - then caught up on the items from the day before yesterday that I didn't discuss with my boss. Even now, there is a pile of work on my desk just waiting to ambush me tomorrow.

The funny - or frustrating - thing is that there is no sense of purpose or success to this work. If we complete it, more will come right after it. In a client based business, one never sees the completion - you're already on to the next project, and in my business, we're hardly doing things that truly make an impact.

If I feel this way day after day when I come home, something is just not right.

An Iron Will

This week I got a book that is one of those that I think I can say will change my life. The book: An Iron Will by Orison Swett Marden. It was originally published in 1901, and so may suffer from the accusation that it is "hokey".

It is a book about developing the power of the will, harnessing it to achieve as much as you can. He uses short paragraph length biographies about how individuals who were in far more dire circumstances than I have ever been, and how they used their willpower to overcome their difficulties and succeed.

I read a similar quote this week from author and consulting Brian Klemmer: "The energy used to power a light bulb and a laser are the same. The difference is how they are focused."

Which is part of Marden's point: to use your will effectively, it needs to be focused on whatever you want to achieve - which has always been part of my difficulty, as I have problems both deciding what I want to focus on (afraid by making a decision I will lose the power of choice, which is true, but may open up other vistas) and then sticking to it.

But, says my mind, we've passed 40 now, so the time to start deciding and focusing is now - before time runs out....

Buy the book. It's short enough to read every day, yet profound enough to mentally chew on for a while afterwards.

HWMNBN

I had breakfast with He Who Must Not Be Named (HWMNBN). It was of course a good time - being with HWMNBN always is - but a strangely refreshing in a way I had not anticipated.

HWMNBN's brother is dying - literally within the next few days. Yet HWMNBN is not at all dismayed with this - He is resting his whole weight on the promises of God. I was privileged to listen to a phone conversation between him and his aunt. He said that they were looking at it as a new birth - his arrival into heaven - and that he was jealous, as his brother was going to get to ride the perfect carbon fiber bike before him. He said that when his brother moved on, he was at such peace he didn't feel he would cry - that he knew where he his brother would be, and that it would truly be with the Lord.

It was privilege to hear this conversation - indeed, to be involved with this situation at all. HWMNBN's faith was so vivid and real at that moment, that I was put to shame. I need to have faith like that.

Pray for HWMNBN's family - even with his faith, it will undoubtedly still be hard. And pray for all those who have loved one dying, that they might have the knowledge and peace of Christ in their hearts.

Congratulations!

A special round of congratulations goes out tonight to Bogha Frois and L'Acadien, who got married tonight! A long time coming, and a very happy thing indeed!

"Marriages are all happy - It's having breakfast together that causes all the trouble." - Irish Proverb

Waiting

I'm onsite at a contract manufacturing organization (CMO) this week, here to observe the media fills for a client's runs.

If you've never been involved in pharmaceutical manaufacturing at a commercial plant, it's quite different from clinical or research manufacturing. The schedule is fixed weeks in advance, so you theoretically schedule your visit when all or the bulk of your work is to be done.

And then you arrive, and then life happens.

Of my three days here, the first day I got to observe the end of a run - starting at 12:oo AM and going until 2:00 AM. The second day was clean up, so I saw nothing. Today, I arrived at 8:00 to observe. However, due to personnel availability, the start of the run has been delayed, so here I sit. I have to leave at 4:30 this afternoon for the airport, so if I'm lucky, I'll get to see some of the filling process.

Manufacturing is like this.

But then again, this is a microcosm of life. Life is like this too, if I really admit it. We really like to believe we have control of all (or at least most) of the events of our lives, but how often are we stymied by events out of our control, or things that change, or things that fail or don't happen? At least for myself however, unlike the CMO environment, where I am understanding and patient, I tend to become impatient and lash out the people or circumstances around me. How do I reasonably explain this dichotomy?

The feeling of control, the control that I think I should have over all events in my life - but don't because it is simply impossible.

I need to be more patient and willing to wait - not just in work situations, but in all aspects of my life. The simple fact is, accept it or not, sometimes that's the way it is.

Rumination on an Illinois Cornfield

Withered sentinels,
Stalks in rows await the end,
Dead brown among green.

