Valentine's Day Dinner

Today, to celebrate Valentine's Day, my promotion, and Nighean bhan's movement to the final of the speech meet, we went out to dinner to Japanese.

We have not been out in quite a while - certainly nowhere like we used to (not that, in fact, we probably ever really had the money). It was all of us: myself, the Ravishing Mrs. TB, Nighean gheal, Nighean bhan, and Nighean dhonn.

The thing that struck me most was that it was a really pleasant evening. There was no fighting, no complaining. We ordered Agedashi tofu - and all three girls had some and liked it (I was especially surprised by Nighean gheal, as she is not the adventurous food type). They happily ate the teriakyi chicken, tempura shrimp, and rice. No one was too loud - not even Nighean dhonn. I got Agedashi tofu, gyoza, edamame, and sashimi, so I was happy. The ravishing Mrs. TB got good Japanese food, a night away from cooking, and a pleasant meal to boot, so she was happy.

It is these moments that make one hopeful as a parent - the ones which, I find, are the hardest to keep in mind when things are not going well: that all the hard work that goes into raising children right will pay off, that family times can be done with pleasantness and happiness, and that (hopeful) are children are going and growing into everything we hoped they would be.

Seasonings

I'm struck how more and more I notice and enjoy every season. This seems to be a development as I am getting older - for which I am grateful.

As a child, it seems to me the seasons are either good (i.e. sunny and we can play, or snowy and we can play) or not. It's only as one grows and begins to notice things around one that every season begins to really appreciate each of them.

For example, for some time I've noticed that autumn sunlight is different from all other seasonal sunlights. I'm not sure why - there's just a softness in the light, a diffuseness, that seems to hit around mid-September and is gone by mid-October.

Or the occassional breaks - like today, when it was 70 F outside where last week it was bitter cold, with the green grass and black and white cows grazing in the pasture behind work. The sky is a brillant blue - a spring blue, early but there.

Or the bees - February is almond blossom month, and bees are already in the fields. They're buzzing around their hives, but I see no blooms. What are they getting? Or even our bees, brining in their loads of yellow-brown pollen. I see no flowers - but something is blooming.

There is beauty in every season, from the cold and rainy of winter to the hot and stifling of summer. It's all there -it's just that I never saw it before.

Gratefulness

It's amazing to me how positively ungrateful I can be to God.

I am sitting here today at home, as the Ravishing Mrs. TB has been under the weather for a week, not seemingly getting much better. I have a job such that I can call my boss and say "I need to stay at home and take care of my wife" and not have a second thought about, a job where I got promoted recently and have had salary increases and bonuses, a job that at times is enjoyable (except when I want to pluck my eyes out in frustration), a job which, given everything above, allows me to sit here on an late winter day and write at home, knowing that everything is going okay and work AND that I'm still getting paid.

All of this, and then I let a stupid thing drag me down being ungrateful.

Yup. It's the Firm again. Just doing my typical "I'm bored so let's see what's up" search. Turns out it's moved to Sacramento. Dig in a little farther, and turns out the clients we could never close closed on a property - $6.2 Million. $124,000 at 2% comission.

And there goes my gratefulness out the door like a cat making a run for the outside - and getting my tail caught almost all the way through.

What is in me that can't let these things go? What is in me that makes me so ungrateful? I remember the days and nights without pay, the racking nervousness (in one case, we were out in Atlanta with clients, arrived having literally less than $1,000 in the bank, trying to get the escrow officer to fund to our account prior to checking in), the "stay home, don't get paid" scenario.

A failure, you say? Funny, I've been doing an exercise of dealing with my lack of confidence or belief in myself, and one of the items is "Everything I do fails". The remarkable thing is, with only one exception - the Firm - I am hard pressed to think of another failure of note in my life.

No, what bugs me is the not knowing. Let's call it unforgiveness, as that is what it really is. It's the feeling of not understanding why one is no longer spoken to, only that it is so. Pride as well - pride to the extent that I won't make any move (Ironically, it's two years this month since we spoke) - as I was the aggrieved one (in my mind).

So, in the spirit of making things public and dealing with them, I hereby cast aside and disavow all knowledge and concern of the Firm. How it does, is not relevant.

How grateful I am for the graces and gifts in my life, is relevant. To ignore what is in hand for a wisp long gone is as foolish as it is unproductive.

Snow and frogs

In the shade of pines

icy snow sheet lingers on:

Frogs chant their spring joy.

We traveled the Ranch this weekend, the girls and I (once again, the Ravishing Mrs. T.B. was out of town). It had been some time since I had been there, and I wanted to check the bees (see update below).

