Fear of Strangers

Buried underneath I have a rather unusual fear of strangers.
I am not sure precisely where such a fear comes from.  It is not as if I had some sort of horrible event when I was growing up (I did not) or was mistreated by a random person (never happened) or some other sort of thing that would result in this sort of behavior - good heavens, I probably had more accidental bites and scratches from pets.  But the fear is there, and it manifests itself in strange ways.

I always hang back when I am put in new or social situations, sometimes to the point that they may wonder why the heck I am there anyway.  I find it taxing to actually introduce myself to people and even when I do, I tend to rush through my name.  Engaging in conversation is difficult as well:  partially (I am sure) because I am in many ways unlearned in what most people talk about  socially and partially because I am self conscious about my lack of fitting in.  And part of it, I suppose, is just the issue of wanting to be noticed by others but instinctively, not by making a spectacle of one's self.

Part of it too - if I am honest - is the fear of rejection and hatred of criticism.

I hate rejection.  I hate being rejected.  It has always been an issue, to the point that I will not try things rather than try them and be rejected.  Some people - I suppose many successful people - have learned how to deal with this and move on with their lives.  For whatever reason (and perhaps this is worthy of additional thought) I struggle deeply with this.

Criticism is an extension of rejection.  Criticism I fear because what is criticized is usual what one has poured their lives into - a project, a work, an extension of one's self.  To have something criticized feels like all has been ignored except for what is right.

I have to be fair - maybe I have been on the wrong end of these before.  Like many other things, criticism and rejection and joining groups can be a useful and helpful activities if the way it is handled is appropriate - for example, I have never (that I can recall) been hurt or put to shame by any constructive criticism offered by anyone watching me throw in Highland Events - partially, I suppose, because the intent there was never to wound but only to improve.

I am getting better.  I am more likely to talk to people when I go new places and sometimes will even talk to people before they have talked to me.  The criticism is still an issue - I try not to take it personally but it still hovers in the back of my mind and chews at me if I do not take it in hand.  But every now and again I completely freeze, tormented by the thought of the unknown and what might happen as represented in the form of someone I do not know.