Goals, Dreams, and Guidance

I'm struggling again with goals, dreams, and guidance.

I found a great deal of help and comfort today in reading When I Don't Desire God by John Piper. It had some very practical suggestions for Bible reading and prayer and how the world and its beauties can point us to God.

A phrase that particularly captured me was "In daily life, to live wisely is to achieve the God centered goals for which we were created, including the glory of God in the gladness of our worship." (p. 145).

"To achieve the God centered goals for which I was created" - that, to me, is a perfect mission statement. It helps me to clarify my own:

To Write for Impact,
To Preserve for the Future,
To Lead for Change,
To Glorify God

- In that the focus of all of these is that that they are God centered.

So with that in mind, looking at all my wants and dreams, what are God centered goals?
- To glorify God in all that I do.
- To find joy in Christ more than anything is this world and glorify His worth through the His Word, Prayer, and His creation.
- To be a godly example and leader to my wife and children.
- To bear the Fruit of the Spirit (this would make a long list indeed!)
- To write in such a way that God is glorified.
- To preserve The Ranch (and all that I would have) in such a way that God's creation points others to God.
- To manage my physical body in such a way that it is useful to God yet is not glorified for the sake of itself.
- To use my mind in God glorifying ways through teaching and learning such that I glorify God more, not that I become more prideful or enamoured of my learning.
- To manage my finances in such a way that God is glorified in my money, not that my covetousness and greed are indulged.

Greetings from Illinois

Huzzah! Greetings from Illinois, where it is not quite the spring we have in California: when I left, it was 85 F and sunny. Here, it's 45-50 F, overcast, and we actually had snow today.

Travelling is good for the soul, even if I don't personally enjoy it all the time. The landscape alone is different: here, it's relatively flat and amazingly green to someone from Northern California. Flying over the US as we came, you are struck by the contrast of miles and miles of seemingly unoccupied desert with peaks thrusting their heads up, still snowbound.

Things here are much more spread out in the towns, as land is apparent not in short supply. Still, it is rural enough that I have seen some beautiful barns as I was driving. Lots of fields for what I assume will be corn (it's too late for most winter grains, and I think too early for the summer ones).

The one thing this all does do is make me desire to be at The Ranch even more. There's a way to make something there that will be economically viable. I know there is. Being out among the fields and barns makes it even more desirable (the green doesn't hurt either).

The question is what.

Who do you want to be today?

So challenged by Bogha Frois to take action after I note difficulties, this morning I sat down and made a list of role models: those individuals whom I think have characteristics worthy of emulating in part. None of this (with the exception of the first) is without flaw, but it is an interesting point of departure.

1) Jesus Christ - Saviour, Messiah, Son of God

Then, in no particular order:

2) John Bunyan (1628-1688): Christian Writer and Preacher. Wrote widely; his most famous book is Pilgrim's Progress.
3) Miyamoto Musashi (1584 - 1645): Japanese Swordsman. Author of A Book of Five Rings.
4) Nehemiah (active 444-424 BC): Cupbearer to Artaxerxes I; rebuilt walls of Jerusalem.
5) Ruth (ca. 1146-1105 BC): Biblical book and character; great grandmother of King David.
6) Esther (active 483-473): Biblical book and character; queen of Xerxes I, Persian King
7) Crazy Horse (1842 - 1877): War leader of the Lakota Sioux.
8) Leonidas son of Anaxandridas (ca 540 - 480 BC): Agiad King of Sparta; led the Three Hundred to the Pass of Thermopylae.
9) Marcus Porcius Cato (234 - 148 BC): Roman Statesman and Censor. Author of On Farming.
10) Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790): American statesman, inventor, scientist, politician, political theorist, diplomat, businessman, and author.
11) George Washington (1732 -1799): American General, Farmer, and President.
12) Elijah (Active ca. 870-855 BC): Hebrew Prophet.
13) Colum Cille (Columba) of Iona (521-597): Irish missionary monk to the Picts.
14) Gene Logsdon (Current): American man of letters, critic, and farmer. Author of numerous books.
15) Marin Luther (1483 - 1546): German monk, theologian, reformer, university professor and author.
16) John Carter - Warlord of Mars. Fictional character of Edger Rice Burroughs.
17) Michael Collins (1890 - 1922): Irish revolutionary leader, politician, Director of Intelligence for the IRA, and Commander in Chief of the National Army.
18) Theodore Roosevelt (1858 - 1919): American president, governor, historian, naturalist, explorer, author, and soldier.
19) CS Lewis (1898 - 1963): Irish author and scholar. Most famous for The Chronicles of Narnia.
20) Alexius Comnenus I (1048 - 1118): Byzantine Emperor. Founder of the Comnenus dynasty.

