God whacked me over the head - again - today.
1) He reminded me "I am going too quickly". Again, something came up at work today where I went too fast, moved too quickly. I think God is reminding me - again - to slow down, do one thing at a time.
2) God also reminded me through this - again - that what He wants and what I want can be two different things.
Where do I get the idea that God has asked me to do all the things that I think he has - or at least put on my list for Him?
Where do I get the idea that He has has called me to other than where He has me right now?
I only have so much time - and I cannot slack on my true responsibilities to whcih He has called me: husband, father, child of God and ambassador of Christ; death to self, denial of self, consecration of self, sanctification of self. These are goals that Scripture calls out - the rest, the things I wrote down, may be, but they're only of secondary importance.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The Gap between Reality and Fantasy
I have been thinking much lately about the gap in my own life between the dream life - call it imaginings - and the reality of what it is. I think everyone probably has some level of this, from the very simple dreaming of a better physcial circumstance to those who have created whole fantasy lives online through online gaming.
There is some inherent element as well to the documented "Peter Pan Syndrome", a general term which covers the fact that it seems that many people have a form of extended adolescence, living in a sort of world where one extends being a teenager by 10, 20, or 30 years.
For myself, I think that the imaginings and the worlds that exist within them are more a reaction to the life that I am in - the very things that I imagine and see are seemingly the very things that I cannot control or feel powerless about in my own life.
The concern is that these things start to become more real than reality itself.
If you were ever a hopeless romantic, you know well of what I speak: the girl whom you liked in high school (you never had a date), who was nice to you once or twice, on which experiences you built this whole construct in your mind about "What would it be like?...", never knowing (or knowingly ignoring) the fact that they 1) Really didn't seem to know you existed; and 2) Were in practice very different from what you had imagined.
And then there came that point - that point always comes - where your imagined relationship hit the rocks of reality, and you ended up floating to shore (again) on the wreckage of your dream, spitting seaweed and sand out of your mouth - yet already seeing the next ship of dreams in your mind.
It happens with relationships, jobs, finances, conversations - almost anything where there comes a gap between what you thought and what you have.
My question is: Are my desires to much, or are they too little? If I am imagining about things that are not in my life, are there elements I can bring in? Is one doomed only to dream, and never to experience?
There is some inherent element as well to the documented "Peter Pan Syndrome", a general term which covers the fact that it seems that many people have a form of extended adolescence, living in a sort of world where one extends being a teenager by 10, 20, or 30 years.
For myself, I think that the imaginings and the worlds that exist within them are more a reaction to the life that I am in - the very things that I imagine and see are seemingly the very things that I cannot control or feel powerless about in my own life.
The concern is that these things start to become more real than reality itself.
If you were ever a hopeless romantic, you know well of what I speak: the girl whom you liked in high school (you never had a date), who was nice to you once or twice, on which experiences you built this whole construct in your mind about "What would it be like?...", never knowing (or knowingly ignoring) the fact that they 1) Really didn't seem to know you existed; and 2) Were in practice very different from what you had imagined.
And then there came that point - that point always comes - where your imagined relationship hit the rocks of reality, and you ended up floating to shore (again) on the wreckage of your dream, spitting seaweed and sand out of your mouth - yet already seeing the next ship of dreams in your mind.
It happens with relationships, jobs, finances, conversations - almost anything where there comes a gap between what you thought and what you have.
My question is: Are my desires to much, or are they too little? If I am imagining about things that are not in my life, are there elements I can bring in? Is one doomed only to dream, and never to experience?
Pleasing People
I was confronted today by the fact that I am a people pleaser - not in the typical way I think of it, a sort of greasy obsequiousness, but wanting to "go along" and help others - to the point of not doing what I really should be doing.
Why? My excuse in the past has been that I want to meet the needs of my clients/customers/authority figures, and the way to do that was to do my job and run my life in such a way that I would be continually get their approval - be the guy that everyone thought "was useful and helpful and darn funny."
That changed today.
It was pointed out to me in doing something which I thought was innocuous - a document which was being revised, but which in point of fact had been revised some time earlier. This revision had become lost and was now off someone's desk. I, to move it through the system, looked at it, saw it was filled out properly and marked up accordingly, and sent it on. I got read (very gently) the riot act.
So no more.
In my life, I am not as attentive to detail as I should be, being a member of the "good enough" club. That will change.
At work, I always try to find a way to work things so that they work out, a go along-get along sort of philosophy. Again, that changes today. I will review each thing thoroughly in turn. I am trying to be liked by people, instead of doing the job for which I was hired.
I have to fix this. No more stupid mistakes.
Why? My excuse in the past has been that I want to meet the needs of my clients/customers/authority figures, and the way to do that was to do my job and run my life in such a way that I would be continually get their approval - be the guy that everyone thought "was useful and helpful and darn funny."
That changed today.
It was pointed out to me in doing something which I thought was innocuous - a document which was being revised, but which in point of fact had been revised some time earlier. This revision had become lost and was now off someone's desk. I, to move it through the system, looked at it, saw it was filled out properly and marked up accordingly, and sent it on. I got read (very gently) the riot act.
So no more.
In my life, I am not as attentive to detail as I should be, being a member of the "good enough" club. That will change.
At work, I always try to find a way to work things so that they work out, a go along-get along sort of philosophy. Again, that changes today. I will review each thing thoroughly in turn. I am trying to be liked by people, instead of doing the job for which I was hired.
I have to fix this. No more stupid mistakes.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Knowing When To Go
There are times that I wish that we were wired like geese and salmon - that when the time to make a change or go somewhere else was upon us, we would just know it.
