This past Wednesday night, I was confronted with two very different emotional states.
The first was one that was leftover from work, a continuation (effectively) of a battle that was going on before I left, the remnants of a conversation that stirred up a cloud of unresolved issues. This has become more common for me of late, the ghosts of work that hang around my head as I climb the stairs and enter my refuge.
The thought would not let go as I continued to try to work through it, arguments and counterarguments (sometimes very unworthy of someone who calls himself a Christian) echoing through my brain. I had ten counterarguments, was ready to directly charge the breastworks alone.
And then I read an e-mail.
It was an e-mail from a friend. A significant medical procedure he had been waiting on for sometime was suddenly happening tomorrow. Would, he asked, I be willing to pray for him?
---
It is funny how our minds works (or perhaps, it is confined only to mine).
On the one hand, I can let things that truly matter not at all (if I thought logically about them) consume my mind long after the event has ended. They follow me, like the spirits of the departed, throughout the rest of my day or evening, living (as the saying goes) "rent free" in my head. I form arguments and counter arguments, giving rise to withering repartee and smug satisfactions of a victory earned.
In those moments, I forget the things that truly do matter.
As I often counsel the Younglings at work (at my job, almost everyone is younger than I), most of what we do at work does not matter in the long run. Most of it will never see the market, will never make it to patients, will die the quiet death of the failed project in darkness, with only banker's boxes of documents or hard drives as reminders, to be slowly destroyed or deleted over the years.
---
My friend texted me the day of his operation; all was well and the initial surgery had gone well. The other part - the ghost battles built in my mind, the great arguments I was going to make - completely made irrelevant by discussions that happened during the day: the "Great Event" turned out to be nothing more than another ordinary meeting.
Thankfully I had something to remind me what mattered. Would that I remembered this more.
Not to be a downer but once you leave that work place those thoughts kinda go away TB, those workplace interactions aren't there anymore, at least on a daily basis since friendships may continue. The mental gymnastics are easy to get sucked into.....ask me how I know...(sigh). Praying for that friend, helping someone else.....yah, good things to prioritize.
ReplyDeleteNylon12 - Over the space of a 25+ year career in the industry, I am fortunate to have held onto a handful of friendships that transcended jobs. It is hard, because the friendship has to be more than just about work; it has to be...well, an actual friendship. I think many people take that part for granted (I certainly have).
DeleteI need to find a better way to disconnect from work when I leave work. I am stuck with the " I need to be available" and the need to not be plugged in all the time.
I'm thinking that the first situation is an example of what scripture calls vain imaginations. We become actively engaged in a thought process that 1) may or may not be accurate, and 2) may or may not become reality. And if it does happen (at least in my experience) usually turns out differently that how I thought.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your friend's surgery went well.
Mental discipline is one of the hardest skills to master. At least I've worked on it for a good chunk of my life and still have a long way to go. I think it's because the emotions become engaged and emotions can be tenacious.
Leigh - "Vain imaginations" is a good way to describe it. It is very much running into a future that is completely of my own imagining. I can argue (unsuccessfully) that it is me trying to be "prepared", but that is not really it at all. If I am honest, at certain times there is a perverse pleasure to be taken iit.
DeleteEmotions - especially negative ones - are something I have struggled with all of my life. I am getting slightly better at them, but it has taken quite a long time to get here.
Thank you for the kind thoughts. No additional update yet, but I will do so when I have another one.
Despite knowing better the older I get, I find my brain is harder to shut off or at least refocus on those situations as you described from your work. I also find that it takes less and less for me to get my brain cranked up about a subject. Both of these things cause sleepless nights unless I take very specific precautions for my bedtime routine.
ReplyDeleteEd - It is good to know it is not just me. This one reason I have continued to retreat from media in general and very specifically curate my social media feeds. I am maybe less "well informed" than I was 10 years ago, but a great deal less stressed.
DeleteAll I want to say is, I admire your ability to self reflect in a public forum, TB. And get respect for it. While I can (over)share on my blog about things that I think make a good story, I am reluctant to show the world the inner battle I sometimes struggle with - not because I don't want to. But because I suspect the response would be, "uh... I think you need therapy" - which, of course, could be true. But I also know that sometimes we just need to process things "out-loud" to regular people. And I think, all us regular people need to hear the out-loud processing sometimes - if, for no other reason, than because we see ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThat's just to say, I read, I am intrigued at your ability to do this, I make some mental notes, and then I (largely) fail to do it myself.
Becki - Heh heh. I suspect often the common response to some of my posts is "Dear Lord, why is this man not in therapy?"
DeleteAs I get older, one of the things I find important is the idea of being an example - not just in success, but in the ordinary parts of life. Showing people it is okay to fail or watching me as I struggle through something is part of life; many people never see anyone have to deal with issues. I think even at our "advanced age", we can still offer a service.
"I largely fail to do it myself". Me too Becki, me too. I am getting (slightly) better.