Otis' post (see below) is continuing to resonate with me - especially in the part about stuffing time with God into the cracks of our lives, rather than making time with Him at least a regular and fixed appointment, if not more regular than that.
Part of what screams at me is from Phil Vischer (see Me Myself and Phil Vischer) where he found himself doing so much for God that He forgot to do things with God. I say this in the context of trying to figure out a way to move forward in my life, do the things I think that I am called to do. I say it in the context of continually coming up against the wall of time: trying to do the things I want to do versus trying to do the things that are important to do.
Example:
Time with Family: Important
Getting enough Sleep: Important
Having a job to support said family: Important
Having some sort of physical exercise program: Important
- which after all is said and done, takes about 22 hours of my day. Out of 24. And then, if I gave God the attention He deserved (boy, is that a silly sentence looking at it), it drops more. But if I don't have that, what does the rest matter?
I always feel like when I think or write this, I'm so far behind the curve. I know so many others that seem to be doing more than I and appear to be balancing things far better than I. I know I can't see into the hearts of others, but Saints and Martyrs, am I just obtuse? Or just perpetually slow and behind the curve?
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
A life instead of a lifestyle
Otis the Mighty has a fine post on Christians embodying their life style. Click below:
Fighting with God
Fighting with God
Change and Courage
I'm having one of those "I think something is going on inside of me" moments.
There are moments, few in my life, where I can consciously say that "yes, I changed. I really changed" and point to a moment in time. More often - even in this case to some extent - there is a feeling of looking back and seeing the trajectory of it: suddenly realizing that "Oh, this is where that idea came from" or "I can see where I started to do X". But the moments where things seem to crystallize almost immediately are rare.
The buildup, I think, is two events: 1) The conference the Ravishing Mrs. TB and I attended last June (link here and here), because it actually made me sit down and think about goals, goals I really wanted to accomplish, and give a time frame; 2) My job change (acceptance here) because (and much as I miss you, Songbird), it forced me outside of my comfort zone (which, I might add, it does every day). I got into the rut of being in a comfortable environment and not challenging myself to grow. Here, I have no choice.
But the change sees to have popped into place this last weekend: partially because of the trip to Tucson, partially because I am using this vocal program which has challenged me to use the voice of the person I am, partially through giving a name and time frame to my writing (and re-establishing that as the thing I want to do), and partially because I am being brought face to face to face with a much younger man whom I used to know: me.
If you had to ask me what is emerging from it, I would have to say courage. Which is an odd thing to emerge from the amalgamate of what I've listed.
Benjamin Franklin had a fine saying "What you seem to be, be really." We trot that around quite a bit - "Be true to thyself, and thou canst not be false to any man" - but we also are equipped (loaded?) with the expectations of others and how they view us, and therefore what we will do to be viewed correctly (ah, the dreaded peer pressure). It then seems like we spend the rest of our life learning to bring out those things that God gave us that we buried away.
I've seen this happen with others. Go read Buttercup (Vintage Chic Blog - it's on the right). I cheat in the sense that I've known her far longer than she has written, but even in her work you can see the parts of her that were buried for various reasons (her ability to write, for example) being fanned into flame - the thing that was always there, and that God has been waiting for her to be courageous about and do.
(And no, before you think it, there are plenty of things that are not good gifts or personality traits that are buried and should not be brought out, but put to death. That's sin. Not everything that is hidden should see the light. Another entry for another day.)
Because that is part of what the world needs to see - they can see plenty of self-actualized people, people following their goals and dreams - but do they see us as Christians having the courage to live out what God has given us and called us to in a God honoring way, who are not self centered in what we do but neither are pouring ourselves into the mold of what the world thinks Christianity could do?
My model again is Buttercup, an intelligent woman who is cheerful, bright, outgoing, tand talented, but is not these things because she self actualized or is choosing a better You, but because she has Christ -and would be happy to tell you about it. How countercultural is that?
I want to grow up and be like her.
There are moments, few in my life, where I can consciously say that "yes, I changed. I really changed" and point to a moment in time. More often - even in this case to some extent - there is a feeling of looking back and seeing the trajectory of it: suddenly realizing that "Oh, this is where that idea came from" or "I can see where I started to do X". But the moments where things seem to crystallize almost immediately are rare.
The buildup, I think, is two events: 1) The conference the Ravishing Mrs. TB and I attended last June (link here and here), because it actually made me sit down and think about goals, goals I really wanted to accomplish, and give a time frame; 2) My job change (acceptance here) because (and much as I miss you, Songbird), it forced me outside of my comfort zone (which, I might add, it does every day). I got into the rut of being in a comfortable environment and not challenging myself to grow. Here, I have no choice.
But the change sees to have popped into place this last weekend: partially because of the trip to Tucson, partially because I am using this vocal program which has challenged me to use the voice of the person I am, partially through giving a name and time frame to my writing (and re-establishing that as the thing I want to do), and partially because I am being brought face to face to face with a much younger man whom I used to know: me.
If you had to ask me what is emerging from it, I would have to say courage. Which is an odd thing to emerge from the amalgamate of what I've listed.
Benjamin Franklin had a fine saying "What you seem to be, be really." We trot that around quite a bit - "Be true to thyself, and thou canst not be false to any man" - but we also are equipped (loaded?) with the expectations of others and how they view us, and therefore what we will do to be viewed correctly (ah, the dreaded peer pressure). It then seems like we spend the rest of our life learning to bring out those things that God gave us that we buried away.
I've seen this happen with others. Go read Buttercup (Vintage Chic Blog - it's on the right). I cheat in the sense that I've known her far longer than she has written, but even in her work you can see the parts of her that were buried for various reasons (her ability to write, for example) being fanned into flame - the thing that was always there, and that God has been waiting for her to be courageous about and do.
(And no, before you think it, there are plenty of things that are not good gifts or personality traits that are buried and should not be brought out, but put to death. That's sin. Not everything that is hidden should see the light. Another entry for another day.)
Because that is part of what the world needs to see - they can see plenty of self-actualized people, people following their goals and dreams - but do they see us as Christians having the courage to live out what God has given us and called us to in a God honoring way, who are not self centered in what we do but neither are pouring ourselves into the mold of what the world thinks Christianity could do?
My model again is Buttercup, an intelligent woman who is cheerful, bright, outgoing, tand talented, but is not these things because she self actualized or is choosing a better You, but because she has Christ -and would be happy to tell you about it. How countercultural is that?
I want to grow up and be like her.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Soundless Conversation
I'm almost to the point of Facebook use that I will start interacting with people I don't really know. Up to now, it has been with people I know, or expanded to people I don't see regularly.
It's odd. I'm still not sure how I care for this new medium. I send e-mails and compose documents for a living. Part of what I have always lectured folks on is the importance of how your e-mail will be received - as words only, not with the inflection you intended, not with you to explain the meaning and nuances, not for them to observe your reaction. It's just the words.
In a way, this communication form presumes that. To truly work, it assumes that I know you, know how you are, know why you would kid or not, know a back history. I find it very hard to fathom that I could have anything other than a meaningful "chat" with someone with whom I had no frame of reference.
Ah, but you blog, I hear you say. True enough. But blogs - most blogs - are not conversations, they are complete thought sets (at least in theory). Over time, one gets to the "sense" of a blog and its author. The good ones, there is a sense that what they write and who they are inside are one.
The other part that truly bothers me about the communication form is its silence. I am a man that prefers silence to noise - true enough. At the same time, when I am talking, I want to talk: be in the conversation, engage in communication. With this format, especially carrying out a conversation at any length, there is just the clickety click of the keys as I type, the soundless wait for reaction, and then clickety click click of response.
It strikes me as odd that this form of "communication" is actually silent; almost a soulless kind of chat, conveying meaning without form. And without the form, without a way to frame the communication it becomes like a river, guided between banks and useful or out of it's dike and flood, ravaging the land and destroying life.
It's odd. I'm still not sure how I care for this new medium. I send e-mails and compose documents for a living. Part of what I have always lectured folks on is the importance of how your e-mail will be received - as words only, not with the inflection you intended, not with you to explain the meaning and nuances, not for them to observe your reaction. It's just the words.
In a way, this communication form presumes that. To truly work, it assumes that I know you, know how you are, know why you would kid or not, know a back history. I find it very hard to fathom that I could have anything other than a meaningful "chat" with someone with whom I had no frame of reference.
Ah, but you blog, I hear you say. True enough. But blogs - most blogs - are not conversations, they are complete thought sets (at least in theory). Over time, one gets to the "sense" of a blog and its author. The good ones, there is a sense that what they write and who they are inside are one.
The other part that truly bothers me about the communication form is its silence. I am a man that prefers silence to noise - true enough. At the same time, when I am talking, I want to talk: be in the conversation, engage in communication. With this format, especially carrying out a conversation at any length, there is just the clickety click of the keys as I type, the soundless wait for reaction, and then clickety click click of response.
It strikes me as odd that this form of "communication" is actually silent; almost a soulless kind of chat, conveying meaning without form. And without the form, without a way to frame the communication it becomes like a river, guided between banks and useful or out of it's dike and flood, ravaging the land and destroying life.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Back in the Saddle
So here I am. My apologies -when we went away, I found myself without Internet (at least, the free variety), so I had to store it all up.
Where did I go? Here:
Why did I go to this place (Oh Ye of multiple questions)? The Ravishing Mrs. TB went to see this lady:
It was interesting, because this was the first conference (or class, for that matter) that I have been to in a very long time where I truly was simply a guest, with no expectations or agenda to learn. Just an observer.
But fun none the less. The interesting thing to me, as an observer, was how different this was as a company meeting from other formats I am typically used to. Yes, I know that sales folk live a different life than us commoner (Otis, you may now bow), but there was a sense of bonding and purpose there, a sense of belief in the product, in the founder, in each other, and in what they were doing that was palpable.
As you probably know, I am always trying to take these experiences and integrate them into my Christian walk and commentary, because I really do believe that in many ways the Church (generic, please fill in denomination here) falls short of its ability to impact the world. One observation I have was that the (mostly) women that left this meeting were fired up, ready to go. I am hard pressed to think of a church service recently where the same could be said. (Otis, you?).
The other thing, special to this conference, was their motif of an Oasis. As part of the the presentation, they walked through an Anagram (no, I don't remember it and it's probably proprietary) of Oasis. But they were using essentially spiritual (not necessarily Christian) terms: make people aware of their thirst, show them where the water is, lead them by example, and equip them.
Funny - isn't that the Christian message? How come they got it and we don't?