There is a sense in which I often struggle with making a decision - not just the fact that I often feel that I have made bad ones (which can be debated, I suppose, at a later date), but that I worry that I am making the right one - the one God want me to make.
Which is somewhat remarkable of itself, because if left unchecked that essentially become soothsaying - looking for signs in the stars, flights of birds, and sheep's livers for an indication of action to take.
Gary Friesen, in his book Decision Making and the Will of God, divides decisions into moral and non-moral. The non-moral - those not directly informed by God's commands and precepts - are those that He leaves to us, so long as we break no moral laws in doing so.
Is it that I am uncomfortable with this level of responsibility - or possibility? Am I looking to have God as my "escape hatch", my ability to say "I didn't really do that myself - it was God"?
How do I merge God's omnipotence and control of every aspect of the universe with my responsibility to choose (and yes, I know wiser minds than I have dealt with such - and failed)?
How, I really suppose, does one grow up and not continue to list the same things in one's goal list and "should do" list year after year?
There is a sense in which I often struggle with making a decision - not just the fact that I often feel that I have made bad ones (which can be debated, I suppose, at a later date), but that I worry that I am making the right one - the one God want me to make.
Which is somewhat remarkable of itself, because if left unchecked that essentially become soothsaying - looking for signs in the stars, flights of birds, and sheep's livers for an indication of action to take.
Gary Friesen, in his book Decision Making and the Will of God, divides decisions into moral and non-moral. The non-moral - those not directly informed by God's commands and precepts - are those that He leaves to us, so long as we break no moral laws in doing so.
Is it that I am uncomfortable with this level of responsibility - or possibility? Am I looking to have God as my "escape hatch", my ability to say "I didn't really do that myself - it was God"?
How do I merge God's omnipotence and control of every aspect of the universe with my responsibility to choose (and yes, I know wiser minds than I have dealt with such - and failed)?
How, I really suppose, does one grow up and not continue to list the same things in one's goal list and "should do" list year after year?
Old Planners
Tonight, as part of my goal to incorporate some forward thinking and planning into my life this year - thinking time - I was going to work on long term goals. As I did, I thought I had done something like this before, so I reached over to pull out some of my old "Daily Planners".
My planners are not typical Daytimers. They are usually accounting books, which I have subdivided into various weekly and daily lists, mission statements, goals, quotes, and sundry materials. I have gone to smaller ones, I guess out of expense or wasted pages (I've yet to fill one up).
Methinks I'm going back to the larger books next year. In looking through my older ones (2003, 2004) a wealth of things jumped out at me, most which I had forgotten: copies of my checks from real estate, life planning emails, the quotes, e-mails from work or friends that were inspiring.
Oddly enough, most of the goals are the same as they are today (Lesson: I'm writing them down, but not really acting on them).
But I see the wisdom in keeping and referring to them. They show where you've been, they show what you've accomplished, and they show what you still need to do.
And make sure that they are physical (no electronics, please!). It destroys the ability and joy of going back and remembering.
My planners are not typical Daytimers. They are usually accounting books, which I have subdivided into various weekly and daily lists, mission statements, goals, quotes, and sundry materials. I have gone to smaller ones, I guess out of expense or wasted pages (I've yet to fill one up).
Methinks I'm going back to the larger books next year. In looking through my older ones (2003, 2004) a wealth of things jumped out at me, most which I had forgotten: copies of my checks from real estate, life planning emails, the quotes, e-mails from work or friends that were inspiring.
Oddly enough, most of the goals are the same as they are today (Lesson: I'm writing them down, but not really acting on them).
But I see the wisdom in keeping and referring to them. They show where you've been, they show what you've accomplished, and they show what you still need to do.
And make sure that they are physical (no electronics, please!). It destroys the ability and joy of going back and remembering.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Life Change
So I'm in the process of considering a life change - something drastic, something I've done before. And I'm finding I'm not all that enthused about the opportunity.
Enthused, I suppose, in the sense that although I want a change, both the thought of arranging to make the change as well as the change itself are almost burdensome to me. Which means one of two things: 1) I'm lazy, or 2) I'm not really interested in the change.
Part of it, I suppose, is that I have made changes like this in the past, and I know what the outcome is: yes, you reap some different benefits of the change, but in reality, in 6 months things will be largely as they were before.
Part of it too is that I have had a habit of changing almost randomly, which usually works out for the best - but at some point, you have to stay in things for the long haul. One can't change anything every few years - churches, relationships, houses, jobs - without it eventually creating a sense of disconnectedness with the thing in question.
My father lived in the same house for 30 plus years, had the same job for 32, and is still married to my mother (40+, of which we are all quite happy). I know he didn't always enjoy the job, and I'm sure wanted a bigger house from time to time - but that certainly gave me a sense of belonging somewhere. It also, as I look at it now, should serve as an inspiration to be diligent and focused in my career - again, I'm sure there are many days my father did not want to get up and go do the same thing over again, and again, but he did. Now, he reaps the rewards of it.
Change is not always what it was cracked up to be...
Enthused, I suppose, in the sense that although I want a change, both the thought of arranging to make the change as well as the change itself are almost burdensome to me. Which means one of two things: 1) I'm lazy, or 2) I'm not really interested in the change.
Part of it, I suppose, is that I have made changes like this in the past, and I know what the outcome is: yes, you reap some different benefits of the change, but in reality, in 6 months things will be largely as they were before.
Part of it too is that I have had a habit of changing almost randomly, which usually works out for the best - but at some point, you have to stay in things for the long haul. One can't change anything every few years - churches, relationships, houses, jobs - without it eventually creating a sense of disconnectedness with the thing in question.