As we pulled into the turnoff for the Ranch, I noticed a leftover patch of snow from the storm we had last week. I pointed it out to the girls, and they were very excited. As we drove in, we saw other small patched, hiding in the shade or in the low places.

When we reached my parents, to the left, down the hill in the deep shade by the pump, was a long sheet. Great excitement ensued amongst the girls. As they ran in, I was struck by the contrast: a sheet of icy snow on my left, to my right frogs madly croaking out their spring melody in the relatively warm evening. Two things I had never imagined together before my senses.

This morning, the girls wanted to go down to snow, and wanted me to go to. The snow, as you will imagine, was hard and granulated, frozen and refrozen - Nighen dhonn was not even heavy enough to break the crust. However, the recrystalization and the sun literally did cause a thousand diamonds to sparkle wherever I looked. It was magical and wonderful.

Again, later in the day, as I came up from the beehive as they bore their early spring loads of pollen to the hive, the Lower Meadow was filled to the point of loud with the songs of frogs, seeking mates - even as to the left, the girls ran through the snow, a memory of winter, one last time.

God's creation is more mysterious, more beautiful, and more astounding than we can ever imagine.

Bee Update

Today's Bee Report: In a staggering demonstration of God' s nature working as it should, the bees have made it through the winter! I checked them out today, and there was evidence of the winter cluster, lots of bees, honey, and lots of activity! I was loathe to check more deeply for fear that I might disturb what's going on (it's still got the chance to go cold), but everything looks good! Later in the day I checked, and workers were returning with their pollen baskets full. I figure that if we can make it about another month, until spring arrives, we should be in the clear - with the manzanita bloom ahead of us!

Droplets of Heaven

This afternoon, Nighean dhonn came up and sat next to me in the chair as I was writing. She just scooched up as she often does with her baby in arm after I carried her out of her crib. I covered her up with her pink blanket, and there we sat for a few minutes, she leaning against me as I continued to write. I occassionally leaned over and kissed her head, which has remarkably smooth and soft hair.

And then, she was done. She hopped down and went over by the couch and the stereo, where now she is moving the Puppies in my Pocket up and down, lining them up as apparently they play some game, then carrying them over to the table, where they collapse in a heap until she puts them in the castle.

How rare and precious these moments are, when someone we love will just sit with us and be quietly content - and also how rare it is that we as the receipient of such moments recognize what they are when the happen. They are droplets of Heaven, gifts made by the hand of God, a foretaste of what Heaven will be like.

Who am I to deserve such joy?

Time

Item 1: Today we had a phone interview for a position within our department. The interview was scheduled for a half hour; we were 10 minutes late in calling, and by the time the interview was over we it was 30 minutes past the original half hour. The result, after running late from work and sitting in traffic for two hours, was that we decided he was probably was not a keeper.

Item 2: Last night I managed to get everything done on my list. In order to do this, I ended up staying up 45 minutes past the time I need to be in bed, and continued not getting better and being run down - but I got everything I wanted to get done done.

The question is time, or not enough of it. Time, it has been said (and if not, it now is, by me) is the currency of life: it is ours to spend or waste, but it can only be spent once. It is in a limited supply, but we never know how much is in our account. It can be saved, but it cannot be stockpiled to use at a later date. It has a sense of speed or"dropping slowness" which is only partially controlled by us.

One of my realizations in the last 3 years has been how truly little time we have. All the things that I would like to do, that interest me, are wedged between the things that I need to do and accomplish. Yet what I am finding is that my time continues to become squeezed, and I can either start to crush my physical health and mental well being by being constantly sick and tired, or I can continue to pare away to get at the things that are very important.

Some people say manage your time; some people say don't manage it but invest it. Either way, what we are really doing is making choices of how to use our time in the best sense possible for the greatest benefit possible.

This is one reason I probably don't watch scads of TV, whether shows or sports: I can't stand the though of spending 2-3 hours in front of the TV doing nothing, when there is so much I feel that I need to accomplish.

So this weekend, I'll get out the planner, look at what I've done, and make the hard decision of what else won't get done this year, so that the more important things can.

It wrenches my heart to give something up - but it wrenches me more to live the time I have always exhausted, never doing any few things well but many things poorly.

