One of the things I realized - again, for thousandth time - is that I am simply not mentally the same as I as prior to February 2020.
That month, for those that have been with me long enough, was the date of A Sort Of Hammerfall - my effect reassignment from a job function of 18 years and an executive position to an individual contributor position in project management. On the whole everything worked out for the best of course, but something just not seem right.
It was not that moment of course, it was all the moments leading up to that moment, things I have to fight against even now in my work environment: focusing on one thing at a time (and paying attention to it) instead of multi-tasking by being in a meeting while typing responses to questions and trying to respond to e-mails and work on something else; reacting or over reacting to simple requests; that nauseous feeling I get in meetings where senior staff is present; an almost complete inability to focus and lack of attention to detail.
Are these all new? No, there were present in some form or fashion prior to this. But everything got much, much worse after I got "repurposed", so much so that I feel like I am not a competent employee.
There is a lot that went on prior to that moment of course, four years of a stressful work environment that got increasingly worse and a difficult reporting structure that - even more so in the rear view mirror - was not a good one.
I wonder - Is it a real thing, and what does one do about it?
Talking to someone, while useful immediately after, did not seem to resolve the issue at all. In fact, what I list above seem to be symptoms, symptoms of a problem that I cannot fully define. I do not know that "talking" to someone again will help. I need some kind of practical actions that can help me snap out of this almost 3 years funk I find myself in.
Gratefully soliciting suggestions.
God show you the way, TB. Sorry I can't say anything better.
ReplyDeleteYou all be safe and God bless.
Thank you Linda. Now that I am actually giving it a name, I am trying to understand the best way to address it.
DeleteI'm not sure I have a suggestion because every job I've ever had has had those sorts of periods. I pretty much feel that the only way to avoid those sort of situations is to own your own company and be your own boss. Of course statistics say that will never happen for most. I have always just kept my head down and focused on how soon I could just stop working, right up until I stopped working... at least for somebody else.
ReplyDeleteEd, concur that these periods happen at all jobs. This one feels like it has gone on more or less for almost 3 years, which is a bit bothersome.
DeleteAt one time in the long ago, I owned my own company. Sadly, I found out that "being my own boss" resulted in less stability, less pay, and (in my case) an outright failure. There are any number of potential reasons this occurred, but I am likely the biggest cause of that: I am not an independent business owner. I am trying to keep my head down and just work, but the peripheral symptoms make me question if just "endurance" is enough.
ReplyDeleteTake a fresh legal pad and a roller pen... Start to list as fast as you can what you remember about the last four years that stands out as incongruous. Break that mass into work environment that was a stressor list. And what you remember about you, your personal performance that seemed out of character. Then split those lists into what you had control over and what you didn't. Get it on paper where you can see it.
Take the issue lists that were / are beyond your direct control, offer to God for resolution, and burn them. Whats left is what you can choose to manage or ignore. Your choice. You get to own what you want. Think of it as a way to "downsize" the funk bucket.
I have no idea why this came to me, but I'm in the same area code with my own funk bucket. I'm gonna do this today to see what I'm wasting my time with and what parts I can influence. Thanks for making me think.
Thank you for the advice STxAR. I have done smaller versions of this, but not specifically work. Who knows; we may both benefit from it!
Delete"Funk."
ReplyDeleteTalking is a great help, but talking to someone doesn't usually help with the underlying causes for how you are feeling.
My work experience includes being part of a closure where every one lost their job, and experiences where management was either ineffective, indifferent, or inimical to the needs of the work force.
Your work experience over the last four years includes what you said, and you didn't mention that the experiences you faced in dealing with both your mother and father heavily influenced what you are capable of dealing with at work.
A fellow military reservist told me that stress builds up, and he likened one's ability to deal with stress as being a bookshelf.
You can keep stacking more and more books on that shelf until it fails, and when the failure occurs, you cannot place any books on the shelf.
The bookshelf analogy doesn't tell you when to stop adding books.
My wife and I are slowly healing after the long difficult process of dealing with her parents, and I have found out that the healing is not going to happen overnight.
And both of us are realizing that it is slower than we wish it would be.
From my experience none of this is something that you can snap out of.
Instead there is a process of critical analysis and then you can only change what you can change.
Thank you John. The bookshelf analogy seems very apt indeed. I suppose the issue is going to be how I unstack the books instead of adding to them.
DeleteI suspect my parents' situation plays into this too, although in my mind they are separate things (that does not mean they are, of course, only that I try to put a dividing line where none may exist). Layer on work and some element of "What happens next?", and this is likely how we got here in the first place.
I am in theory thinking about decluttering aspects of my life; perhaps I need to take a more holistic view.
You sound trapped. What are your skill-sets? Are you good at anything that a small group or individuals (not a corp.) will pay you for? Are you working just for the paycheck? Do you love the people you work with? Are you distracted because you see a train coming and everyone is standing on the tracks?
ReplyDeleteDo you have a community where you are?
This may sound trite, but there are a couple of self help books out there that are really good. "The Road Less Traveled " by M Scott Peck is excellent. He was the real deal.