My father lived in the same house for 30 plus years, had the same job for 32, and is still married to my mother (40+, of which we are all quite happy). I know he didn't always enjoy the job, and I'm sure wanted a bigger house from time to time - but that certainly gave me a sense of belonging somewhere. It also, as I look at it now, should serve as an inspiration to be diligent and focused in my career - again, I'm sure there are many days my father did not want to get up and go do the same thing over again, and again, but he did. Now, he reaps the rewards of it.
Change is not always what it was cracked up to be...
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Cornucopia
- Here's a thought: I wrote 569 words tonight for a book draft. The Nebula Award of the Science Fiction Writer's Association considers a novel to consist of 40,000 + words. If you divide that by an average of 500 words a day, that's only 80 days to writing enough for a novel!
...and, that doesn't include the 2200 words I wrote for a back story since Sunday...
- The bees will be coming. How do I know?: The bill went in and we were charged. I am hopeful within the next month to go see our current hive, to (hopefully) ensure that they are still alive.
- Last week, I worked two days, got sick two days with the flu, and then had car troubles the last day (so I didn't make it into work). I had really been trying to change what I did and how I did it, to make a new start this year. I felt really discouraged - physically and emotionally. Then today, I wondered: is it an indicator I was really doing too much, or was it an immediate challenge to test my commitment.
- Finally, keep Bogha Frois in your thoughts and prayers. She has to write her application for an advanced study program, and she's having a bit of difficulty (and I'm sure she'll appreciate all of you keeping her honest...).
...and, that doesn't include the 2200 words I wrote for a back story since Sunday...
- The bees will be coming. How do I know?: The bill went in and we were charged. I am hopeful within the next month to go see our current hive, to (hopefully) ensure that they are still alive.
- Last week, I worked two days, got sick two days with the flu, and then had car troubles the last day (so I didn't make it into work). I had really been trying to change what I did and how I did it, to make a new start this year. I felt really discouraged - physically and emotionally. Then today, I wondered: is it an indicator I was really doing too much, or was it an immediate challenge to test my commitment.
- Finally, keep Bogha Frois in your thoughts and prayers. She has to write her application for an advanced study program, and she's having a bit of difficulty (and I'm sure she'll appreciate all of you keeping her honest...).
Friday, January 04, 2008
Focusing
So I think I've finally figured out what I want to do with my life. Which is kind of scary - because it represents making a decision, committing to a end, ignoring other decisions, even (gasp) publically discussing what your decision is.
It may even mean having some self confidence in myself.
What kind of brought me to this decision making process is the realization that I have been doing what I am doing, literally the very same thing at different companies, for 6.5 years. Simply put, I'm tired of it. And just switching companies will not change it. I need to switch careers.
At the risk of opening myself up to scads of criticism, I want to be an author. I want to be a successful author. I want to support myself from writing.
Can I write? Yes. Can I write a novel or non-fiction book? I need a lot more training on how to write (which is a subagenda in itself, dealing with pride and the willingness to learn and open myself up to criticism).
I cannot stomach the idea of spending the next 10-20 years doing what I do not care for or love (especially the document processing - I hate document processing!).
So the choice is made. Now to execute.
It may even mean having some self confidence in myself.
What kind of brought me to this decision making process is the realization that I have been doing what I am doing, literally the very same thing at different companies, for 6.5 years. Simply put, I'm tired of it. And just switching companies will not change it. I need to switch careers.
At the risk of opening myself up to scads of criticism, I want to be an author. I want to be a successful author. I want to support myself from writing.
Can I write? Yes. Can I write a novel or non-fiction book? I need a lot more training on how to write (which is a subagenda in itself, dealing with pride and the willingness to learn and open myself up to criticism).
I cannot stomach the idea of spending the next 10-20 years doing what I do not care for or love (especially the document processing - I hate document processing!).
So the choice is made. Now to execute.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Gardening and Life
I had an epiphany today - one of those things that just happens, and then you realize the significance of it.
I was out in back, trying to be proactive in doing some work on New Year's Day prior to the rains hitting this Thursday. One of the things I did was prune back a Lavandula stoechas (Spanish Lavender) that has overgrown the retaining wall. I have no experience pruning, and have always been afraid of doing it for the fear of doing it wrong or killing the plant. But, it really was overgrown, so in I started.
And it hit me, as I was going through the first cuts, that I had done this before on the Lavandula dentata next to it. I was forced to last spring - it had died back, so I had to prune it back hard. Now, as I look at is, it has come up as I need it to, inside the retaining wall.
This is what it is to prune: to cut, seeing in your mind the end result even as you trim away the reality right now. Gardeners and garden designers who are truly successful do this all the time; the rest of us just stumble along.
Like gardening, so life. It seems especially appropriate to me that this discovery was made today, the day for traditionally setting goals. Those who are truly successful in their goal setting see the result as already existing, and then do the tasks necessary to grow into that space.
It's pruning with a purpose, see the end plant from the tangle in front of you.
So my challenge to myself is see what it is I want to be, and start the pruning and shaping process to get there.
I was out in back, trying to be proactive in doing some work on New Year's Day prior to the rains hitting this Thursday. One of the things I did was prune back a Lavandula stoechas (Spanish Lavender) that has overgrown the retaining wall. I have no experience pruning, and have always been afraid of doing it for the fear of doing it wrong or killing the plant. But, it really was overgrown, so in I started.
And it hit me, as I was going through the first cuts, that I had done this before on the Lavandula dentata next to it. I was forced to last spring - it had died back, so I had to prune it back hard. Now, as I look at is, it has come up as I need it to, inside the retaining wall.