So there you have it. Even as I write them, I begin to see patterns: military, honor, leaders, farmers, authors. Even seeing this, I need to go a little deeper: Why do I admire these people? What is it about them that I would seek to emulate?

Role Models

So I'm struggling with goals and motivation - a fairly typical occurrence for me, as it happens every 3 months or so. I set goals, and then I lose my motivation to achieve them, feeling less than energetic, or a failure, or it doesn't matter.

So, in an excess of feeling as if I needed to be punished, I spoke with Bogha Frois. Two items came out of it:

1) What is your motivation set in?
2) How do you evaluate those whom you seek to emulate?

For 1), my motivation (as I have written earlier) always seems to be in the gaining of the approbation or pleasure of others. The nut to crack here is how to essentially self motivate, to set and seek out goals not for what they will cause others to do, but what they will make me.

For 2), Bogha Frois points out quite rightly that there is not necessarily a need to adapt folks without reservation, but to take the best part of different individuals and emulate them. Still, it is a relevant question: Whom do I believe are worthy role models? What about them should I seek to emulate? How do I do this?

Who are your role models, those whom you seek to emulate?

Some Thoughts to Start Today

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi

"Don't wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking." - William Butler Yeats

"Begin to be now what you will be hereafter." - William James

Running Bees

Having bees for a hobby is kind of like moonshining.

You pay for your bees, then you go to the site - invariably out away from "city folk" (lest the insects that support their fruit smoothies interfere with their lives - where, in a semi-clandestine exchange, you pick up (and pay for or prepay) x boxes - three in my cases. They go in the the trunk of your car, then off you go - in my case, with my three daughters, to act as cover in case of a traffic pullover.

Then, you drive to the location of your hives - again, away from the "city folk" -, going through the small rural towns of the valley. You look in your back mirror, and suddenly one of the bees which was attracted to the queen's pheromones and was on the outside of the box has now floated up to the back window. No worries - one bee.

Then, when you look back a little later (trying not to swerve and attract attention), you see it's two. Then three. Soon, ten - all against the back window, but now at least one is flying around the back of the car.

So, you pull over, away from the freeway, hoping again you don't attract attention. Out go the bees after a little shooing. You eventually have to do this another one to two times.

Finally, you arrive at your locale of hive placement - after 250 miles of driving (for me, The Ranch). Using a home prepared substance out of legal materials (syrup), you doctor it up for your purposes (with essential oils and antibiotics to feed the bees.

The hives, which were on hold since last year, are back out of storage. Into each hive, you take the queen cage stuffed with marshmallow (no queen candy in them) and place it in the center of the deep. Then, against all common sense, you slam the bees to the bottom of their box - two times at least - then start pouring clumps of bees into the hive (you would not think bees would clump, but they do). In fact, leaving all leave of your senses, you play Bee pinball, trying to roll smaller clumps through the hole in the box and into the hive. All of this, you do three times.

Then, you place a feeder above each hive, as progressively more bees whir around your head, and pour into it a portion of your "syrup", after having placed a "pollen patty" (a patty purportedly made of pollen and other "ingredients") onto the top of the hive. On top of this, you place the lid. Again, you do all of this three times.

I love having bees.

And if you think this sounds like moonshining, wait until we talk about taking honey...

Creation

Gardening, to me, is proof that God exists. How else could you explain that planted things, which seemingly do not have any of the required things or prime conditions for them, grow?

Witness my asparagus. I planted them without a row, probably not a wide enough trench, in some cases with the roots seemingly pointed up - yet when I went out on Wednesday, a frond caught my eye. Over the last two days, more have started showing up.