Now now Toirdhealbheach (I hear you say), isn't that incorporating the world's methods into our message? After all, they're selling a product - we are talking about the eternal souls of men and women?
Granted. And you'll find no greater believer of not changing the message or watering it down than I. But at the same time, those women (and a few men) left with purpose, vision, an understanding of what was expected of them, and what the rewards were for their effort.
How about a more personal tone: If the church can't communicate it, why can't I?
Where did I go? Here:
Why did I go to this place (Oh Ye of multiple questions)? The Ravishing Mrs. TB went to see this lady:
It was interesting, because this was the first conference (or class, for that matter) that I have been to in a very long time where I truly was simply a guest, with no expectations or agenda to learn. Just an observer.
But fun none the less. The interesting thing to me, as an observer, was how different this was as a company meeting from other formats I am typically used to. Yes, I know that sales folk live a different life than us commoner (Otis, you may now bow), but there was a sense of bonding and purpose there, a sense of belief in the product, in the founder, in each other, and in what they were doing that was palpable.
As you probably know, I am always trying to take these experiences and integrate them into my Christian walk and commentary, because I really do believe that in many ways the Church (generic, please fill in denomination here) falls short of its ability to impact the world. One observation I have was that the (mostly) women that left this meeting were fired up, ready to go. I am hard pressed to think of a church service recently where the same could be said. (Otis, you?).
The other thing, special to this conference, was their motif of an Oasis. As part of the the presentation, they walked through an Anagram (no, I don't remember it and it's probably proprietary) of Oasis. But they were using essentially spiritual (not necessarily Christian) terms: make people aware of their thirst, show them where the water is, lead them by example, and equip them.
Funny - isn't that the Christian message? How come they got it and we don't?
Now now Toirdhealbheach (I hear you say), isn't that incorporating the world's methods into our message? After all, they're selling a product - we are talking about the eternal souls of men and women?
Granted. And you'll find no greater believer of not changing the message or watering it down than I. But at the same time, those women (and a few men) left with purpose, vision, an understanding of what was expected of them, and what the rewards were for their effort.
How about a more personal tone: If the church can't communicate it, why can't I?
All My Sins Remembered
Ah the Internet, that wonderful invention whereby we can meet those who we had lost track of, sometimes for years.
So I was brought into contact this weekend with an old voice, someone I had not heard from in 20 years. Friendship Interrupted, perhaps (or has this movie been done before?), or some such thing.
Which is odd, because speaking with those you haven't spoken with in years brings up all kinds of things you thought you had forgotten, wrongs you had not remembered, and the wrongs you have. All my sins remembered...
In some cases, they seem to have faded out over time, like the mellowing of harsh colors into a gentle pastel. In some cases, they stare back at you with hollow eyes and accusing fingers, pointing, eyeing you with the eyes of the wronged.
The eyes of the damned.
It reminds me of the importance (oh, how do I know it and hope to pass it on to my children) of thinking through what we do, of all the ramifications. We cannot undo all harms that we did, we can only lament and palliate them. Think, think think!
As the Germans say, why are we old too soon and wise too late? Something about youth and wisdom - or is it that we need to train our children better, to incorporate wisdom into their lives?
I don't know. And it's late. Still, I have the hollow laughter of the past to face me in the dark of my bed tonight.
All my sins remembered...
So I was brought into contact this weekend with an old voice, someone I had not heard from in 20 years. Friendship Interrupted, perhaps (or has this movie been done before?), or some such thing.
Which is odd, because speaking with those you haven't spoken with in years brings up all kinds of things you thought you had forgotten, wrongs you had not remembered, and the wrongs you have. All my sins remembered...
In some cases, they seem to have faded out over time, like the mellowing of harsh colors into a gentle pastel. In some cases, they stare back at you with hollow eyes and accusing fingers, pointing, eyeing you with the eyes of the wronged.
The eyes of the damned.
It reminds me of the importance (oh, how do I know it and hope to pass it on to my children) of thinking through what we do, of all the ramifications. We cannot undo all harms that we did, we can only lament and palliate them. Think, think think!
As the Germans say, why are we old too soon and wise too late? Something about youth and wisdom - or is it that we need to train our children better, to incorporate wisdom into their lives?
I don't know. And it's late. Still, I have the hollow laughter of the past to face me in the dark of my bed tonight.
All my sins remembered...
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Time and Eternity
A sudden realization about the nature of time.
The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself are off tomorrow for a leadership conference through her work (I'm just along for the ride as a kept man). What hit me, as I was packing tonight, was that it only seemed like last week that we were talking about attending and now here it is. Which brought to mind the larger question, why is it as I get older that time flows more quickly?
The answer, in it's simplicity, astonished me: I am constantly living in the future.
The Firm really accelerated the process for me. Like any kind of sales, one was always looking out 90 days until a deal closed: what had to be done, where were we, how close are we. Likewise now in other parts of my life: I'm trying to plan, whether it be work or personal. Everything is always be worked toward a future date.
Contrast that with my childhood and even into my high school and college years, where time frames operated on the 9 month school/3 month summer schedule. Goals, such as they were, involved studying to get to the next level.
Is this inevitable? I've no clue. I'm not sure how one can both plan/work towards things that need to be done while truly savoring the present.
It makes heaven all the more enticing. Think: Being where every day that occurs only means n+1 more. Plans, if we are to make them, doing things, if we are to do them, will be lifted from the curse of too little time or cutting out something more valuable. Every day will be both in the present and in the future.
The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself are off tomorrow for a leadership conference through her work (I'm just along for the ride as a kept man). What hit me, as I was packing tonight, was that it only seemed like last week that we were talking about attending and now here it is. Which brought to mind the larger question, why is it as I get older that time flows more quickly?
The answer, in it's simplicity, astonished me: I am constantly living in the future.
The Firm really accelerated the process for me. Like any kind of sales, one was always looking out 90 days until a deal closed: what had to be done, where were we, how close are we. Likewise now in other parts of my life: I'm trying to plan, whether it be work or personal. Everything is always be worked toward a future date.
Contrast that with my childhood and even into my high school and college years, where time frames operated on the 9 month school/3 month summer schedule. Goals, such as they were, involved studying to get to the next level.
Is this inevitable? I've no clue. I'm not sure how one can both plan/work towards things that need to be done while truly savoring the present.
It makes heaven all the more enticing. Think: Being where every day that occurs only means n+1 more. Plans, if we are to make them, doing things, if we are to do them, will be lifted from the curse of too little time or cutting out something more valuable. Every day will be both in the present and in the future.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Bee Quest 2009
Bee Quest 2009 is starting up.
This weekend, I ordered my bees for this year. We're doing something wrong, because we can never get them to live beyond one year. My father gently suggested that, as we seemed have sunk a great deal of money into them without any result, perhaps we might consider getting some additional training because we were doing something wrong.
Fair enough. Where does one beekeeping classes? Thank goodness for the web - you can find anything. Nice thing is, you get 7 hours of class time for ordering bees. I ordered two, so I can have a partner in crime - Daibidh Mor - to at complain to.
The second part of this is education, inspired by a most unlikely source. My great-aunt passed away in December, and her memorial service was early this month. As part of the memorial service, her pastor, grandchildren, and those that had known her gave some stories from her life - some I had known, some I had not. I knew that at one point she kept goats - what I did not know is that she had no previous knowledge of goat keeping but went on to attain some records for herd milk production that may stand today! Her sister, Aunt Emma, commented that their parents always taught them to try anything when given the opportunity and be excellent in it (which, I might add as a sidebar, their six daughters all did).
So along with the "I'm going to finish my book and get it published" this year goal, I've also got the "this year" I'm going to succeed in bees" goal.
Daibidh Mor and I also went to a beekeeping presentation at Rush Ranch on Sunday. It was a two part presentation: One by Dr. Robbin Thorp from UC Davis on Native Bees (Did you know there are 19,500 species of bees, about 4000 species in North America, about 1600 species in California, and 260 species in Solano County). The second was by Phil Hofland of Noble Apiaries with a general view of beekeeping from a commercial view. He said that it's been hard these last years with the advent of the varroa mite as well as a new kind of nosema protozoa - but his enthusiasm was incurable! For both gentlemen, besides the transfer of information, it was obvious that they really have a great love for bees and everything they do. On the whole, very interesting and encouraging.
So the bees are coming. The education is coming. I'm Ready!!
(I'm ready, get honey, I'm ready, get honey, I'm ready, get honey....)
This weekend, I ordered my bees for this year. We're doing something wrong, because we can never get them to live beyond one year. My father gently suggested that, as we seemed have sunk a great deal of money into them without any result, perhaps we might consider getting some additional training because we were doing something wrong.
Fair enough. Where does one beekeeping classes? Thank goodness for the web - you can find anything. Nice thing is, you get 7 hours of class time for ordering bees. I ordered two, so I can have a partner in crime - Daibidh Mor - to at complain to.
The second part of this is education, inspired by a most unlikely source. My great-aunt passed away in December, and her memorial service was early this month. As part of the memorial service, her pastor, grandchildren, and those that had known her gave some stories from her life - some I had known, some I had not. I knew that at one point she kept goats - what I did not know is that she had no previous knowledge of goat keeping but went on to attain some records for herd milk production that may stand today! Her sister, Aunt Emma, commented that their parents always taught them to try anything when given the opportunity and be excellent in it (which, I might add as a sidebar, their six daughters all did).
So along with the "I'm going to finish my book and get it published" this year goal, I've also got the "this year" I'm going to succeed in bees" goal.
Daibidh Mor and I also went to a beekeeping presentation at Rush Ranch on Sunday. It was a two part presentation: One by Dr. Robbin Thorp from UC Davis on Native Bees (Did you know there are 19,500 species of bees, about 4000 species in North America, about 1600 species in California, and 260 species in Solano County). The second was by Phil Hofland of Noble Apiaries with a general view of beekeeping from a commercial view. He said that it's been hard these last years with the advent of the varroa mite as well as a new kind of nosema protozoa - but his enthusiasm was incurable! For both gentlemen, besides the transfer of information, it was obvious that they really have a great love for bees and everything they do. On the whole, very interesting and encouraging.
So the bees are coming. The education is coming. I'm Ready!!
(I'm ready, get honey, I'm ready, get honey, I'm ready, get honey....)
Monday, January 12, 2009
Done!
The book is done - this morning, as of 0638.