This is what it is to prune: to cut, seeing in your mind the end result even as you trim away the reality right now. Gardeners and garden designers who are truly successful do this all the time; the rest of us just stumble along.
Like gardening, so life. It seems especially appropriate to me that this discovery was made today, the day for traditionally setting goals. Those who are truly successful in their goal setting see the result as already existing, and then do the tasks necessary to grow into that space.
It's pruning with a purpose, see the end plant from the tangle in front of you.
So my challenge to myself is see what it is I want to be, and start the pruning and shaping process to get there.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Christmas and Christ
How can I make Christmas focus more on Christ?
Every year it seems the same: I have good intentions of this year being the one that I will focus on Christ in Christmas. And every year it's the same: the mad rush at the end of the month for shopping, the stress of bills after the holiday, the acceleration and speeding by of work - and the suddenly it's here.
Lord, how do I make this last week at least focus on You and the birth of Your son?
1) Put off TV - This is an easy one. I've no need for TV, even to fill the time as background noise (this holds throughout the year as well).
2) Music - Music affects me, so I need to fill my ears with music of the season - as much as possible.
3) The Christmas Story - Read it to the girls every night. Read it to myself every night.
4) Focus on Christ - Do I focus on what the arrival of Christ means? Do I truly consider "God Made Flesh", "Emmanuel - God with us", and and I overwhelmed at the Hope of the Ages?
Every year it seems the same: I have good intentions of this year being the one that I will focus on Christ in Christmas. And every year it's the same: the mad rush at the end of the month for shopping, the stress of bills after the holiday, the acceleration and speeding by of work - and the suddenly it's here.
Lord, how do I make this last week at least focus on You and the birth of Your son?
1) Put off TV - This is an easy one. I've no need for TV, even to fill the time as background noise (this holds throughout the year as well).
2) Music - Music affects me, so I need to fill my ears with music of the season - as much as possible.
3) The Christmas Story - Read it to the girls every night. Read it to myself every night.
4) Focus on Christ - Do I focus on what the arrival of Christ means? Do I truly consider "God Made Flesh", "Emmanuel - God with us", and and I overwhelmed at the Hope of the Ages?
Monday, December 17, 2007
Happy 5th Anniversary
A special Happy Fifth Anniversary today to Faith Community Church. It's a day to celebrate five years of coming together with a body of like minded believers to worship God under biblical committed teaching.
It has been said by individuals far smarter than I that the church represents heaven in and of the fact that it is a collection of individuals of different backgrounds, ages, races, interests, and types, all saved by the grace of God. An interesting thought in the abstract - the fact that it is true is all the more amazing. As I reflect on the individuals I've known and formed relationships with at Faith, I am forced to admit that it is a collage of folks I would not have otherwise ever met.
Also, as I think about it, it is the longest period of time that I as an adult have attended a church. I certainly went as a child (St. Luke's Episcopal Church and then Bethlehem Lutheran Church), and recommitted after I married (again, Bethlehem Lutheran Church), but only really made my own independent decision after we moved to Campbell. I have been blessed in my pastoral leaderships - in the first case, a gentle man committed to truth, and the second, another gentle man who is committed to truth (he's been my pastor for seven years now). God has guided me, as in both cases they were the first church we attended out of the blue when we relocated.
It has been an adventure, being involved in a church from the ground up - in many ways like starting a business: making sure you stay committed to your mission statement; working through building ministries (departments in business); developing leadership; making missteps in personnel, programs and facilities; watching people come and go as they move on to other challenges. But added is the aspect of God: watching the church grow in commitment and faith; seeing the teaching grow in depth and understanding; and even watching yourself grow and change as you seek to become more Christlike.
So Happy Fifth Anniversary, Faith Community Church! May you continue practice here what all the redeemed will practice in eternity: a commitment to truth, a commitment to worship, a commitment to glorifying God!
It has been said by individuals far smarter than I that the church represents heaven in and of the fact that it is a collection of individuals of different backgrounds, ages, races, interests, and types, all saved by the grace of God. An interesting thought in the abstract - the fact that it is true is all the more amazing. As I reflect on the individuals I've known and formed relationships with at Faith, I am forced to admit that it is a collage of folks I would not have otherwise ever met.
Also, as I think about it, it is the longest period of time that I as an adult have attended a church. I certainly went as a child (St. Luke's Episcopal Church and then Bethlehem Lutheran Church), and recommitted after I married (again, Bethlehem Lutheran Church), but only really made my own independent decision after we moved to Campbell. I have been blessed in my pastoral leaderships - in the first case, a gentle man committed to truth, and the second, another gentle man who is committed to truth (he's been my pastor for seven years now). God has guided me, as in both cases they were the first church we attended out of the blue when we relocated.
It has been an adventure, being involved in a church from the ground up - in many ways like starting a business: making sure you stay committed to your mission statement; working through building ministries (departments in business); developing leadership; making missteps in personnel, programs and facilities; watching people come and go as they move on to other challenges. But added is the aspect of God: watching the church grow in commitment and faith; seeing the teaching grow in depth and understanding; and even watching yourself grow and change as you seek to become more Christlike.
So Happy Fifth Anniversary, Faith Community Church! May you continue practice here what all the redeemed will practice in eternity: a commitment to truth, a commitment to worship, a commitment to glorifying God!
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Old Friends
I had a phone conversation with Uisdean Ruadh tonight. Conversations with old friends are the best - partially because they are seemingly so rare in our daily range of personnel interactions. They are the sort where you can just launch into a subject, and seemingly there has been no time between the last time you talked about the item in question, you just pick up where you left off.
We talked about things of concern to both of us: the job situation in both of our industries, the precipitous drop in housing, news of this and that in his life. 45 minutes runs by as if no time at all had gone.