An Old Acquaintance

I'm getting reacquainted with an old acquaintance -Lucius Annaeus Seneca (more commonly known Seneca, 4 B.C. - 65 A.D.). His bio is here. Among other things he wrote (plays), he wrote a series of letters (124 in all) which were seemingly written to an imaginary friend (Lucilius), but which seem to have never been sent to anyone but rather serve as a series of essays on issues related to Stoicism and commentary on life. A series of interesting quotes from what I read today:



"Nothing can be well regulated if it is done at a breakneck speed" - Letter LX

"No-one should feel any pride in anything that is not his own" - Letter XLI

"And how can people be called back to spiritual well-being when no-one is trying to hold them back and the crowd is urging them on?" - Letter XLI

"And there's no state of slavery more disgraceful than one which is self-imposed." - Letter XLVII



And his writing is just full of them. The complaint by his contemporaries was that he failed to live up to the ideals of Stoicism; but the writings alone are food for thought. The joy of reading such a thing (of which, I suppose, this blog is a dim echo) can hardly be imagined.



Go ahead. Pick up a Seneca, a Tacitus, a Polybius, a Plutarch, a Xenophon or Thucydides, and find out both how little mankind has changed and how most "new" ideas have been around a long time.

Parallel Universes

Did you ever have one of those moments where suddenly you realize that you and a loved one - spouse, friend, parent - are living in separate yet parallel universes? You share the same experiences, eat the same food, fold the same laundry, yet beneath the surface you suspect (not sure, of course) that you're looking at things completely differently?

Why is this? Is this a result of a modern life that does it's best to keep us apart from loved ones, so that the time we share together is almost by default and by silent agreement kept on an even keel, if for no other reason we fear to waste it in seemingly fruitless arguments? Or is it less lofty: we just don't think the other person shares our views, so why bother?

I know for myself, I often completely get wrapped up in seeing aspects of the situation that I think exist, pondering them over and over, working out scenarios in my mind - only to have them torn apart by the fact that the other person is seemingly unaware of the same thing (which raises another question: Did the thing ever exist? Or was it just in my mind?)

How does one crack this rind and get to a deeper level of knowing? Conversation alone will not carry the day - one can speak all day and say precisely nothing. Focused communication then, but focused how? Focused on what?

Post Lux, Tenebris

There are always layers of ourselves we never penetrate, dark corners of the soul that we never choose to look at, flaws like crevasses that we choose to cross over on the single file bridge, never looking down for fear of what we will see.

How much of this is by self choice? Are we truly so willing blind to our own failures and wickedness that we will not look? How much will selfish intent cover in the name of doing good to others and ourselves?

"The unexamined life is not worth living" said Socrates. But what if that self examination reveals us for the fools, cowards, and evildoers that we are?

Lent

Lent starts this week - a rather unusual holy season in much of the evangelical church, simply because it really isn't one, at least not in the way that it is observed by the Catholic and many Protestant churces.

Which is a shame, because it seems to me that a prolonged of meditation, denial, and consideration of the sacrifice of Christ is something that so often I hear that we need from evangelical pulpits. It is often abandoned, I suppose, as a rejection of clericalism or churchianity or man-made religion - and often it is only performed as these. Again, it probably doesn't fit into the flow of expository preaching, being more suited for a church calender.

But there is no sense of building up to Easter, to the pinancle of the Salvation story - we just sort of arrive all of a sudden.

I was challenged some years ago in my reading (by whom, I'm now forgotten) that we should not only give up physical things (sugar, alcohol, TV, etc) but mental and spiritual things as well (criticism, gossip, any number of sins).

In years past I've given up the simple, like soda and dessert (not easy, especially as girl scout cookie season and birthdays fall between here and there). This year, along with the physical (we'll try desserts again, limiting it to the two birthdays I know fall between here and there) and spiritual (saying anything negative about anyone - should cover both criticism and gossip), I think I'm going to give up current events.

The Anchoress (a fine writer) turned me on to a version of this idea (taking a break from politics during Lent). I almost never write about politics here, as I've found it seldom does any good and only creates barriers to the truly important realities of life (not saying they don't matter, just not in my writing). Current events is probably more applicable, as I'm a great worrier, and will constantly scan the news, looking for bad news or trying to chart future events.

So, after Tuesday, I'm not going to scan for current events. This will cut out my reviewing of a host of websites, and listening to virtually any radio I listen to for 40 days. For the surfing time, I'll replace it with writing, with Scriptures, and with prayer. For driving, I'll replace it with classical music.

Let's see what happens.

Rainy Day Afternoon

Today is one of those good rainy days, where:

1) I'm not at work;
2) I don't have to drive home;
3) I'm at home;
4) I don't have a great deal to do;

so I can indulge in the luxury of sitting in a chair, drinking a warm beverage, and contemplating.