Some of you will know that I have working on a book - in all fairness, since 2003. I dropped off the writing map once or twice, but finally last year got up the energy (and courage to face criticism) to finish it off and send it for editing help. The editing review came back, I revised and sent out again, and even have an offer to publish - but due to financial issues, decided not to at that time.
But, like every good artist that is not happy with their work, I went back again, as part of my New Year's resolutions, to re-edit the work. I did this somewhat, and was faced this morning with considering writing one more section.
I looked, I pondered, I even tried a desultory typing of a couple of lines once or twice - then I said "done."
Part of my finishing is simply that I am ready to move on to writing something else - as I indicated, I've been working on this for almost 6 years now. But part of it is that it is done. Truly, I've got an offer to publish - what is another chapter or section or major modifications going to do for it beyond know what they want? Besides, I really am ready to start a new project, but in a way can't because this is hanging around my neck.
The other part is that it now forces me to make a commitment to finish the publishing process. Simply put, as long as I put "finishing" the book off, I could not be expected to have to figure out how to get it published - a convenient excuse. Now, I no longer have that excuse.
How remarkably freeing and terrifying at the same time.
Some of you will know that I have working on a book - in all fairness, since 2003. I dropped off the writing map once or twice, but finally last year got up the energy (and courage to face criticism) to finish it off and send it for editing help. The editing review came back, I revised and sent out again, and even have an offer to publish - but due to financial issues, decided not to at that time.
But, like every good artist that is not happy with their work, I went back again, as part of my New Year's resolutions, to re-edit the work. I did this somewhat, and was faced this morning with considering writing one more section.
I looked, I pondered, I even tried a desultory typing of a couple of lines once or twice - then I said "done."
Part of my finishing is simply that I am ready to move on to writing something else - as I indicated, I've been working on this for almost 6 years now. But part of it is that it is done. Truly, I've got an offer to publish - what is another chapter or section or major modifications going to do for it beyond know what they want? Besides, I really am ready to start a new project, but in a way can't because this is hanging around my neck.
The other part is that it now forces me to make a commitment to finish the publishing process. Simply put, as long as I put "finishing" the book off, I could not be expected to have to figure out how to get it published - a convenient excuse. Now, I no longer have that excuse.
How remarkably freeing and terrifying at the same time.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
What to do
Daibidh Mor and I got into a conversation yesterday concerning the nature of practical holiness. The question initially revolved around a musical group, but branched out into other things as well. Why? A conversation related about a third party who had some other individuals say something to the effect of "There's no way a Christian should listen to/read/watch/do that."
Okay fine. So what does God's Word say?
His expectation is holiness - 1st Peter 1:15 -16"...but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written 'Be holy, for I am holy.'" (quoting Leviticus 11:44). What is holiness? Well, God is holy - perfectly so. Therefore, to seek to be holy is to seek to be like God.
Other hints? "Beloved, do not imitate what is evil, but what is good. He who does good is of God, but he who does evil has not seen God" (3rd John 11). "Test all things: hold fast to what is good. Abstain from every form of evil" (1 Thessalonians 5:21-22).
That "abstain from every form of evil" catches my eye. I don't have my Greek text in front of me, but I am willing to bet that the "every" there really means "every", not "some".
I'm to be holy - as one commentator put it, "Holiness is thinking as God thinks and acting as God acts. I'm not to imitate evil, I'm not to participate in evil in any way (semi-opposite of holding fast).
Based on that, I suppose my first question with anything then has to become "Is it evil?" Which then begs a larger question: Is it possible for something to be morally neutral in our lives?
For the sake of argument, let us set aside those important attributes of not doing something that causes a weaker brother sister to stumble (1 Corinthians 8:1-13) or something that they are personally convinced is sin for them (Romans 14:22-23) - although probably here is a hint in Paul's comment that " Do you have faith? Have it to yourself before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves (v.22)."
So if something is not causing a brother or sister to stumble, is not evil, is not something that one feels condemned before God about, is that okay? Kind of involves a discussion of what is evil - if an author is an excellent writer but writes books which either are not themselves "good" or "evil" or doesn't affect you but is leading others away from God, does that constitute freedom of conscious?
Or perhaps the question is moot. Perhaps the real though process we need to go through is "Life is short. Eternity is long. Based on the time I have here, is this the best possible use of my time for the cause of Christ?" Or said more eloquently by Robert Murry McCheyne "Not a trait worth remembering! And yet these four and twenty hours must be accounted for" and "My heart must break off from all these things? What right have I to steal and abuse my Master's time?"
It kind of takes the guesswork out of what I'm doing. Not is it allowed or not allowed, evil or not evil (although both of these things should be considered), but is it the best use of my time of which I am steward for God and for which I will give an account. If I more consistently filtered my life like this, what would my answer be?
Okay fine. So what does God's Word say?
His expectation is holiness - 1st Peter 1:15 -16"...but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written 'Be holy, for I am holy.'" (quoting Leviticus 11:44). What is holiness? Well, God is holy - perfectly so. Therefore, to seek to be holy is to seek to be like God.
Other hints? "Beloved, do not imitate what is evil, but what is good. He who does good is of God, but he who does evil has not seen God" (3rd John 11). "Test all things: hold fast to what is good. Abstain from every form of evil" (1 Thessalonians 5:21-22).
That "abstain from every form of evil" catches my eye. I don't have my Greek text in front of me, but I am willing to bet that the "every" there really means "every", not "some".
I'm to be holy - as one commentator put it, "Holiness is thinking as God thinks and acting as God acts. I'm not to imitate evil, I'm not to participate in evil in any way (semi-opposite of holding fast).
Based on that, I suppose my first question with anything then has to become "Is it evil?" Which then begs a larger question: Is it possible for something to be morally neutral in our lives?
For the sake of argument, let us set aside those important attributes of not doing something that causes a weaker brother sister to stumble (1 Corinthians 8:1-13) or something that they are personally convinced is sin for them (Romans 14:22-23) - although probably here is a hint in Paul's comment that " Do you have faith? Have it to yourself before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves (v.22)."
So if something is not causing a brother or sister to stumble, is not evil, is not something that one feels condemned before God about, is that okay? Kind of involves a discussion of what is evil - if an author is an excellent writer but writes books which either are not themselves "good" or "evil" or doesn't affect you but is leading others away from God, does that constitute freedom of conscious?
Or perhaps the question is moot. Perhaps the real though process we need to go through is "Life is short. Eternity is long. Based on the time I have here, is this the best possible use of my time for the cause of Christ?" Or said more eloquently by Robert Murry McCheyne "Not a trait worth remembering! And yet these four and twenty hours must be accounted for" and "My heart must break off from all these things? What right have I to steal and abuse my Master's time?"
It kind of takes the guesswork out of what I'm doing. Not is it allowed or not allowed, evil or not evil (although both of these things should be considered), but is it the best use of my time of which I am steward for God and for which I will give an account. If I more consistently filtered my life like this, what would my answer be?
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Talking to Myself
I talked with Bogha Frois this evening, hashing out my feeling of reaching limits within myself and not understanding why or what was happening.
And, being Bogha Frois, she cut to the heart of it pretty quickly.
"Your subconscious is talking to you."
"My what?"
"Your subconscious. It's trying to get your attention."
"Okay...what is it trying to say to me?"
"It's time."
"Time?"
"Time."
Fabulous. I'm talking to a Croatian Yoda, who is making about as much sense.
She tried a different tack, apparently convinced that my apparent cud chewing was not an act.
"Did you make any goals for the New Year?"
"Yeah. Actually, I spent about three days doing the process. It was good."
"Then it is your subconscious talking to you. It's like when I had the fire and we lost everything. For a time, I had to concentrate on getting my life back together, getting stuff for the boys, finding a place to live, stuff like that. But at some point, I had to get out of the survival mode and get back into life. I felt a disconnect, a sort of barrier like your talking about. So I got new dishes."
"New dishes." Dear Lord, she's finally gone over the edge.
"New dishes. I didn't have a matching set of dishes, and at some point I finally said 'Enough. I'm tired of living like this.' And the way I stopped living like that was to go out and get some new dishes that matched. Plates and bowls for all of us. It was that taking action that allowed me to move on."
"Hmm. So really, what is going on is part of me is telling another part of me that it's time to move on."
"Exactly. It's your mind's way of telling you that it is time to stop holding yourself back, putting self-imposed restrictions on yourself that you cling to because you think they are still relevant. The rest of you is ready to move on, but you are putting up barriers about why you can't. Tell me this: In your goal setting, did set some goals that you really wanted?"
"Yeah, I think so. Some things I really want to do - in one case, I'm ahead of where I planned to be at this time."
"See, that's it. You're ready to go - just get out of your own way. I really envy you, actually. The times I've done that are some of the most exciting of my life."
"I suppose we should all bask in the warm glow of what is you and your thinking now."
"Do you really think so?"
"Yes", I said begrudgingly, because I hate using that line for others - I'd rather use it for myself. "I really do".
And so home we drove, Bogha Frois basking in the warm glow of being right, me in the sinking sunlight with myself, trying to hear what I was apparently trying to say.
And, being Bogha Frois, she cut to the heart of it pretty quickly.
"Your subconscious is talking to you."
"My what?"
"Your subconscious. It's trying to get your attention."
"Okay...what is it trying to say to me?"
"It's time."
"Time?"
"Time."
Fabulous. I'm talking to a Croatian Yoda, who is making about as much sense.
She tried a different tack, apparently convinced that my apparent cud chewing was not an act.
"Did you make any goals for the New Year?"
"Yeah. Actually, I spent about three days doing the process. It was good."
"Then it is your subconscious talking to you. It's like when I had the fire and we lost everything. For a time, I had to concentrate on getting my life back together, getting stuff for the boys, finding a place to live, stuff like that. But at some point, I had to get out of the survival mode and get back into life. I felt a disconnect, a sort of barrier like your talking about. So I got new dishes."
"New dishes." Dear Lord, she's finally gone over the edge.
"New dishes. I didn't have a matching set of dishes, and at some point I finally said 'Enough. I'm tired of living like this.' And the way I stopped living like that was to go out and get some new dishes that matched. Plates and bowls for all of us. It was that taking action that allowed me to move on."
"Hmm. So really, what is going on is part of me is telling another part of me that it's time to move on."
"Exactly. It's your mind's way of telling you that it is time to stop holding yourself back, putting self-imposed restrictions on yourself that you cling to because you think they are still relevant. The rest of you is ready to move on, but you are putting up barriers about why you can't. Tell me this: In your goal setting, did set some goals that you really wanted?"
"Yeah, I think so. Some things I really want to do - in one case, I'm ahead of where I planned to be at this time."