I am blessed that I have a number of these I have semi-regular conversations with - Bogha Frois, Uisdean Ruadh, Cleasiche Fionnadh, Otis , and of course, the Ravishing Mrs. TB. Like a fine wine or good cheese, they only get better with age.
Or to say it another way, friends over time have their tannins mellow and their flavours sharpen...
We talked about things of concern to both of us: the job situation in both of our industries, the precipitous drop in housing, news of this and that in his life. 45 minutes runs by as if no time at all had gone.
I am blessed that I have a number of these I have semi-regular conversations with - Bogha Frois, Uisdean Ruadh, Cleasiche Fionnadh, Otis , and of course, the Ravishing Mrs. TB. Like a fine wine or good cheese, they only get better with age.
Or to say it another way, friends over time have their tannins mellow and their flavours sharpen...
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Carrying Notes
The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself watched Invincible last night, the Disney movie based on Vince Papali, the 30 year old who in 1977, with no real experience, tried out for and played for the Philadelphia Eagles. Actually a fairly enjoyable movie - little foul language, no nudity, and the soundtrack alone (mid 70's) is worth listening to.
In part of the movie, Papali (played by Mark Wahlberg) looks at a note that his ex-wife left him when she left the marriage (shown in the beginning of the movie). It says something to the effect of "You're a loser, you'll never make any money, you'll never amount to anything". It is implied that he looks at this list frequently, perhaps every day. It is only after he destroys list after a humiliating loss to the Dallas Cowboys, just before he goes into the next game with the New York Giatns, that he meets with his success.
The point that this spawned for me in the morning as I was driving to work is what lists do I carry around. Most of us, I propose, carry around within us lists that have been given to us by others telling us that we are failure, bad, can't do certain things, etc. These are lists that we willingly carry ourselves, sometimes years after the relationship has been terminated - perhaps the people involved are even dead.
The problem, it seems to me, is that unlike the movie, our lists are more often than not are not something we can hold in our hands - they are ingrained deep within us, perhaps buried beneath most of our daily conscious thought. It may be (in fact, for me it is) that the incident that caused the list, the person who gave it to us, is long forgotten.
But the list remains. And we hand carry them with us every.
The apostle Paul wrote in Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may proved what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Part of that renewal is finding out and tearing up the lists.
Can every one do all things? No. Are some things that people say true? Yes. But we are capable of far more than we think, and people will use words as weapons and cloak them as "constructive criticism". It is our job to sort through these, pull out the truth and apply it where possible, and use our given abilities to glorify God to the best.
And that includes tearing up the list.
So go ahead. How long will you carry yours?
In part of the movie, Papali (played by Mark Wahlberg) looks at a note that his ex-wife left him when she left the marriage (shown in the beginning of the movie). It says something to the effect of "You're a loser, you'll never make any money, you'll never amount to anything". It is implied that he looks at this list frequently, perhaps every day. It is only after he destroys list after a humiliating loss to the Dallas Cowboys, just before he goes into the next game with the New York Giatns, that he meets with his success.
The point that this spawned for me in the morning as I was driving to work is what lists do I carry around. Most of us, I propose, carry around within us lists that have been given to us by others telling us that we are failure, bad, can't do certain things, etc. These are lists that we willingly carry ourselves, sometimes years after the relationship has been terminated - perhaps the people involved are even dead.
The problem, it seems to me, is that unlike the movie, our lists are more often than not are not something we can hold in our hands - they are ingrained deep within us, perhaps buried beneath most of our daily conscious thought. It may be (in fact, for me it is) that the incident that caused the list, the person who gave it to us, is long forgotten.
But the list remains. And we hand carry them with us every.
The apostle Paul wrote in Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may proved what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Part of that renewal is finding out and tearing up the lists.
Can every one do all things? No. Are some things that people say true? Yes. But we are capable of far more than we think, and people will use words as weapons and cloak them as "constructive criticism". It is our job to sort through these, pull out the truth and apply it where possible, and use our given abilities to glorify God to the best.
And that includes tearing up the list.
So go ahead. How long will you carry yours?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Crime and Punishment
I completed reading Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky last night. It is a book that I cannot recommend highly enough. The writing is excellent, the characters are well developed, the conflict the main character - Raskolnikov, although phrased in a way not immediately obvious, is one which the 20th Century and 21st Century had to grapple with, to the cost of more than 100 million dead.
What's the conflict? I won't tell - you've got to read.
I'll warn in advance, while the reading is quick, it is not necessarily easy. Something that always impresses me when I read classics is how much we have fallen in general by comparison. The man is a master with words, able to paint word pictures that vividly bring to life 19th Century St. Petersburg and the people that dwell within.
It is also a story of redemption - Christian redemption (mirroring that of Dostoevsky's life, which was itself remarkable). The redemption happens only when Rakolnikov is brought to the end of himself - just the way it works in real life.
I've been thinking of formalizing my reading list for next year. I think for classics, I'll finish Dostoevsky and then maybe move on to Tolstoy. Powerful writers
What's the conflict? I won't tell - you've got to read.
I'll warn in advance, while the reading is quick, it is not necessarily easy. Something that always impresses me when I read classics is how much we have fallen in general by comparison. The man is a master with words, able to paint word pictures that vividly bring to life 19th Century St. Petersburg and the people that dwell within.
It is also a story of redemption - Christian redemption (mirroring that of Dostoevsky's life, which was itself remarkable). The redemption happens only when Rakolnikov is brought to the end of himself - just the way it works in real life.
I've been thinking of formalizing my reading list for next year. I think for classics, I'll finish Dostoevsky and then maybe move on to Tolstoy. Powerful writers
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
The Bees are Coming!