It appears I have asparagus.

What a good God - that we are granted a surfeit of wealth in the food that comes from His creation, if only we exercise a little effort. In fact, in so much He is gracious - "He makes the rain to fall on the just and the unjust."

The miracle of creation is not that we exist, but that God in His mercy and goodness continues to pour out His grace and love on rebels in every aspect of our existence.

Change

So I think I've figured out what the dream means, and why imaginings/fantasies are so attractive to me.

My realization started today with the thought, based on Bogha Frois' comments, that a dream with a known result is seemingly more desirable to me than reality with unknown results. Why? Because you don't know (and can't control) the outcome.

Then I realized that there are two types of people in my life: those whom I perceive as making changes or decisions and it having no impact, and my imaginings, in which my which my choices have direct impact (that whole cause and effect thing that was beaten into me in physics). Put another way, there are those to whom I try to live up to, and those to whom I live at the same level.

Which then brought forth the thought, why do you change, make decisions, or take actions?

More often than not, it is to get an action or behaviour out of others - rather than changing for them sake of improving myself or taking action.

Which is why 90% of my changes, decisions, or actions fail - because I take them based on the expected actions or behaviour of others, rather than for the benefit or excellence that is to be derived from them personally.

Do I care too much about the opinion of others? Why don't I live up more to the image of what I could be, rather than what I am?

Is this why I lack self confidence - that if I do something in hopes of affecting someone else and it fails, I feel like I have failed - instead of the intended action not causing the desired effect?

Grain

My grain is starting to reach the point that I need to consider harvest.

It's interesting - I learned some things for next year. Mostly the fact that my summer and winter gardens need to change sides as the seasons turn, and that fallow is not a really bad thing.

Again, my barley seems to have done super well. I have less crops of my two wheats, and maybe some rye as well - but the rye was planted on the summer side, and buried by weeds, so it seems to not have done as well.

The kicker is for next year. Even I, in my paranoid fashion, am eyeing the growing turmoil in food production. Could I plant enough grain on my garden to support us for a year? No way.

But - could I put in enough grain at the Ranch to do it? Maybe. I'd need more equipment - largely a manure spreader (readily available), a reaper/binder (less available), and a thresher (More difficult, although I've seen plans for a simple one). And seed, of course - although the items we used the year we tried were not nearly as productive as the stuff I grow at home.

I only need one good year, and then an annual rotation. Maybe I'm being silly, but I like my bread, I like to grow and grind grain - and a little paranoia once in a while is not a bad thing...

Odd Dream Part II

The ever helpful Bogha Frois analyzed my dream for me this afternoon.

"So what's it mean" she asked?

"I've no idea. Nothing in it makes sense."

"What did DT represent?"

"Personally, not a clue. If I had to think about it, I'd probably say it represents my inner longings that feel like their being trapped-"

"Nope."

"Nope?"

"Nope. Here's what I think. With DT, you said that you already know what any outcome would be?"

"Yeah. You did read the blog, right? This is the kind of person I am well familiar with from my past."

"So what you're saying to me is that this...this..."

"Daydream?"

"Okay, daydream...this daydream, although you already know how things are going to end, is more desirable to you than the problems you are facing. You'd rather face a known failure than the unknown problems that you have to work on."

"In other words..."

"In other words, even you're daydreams are sad in that you dream about things you know will go badly. At least dream about something happy."

"But the dreams that are happy would never be. You know that."

"Yes I know. How pathetic is that?"

Like I said, she's very helpful.

But thought provoking. I know in my heart of hearts that I can never move in that direction, that the outcome is preordained - but that doesn't seem to stop some portion of my mind.

Desire is a dangerous and headstrong thing - given its head, it will run one over the cliff without thinking.

Glorifying God

Had a very good - and very thought provoking - men's retreat this weekend. The focus was on prayer, specifically the Lord's Prayer (Mathew 6: 5-15). The teaching was by Pastor Robert Briggs of Immanuel Baptist Church. It included the nature of how we pray, the Lord's prayer as a model, and the attitude of prayer.