"See, that's it. You're ready to go - just get out of your own way. I really envy you, actually. The times I've done that are some of the most exciting of my life."
"I suppose we should all bask in the warm glow of what is you and your thinking now."
"Do you really think so?"
"Yes", I said begrudgingly, because I hate using that line for others - I'd rather use it for myself. "I really do".
And so home we drove, Bogha Frois basking in the warm glow of being right, me in the sinking sunlight with myself, trying to hear what I was apparently trying to say.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Seed boundaries
I am coming to the beginning or the ending of something: I'm not sure which.
I have had the feeling for the last two weeks of being constrained, almost the sense of existing inside an emotional, intellectual, and personal shell of myself - as if I were feeling the non-physical boundaries of who I am.
To what end? I am not sure of that. For example, career: I have tried and tried to mentally "push" myself up into the next level of interest and process in my job field, but I can't seem to muster the enthusiasm to do it.
If I had to characterize how I feel, it's the sense of being a seed, straining against the hard outer walls of the shell - and more annoying is that, like the seed with sun and warmth and water, it is being caused by factors over which I have not control and which I have no knowledge of. I cannot remember having this experience before - the sense of being on a precipice of having to grow or die, of being conscious that I am at the limits of myself - and not understanding where it is coming from or why.
I have had the feeling for the last two weeks of being constrained, almost the sense of existing inside an emotional, intellectual, and personal shell of myself - as if I were feeling the non-physical boundaries of who I am.
To what end? I am not sure of that. For example, career: I have tried and tried to mentally "push" myself up into the next level of interest and process in my job field, but I can't seem to muster the enthusiasm to do it.
If I had to characterize how I feel, it's the sense of being a seed, straining against the hard outer walls of the shell - and more annoying is that, like the seed with sun and warmth and water, it is being caused by factors over which I have not control and which I have no knowledge of. I cannot remember having this experience before - the sense of being on a precipice of having to grow or die, of being conscious that I am at the limits of myself - and not understanding where it is coming from or why.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
The Eyes of the Lord
"For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself stirring on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him." - 2nd Chronicles 16:9
This is what I get from God at 0415 in the morning - one of those moments where the verse pops into your head, you have no idea where it is in the Bible except that it is there. And then, when you re-rouse yourself from slumber later, it is still there.
I'm pegging this to my post yesterday, especially concerning aligning ourselves with what God is doing, rather than what we want to do. Things that stick out to me include:
- God is actively searching and looking, not just waiting until someone makes the grade.
- He is willing to act on behalf of individuals.
- But there is a condition: He will stir on behalf of those whose hearts are loyal to Him.
Okay, fair enough. What does loyalty mean?
Loyalty (per Merriam-Webster): "The quality or state of being loyal."
Helpful, that. Okay, how about loyal?
Loyal: 1: unswerving in allegiance: as a: faithful in allegiance to one's lawful sovereign or government b: faithful to a private person to whom fidelity is due c: faithful to a cause, ideal, custom, institution, or product
Notice the words there: unswerving, allegiance, faithful, fidelity. Oddly enough, concepts God uses towards our salvation: "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
Okay, now I get it: God looks for and acts on behalf of those who are unswerving in their allegiance to Him and faithful to Him. Note that it does not promise how He will act, only that He says He will act.
Fine. Now the part that grinds me down: Am I unswerving in my allegiance to God? Am I faith to Him to whom fidelity is due? Do I seek in everything that I do to demonstrate these qualities? Do I plan my life and my goals around them?
If not, why am I surprised if He does not act on my behalf?
This is what I get from God at 0415 in the morning - one of those moments where the verse pops into your head, you have no idea where it is in the Bible except that it is there. And then, when you re-rouse yourself from slumber later, it is still there.
I'm pegging this to my post yesterday, especially concerning aligning ourselves with what God is doing, rather than what we want to do. Things that stick out to me include:
- God is actively searching and looking, not just waiting until someone makes the grade.
- He is willing to act on behalf of individuals.
- But there is a condition: He will stir on behalf of those whose hearts are loyal to Him.
Okay, fair enough. What does loyalty mean?
Loyalty (per Merriam-Webster): "The quality or state of being loyal."
Helpful, that. Okay, how about loyal?
Loyal: 1: unswerving in allegiance: as a: faithful in allegiance to one's lawful sovereign or government b: faithful to a private person to whom fidelity is due c: faithful to a cause, ideal, custom, institution, or product
Notice the words there: unswerving, allegiance, faithful, fidelity. Oddly enough, concepts God uses towards our salvation: "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
Okay, now I get it: God looks for and acts on behalf of those who are unswerving in their allegiance to Him and faithful to Him. Note that it does not promise how He will act, only that He says He will act.
Fine. Now the part that grinds me down: Am I unswerving in my allegiance to God? Am I faith to Him to whom fidelity is due? Do I seek in everything that I do to demonstrate these qualities? Do I plan my life and my goals around them?
If not, why am I surprised if He does not act on my behalf?
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Me Myself and Phil Vischer
Last night I came home feeling like the poster child for making bad decisions. News again from work that best may be rate limiting, at worst could be much more. Reflecting on the buyout of the previous company for which I worked, doing those numbers (if you've ever left a company that had stock options worth something, you know - you've done the same numbers). The whole thing left me feeling as if I once again failed to make any semblance of a good decision.
Fortunately God, in His grace (or humor) provided me with a resource last night that showed up in the ever popular, ever ready to make me smile Amazon box: Me, Myself, and Bob by Phil Vischer. He is the creator of Veggie Tales, an ostensibly children's oriented set of videos teaching Christian values ( I say ostensibly, because I actually love the things - and as Vischer points out, part of their early success was actually college students with odd senses of humor). The book is a sort of business biography about himself and the business that he created, grew, and then lost in 2003 over a 14 year period.
In a nutshell (and it is a super small nutshell - you should really get the book), he had a dream: to build a world class Christian entertainment and media group rivaling that of Disney (Walt was his hero). However, what he found, after the collapse of his dream, was that God's point is never the dream, it is our relationship with Him.
I quote Vischer (ironically, quoting someone else): "'If God gives you a dream, and the dream comes to life and shows up in it, and then the dream dies, it may be that God want to see what is more important to you - the dream or Him. And once he's seen that, you may get your dream back. Or you may not, and you may live out the rest of your life without it. But that will be okay, because you'll have God.'" (p. 235)
or here (quoting Henry Blackaby): "' If you start something and it does not seem to go well, consider carefully that God, on purpose, may not be authenticating what you told the people because it did not come from Him, but from your own head. You may have wanted to do something outstanding for God and forgot that God does not want that. He wants you to be available to Him, and more important, to be obedient to Him.'" (p. 239)
or here (this is actually Vischer): "The Christian life wasn't about running around like a maniac; it was about walking with God. It wasn't about impact, it was about obedience. It wasn't about making stuff up, it was about listening." (p. 243)
and "What is 'walking with God'? Simple. Doing what he asks you to do each and every day. Living in active relationship with him. Filling your mind with his Word, and letting that Word penetrate every waking moment." (p. 243)
As I said, get the book.
So what does this have to do with questioning my life decisions? Simple. What is my dream? what do I have to have instead of God, or am using to do "for God" because I think I need to? (Vischer: "Because God is enough. Just God. And he isn't "enough" because he can make our dreams come true - no, you've got him confused with Santa or Merlin or Oprah." (p. 250)).
Well, the one that leapt to mind based on last night was money. Security as defined by the money in the bank, rather than my relationship with God (Somewhere on the East Coast, as you read this, Otis is nodding his head and saying "Yup. I've been trying to get him to ask this question for weeks now"). This was even true at The Firm. Question: If I had succeeded at the Firm - If I had gone either stayed at my previous job or violated a principle and borrowed money - and I had a modest sum of money sitting in the bank right now, would I be feeling that God is enough? Or would I be feeling confident in my bank account to weather the storm, planning things that I wanted to do and buy (and trust me, there's a list at the back of my mind), maybe planning to do even "bigger" things to "glorify" God?
Don't answer that. I already know the answer.
And that's just one. There's more. I just need to dig deeper.
I've added Vischer's blog to my list there. As a man that has failed and come out on the other side, he's got a lot to say.
Did I mention read or buy his book?
Fortunately God, in His grace (or humor) provided me with a resource last night that showed up in the ever popular, ever ready to make me smile Amazon box: Me, Myself, and Bob by Phil Vischer. He is the creator of Veggie Tales, an ostensibly children's oriented set of videos teaching Christian values ( I say ostensibly, because I actually love the things - and as Vischer points out, part of their early success was actually college students with odd senses of humor). The book is a sort of business biography about himself and the business that he created, grew, and then lost in 2003 over a 14 year period.
In a nutshell (and it is a super small nutshell - you should really get the book), he had a dream: to build a world class Christian entertainment and media group rivaling that of Disney (Walt was his hero). However, what he found, after the collapse of his dream, was that God's point is never the dream, it is our relationship with Him.
I quote Vischer (ironically, quoting someone else): "'If God gives you a dream, and the dream comes to life and shows up in it, and then the dream dies, it may be that God want to see what is more important to you - the dream or Him. And once he's seen that, you may get your dream back. Or you may not, and you may live out the rest of your life without it. But that will be okay, because you'll have God.'" (p. 235)
or here (quoting Henry Blackaby): "' If you start something and it does not seem to go well, consider carefully that God, on purpose, may not be authenticating what you told the people because it did not come from Him, but from your own head. You may have wanted to do something outstanding for God and forgot that God does not want that. He wants you to be available to Him, and more important, to be obedient to Him.'" (p. 239)
or here (this is actually Vischer): "The Christian life wasn't about running around like a maniac; it was about walking with God. It wasn't about impact, it was about obedience. It wasn't about making stuff up, it was about listening." (p. 243)
and "What is 'walking with God'? Simple. Doing what he asks you to do each and every day. Living in active relationship with him. Filling your mind with his Word, and letting that Word penetrate every waking moment." (p. 243)
As I said, get the book.
So what does this have to do with questioning my life decisions? Simple. What is my dream? what do I have to have instead of God, or am using to do "for God" because I think I need to? (Vischer: "Because God is enough. Just God. And he isn't "enough" because he can make our dreams come true - no, you've got him confused with Santa or Merlin or Oprah." (p. 250)).