It's official - three 3 lb sets of bees with New World Carniolan's are set be picked up on 19 April 2007.
I'm excited. I really am. I'm ready to see if I can actually get the hives up and going. My goal (to the extent that I can control it is to end the season with four hives, the same that I start it out with.
Yay Bees!
For information on where I got the bees (and they really are swell people) go to the Olivarez Bees Website.
Here is the brief information on the Carniolan Honey bee (from Wikipedia):
Apis mellifera carnica, classified by Pollmann, 1879 - Carniola region of Slovenia, the southern part of the Austrian Alps, and northern Balkans - better known as the Carniolan honey bee - popular with beekeepers due to its extreme gentleness. The Carniolan tends to be quite dark in color, and the colonies are known to shrink to small populations over winter, and build very quickly in spring. It is a mountain bee in its native range, and is a good bee for colder climates.
For the full (and very fascinating) information packet on honeybees, go here.
I'm excited. I really am. I'm ready to see if I can actually get the hives up and going. My goal (to the extent that I can control it is to end the season with four hives, the same that I start it out with.
Yay Bees!
For information on where I got the bees (and they really are swell people) go to the Olivarez Bees Website.
Here is the brief information on the Carniolan Honey bee (from Wikipedia):
Apis mellifera carnica, classified by Pollmann, 1879 - Carniola region of Slovenia, the southern part of the Austrian Alps, and northern Balkans - better known as the Carniolan honey bee - popular with beekeepers due to its extreme gentleness. The Carniolan tends to be quite dark in color, and the colonies are known to shrink to small populations over winter, and build very quickly in spring. It is a mountain bee in its native range, and is a good bee for colder climates.
For the full (and very fascinating) information packet on honeybees, go here.
Planning for the New Year
It's never too early to plan for the new year, to set the course of one's sails in advance of its arrival. As always, this has not been the year I intended it to be - but it has been a year of hopefully substantial changes, especially in the latter half.
Why? A few reasons, I think:
1) I think I have finally started to put the failure of The Firm behind me. The final financial damages have worked themselves out, and I am far enough removed from the personalities and the events to look at them.
2) A book - provided by Bogha Frois called Conative Connection: Acting on Instinct which has provoked my thinking. In short, the book looks at how you do things, and suggests finding those goals - or even parts of the job you are currently doing - that lead to your strengths. It has been one of those books that make you say "Okay, there is a way to harness what I do". (Full disclosure: While I liked many of the ideas of the book, the author heavily markets her profiling test, developed by her, and quotes a great deal from successes of nameless big clients. Also, more into self actualization than is probably prudent. Still, a helpful book to start thinking.)
3) Conversations - Long conversations with friends and loved ones, including The Ravishing Mrs. TB, Bogha Frois, Cleasiche fionnadh, Aosdean Ruadh, Otis (go Here for his blog) and others. Probably more conversations about life which did not revolving purely around The Firm than I have had in the last five years. Conversations with the time to reason through, the space to be silent, and the willingness (is it age? or wisdom) to be honest with others and ones'self.
4) God - This has been a harder one to pin down, more my failure than His. Part of this, I think, has been His stripping away of those things I valued to pare me down to the core of being willing to obey - and even then, I still struggle. Patience, and wisdom, for example. But He is gracious, even as I am obstinate.
5) Writing - Both this blog, journaling, and working through publishing my written work as a serial. Certainly I love writing. Writing stuff down for me has a power, even if I am not always conscious of it at the time. It structures my thoughts, it makes me think, and it helps me express that which I cannot always express in words.
So now, to plan ahead...
Why? A few reasons, I think:
1) I think I have finally started to put the failure of The Firm behind me. The final financial damages have worked themselves out, and I am far enough removed from the personalities and the events to look at them.
2) A book - provided by Bogha Frois called Conative Connection: Acting on Instinct which has provoked my thinking. In short, the book looks at how you do things, and suggests finding those goals - or even parts of the job you are currently doing - that lead to your strengths. It has been one of those books that make you say "Okay, there is a way to harness what I do". (Full disclosure: While I liked many of the ideas of the book, the author heavily markets her profiling test, developed by her, and quotes a great deal from successes of nameless big clients. Also, more into self actualization than is probably prudent. Still, a helpful book to start thinking.)
3) Conversations - Long conversations with friends and loved ones, including The Ravishing Mrs. TB, Bogha Frois, Cleasiche fionnadh, Aosdean Ruadh, Otis (go Here for his blog) and others. Probably more conversations about life which did not revolving purely around The Firm than I have had in the last five years. Conversations with the time to reason through, the space to be silent, and the willingness (is it age? or wisdom) to be honest with others and ones'self.
4) God - This has been a harder one to pin down, more my failure than His. Part of this, I think, has been His stripping away of those things I valued to pare me down to the core of being willing to obey - and even then, I still struggle. Patience, and wisdom, for example. But He is gracious, even as I am obstinate.
5) Writing - Both this blog, journaling, and working through publishing my written work as a serial. Certainly I love writing. Writing stuff down for me has a power, even if I am not always conscious of it at the time. It structures my thoughts, it makes me think, and it helps me express that which I cannot always express in words.
So now, to plan ahead...
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Action and reaction
Today, a total random incident which provoked a serious thought: In the course of my normal work environment interaction, I responded to a coworker with what is often my satirical dry wit at my place of employment. Her reaction was less enthusiastic. Then, later in the day, I reacted in a calm, pleasant, positive manner, and got a distinctly different reaction.