The thought that has convicted me since then is simply my own unworthiness and my self focus. As Pastor Briggs pointed out, the Lord's prayer is designed such that first is God and His priorities, then us and our priorities. God's priorities: That the name of God is to be glorified, that there a serious interest in the furtherance of the Kingdom of God, and that there is a desire to see the accomplishment of the will of God on earth.

Frankly, the whole discussion simply made me realize how shallow and weak I am. How often am I concerned with glorifying God - I mean, I say I do, but do I really mean it? How often do I substitute my own desire and wants as ways that I will glorify God (by getting my own needs met) rather than simply seeking to glorify Him by obeying Him?

For example: I have a list of things I want to do, things I would like to be. In reality, I have been given certain gifts by God - am I seeking to glorify Him by using them to His glory, or am I seeking to use them to glorify myself or make myself feel better?

There's a lot caught up in this - submission, goals, holiness obedience. It was unsettling and good - but I am still haunted by the thought of glorifying self instead of glorifying God.

Sunrise

Above the pink haze,
Twin peaked mountain stands waiting
as the sun creeps up.

Another Odd Dream

I had another one of those "Odd" dreams again last night. The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself were driving to the bottom of the American River Canyon to go to a Starbucks (and no, there is no Starbucks at the bottom of the American River Canyon). Once we were there, for some reason the Ravishing Mrs. TB had a quesodilla but wanted another one. For some reason I had one, but nothing to cut with. She was insistent that I get a knife or something from the cashier. This seemed to be a big deal - her insistence, my reluctance.

So I did ask, and get it. Suddenly, it's night and time to leave. We go out to the car, and suddenly I see DT there with family (I assume). We get in the car to leave, my eyes trying to catch DT's, even as they drive away. We get in, and we ourselves drive away in the dark.

And then again, I wake up in a disturbed mood (late for work, to boot).

Reality Smackdown

So I reached the point tonight (as I do occasionally) where work has become so stressful that I think to myself, "Self, I need to think about a new job."

I don't do this lightly. I don't really want to start over at the bottom somewhere else. But due to some home responsibilities this morning, I got to eat with my family, see my girls off to school, and drive in the sunlight. Gosh, I thought, wouldn't it be great if life was always like this?

So then I started looking online tonight. And now, I'm thankful I have a job.

There is nothing in my field in my area - or almost nothing. Entry level positions, perhaps one or two potential jobs (one of which I've interviewed for at least twice before), but not nearly what there was even a year ago.

This is jarring to me. It's also a reality smackdown, as this is continuing a trend I have noticed. Five years ago, interest from recruiters and companies dropped from trees. Two years ago, you had to work a bit, but there were still plenty online. Even a year ago, there was a fair amount online.

Now, not so much.

So the question: how do I manage my job and my stress level and the fact that for the duration, approximately 19 hours of my day are consumed by work or sleep (12 hours work, including commute, 7 hours sleep)?

How do I remain thankful I have a job?

Meetings, Emergencies, and Onions (and Garlic)

Today was just a slogging, miserable day - the kind of day where you start meetings at 0830 that bleed into other meetings, then into meeting for an emergency, then lunch when you talk about the emergency, then another meeting about the emergency, then you end up leaving 8.5 hours later (rising time is 0430, with a 2 hour commute in the afternoon) missing yet another meeting but you have a carpool, so off you go. The fabulous thing is that you have somehow managed to avoid doing any of the work that you intended to do, so you have that to work on as soon as you come in the next morning.

And the emergencies - that's the sheer insanity. There are moments when one feels as if one is trapped where the very process of thinking has been somehow abandoned, where common sense was left at Tivoli, where not only does the right hand not know what the left hand is doing but it is questionable if any two fingers on the same hand are moving in the same direction.

So to make myself happy, I planted onions and garlic.

The garden is getting ready to make the switchover from winter to spring: The wheat, rye, and barley are in full head now, and I am digging around them, preparing for the next round. The potatoes have sprouted, and I had the rather unusual experience of trying to plant asparagus - the root balls were big, and they take up lots of room, and then I figured "If I can plant them in rows, why not post holes?" We'll see - these things never work out well for me.