I'm actually one of those who prefers winter above all other seasons of the year - not so much for the cold, but for the rain (I love to watch the rain, I love the sound of the rain) as well that it makes it much more reasonable to sit down and do things like read or write and not feel I should be out doing something else (let's face it: if it's wet and windy, I can't!).

A great time to plan too, although it's something I probably don't do as much as I should. I have new catalogues from Mann Lakes and from Peaceful Valley (see links at right) for beekeeping and farming that need to be looked at. I already planned my February reading. I could still stand to do some other things: Financial planning, more goals work, writing.

Or, like I probably will do, I'll just sit here and watch the rain.

Cailin a' sgiathe

Cailin a' sgiathe

Sometimes when the sense of desire
Rises like a mighty pyre
Burning golden in the night;

Pushing out all that is real,
Making off as if to steal
That which has been given freely;

Caught between two circumstances,
Engaging in two different dances:
One made of stone and one of ash;

Help me, O Lord to see beyond,
this present as a smallish pond,
and see eternity's might sea;

And bring to rest my wandering soul,
Make me one more time quite whole,
Turn ash to dust, and stone to earth.

"Non vereor ne illam me amare hic potuerit resciscere;
quippe haud etiam quicquam inepte feci"

Whack-a-Goal

God whacked me over the head - again - today.

1) He reminded me "I am going too quickly". Again, something came up at work today where I went too fast, moved too quickly. I think God is reminding me - again - to slow down, do one thing at a time.

2) God also reminded me through this - again - that what He wants and what I want can be two different things.

Where do I get the idea that God has asked me to do all the things that I think he has - or at least put on my list for Him?

Where do I get the idea that He has has called me to other than where He has me right now?

I only have so much time - and I cannot slack on my true responsibilities to whcih He has called me: husband, father, child of God and ambassador of Christ; death to self, denial of self, consecration of self, sanctification of self. These are goals that Scripture calls out - the rest, the things I wrote down, may be, but they're only of secondary importance.

The Gap between Reality and Fantasy

I have been thinking much lately about the gap in my own life between the dream life - call it imaginings - and the reality of what it is. I think everyone probably has some level of this, from the very simple dreaming of a better physcial circumstance to those who have created whole fantasy lives online through online gaming.

There is some inherent element as well to the documented "Peter Pan Syndrome", a general term which covers the fact that it seems that many people have a form of extended adolescence, living in a sort of world where one extends being a teenager by 10, 20, or 30 years.

For myself, I think that the imaginings and the worlds that exist within them are more a reaction to the life that I am in - the very things that I imagine and see are seemingly the very things that I cannot control or feel powerless about in my own life.

The concern is that these things start to become more real than reality itself.

If you were ever a hopeless romantic, you know well of what I speak: the girl whom you liked in high school (you never had a date), who was nice to you once or twice, on which experiences you built this whole construct in your mind about "What would it be like?...", never knowing (or knowingly ignoring) the fact that they 1) Really didn't seem to know you existed; and 2) Were in practice very different from what you had imagined.

And then there came that point - that point always comes - where your imagined relationship hit the rocks of reality, and you ended up floating to shore (again) on the wreckage of your dream, spitting seaweed and sand out of your mouth - yet already seeing the next ship of dreams in your mind.

It happens with relationships, jobs, finances, conversations - almost anything where there comes a gap between what you thought and what you have.

My question is: Are my desires to much, or are they too little? If I am imagining about things that are not in my life, are there elements I can bring in? Is one doomed only to dream, and never to experience?

Pleasing People

I was confronted today by the fact that I am a people pleaser - not in the typical way I think of it, a sort of greasy obsequiousness, but wanting to "go along" and help others - to the point of not doing what I really should be doing.

Why? My excuse in the past has been that I want to meet the needs of my clients/customers/authority figures, and the way to do that was to do my job and run my life in such a way that I would be continually get their approval - be the guy that everyone thought "was useful and helpful and darn funny."

That changed today.

It was pointed out to me in doing something which I thought was innocuous - a document which was being revised, but which in point of fact had been revised some time earlier. This revision had become lost and was now off someone's desk. I, to move it through the system, looked at it, saw it was filled out properly and marked up accordingly, and sent it on. I got read (very gently) the riot act.

So no more.

In my life, I am not as attentive to detail as I should be, being a member of the "good enough" club. That will change.

At work, I always try to find a way to work things so that they work out, a go along-get along sort of philosophy. Again, that changes today. I will review each thing thoroughly in turn. I am trying to be liked by people, instead of doing the job for which I was hired.