This led to another thought: how am I interacting with everyone around me? How am I interacting with the Ravishing Mrs. TB? Is it as an adult, or do I still act and react according to a behaviour or maturity level that used to work for me, and I still believe it does?
The question is not an idle one. If much of an individual's response to me is how I present myself to them, and I am presenting myself to them in a way that gets the responses that I have always gotten, and therefore associate with "Okay", is it real or am I just continuing to play music off an 8 Track in an MP3 world and thinking the sound quality is great?
In speaking with Bogha frois about this issue tonight, I hypothesized that it was a question of behaviour and maturity, that one could change one's maturity and have a modified for of behavior, or not change behaviour and maturity. Bogha frois disagreed, presenting a couple of example where if the maturity level did not change, the behavior did not change, but instead got transmuted into age appropriate situations - boys who love toy cars have real, large, expensive toy cars; girls who loved to gossip about others in their social circle of friends becoming women (homemakers or professionals) who loved to gossip about others.
I think the jury is still out for me on this, as I can see both sides: there are forms of behavior I have changed as my situation has changed and I have matured, but are still recognizable echoes of myself (but are they good), and there are behaviors that have stuck with me all these years, as they have transformed with my life and situations (oddly enough, mostly bad habits).
If I interact with the Ravishing Mrs. TB as I interacted with her as a girlfriend and newlywed, I am not likely to get the same response as if I examined my level of maturity and changed my behavior to act accordingly. One example is that while I think that the help that I give around the house is a demonstration of my love, or being "hopelessly romantic" in hopes of getting my way, a more practical method might be to do the things that it is evident need to be done, but that she has not been able to do - the things I selfishly don't like to do, like paint, or trim bushes, or put laundry away. This represents a maturity level - moving out of my self-centeredness - and resulting in a change in my behaviour.
I'll continue to think about it. Odd how a single incident can prompt such a string of thoughts.
This led to another thought: how am I interacting with everyone around me? How am I interacting with the Ravishing Mrs. TB? Is it as an adult, or do I still act and react according to a behaviour or maturity level that used to work for me, and I still believe it does?
The question is not an idle one. If much of an individual's response to me is how I present myself to them, and I am presenting myself to them in a way that gets the responses that I have always gotten, and therefore associate with "Okay", is it real or am I just continuing to play music off an 8 Track in an MP3 world and thinking the sound quality is great?
In speaking with Bogha frois about this issue tonight, I hypothesized that it was a question of behaviour and maturity, that one could change one's maturity and have a modified for of behavior, or not change behaviour and maturity. Bogha frois disagreed, presenting a couple of example where if the maturity level did not change, the behavior did not change, but instead got transmuted into age appropriate situations - boys who love toy cars have real, large, expensive toy cars; girls who loved to gossip about others in their social circle of friends becoming women (homemakers or professionals) who loved to gossip about others.
I think the jury is still out for me on this, as I can see both sides: there are forms of behavior I have changed as my situation has changed and I have matured, but are still recognizable echoes of myself (but are they good), and there are behaviors that have stuck with me all these years, as they have transformed with my life and situations (oddly enough, mostly bad habits).
If I interact with the Ravishing Mrs. TB as I interacted with her as a girlfriend and newlywed, I am not likely to get the same response as if I examined my level of maturity and changed my behavior to act accordingly. One example is that while I think that the help that I give around the house is a demonstration of my love, or being "hopelessly romantic" in hopes of getting my way, a more practical method might be to do the things that it is evident need to be done, but that she has not been able to do - the things I selfishly don't like to do, like paint, or trim bushes, or put laundry away. This represents a maturity level - moving out of my self-centeredness - and resulting in a change in my behaviour.
I'll continue to think about it. Odd how a single incident can prompt such a string of thoughts.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Quiet Space
An evening where I felt quiet. Not for any reason that I can divine - often times these are brought on by depression or sadness, but neither of these things am I consciously aware of.
But you come home and you have quiet space - not feeling the need to communicate, not feeling the need to participate, just feeling the need to be solitary inside - "as an oyster", as Dickens said of Scrooge.
Perhaps it is an unconscious thing, a realization underneath that something has occurred which is great import, but is not recognized as such by your mind (if it happened today, I've no idea what it was). Oftentimes my own mind will run off on tangents, places I have no idea where it is going, because it sees a thought or connection it needs to complete to make sense.
I'm not sure - all I know is that tonight, there is quiet space within me, that vaguely ominous feeling that something occurred and I missed it.
And, unfortunately, the silence doesn't speak of its own accord....
But you come home and you have quiet space - not feeling the need to communicate, not feeling the need to participate, just feeling the need to be solitary inside - "as an oyster", as Dickens said of Scrooge.
Perhaps it is an unconscious thing, a realization underneath that something has occurred which is great import, but is not recognized as such by your mind (if it happened today, I've no idea what it was). Oftentimes my own mind will run off on tangents, places I have no idea where it is going, because it sees a thought or connection it needs to complete to make sense.
I'm not sure - all I know is that tonight, there is quiet space within me, that vaguely ominous feeling that something occurred and I missed it.
And, unfortunately, the silence doesn't speak of its own accord....
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Da Derga
I was going to write about something today, but now I'll write about something else.
It will surprise those who know me over the last 5-10 years that prior to then, I had a very different life. Some of it you know, in part: college professor, teacher, retail worker extraodinaire, water and coffee exporter, dreamer. The part you probably don't know is that at one time, I had a musical career.