Raven, likely there is an element of "trapped" there. Part of it is the simple fact that for the next 6 to 9 months at least, we need to keep everything more or less the same to get the youngest graduated and out the door.
DeleteProject Management as a skill is something that seems to live in larger companies as for smaller companies, this is already done effectively by managers and SMEs - and even then, I question if this is something I would carry forward with. In many aspects this is working primarily for a paycheck. Like most companies I have worked for, I do enjoy greater than 90% of the folks I work with.
Distracted...quite likely. There are any number of trains I see on the tracks barreling down and little if any action taken by most (professional and personal). And that may be part of the issue - feeling like something should be done, but no-one is doing anything.
Community...no, not really. I have my Iai and rabbit shelter volunteer activities, but these are really not the sort of community you are thinking of.
It has been (literally) years, 30 or more, since I read "The Road Less Traveled". I will definitely give it a second look.
Thank you for all of your good thoughts and questions.
My appreciation of Pecks qualifications was enhanced by reading "People of the Lie", which is an exploration of evil he personally encountered in his practice. IIRC, he was a Catholic, and also one of the people the Army asked to figure out why the Mai Lai massacre happened. Sort of like "Ordinary Men", it is not a book to read without all one's psychic armor secured.
ReplyDeleteI am in awe of people who can manage complex projects and weave all the multiple threads together- a skill I wish I had!
Raven, I have read that book as well and remember some of those descriptions of actual evil.
DeleteProject management is a lot of tracking different streams and asking people "How are we doing now? On track?"
Heard long ago it's like practicing anything to get better. When the mind has less to do you loose some sharpness and cognitive abilities age helps facilitate it. I have noticed it a great deal since leaving the work force. One suggestion I read was reading more and brain games like puzzles. Alas, I got lazy in that department.
ReplyDeleteBear Claw
Bear Claw, that is a risk I saw with my parents as well. One challenge for me is to things, rather than just spend time on the computer reading about this and that.
DeleteI have more career regrets than I could ever recount. I have made some major blunders and missteps and it is only by God's grace that I have bounced back more than once. I wish I had been entrepreneurial but, the fact is, I was not and am not. I went to law school, and while I am grateful for the legal education, I am way too conflict-avoidant to be a day-to-day lawyer, The seven years I spent in a law firm proved that. But again, God's grace. There is nothing else to explain it. In August 2015 I started the job I'm in now and I've never been happier in my work. I have to put up with much corporate BS and some of it is almost unbearable. But I get by, keeping it all in perspective. I am not independently wealthy, so I have had to work. And if I need to work, this is a pretty good gig and I enjoy it. I am close to retirement, but I still need to work, so I keep at it. But what has helped me is coming to the realization that my job/work/occupation/whatever you want to call it, does not -- and never has -- defined me. That's hard to swallow sometimes because, as much as they would deny it, for a lot of folks, especially men, they ARE defined by their jobs. And in social settings and discussions, it's easier to feel inferior, thinking I have not achieved as much as the next guy or gal. So, for me, it's all about keeping it in perspective and remembering my job is a part of who I am, but it is not who I am.
ReplyDeleteBob - Same here. I had great dreams of being an entrepreneur, only to discover - frankly - that I do not have the sort of drive that it takes to be one. I had other dreams of being a great sort of work leader - my last position was the apotheosis to this, I suppose - only to be reminded again that I am best in a supporting role.
DeleteI have done well in this industry, although it at my core not what I wanted to ever do. Perhaps I have made a difference somewhere occasionally, but my standing joke is most of my work is sitting in banker's boxes at an Iron Mountain facility, waiting to be shredded.
My struggle - or at least part of my struggle - is simply that fc that work, while not defining me, has been the biggest time sink of my life. For not defining me, it has been a great deal of time spent in something I neither love nor feel called to but must do.
Like you, it is more than likely I will have to continue in this field for some form or fashion for another 10-15 years as the independent wealth board has failed to deliver their check yet and while the chance always remains that I might hit the proverbial options lotto, it almost never works out.
The time sink -- I get it. But that's another one of those things I have to release and believe in a plan greater than what I can see. Maybe it goes back to the garden where God told Adam he would work by the sweat of his brow and till the land (paraphrasing but it's something like that) - I don't know. But the fact remains I have to work and that takes a lot of time. I can only control the things I can control. Since I am some years ahead of you, I have reached the point that I am
Deletenow appreciative of what I do Monday - Friday. I also know I have formed some strong work relationships/friendships over the years, and I am grateful for that. As I said earlier, I've made some blunders and missteps and believe I have had to live with the consequences of those (e.g. had I been more shrewd and made some different choices, there would have likely been different results in terms of advancement, salary, etc.), but again, in God's great kindness, I have remained employed, been able to support my family, put three through college, and am within an eyelash of being able to retire. I really can't complain. (Sorry to be so long in this. Your post was really helpful to me in that I have had many of the same thoughts and feelings, and this allows me to look back and, again, put it in perspective. Thank you.)