An acquaintance of mine recently had a career ending decision. It was an innocent enough mistake, but in this particular field it was the sort of mistake that apparently one does not come back from. Beyond just the surprise and shock of this happening and of course the opportunities that will definitely not occur because of this (some things may happen in the future, but not being there means definitely they will not happen), they feel completely foolish about something which, in retrospect, they simply should have never done in the first place.
It impacted my entire thought pattern as I went through the day. Most because it makes me reflect on all the stupid things that I have done.
I use the term "stupid" in my case advisedly: foolish, not think ahead, thinking there were minor consequences when there should have been major ones. The fact that for most of them, I walked away with significant impact made me all the stupider when it really mattered.
My lack of judgement when I was young was profound. I was easily led and so usually went along with what my best friend at the time suggested, which ended me up in activities which - in retrospect - probably would have been arrested for (no, nothing that significant: there are no impacted people or dead bodies. Just minor acts of what would pretty much labeled "disturbing the peace" in those days - but in a small town, that would have been enough). Strangely enough, I skated through them all without incident.
When one gets older, of course, there is less room for error. That failed to deter me though: I managed to avoided get shot at or arrested at least twice in my pursuit of being romantic (again, nothing that significant: hopping fences and showing up late at night was, apparently no more welcomed by fathers in those days than it was by me in mine). There were more consequences this time - my dating life ground to a halt - but again, impervious in my foolishness and my youth, I learned nothing.
Then, of course, you become an adult. And if things did hurt before, they definitely will then.
My biggest and most decisive feat was quitting my then-secure job to strike out on my own in The Firm. Somehow, without a business plan, business model, or even any real experience, I just decided I was going to make it. Newsflash to my younger self: The laws of economics care not at all about what one has "decided". Besides interrupting a career and basically having to start where I left off 16 months later, I also had the pleasure of totaling out my losses - it is fair to say had I stuck with where I was in my "boring" job, I likely would be in a very different financial position now (Full disclosure: the job would have disappeared anyway, but I would have been 1.5 years farther along in the field in a much more career rich environment than having to re-enter it later from a position of "I really, really need a job").
It happened with people as well. In an attempt to make a quip that would make senior management laugh at a former company, I managed to so completely torch a friendship that it took almost 3 years for the individual to speak with me again beyond a simple greeting. And I am reasonably sure it was not the first time that occurred.
When writing about these, I do not feel as if I am writhing in the fire of the decisions over and over again. I have made peace with that part of my past, and accept it for the outcomes that happened and the foolishness that got me there.
Then why did this event with my acquaintance impact me so much?
I think it impacted me because I am fearful that I have continued to learn nothing from them.
Somehow, I still find myself to be that same intensely self-centered young man to whom consequences seem to pass me over and by. I am still far more impetuous than I should be. My ability to plan often feels constrained by my unwillingness to do the dirty work to make for actual successful outcomes. And even until a few years ago, it could be argued that I continued to play chicken with Fate in ways that were neither wise nor prudent.
It is easy enough for me to diagnose my own problem. It is easier still to come up with the solution, which is a lot of quiet, dirty work day after day, following a plan which may seem as foolishness at the present time, but will yield the results I desire, and clearly staying within the well-marked driving lanes of common decency and social mores. My problem is - at is has always been - accepting that this is the way to where I want to be and neither getting sidetracked into foolishness or pretending that somehow, even now, playing chicken with Fate will still always count in the win column for me.
If I truly believed that there was a risk of losing, I think I would be a lot more concerned about not even rolling out on the track to try to the game of Fate chicken in the first place. Because boring but successful beats foolish, risky, and stupid exhilaration almost every time.
Well, that is a meaty post.
ReplyDeleteOne reason I like planting trees is that they do much of the dirty work. I launch a thousand seeds or a hundred seedlings and if most of them don't make it because I got distracted then I can chalk it up to Darwin having the last word.
There is enough truth to the last sentence that I keep doing it. For one thing, it fits with what I know are my own personal shortcomings. And if I plant five pounds of pecans or a hundred persimmon seedlings and stumble across four of them years later it feels like a gift from God.
Other venues are less forgiving.
ERJ - Among the many things that have changed over the years as I have written has been the purpose of this blog - originally it was going to help me "hit the big time"; what it has become (besides a sort of daily journal) is a form of self reflection and in some cases, a confessional.
DeleteThere is a saying I recall - I associate with John Wayne although I have no idea why - that a man should know his own shortcomings. I find it regrettable that in many cases, I delayed realizing them until far later than I should have.
Clint Eastwood in Magnum Force "A man has to know his limitations"
Deletehttps://youtu.be/uki4lrLzRaU?t=68
Thanks ERJ! At least I did not make it up out of whole cloth.