Well, the one that leapt to mind based on last night was money. Security as defined by the money in the bank, rather than my relationship with God (Somewhere on the East Coast, as you read this, Otis is nodding his head and saying "Yup. I've been trying to get him to ask this question for weeks now"). This was even true at The Firm. Question: If I had succeeded at the Firm - If I had gone either stayed at my previous job or violated a principle and borrowed money - and I had a modest sum of money sitting in the bank right now, would I be feeling that God is enough? Or would I be feeling confident in my bank account to weather the storm, planning things that I wanted to do and buy (and trust me, there's a list at the back of my mind), maybe planning to do even "bigger" things to "glorify" God?
Don't answer that. I already know the answer.
And that's just one. There's more. I just need to dig deeper.
I've added Vischer's blog to my list there. As a man that has failed and come out on the other side, he's got a lot to say.
Did I mention read or buy his book?
Monday, January 05, 2009
New Blog
Am Polleaneach has a blog! Yay! You should go there now. It's very good:
http://songbirdsrandomnotes.blogspot.com/
You should go there now.
You. The one reading this. Stop reading. Click above.
http://songbirdsrandomnotes.blogspot.com/
You should go there now.
You. The one reading this. Stop reading. Click above.
Dream
I had one of those dreams last night, one of those puzzling ones that make you go "Huh, what did that mean?"
I was on the campus of my old Alma Mater. For some reason, it was a combination of dorm/library. I was looking for something - some secret thing, I'm not sure what. I knew it was there, but it was not anywhere I could get to. Someone with me - no idea who -walked in, through the dorm, and into some kind of passage through a room. Going through this room, and down a staircase, and into a library (books -what did you expect from me?), walls and walls of books.
We eventually emerged into the light, and apparently had broken something up - official looking folk, wandering about and going into the library.
And then I woke up.
I gave it not a lot of thought today until Am Polleanach noted "So you sound a little more cheerful in your posts. I think maybe you have resolved some issues somewhere deep in the old subconscious?" I hadn't thought about it that way, but it made sense: I had finally come to a conclusion about some goals, and all of a sudden it was like having pushed my way into a place that I had never been before - or at least couldn't find.
I think I did turn a corner - I'm not just conscious of what it is.
I was on the campus of my old Alma Mater. For some reason, it was a combination of dorm/library. I was looking for something - some secret thing, I'm not sure what. I knew it was there, but it was not anywhere I could get to. Someone with me - no idea who -walked in, through the dorm, and into some kind of passage through a room. Going through this room, and down a staircase, and into a library (books -what did you expect from me?), walls and walls of books.
We eventually emerged into the light, and apparently had broken something up - official looking folk, wandering about and going into the library.
And then I woke up.
I gave it not a lot of thought today until Am Polleanach noted "So you sound a little more cheerful in your posts. I think maybe you have resolved some issues somewhere deep in the old subconscious?" I hadn't thought about it that way, but it made sense: I had finally come to a conclusion about some goals, and all of a sudden it was like having pushed my way into a place that I had never been before - or at least couldn't find.
I think I did turn a corner - I'm not just conscious of what it is.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
New Year, New Goals
A Happy (and somewhat belated) New Year! I had the luxury this year of taking some time off before and after the New Year, which allowed me (for the first time ever, perhaps) to sit and do some serious thought planning about goals and resolutions for the next year.
This became an interesting process, as I suddenly discovered another fabulous web service: scribd (http://www.scribd.com/) which allows one to upload various written documents. On a lark, I looked, and sure enough, many of the modules from my roleplaying days 30 years ago were there. I ended up taking a walk down memory lane for an hour or two, and left feeling somewhat disturbed as well.
Disturbed? For two reasons: 1) I can see in the fairly innocuous games of the time the groundwork being laid for the relative acceptance of evil and occult in entertainment today; 2) One of the reasons that I got out was that "I would never make a living at it", as was true of video games as well (if you were of the era, you remember "How come you keep spending so much time and money on those things? You'll never get a job playing games!") - yet there is now a huge industry in both.
I'm not arguing for the fact that I should have remained in them - the subtle deadening of one's morals to the terrifying reality of evil should be enough. Still, it did give me pause as I went to look at my goals and resolutions this year. Why? Because they involved things that, if I can do them, will help me succeed but which, I fear, I have trouble keeping myself on track - as well as arguing for the benefits of them.
In this area, work is a terrible downfall: it mercilessly tends to focus down to the narrowest of all denominators, that which affects our work and (if we don't like our job) that which we would like to do instead of our job (which, being cast as a fantasy, has as little bias in reality). Part of this process over the weekend was addressing the fact that I find my imaginationatory and intellectual muscles hardening - I make excuses for not doing things instead of trying them because "I don't have the time" or "I don't have the money" - but more correctly, "I don't have the will."
So this year, on top of my goals and resolutions, there is one other: to escape what is becoming evident as the perilous thinking of middle age: it's too expensive, it's not time wise, and it's outside of my job category. This kind of thinking will end up in the very thing I have always feared: a petty paper pushing bureaucrat, marking time for retirement.
This became an interesting process, as I suddenly discovered another fabulous web service: scribd (http://www.scribd.com/) which allows one to upload various written documents. On a lark, I looked, and sure enough, many of the modules from my roleplaying days 30 years ago were there. I ended up taking a walk down memory lane for an hour or two, and left feeling somewhat disturbed as well.
Disturbed? For two reasons: 1) I can see in the fairly innocuous games of the time the groundwork being laid for the relative acceptance of evil and occult in entertainment today; 2) One of the reasons that I got out was that "I would never make a living at it", as was true of video games as well (if you were of the era, you remember "How come you keep spending so much time and money on those things? You'll never get a job playing games!") - yet there is now a huge industry in both.
I'm not arguing for the fact that I should have remained in them - the subtle deadening of one's morals to the terrifying reality of evil should be enough. Still, it did give me pause as I went to look at my goals and resolutions this year. Why? Because they involved things that, if I can do them, will help me succeed but which, I fear, I have trouble keeping myself on track - as well as arguing for the benefits of them.
In this area, work is a terrible downfall: it mercilessly tends to focus down to the narrowest of all denominators, that which affects our work and (if we don't like our job) that which we would like to do instead of our job (which, being cast as a fantasy, has as little bias in reality). Part of this process over the weekend was addressing the fact that I find my imaginationatory and intellectual muscles hardening - I make excuses for not doing things instead of trying them because "I don't have the time" or "I don't have the money" - but more correctly, "I don't have the will."
So this year, on top of my goals and resolutions, there is one other: to escape what is becoming evident as the perilous thinking of middle age: it's too expensive, it's not time wise, and it's outside of my job category. This kind of thinking will end up in the very thing I have always feared: a petty paper pushing bureaucrat, marking time for retirement.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
EOY
"For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning." - T.S. Eliot
And so here we are. The last phrase strikes me the most - "To make an end is to make a beginning." What better time to reflect on endings and beginnings than today and tomorrow.
But what calls out to me is "To make an end". Oddly enough, this becomes harder and harder for me as the years pile on. Why? Not sure. It's certainly not a fear of the unknown, or having to learn new things. It's more of a personal comfort level thing.
We carry things - ideas, habits, hobbies, manners of speaking - around with us until they seemingly become ingrained in us, part of us. Twofold thing: 1) We can only ever carry, be, and do a finite amount of things; and 2) Much like a full cup, we can only add to it once we subtract from it.
But what a struggle to empty the cup, to "make a beginning"! I find that I hold on to things that hold no more benefit for me, nor are an essential part of me, simply because I hate to let things go. Cynically, one could say that it is because I might have to use that habit, skill, thing again. More realistically, I do it because I confuse what is necessary with what I think is necessary.
I am reminded of when Am Polleanach went through her mother's things after she had passed away. I remember in particular things that her mother had saved, or that she herself had saved, which got ruined by the weather. Although they believed they were there and ready to be used or pulled out and memorialized, when in fact they were useless and never realized it. How much in my own life that I cling to is in fact now useless, weathered, and I still believe it secure and dry?
So this year, in adding to my goals of things I will do, I will add at least one thing I will no longer do this next year - that "making an end". Let us see how it goes.
And so here we are. The last phrase strikes me the most - "To make an end is to make a beginning." What better time to reflect on endings and beginnings than today and tomorrow.
But what calls out to me is "To make an end". Oddly enough, this becomes harder and harder for me as the years pile on. Why? Not sure. It's certainly not a fear of the unknown, or having to learn new things. It's more of a personal comfort level thing.
We carry things - ideas, habits, hobbies, manners of speaking - around with us until they seemingly become ingrained in us, part of us. Twofold thing: 1) We can only ever carry, be, and do a finite amount of things; and 2) Much like a full cup, we can only add to it once we subtract from it.
But what a struggle to empty the cup, to "make a beginning"! I find that I hold on to things that hold no more benefit for me, nor are an essential part of me, simply because I hate to let things go. Cynically, one could say that it is because I might have to use that habit, skill, thing again. More realistically, I do it because I confuse what is necessary with what I think is necessary.
I am reminded of when Am Polleanach went through her mother's things after she had passed away. I remember in particular things that her mother had saved, or that she herself had saved, which got ruined by the weather. Although they believed they were there and ready to be used or pulled out and memorialized, when in fact they were useless and never realized it. How much in my own life that I cling to is in fact now useless, weathered, and I still believe it secure and dry?
So this year, in adding to my goals of things I will do, I will add at least one thing I will no longer do this next year - that "making an end". Let us see how it goes.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Little Wonders
This song is from the Disney movie Meet the Robinsons (a fine movie, by the by), written and performed by Rob Thomas (who sings for Matchbox 20 - who knew I could be hip?).
Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain
Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And I don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain
All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But I can not forget
The way I feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
but these small hours
These small hours,
still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain
Here's the video (I think)
Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain
Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And I don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain
All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But I can not forget
The way I feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
but these small hours
These small hours,
still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain
Here's the video (I think)
Sunday, December 28, 2008
A Thought
I'm usually quite excited after Christmas. That period of time betwen Boxing Day and Hogmanay is when I give serious thought to the next year, goal setting and looking back over this year's goals and cleaning.
Cleaning and organizing is the worst. What I've found is that I'm the proverbial pack rat for getting, saving, and collecting things. Why is this? I don't have the excuse of my grandparents, who lived through the Depression, not do I have need because I have very little - in fact, I have an overabundance.
Oddly enough, the reason I keep most of things I keep is the same reason I dither about making decisions: afraid to commit (if I choose, truly choose, one path that means that other paths are not chosen), and afraid that if I get rid of something, I'll need it (which has occasionally - very occasionally! - happened).