I planted three types of onions - yellow sets, seeds for Alisa Craig (a yellow bulbing onion), and Red Torpedo Onion ( a not surprisingly red onion). I like planting seeds, as it does give you more selection, and you can plant them closer - you pull them early for green onions (Yum!). The garlic are just plain old 3rd generation Safeway that I bought and have saved - although I have been getting some fabulous purple heads (which are hot - again, yum!).

It's amazing to me how happy being in the garden, working with the soil and plants, makes me - not that I have any more control over the process, but perhaps because I am less at the receiving end of circumstances beyond my control.

And, I suppose, that I get to eat the fruits (or vegetables) of my labor, instead of collecting more paper which will eventually be recycled.

Simple Pleasures

This evening one of simple pleasures. As the Ravishing Mrs. TB has had a hard week, I offered to take the girls out for a while. We used the Truck (always a pleasure for me) and went to In-n-Out burger for dinner. I am coming more and more to appreciate the virtues of In-N-Out for various reason: They are inexpensive (one of the few places we can feed our family for under $20.00), they are tasty, and since it costs the same to go to McDonald's, why not go where you like it more? (No small plastic knick-knacks to lay around, either)

After that, we went over to Lowe's. I typically don't like going to big home improvement stores (but prefer Lowe's to Home Depot), but I had gift cards, so off we went. We got peat pots to start our garden vegetables - in the past, I've been lazy about it , and my gardening suffers for it.

I also got a few flowers to plant around the front of the house. I've pretty much surrendered to the fact that for landscaping, especially out front (which typically I never see, because I'm in the house), as long as it is neat, easy, and has flowers, I'm good. At this point, we're not seeking to sell the house, and we're certainly not trying to impress anyone, so why not be reasonable.

One of the gems of the evening was watching the girls point out and follow the sparrows that live inside Lowe's. They always remind me of seeing the small things and valuing them.

And then, home and reading and bed. All in all, a reasonable evening.

Foggy Moon

Coastal pre-dawn fog
diffuses the crescent moon
as a pastel blur.

Spring in wine country

Smudgepots in vineyards,
Smokey squat Spring Jack-O-Lanterns
Scare away the cold.

The waning moon is blurred
by translucent harbringers:
Spring is not quite here.

Speech

So yesterday, I was preparing for my faith group lesson. We have currently been going through Titus, generally taking a section as broken down in the MacArthur Study Bible. Originally, I was going to do Titus 3:1-8.

Then, that whole thing about the Word of God being sharper than a two-edged sword, dividing between the soul and the spirit, came to light.

The verses we actually got to were verses 1 and 2: "Remind them to submit to rulers and authorities, to obey, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no-one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing all meekness to all men".

In doing this study, I consulted Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Whole Bible. Here's a sample of where we ended up - for me, the most condemning part, the question of speaking evil of no-one:

“To speak evil of none, unjustly and falsely, or unnecessarily, without call, and when it may do hurt but no good to the person himself or to any other. If no good can be spoken, rather than speak evil unnecessarily, say nothing. We must never take pleasure in speaking ill of others, nor make the worst of any thing, but the best we can. We must not go up and down as tale-bearers, carrying ill-natured stories, to the prejudice of our neighbour’s good name the destruction of brotherly love. Misrepresentations, or insinuations of bad intention, or of hypocrisy in what is known, things out of our reach or cognizance, these come with reach of this prohibition. As this evil is too common, so it is of great malignity.” (p. 2373).

Talk about being hit between the eyes. Yes, perhaps I don't engage in directly saying evil about others, but how often to I insinuate, say something when I should say nothing, read into circumstances that which is not there, give interpretations when I don't know.

The thing which I think bothers me more is how often I try to conceal it from myself by couching it in terms of being informed, or honest, or "getting a complaint off my chest." To read Henry, I'm just fooling myself.

But isn't that the nature of so much of our ingrained sin - that we conceal it from ourselves by the excuses that we make? As the Apostle Paul said, "But if we judged ourselves truly, we should not be judged" (I Corinthians 11:31) (Although interestingly enough, the Greek is more to "If we discerned ourselves/judged ourselves correctly, we would not be discerned/judged). Did I judge myself honestly today -or hide my sin under a layer of intentional ignorance?