I have to fix this. No more stupid mistakes.

Knowing When To Go

There are times that I wish that we were wired like geese and salmon - that when the time to make a change or go somewhere else was upon us, we would just know it.

There is a sense in which I often struggle with making a decision - not just the fact that I often feel that I have made bad ones (which can be debated, I suppose, at a later date), but that I worry that I am making the right one - the one God want me to make.

Which is somewhat remarkable of itself, because if left unchecked that essentially become soothsaying - looking for signs in the stars, flights of birds, and sheep's livers for an indication of action to take.

Gary Friesen, in his book Decision Making and the Will of God, divides decisions into moral and non-moral. The non-moral - those not directly informed by God's commands and precepts - are those that He leaves to us, so long as we break no moral laws in doing so.

Is it that I am uncomfortable with this level of responsibility - or possibility? Am I looking to have God as my "escape hatch", my ability to say "I didn't really do that myself - it was God"?

How do I merge God's omnipotence and control of every aspect of the universe with my responsibility to choose (and yes, I know wiser minds than I have dealt with such - and failed)?

How, I really suppose, does one grow up and not continue to list the same things in one's goal list and "should do" list year after year?

Old Planners

Tonight, as part of my goal to incorporate some forward thinking and planning into my life this year - thinking time - I was going to work on long term goals. As I did, I thought I had done something like this before, so I reached over to pull out some of my old "Daily Planners".

My planners are not typical Daytimers. They are usually accounting books, which I have subdivided into various weekly and daily lists, mission statements, goals, quotes, and sundry materials. I have gone to smaller ones, I guess out of expense or wasted pages (I've yet to fill one up).

Methinks I'm going back to the larger books next year. In looking through my older ones (2003, 2004) a wealth of things jumped out at me, most which I had forgotten: copies of my checks from real estate, life planning emails, the quotes, e-mails from work or friends that were inspiring.

Oddly enough, most of the goals are the same as they are today (Lesson: I'm writing them down, but not really acting on them).

But I see the wisdom in keeping and referring to them. They show where you've been, they show what you've accomplished, and they show what you still need to do.

And make sure that they are physical (no electronics, please!). It destroys the ability and joy of going back and remembering.

Life Change

So I'm in the process of considering a life change - something drastic, something I've done before. And I'm finding I'm not all that enthused about the opportunity.

Enthused, I suppose, in the sense that although I want a change, both the thought of arranging to make the change as well as the change itself are almost burdensome to me. Which means one of two things: 1) I'm lazy, or 2) I'm not really interested in the change.

Part of it, I suppose, is that I have made changes like this in the past, and I know what the outcome is: yes, you reap some different benefits of the change, but in reality, in 6 months things will be largely as they were before.

Part of it too is that I have had a habit of changing almost randomly, which usually works out for the best - but at some point, you have to stay in things for the long haul. One can't change anything every few years - churches, relationships, houses, jobs - without it eventually creating a sense of disconnectedness with the thing in question.

My father lived in the same house for 30 plus years, had the same job for 32, and is still married to my mother (40+, of which we are all quite happy). I know he didn't always enjoy the job, and I'm sure wanted a bigger house from time to time - but that certainly gave me a sense of belonging somewhere. It also, as I look at it now, should serve as an inspiration to be diligent and focused in my career - again, I'm sure there are many days my father did not want to get up and go do the same thing over again, and again, but he did. Now, he reaps the rewards of it.

Change is not always what it was cracked up to be...

Cornucopia

- Here's a thought: I wrote 569 words tonight for a book draft. The Nebula Award of the Science Fiction Writer's Association considers a novel to consist of 40,000 + words. If you divide that by an average of 500 words a day, that's only 80 days to writing enough for a novel!

...and, that doesn't include the 2200 words I wrote for a back story since Sunday...

- The bees will be coming. How do I know?: The bill went in and we were charged. I am hopeful within the next month to go see our current hive, to (hopefully) ensure that they are still alive.

- Last week, I worked two days, got sick two days with the flu, and then had car troubles the last day (so I didn't make it into work). I had really been trying to change what I did and how I did it, to make a new start this year. I felt really discouraged - physically and emotionally. Then today, I wondered: is it an indicator I was really doing too much, or was it an immediate challenge to test my commitment.

- Finally, keep Bogha Frois in your thoughts and prayers. She has to write her application for an advanced study program, and she's having a bit of difficulty (and I'm sure she'll appreciate all of you keeping her honest...).