DeleteOne wonders if the preceding commenter is new around here as your posts are always meaty! I had to read this one twice to take it all in.
ReplyDeleteI could write a book on the immaturity and shortcomings of my youth and young (and later) adulthood. I live with some of the consequences of that. I have some mild PTSD over it, sometimes waking in the middle of the night and dwelling on a past failure, or hearing about an incident such as the one with your friend and dwelling on a past narrow escape (or non-escape) of my own.
But I have been privileged to experience the sweetness of God's grace -- pure and simple. While "count your blessings" seems a trite phrase, it's a practice I try to engage in regularly. I trust you do, too, and from reading your blog entries, I believe you're also a grateful recipient of grace.
One thing I might add about youthful indiscretion: my oldest made a series of poor choices in his early 20s, including a dust-up with law enforcement. It was difficult to walk through that with him, wanting him to stand on his own and learn from the error of his ways, while demonstrating unconditional love and forgiveness. Today he is an outstanding young man of character, excelling in his career and, more important, as a husband and father. His wife has on more than one occasion thanked me for raising him as I did. I graciously accept her compliment, while telling her it's all about grace.
Bob - Do not let ERJ fool you. He is a first rate intellect, and his recent writings on forgiveness have given me a lot to thing about.
DeleteI wont to dwell on past errors (less so now than in years past), but like you certain events will stir up all the items that have happened.
I am a recipient of grace, more than I deserve. God's grace, of course. My parents' grace - how in some ways they put up with me is a mystery that now will like be unresolved until Heaven. And The Ravishing Mrs. TB has overlooked more issues than I care to count - The Firm being the biggest, where at one point we were down to $200 in cash and home with a mortgage.
It is good to bear in mind that an issue does not necessarily mean all further venues are closed. We have watched our own children make their decisions - good and bad - and on the whole, they are holding up well. It sounds like in the end, you did very well with your son - hopefully it is a lesson that he, too, can pass down.
Man, Joe and Bob nail it. I saw this in my own family. I never found out what happened, but I saw a 25 year veteran policeman quit under a cloud. It devastated him. He never fully recovered from the loss of the job. It was who he was.
ReplyDeleteI was a lot like you when I was younger. But soon learned that I had to plow my own way through. And I had good examples to follow. And found good ones when I moved to new towns. Romans 13 has some valid points, "they don't wear the sword for nothing" comes to mind. STxAR paraphrase, all rights reserved.
Things like this serve as warnings to us all.
ERJ and Bob are wise men (as are you, STXAR). I have not had the same issue that you relate, but can understand how if one found their way in their job, losing it would be crushing.
DeleteI was slow to the party, but fortunately found good examples (finally) - including through the commenters here.
I can sympathize with your sentiments in this post. But my conclusion is a bit different. It isn't that I never learned the error of my ways. I do learn when I mess up and generally don't ever make the same mistake twice. Where I do make a same mistake again, it has more to do with my age and that I really don't care about the consequences of saying or doing something anymore where I might have when my life situations were different.
ReplyDeleteOne slightly related thing to add to this comment. I will give credit to my addiction of reading only non-fiction books for keeping me from making a lot of common mistakes my peers have made. Reading about others mistakes before I am able to make the same mistake has helped me gain where others didn't. "The Millionaire Next Door" and "Bogleheads Guide to Investing" are two books that frequently come to mind when I think of mistakes I avoided.
Ed - Sadly, I fear I was a little too dense to gather the lesson you did. Although now - like you - when I "make a mistake" it is generally an intentional one.
DeleteThe non-fiction books make a lot of sense. I was pretty good on the historical aspect of things; common sense, not so much.
Spirit Guides have protected me throughout my foibles, misdemeanors, and assorted immaturities. My soul has been protected by greater forces than me. I can only thank them and try to grow into a bigger person with more to give than I've taken.
ReplyDeleteI admit, that sometimes, late at night, I wake in a cold sweat, dreaming of my mistakes, real and imagined. We are human and fallible, great and small. Our capacity for good and evil are the two wolves that ever seek to triumph over each other in the time we have here on this earth.
Tales of Old and Angels and Demons are either true or false, and if true, didn't just die in our modern age. We best think of them as true and act accordingly.
Just So - I can only assume that God and the Angels were working overtime in my case (who knows; for my Catholic friends there may have been saints involved as well). Looking back, there is really no reason I ended up where I did. At some point, my foolishness simply should have overtaken me.
DeleteAs to your waking up - it happens to me as well. I cannot escape the fact that I have been very close to ruining my life any number of times.
That's why being a dentist is better than winning the lottery . . .
ReplyDeleteIndeed John. Although I have to admit that careers like dentistry and ophthalmology would likely drive me made, as there may be a level of sameness to the day that makes even my days look exciting by comparison.
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