I have two friends that are in the process of breaking up.
This is kind of sad. To anyone looking in from the outside it would seem as if they were made for each other - or at least, at one time they were made for each other, until the vagaries of life and the realities of their situations moved them apart.
Being a number of years beyond high school and beyond the typical rough-and-tumble of relationships it is a somewhat disorienting experience - after all, at my age most of the breakups I know of or am around are those that represent the ending of marriages, not the end of dating relationships. In one sense these do not bear the same level (hopefully) as the ending of a commitment potentially involving others; on the other hand they are none the less obviously painful for all involved.
Most difficult of all, of course, is when both parties are reaching out to you. The refereeing of such things involves the gentle art of listening to and being supportive of both sides.
On some levels both of these people are my friends - have been for years. I have (occasionally) in the past made the error of taking sides in such things when I never should have done so because inevitably one or the other relationship goes away - and, of course, you get pulled in. It become incumbent, therefore, to be both understanding and listening while keeping a certain amount of neutrality about the actual detail involved.
What do you do in such situations? A lot of listening, by phone or by typing. Interestingly, I found myself yesterday being a great deal different in some ways than I may have been in the past about such things - instead of merely commiserating or just listening I took the opportunity to push for some personal growth - not really engaging in the "Are you really sure?" or "You could work this out" or other sorts of looking backward but pushing them more towards the future - "What have you learned from this experience and what will you change moving forward?" I do not know if either of them is actually willing to hear what is being said - perhaps it is too soon - but in this much I have changed from before: I will be a sounding board and happily so, but I will not just sit and continue to allow you to remain in the same state that brought you to the point that got you here today.
Because at least in my own experience, sometimes referees can also be the greatest of coaches.
A difficult situation to in TB, but I appreciate your approach of looking forwards and not back. I wish that someone had talked to myself when it happened to me.
ReplyDeleteJohn
I hope so John, and thank you. I have the experience of knowing these two individual both separately and together. In this case the thing cannot be repaired; best to simply learn and move on. If they fail to learn and simply transfer the issues to the next relationship, we will be right back here some years hence, older perhaps but not wiser.
DeleteCan't say I ever been in your position. On line is one thing but Women weren't meant to be friends face to face. That's my story and I am sticking to it :)
ReplyDeleteI had a couple of instances where a friends wife was cheating on him (not with me btw) and I didn't say a word even when I caught her. Once or twice the Women thought it was because I was their friend. I quickly told them it was because my friend, their husband, wasn't ready to accept the truth and had nothing to do with them.
Interesting Preppy. Oddly enough, most of my really good friends (especially as an adult) have been women. No real explanation why.
DeleteLike you, I have come to understand that sometimes people are only ready for a certain level of truth. Telling them more than they are willing to accept will not resolved the issue and in some cases will make the situation worse.