A third reason, as I think about it, is the silliest of all: the power and emotional attachment that we invest in things. I was looking through papers last night and found some old Breton instruction from 19 years ago. I almost threw them away but then suddenly, as I went through some of the supporting paperwork, was overcome by a wave of nostalgia (from my Ireland trip) and a "what if?" thought: What if I need to do research for some writing? And back in the pile they went. How is it that things, which are not emotive nor emotional, can create such a reaction - most often nostalgia, that most thin and least useful of the emotions because it does nothing except create a desire for times past which cannot return?
Cleaning and organizing is the worst. What I've found is that I'm the proverbial pack rat for getting, saving, and collecting things. Why is this? I don't have the excuse of my grandparents, who lived through the Depression, not do I have need because I have very little - in fact, I have an overabundance.
Oddly enough, the reason I keep most of things I keep is the same reason I dither about making decisions: afraid to commit (if I choose, truly choose, one path that means that other paths are not chosen), and afraid that if I get rid of something, I'll need it (which has occasionally - very occasionally! - happened).
A third reason, as I think about it, is the silliest of all: the power and emotional attachment that we invest in things. I was looking through papers last night and found some old Breton instruction from 19 years ago. I almost threw them away but then suddenly, as I went through some of the supporting paperwork, was overcome by a wave of nostalgia (from my Ireland trip) and a "what if?" thought: What if I need to do research for some writing? And back in the pile they went. How is it that things, which are not emotive nor emotional, can create such a reaction - most often nostalgia, that most thin and least useful of the emotions because it does nothing except create a desire for times past which cannot return?
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
A Cold Stone of Unforgiveness
The Ravishing Mrs. TB reminded me this week that I am still carrying around a stone of unforgiveness.
I mentioned that I had be reading a Christmas card from some family members of Himself, and found it interesting that Himself was not included in the description. Her response surprised me: "Why do you care? I've moved on from that - Why haven't you?"
That made me think - why am I still holding onto it?
And then the imagery came: I'm holding on to it because it represents something else - in this case, unforgiveness.
Right or wrong, I harbor feelings of hurt. My response is not to let go, but to hold it, polish it in my sweaty clenched hand and cool cotton pocket until it is a small cold black stone, ready to be pulled out in that moment when it becomes useful.
Which is of course ironic, given the reason for the season. Christ came to enable the reconciliation of man to God - I, with my cold stone, wait as a lone sentinel, ready to use it in unforgiveness.
Why do I clutch it to myself? I could make excuses, but the ugly truth is that I do it because I feel like I have a right. I feel - in some kind of bizarre, backwards way - that I am the aggrieved party.
But in order to take something, we have to let something go. One cannot both clutch and reach to grab with something in one's hand very effectively.
To drop the stone - ah, that seems like death itself. What of the right? What of my hurt -some real, some imagined? What about me?
That option is not given. "Forgive as God forgave you" is the command. Drop your stone, you who have sin but would cast the first one.
The frightening part is that if I truly looked, it is not one stone but a pocketful that I carry, bearing me down, filling my hands with that which will sink me if I do not release it.
I mentioned that I had be reading a Christmas card from some family members of Himself, and found it interesting that Himself was not included in the description. Her response surprised me: "Why do you care? I've moved on from that - Why haven't you?"
That made me think - why am I still holding onto it?
And then the imagery came: I'm holding on to it because it represents something else - in this case, unforgiveness.
Right or wrong, I harbor feelings of hurt. My response is not to let go, but to hold it, polish it in my sweaty clenched hand and cool cotton pocket until it is a small cold black stone, ready to be pulled out in that moment when it becomes useful.
Which is of course ironic, given the reason for the season. Christ came to enable the reconciliation of man to God - I, with my cold stone, wait as a lone sentinel, ready to use it in unforgiveness.
Why do I clutch it to myself? I could make excuses, but the ugly truth is that I do it because I feel like I have a right. I feel - in some kind of bizarre, backwards way - that I am the aggrieved party.
But in order to take something, we have to let something go. One cannot both clutch and reach to grab with something in one's hand very effectively.
To drop the stone - ah, that seems like death itself. What of the right? What of my hurt -some real, some imagined? What about me?
That option is not given. "Forgive as God forgave you" is the command. Drop your stone, you who have sin but would cast the first one.
The frightening part is that if I truly looked, it is not one stone but a pocketful that I carry, bearing me down, filling my hands with that which will sink me if I do not release it.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The Last Christmas
Someday, there will be a last Christmas. Christ will return, and there will be no more Christmases - or perhaps, no more secular Christmas.
Christmas as we know it is almost a historical anomaly. The Jews of old did not know. Christians up to the early 20th century do not know it as we know it - in fact, they must look at wonder at what it has become.
How will we relate to those who have not experienced what the commercialism, the secularism was like?
How will the Incarnation be remembered in Heaven? With celebration of course -and we may even hear the stories of the principals involved.
But how much of what we now do will pass away as even a steel building does in the face of a hurricane, leaving nothing but beach and water? Knowing that, how much of what we make Christmas is contained in that building?
Can we explain to those who truly know the meaning of Christmas how we held Christmas? Will we say it with pride or shame?
The Last Christmas will come, eclipsed by the Second Coming. If this were the last Christmas, would you be ready?
Christmas as we know it is almost a historical anomaly. The Jews of old did not know. Christians up to the early 20th century do not know it as we know it - in fact, they must look at wonder at what it has become.
How will we relate to those who have not experienced what the commercialism, the secularism was like?
How will the Incarnation be remembered in Heaven? With celebration of course -and we may even hear the stories of the principals involved.
But how much of what we now do will pass away as even a steel building does in the face of a hurricane, leaving nothing but beach and water? Knowing that, how much of what we make Christmas is contained in that building?
Can we explain to those who truly know the meaning of Christmas how we held Christmas? Will we say it with pride or shame?
The Last Christmas will come, eclipsed by the Second Coming. If this were the last Christmas, would you be ready?
Monday, December 22, 2008
All about me
Wandering through this Christmas season, bouncing off seasonal glitter and rainy weather, trying my darnedest to get at something other than the sappy sentimentality of the season, has made realize one thing, at least: that so often, the biggest foe I have to fight is myself. Even the things we think we should be about.
Case in point: from time to time, I go through a period of time where I doubt my salvation. Not feeling saved, thinking "Am I saved? I should feel 'saved', right? Right?" I'll spend days wandering around in this kind of no man's land of the possibly saved, looking through books, looking through my Bible, looking for some kind of confidence builder (again) that I am. Saved, that is.
But as I was pondering, as I have been more and more over the years, about the focus of Christmas - about being on Christ, not on things - it suddenly hit me that for too much of life, I tend to focus on me. Even spiritualizing seemingly spiritual sounding problems.
It makes me realize the emphasis that Christ and the apostle Paul put on self denial, on self discipline and self control. Not there is anything spiritual per se about self control, but that it trains one to deny ones'self, to get the focus off fulfilling the flesh in even seemingly allowable things. As we deny ourselves for a greater good, we train ourselves to focus on God and His word rather than on pleasing ourselves first and foremost.
Even in spiritual things.
What I realized is that this incessant gazing at myself for the status of my salvation is just another way of making about me, rather than about God. Have questions about the state of my salvation? It's all there, in the Bible. The question is, do I take God at His word, or do I insist that He bend to my need to "feel" saved? Accepting the salvation of God, resting on His assurances give all the glory to Him. Constantly nattering on about the status of my salvation, filling some sort of emotional need to make me feel better, keeps the focus on me, not God.
I try to it on Christmas. How about the other 364 days of the year?
Case in point: from time to time, I go through a period of time where I doubt my salvation. Not feeling saved, thinking "Am I saved? I should feel 'saved', right? Right?" I'll spend days wandering around in this kind of no man's land of the possibly saved, looking through books, looking through my Bible, looking for some kind of confidence builder (again) that I am. Saved, that is.
But as I was pondering, as I have been more and more over the years, about the focus of Christmas - about being on Christ, not on things - it suddenly hit me that for too much of life, I tend to focus on me. Even spiritualizing seemingly spiritual sounding problems.
It makes me realize the emphasis that Christ and the apostle Paul put on self denial, on self discipline and self control. Not there is anything spiritual per se about self control, but that it trains one to deny ones'self, to get the focus off fulfilling the flesh in even seemingly allowable things. As we deny ourselves for a greater good, we train ourselves to focus on God and His word rather than on pleasing ourselves first and foremost.
Even in spiritual things.
What I realized is that this incessant gazing at myself for the status of my salvation is just another way of making about me, rather than about God. Have questions about the state of my salvation? It's all there, in the Bible. The question is, do I take God at His word, or do I insist that He bend to my need to "feel" saved? Accepting the salvation of God, resting on His assurances give all the glory to Him. Constantly nattering on about the status of my salvation, filling some sort of emotional need to make me feel better, keeps the focus on me, not God.
I try to it on Christmas. How about the other 364 days of the year?
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Smart Technology
This weekend we got the movie WALL-E (by Pixar) to watch. It's one of those I am sorry that I did not see in the theater.
It is a grand movie - one, arguably on balance, is probably worthy of an Oscar as all of the elements - plot, characters, music, effects, impact - are as well balanced as one could hope to find in any movie.
However, it sparked a thought (one of many, really - another sign of a good movie) about the use of technology. Essentially, technology was developed to the point that people did nothing for themselves, including live their lives: affected by microgravity, they had become overweight blobs, never walking, sitting in anti-grav lounger that took them everywhere with a telescreen in front of their faces and speakers on either side of their heads which controlled all input. Robots did everything. It is only as they return to Earth and embrace a physical life (as the credits show) that they achieve some kind of balance with technology.
Smart Technology (SmarTech? Probably already been copyrighted) is something which hits home now perhaps more than ever with recent economic developments. We develop technology to improve our lives, but what are the other effects of that improvement? A simple one, suggested by one of my favorite authors Gene Logsdon, is that we increased technology to free people from the "physical drudgery" ( a term Logsdon has problems with) of farming. The result: Fewer farmers, more monocropping, less local dependence of foods (up to the current economic crisis, it was apparently cheaper to ship lamb from New Zealand than buy it locally in California), and a population which has become far more overweight and less active, prompting the development of "health clubs" where we have to set aside time (money and resources too) to exercise - something the work was doing by itself.
Or to paraphrase Michael Crichton in Jurassic Park, "We always ask if we can do it. We never ask should we do it."