Da Derga, the fabulous harp/vocal/bodhran group of Toirdhealbheach Beucail and Cleasiche fionnadh, which existed form 1994 -1995. We did music from all six of the Celtic Countries (Yes, as a side note, I play the harp - but not as well as I used to, probably part of the problem). We did shows, we sang in both English and in Celtic tongues (Toirdhealbheach Beucail is actually Old Gaelic for "Booming, Thundering, Roaring X" [X, of course, being my real name], in the sense of a roaring or booming cannon, which if you know me, know this is true: I'm loud!). I played the harp, and Cleasiche fionnadh sang and played the bodhran.
Why do I puzzle this now? Because it was something I loved to do. I practiced every day, I walked around muttering obscure languages, I actually got paid for playing!
Why do I write this? Because we made a decision at some point: tour or stop. Essentially, I entered the work force, moved to the South Bay, and got "A real job". Do I regret this? No, in many ways - that job, and the jobs that have resulted from it, have enabled me to travel, to support myself and my family, and given me greater income opportunities that I would have otherwise believed.
But still there is a part of me, the lyrical, musical, fantasy part, that was turned away that day - and is powerful. How do I connect that part with the reality of today?
It will surprise those who know me over the last 5-10 years that prior to then, I had a very different life. Some of it you know, in part: college professor, teacher, retail worker extraodinaire, water and coffee exporter, dreamer. The part you probably don't know is that at one time, I had a musical career.
Da Derga, the fabulous harp/vocal/bodhran group of Toirdhealbheach Beucail and Cleasiche fionnadh, which existed form 1994 -1995. We did music from all six of the Celtic Countries (Yes, as a side note, I play the harp - but not as well as I used to, probably part of the problem). We did shows, we sang in both English and in Celtic tongues (Toirdhealbheach Beucail is actually Old Gaelic for "Booming, Thundering, Roaring X" [X, of course, being my real name], in the sense of a roaring or booming cannon, which if you know me, know this is true: I'm loud!). I played the harp, and Cleasiche fionnadh sang and played the bodhran.
Why do I puzzle this now? Because it was something I loved to do. I practiced every day, I walked around muttering obscure languages, I actually got paid for playing!
Why do I write this? Because we made a decision at some point: tour or stop. Essentially, I entered the work force, moved to the South Bay, and got "A real job". Do I regret this? No, in many ways - that job, and the jobs that have resulted from it, have enabled me to travel, to support myself and my family, and given me greater income opportunities that I would have otherwise believed.
But still there is a part of me, the lyrical, musical, fantasy part, that was turned away that day - and is powerful. How do I connect that part with the reality of today?
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself went away for the weekend to the South Bay - just us, no kids. It was remarkable - we talked about our lives, and where we wanted to go; we ate meals and didn't fight over eating or sharing crayons - in one event, we just appetizers and dessert for dinner, and lingered over our meal for two hours!; we shopped without chasing kids under the clothing racks.
We even lingered in bookstores.
At which, for the first time in almost a year, I purchased a book from a bookstore- and a book just based on my review of it in the store: The Little Platinum Book of Cha-Ching! by Jeffrey Gitomer.
But all vacations must end. I felt myself tensing up as we got closer to home, and Mrs. TB was doing the same. For myself, it was the dread of work coming towards me.
In reading my new book, one of the author's points is that you have to believe in yourself and your product to sell it. If I am my product, do I believe in myself? Do I present that way?
This prompted me to review my CV, and having seen a lot of CVs lately, I can tell you that mine looked like everyone else's: each job, dates, name of company, followed by the summary description of what I did (which looked like the previous one) in order to build a "history" of experience.
Blah. The darn thing looks blah. I wouldn't hire me - and I'm stuck with me.
Jobs? Not a problem, no matter my own perception and excuses. On a job website for my industry, 8 pages of jobs under a version of what I currently do.
(Start Aside)
On a side note (and worthy of discussion at a later time) is that pessimists tend to be pessimistic (in other news, Sun rises in East. News at 11). People thrive physically, spiritually, and financially in all circumstances, including potentially bad economic ones. Instead of looking at the headlight of the oncoming train and thinking "Hmmm, that looks weird", shouldn't you at least get off the track?
(End Aside)
I have set my sights too low, settled for what I could get without struggle rather than tried to see how far I can reach. There is a brave new world in my industry, and I'm stuck in the 1980's - because I choose to remain there.
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Because who knows what's on the other side.
We even lingered in bookstores.
At which, for the first time in almost a year, I purchased a book from a bookstore- and a book just based on my review of it in the store: The Little Platinum Book of Cha-Ching! by Jeffrey Gitomer.
But all vacations must end. I felt myself tensing up as we got closer to home, and Mrs. TB was doing the same. For myself, it was the dread of work coming towards me.
In reading my new book, one of the author's points is that you have to believe in yourself and your product to sell it. If I am my product, do I believe in myself? Do I present that way?
This prompted me to review my CV, and having seen a lot of CVs lately, I can tell you that mine looked like everyone else's: each job, dates, name of company, followed by the summary description of what I did (which looked like the previous one) in order to build a "history" of experience.
Blah. The darn thing looks blah. I wouldn't hire me - and I'm stuck with me.
Jobs? Not a problem, no matter my own perception and excuses. On a job website for my industry, 8 pages of jobs under a version of what I currently do.
(Start Aside)
On a side note (and worthy of discussion at a later time) is that pessimists tend to be pessimistic (in other news, Sun rises in East. News at 11). People thrive physically, spiritually, and financially in all circumstances, including potentially bad economic ones. Instead of looking at the headlight of the oncoming train and thinking "Hmmm, that looks weird", shouldn't you at least get off the track?
(End Aside)
I have set my sights too low, settled for what I could get without struggle rather than tried to see how far I can reach. There is a brave new world in my industry, and I'm stuck in the 1980's - because I choose to remain there.
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Because who knows what's on the other side.
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