I write this as a closet Luddite, who tends to disdain the use of new technology partially from seeing and experiencing the wrong horse (Betamax anyone? Or maybe the Apple IIe?). What has occurred to me is that in fact, I have let my commercial disdain for investing in a new technology until proven affect my willingness to at least accept and investigate new technologies, and instead of thinking "How can I adapt this to what I am currently doing? Does it make sense? Does it improve my life - the totality of my life, not just making things easier?" I think "Just another thing to go wrong" or "Something else which is not useful". Yes, not all technology is useful - but neither is it all to be rejected out of hand.
Robotic technology is a fine example of this. We adapt robots to do what we cannot or will not do - but do we replace that with something useful for the people to do? Just because robots can do a lot things, should they do a lot of things?
I don't know that my thoughts are fully developed on this - indeed, I am getting together my 2009 goal list, and this could be a worthy year's study. Still, the basic question remains: we may have an opportunity in this economic downturn to fundamentally change how we do life and economy (and no, I'm not talking any sort of politics. Both parties have demonstrated that government is the most blunt, least effective tool of change. Like everything else, it will have to be us). Can we take it? Do we take it?
I'm off - ironically, to take a class in Adobe Acrobat 8 - talk about your cool technology....
It is a grand movie - one, arguably on balance, is probably worthy of an Oscar as all of the elements - plot, characters, music, effects, impact - are as well balanced as one could hope to find in any movie.
However, it sparked a thought (one of many, really - another sign of a good movie) about the use of technology. Essentially, technology was developed to the point that people did nothing for themselves, including live their lives: affected by microgravity, they had become overweight blobs, never walking, sitting in anti-grav lounger that took them everywhere with a telescreen in front of their faces and speakers on either side of their heads which controlled all input. Robots did everything. It is only as they return to Earth and embrace a physical life (as the credits show) that they achieve some kind of balance with technology.
Smart Technology (SmarTech? Probably already been copyrighted) is something which hits home now perhaps more than ever with recent economic developments. We develop technology to improve our lives, but what are the other effects of that improvement? A simple one, suggested by one of my favorite authors Gene Logsdon, is that we increased technology to free people from the "physical drudgery" ( a term Logsdon has problems with) of farming. The result: Fewer farmers, more monocropping, less local dependence of foods (up to the current economic crisis, it was apparently cheaper to ship lamb from New Zealand than buy it locally in California), and a population which has become far more overweight and less active, prompting the development of "health clubs" where we have to set aside time (money and resources too) to exercise - something the work was doing by itself.
Or to paraphrase Michael Crichton in Jurassic Park, "We always ask if we can do it. We never ask should we do it."
I write this as a closet Luddite, who tends to disdain the use of new technology partially from seeing and experiencing the wrong horse (Betamax anyone? Or maybe the Apple IIe?). What has occurred to me is that in fact, I have let my commercial disdain for investing in a new technology until proven affect my willingness to at least accept and investigate new technologies, and instead of thinking "How can I adapt this to what I am currently doing? Does it make sense? Does it improve my life - the totality of my life, not just making things easier?" I think "Just another thing to go wrong" or "Something else which is not useful". Yes, not all technology is useful - but neither is it all to be rejected out of hand.
Robotic technology is a fine example of this. We adapt robots to do what we cannot or will not do - but do we replace that with something useful for the people to do? Just because robots can do a lot things, should they do a lot of things?
I don't know that my thoughts are fully developed on this - indeed, I am getting together my 2009 goal list, and this could be a worthy year's study. Still, the basic question remains: we may have an opportunity in this economic downturn to fundamentally change how we do life and economy (and no, I'm not talking any sort of politics. Both parties have demonstrated that government is the most blunt, least effective tool of change. Like everything else, it will have to be us). Can we take it? Do we take it?
I'm off - ironically, to take a class in Adobe Acrobat 8 - talk about your cool technology....
Monday, December 15, 2008
Prayer Request
A prayer request from Am Polleaneach: her son's family, within the month (maybe even this week or next) is moving from their current home in San Diego to up near Vancouver, Washington. The whole deal, which includes a home purchase by Am Polleaneach and Le Quebecois for their retirement as well, has come about relatively suddenly, but providentially by the hand of God. Pray for them, that the trip and move would be safe and that they would become plugged in to a support group quickly.
And, of course, pray for Uisdean Ruadh. It's his first day of work.
And, of course, pray for Uisdean Ruadh. It's his first day of work.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Uisdean Ruadh II
An answered prayer and a great thank you: I received a call from Uisdean Ruadh last night. After almost four months, he has become re-employed, starting Monday. On behalf of him, thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during this period.
As the Watchman on the Wall program always says, "God is still on the throne, and prayer changes things." Thanks for praying and caring!
As the Watchman on the Wall program always says, "God is still on the throne, and prayer changes things." Thanks for praying and caring!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Christmas Parties
This year is the first in a number of years where I will not be having the Office Christmas Party
It's an interesting trend of the industry that I've been in, one that really mirrors the state of the economy. When I initially entered the industry (1996), we had a cafeteria with a chef, free cereal, and regular Friday gatherings with adult beverages and snacks. Of the first company, Christmas Parties were lavish affairs, with entire clubs being rented with themes (Monte Carlo night, etc.). Money was plentiful and such things were seen as "necessary" to keep productive people motivated.
The tech bubble burst in '01-02 did not affect my industry. Our parties were a little reduced, but we still had large buildings - and good food - to boot. Gone, of course, were the cafeterias and the Friday gatherings, but at least we had the Christmas Party to look forward too.
Even at my last company, they did good Christmas Parties - maybe not nearly as exotic or themed, but special enough that they are something folks looked forward to next year.
This time around, given the economy and the size of the company that I work for, this will not be the case.
Not that I miss it, you understand. Yes, they're fun, but they're like the fabulous vacation you get every now and again that is really great, but does not reflect the bulk of your vacations, which are far less fabulous but fun none the less. They make for great memories - but also for a sort of wistful call of the past, a vanished world that will probably never come again.
It's an interesting trend of the industry that I've been in, one that really mirrors the state of the economy. When I initially entered the industry (1996), we had a cafeteria with a chef, free cereal, and regular Friday gatherings with adult beverages and snacks. Of the first company, Christmas Parties were lavish affairs, with entire clubs being rented with themes (Monte Carlo night, etc.). Money was plentiful and such things were seen as "necessary" to keep productive people motivated.
The tech bubble burst in '01-02 did not affect my industry. Our parties were a little reduced, but we still had large buildings - and good food - to boot. Gone, of course, were the cafeterias and the Friday gatherings, but at least we had the Christmas Party to look forward too.
Even at my last company, they did good Christmas Parties - maybe not nearly as exotic or themed, but special enough that they are something folks looked forward to next year.
This time around, given the economy and the size of the company that I work for, this will not be the case.
Not that I miss it, you understand. Yes, they're fun, but they're like the fabulous vacation you get every now and again that is really great, but does not reflect the bulk of your vacations, which are far less fabulous but fun none the less. They make for great memories - but also for a sort of wistful call of the past, a vanished world that will probably never come again.
Fear
In speaking with Otis this evening, I think he hit on at least part of the sense of my malaise: for the first time in a great deal of years, I'm afraid during the holiday season.
Economically related, of course - yet I can't remember the last time that Christmas was tinged with a halo of doom around it. Never, at least in my memory, has such discussions ranged around layoffs so close to Christmas - not in the tens or thousands, but in the tens of thousands.
Perhaps I'm feeling it personally as well. My previous company was announced as purchased today - which always worries me for those I know there. My current company had their board meeting today, with what I believe are significant changes to how the company operates (significant in the sense of "last throw of the dice" significant).
It either causes, adds to, or heightens whatever else I was feeling, making it more difficult to concentrate on the holiday season. But again, is this foreign to what Mary and Joseph knew: a land occupied by the Romans, traveling a long road with no idea where they would stay, having a child in an animal stable, called by God when they could explain it to no-one else? Fear? Surely they felt their share of it, even as they saw the face of the Creator that night.
Perhaps this Christmas will be closer to the first, in that sense, than any other in my life.
Economically related, of course - yet I can't remember the last time that Christmas was tinged with a halo of doom around it. Never, at least in my memory, has such discussions ranged around layoffs so close to Christmas - not in the tens or thousands, but in the tens of thousands.
Perhaps I'm feeling it personally as well. My previous company was announced as purchased today - which always worries me for those I know there. My current company had their board meeting today, with what I believe are significant changes to how the company operates (significant in the sense of "last throw of the dice" significant).
It either causes, adds to, or heightens whatever else I was feeling, making it more difficult to concentrate on the holiday season. But again, is this foreign to what Mary and Joseph knew: a land occupied by the Romans, traveling a long road with no idea where they would stay, having a child in an animal stable, called by God when they could explain it to no-one else? Fear? Surely they felt their share of it, even as they saw the face of the Creator that night.
Perhaps this Christmas will be closer to the first, in that sense, than any other in my life.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Advent
One of the greater failings (in my humble opinion) of the Evangelical church movement (non-denominational, of which I am a member) is that we don't do the season of Advent. Growing up Episcopalian and Lutheran, Advent was something that became anticipated - I'm sure as a child, mostly because it meant that Christmas was right around the corner, but also because it built anticipation for the event itself.
I say to our detriment because the darkness of Advent makes the brightness of Christmas all that more brilliant. As an Evangelical, Christmas just sort of comes one Sunday - we sing a few carols, have the children do a small program, and then it's here. There's none of the more traditional anticipation, done through the mechanism of Advent, as Sunday by Sunday the Advent wreath reflects the physical (and our spiritual) journey to Bethlehem.
I'm stuck this fall (more so than others, I think) of darkness - darkness of nature, and darkness of soul. I alluded to this to An Polleaneach yesterday - a sort of malaise where I have little interest in doing anything, a sense of going through the motions of life without zest. She responded that she too was experiencing the same thing.
I wonder if that is not a proper thing for Advent. We anticipate the coming of the Messiah, but we do it in the background of 400 years of silence after Malachi. In fact, in Malachi some of God's very last words to Israel are to look - to look for Elijah before the coming great and terrible day of the Lord (Malachi 4:5). Like the Jews of that era, waiting through the darkness of the times towards hope, so Advent, with its seasonal darkness, cold, and wet, gives me pause to reflect in silence on both the promises of God and His return, seen through His arrival in the manager at Bethlehem.
I wonder as well, if at this season, we are called - at least I am called - to use this period of waiting to look at our lives. Earlier this month, I lamented the fact that Christmas always seems to rush by in a hurry. I wonder if my malaise is simply God's way of saying "Take a minute and look at your life in the light of Me. What are you doing? Why are you doing it? Are you letting the good take the place of the best?"
I say to our detriment because the darkness of Advent makes the brightness of Christmas all that more brilliant. As an Evangelical, Christmas just sort of comes one Sunday - we sing a few carols, have the children do a small program, and then it's here. There's none of the more traditional anticipation, done through the mechanism of Advent, as Sunday by Sunday the Advent wreath reflects the physical (and our spiritual) journey to Bethlehem.
I'm stuck this fall (more so than others, I think) of darkness - darkness of nature, and darkness of soul. I alluded to this to An Polleaneach yesterday - a sort of malaise where I have little interest in doing anything, a sense of going through the motions of life without zest. She responded that she too was experiencing the same thing.
I wonder if that is not a proper thing for Advent. We anticipate the coming of the Messiah, but we do it in the background of 400 years of silence after Malachi. In fact, in Malachi some of God's very last words to Israel are to look - to look for Elijah before the coming great and terrible day of the Lord (Malachi 4:5). Like the Jews of that era, waiting through the darkness of the times towards hope, so Advent, with its seasonal darkness, cold, and wet, gives me pause to reflect in silence on both the promises of God and His return, seen through His arrival in the manager at Bethlehem.
I wonder as well, if at this season, we are called - at least I am called - to use this period of waiting to look at our lives. Earlier this month, I lamented the fact that Christmas always seems to rush by in a hurry. I wonder if my malaise is simply God's way of saying "Take a minute and look at your life in the light of Me. What are you doing? Why are you doing it? Are you letting the good take the place of the best?"
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Impatience
Nothing like the Christmas season to make one reflect on one's failings.
I'm impatient. I'm impatient with everything. Tonight, in my annual battle with Christmas lights and the tree, I went from being seasonably festive to curt and grumpy and relatively short order.
Why? The simple answer would be that I don't put lights on the tree very well. The more complex answer is the depths of my selfishness.
Impatience, at least to me, would seem to stem from a lack of getting my own way. I want things my way - and I want them that way now. I want my life to be pleasant. I want my children to be obedient, my job to be engaging (and well paying), my lights to go on my tree painlessly (and be full), never to meet with an obstacle.
Why? Because to have my will subverted - in small things or big - is for the little "me" of my world to be denied, thwarted.
I think as we get older, we are more prone to this simply because we have more parts of our lives that we can control. We can make many decisions on our own: what we wear, where we live, what we eat, much of what we do. It makes the thwarting of our wills all the more angering: if I'm an adult, I should be able to control most things that directly affect me. The fact that I can't is only a matter of scale: dictators attack enemies that do not bow to them, I grump at lights that won't go on a tree.
Given the chance, I might try to execute the lights as well...
I'm impatient. I'm impatient with everything. Tonight, in my annual battle with Christmas lights and the tree, I went from being seasonably festive to curt and grumpy and relatively short order.
Why? The simple answer would be that I don't put lights on the tree very well. The more complex answer is the depths of my selfishness.
Impatience, at least to me, would seem to stem from a lack of getting my own way. I want things my way - and I want them that way now. I want my life to be pleasant. I want my children to be obedient, my job to be engaging (and well paying), my lights to go on my tree painlessly (and be full), never to meet with an obstacle.
Why? Because to have my will subverted - in small things or big - is for the little "me" of my world to be denied, thwarted.
I think as we get older, we are more prone to this simply because we have more parts of our lives that we can control. We can make many decisions on our own: what we wear, where we live, what we eat, much of what we do. It makes the thwarting of our wills all the more angering: if I'm an adult, I should be able to control most things that directly affect me. The fact that I can't is only a matter of scale: dictators attack enemies that do not bow to them, I grump at lights that won't go on a tree.
Given the chance, I might try to execute the lights as well...
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Trophy and Self Will
Two thoughts:
1) "I am called to live in such a perfect relationship with God that my life produces a yearning for God in the lives of others, not an admiration for myself. Thoughts about myself hinder my usefulness to God. God's purpose is not to perfect me to make me trophy in His showcase; He is getting me to the place where He can use me. Let Him do what He wants" - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, Dec. 2
2)"VERSE: Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. -- Romans 12:2
THOUGHT: Sooner or later we all have to make a decision: Will I be a nonconformist? Will I refuse to be squeezed into the mold of the world? (J.B. Phillips terminology.) Will I be part of a Christian counter-culture? (John R.W. Stott terminology.) Will I be God's own person, an alien and an exile in the world, put here to have a redemptive influence? (The apostle Peter's terminology.) Jesus simply calls us his disciples. Bottom line: until we are really ready to cross the line and live totally for the Lord, we're not going to be able to fully recognize God's will for us. There are no arm-chair quarterback Christians. There are no sideline disciples.There are no back-seat driver Christians. We either chose the Lordship of Jesus, or else we reject it. So what's your decision?" - www.heartlight.org, December 2, 2008
I can't add much to the thoughts above except to say: Where does my devotion lie? Especially now, at this time of year, am I to seeking to be a trophy on a shelf, or to be so committed to the Lord and what He is doing ("cross the line and live totally for the Lord") that if He said "Stay where you are, for life, doing what your doing, and glorify Me" I would willing say "Yes"?
1) "I am called to live in such a perfect relationship with God that my life produces a yearning for God in the lives of others, not an admiration for myself. Thoughts about myself hinder my usefulness to God. God's purpose is not to perfect me to make me trophy in His showcase; He is getting me to the place where He can use me. Let Him do what He wants" - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, Dec. 2
2)"VERSE: Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. -- Romans 12:2
THOUGHT: Sooner or later we all have to make a decision: Will I be a nonconformist? Will I refuse to be squeezed into the mold of the world? (J.B. Phillips terminology.) Will I be part of a Christian counter-culture? (John R.W. Stott terminology.) Will I be God's own person, an alien and an exile in the world, put here to have a redemptive influence? (The apostle Peter's terminology.) Jesus simply calls us his disciples. Bottom line: until we are really ready to cross the line and live totally for the Lord, we're not going to be able to fully recognize God's will for us. There are no arm-chair quarterback Christians. There are no sideline disciples.There are no back-seat driver Christians. We either chose the Lordship of Jesus, or else we reject it. So what's your decision?" - www.heartlight.org, December 2, 2008
I can't add much to the thoughts above except to say: Where does my devotion lie? Especially now, at this time of year, am I to seeking to be a trophy on a shelf, or to be so committed to the Lord and what He is doing ("cross the line and live totally for the Lord") that if He said "Stay where you are, for life, doing what your doing, and glorify Me" I would willing say "Yes"?
Monday, December 01, 2008
Emmanuel
A Happy First Day of December.
I realized last night, as I sat up thinking, that as an adult, Christmas has become a very different thing than it was when I was a child. Mostly, the rush of the month - as an adult, December is the year end month for work, rushing to get everything taken care of and everyone goes out on vacation. Add to this that now more than ever, Christmas is the "uncelebrated" holiday season at places of employment, a thing of commercialism and occasional holiday trappings - but not of religion, oddly enough the thing for which the holiday was created (bosh on the idea of Saturnalia. Yes, the Christians adopted it but no, it has not been celebrated for what - 1700 years?)
But in reality, isn't that a microcosm of the reason for Christmas? Emmanuel, God with Us, came into a world in the midst of it: an occupied country, a very young mother and father on their way for a government accounting, in the middle of a trip somewhere else. It was not the time per se that made the celebration, but what occurred during that time that made it remarkable.
Do we have that Emmanuel experience now? If you're a believer, God is with you right now through His Son and His Spirit, even in the ordinariness of our lives. Do we act and believe like that - or do we let the crush of life interfere with it the same way we let it do with Christmas?
We live in hope, even as the Israelites live in hope: they from the back end looking forward, we also from the front end looking forward to Christ's second appearing. May the thought of God with Us change us every day, but especially in this season set aside for Him.
I realized last night, as I sat up thinking, that as an adult, Christmas has become a very different thing than it was when I was a child. Mostly, the rush of the month - as an adult, December is the year end month for work, rushing to get everything taken care of and everyone goes out on vacation. Add to this that now more than ever, Christmas is the "uncelebrated" holiday season at places of employment, a thing of commercialism and occasional holiday trappings - but not of religion, oddly enough the thing for which the holiday was created (bosh on the idea of Saturnalia. Yes, the Christians adopted it but no, it has not been celebrated for what - 1700 years?)
But in reality, isn't that a microcosm of the reason for Christmas? Emmanuel, God with Us, came into a world in the midst of it: an occupied country, a very young mother and father on their way for a government accounting, in the middle of a trip somewhere else. It was not the time per se that made the celebration, but what occurred during that time that made it remarkable.
Do we have that Emmanuel experience now? If you're a believer, God is with you right now through His Son and His Spirit, even in the ordinariness of our lives. Do we act and believe like that - or do we let the crush of life interfere with it the same way we let it do with Christmas?
We live in hope, even as the Israelites live in hope: they from the back end looking forward, we also from the front end looking forward to Christ's second appearing. May the thought of God with Us change us every day, but especially in this season set aside for Him.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Doing and Trusting God
I had a second epiphany this week (two in a month - Wow!) about what it means to live for Christ. If you'll recall in A Credible Witness, part of my conclusion was that it is not necessarily what we do, but how we live during what we do that makes us a credible witness for the power of God.
But in doing the things we do, I realized there is another level in which we can glorify God: by trusting Him with the result.
For all of my belief in altruism, the fact is that more often than not, I do things not such much just for reward of doing good as to (in some form or fashion) further my own agenda. Sometimes it is necessary, to be sure: to move things forward, it does not behoove us to make fools of people or their work and then ask them to support our program. None the less, I am hard pressed to think of times where I have truly done something purely out of love of God - or put another way, doing things without ulterior motives and leaving the results of God.
Like a flash, suddenly something I have never understood before came to mind: Brother Lawerence and The Practice of the Presence of God.
Brother Lawerence of the Resurrection was a 17th Century Carmelite monk outside of Paris; the collection of writing by and about him, called The Practice of the Presence of God (just enter the title on Amazon; there are a great many editions), discusses his philosophy and experience. He is often quoted as a mystic or an alternative to liturgical Christianity.
I had always struggled with some of his thought process, of doing things to God alone, or to quote Conversations 2 about him: "But having resolved to make the love of God the end of all his actions, he found this decision most satisfactory. That he was gratified when he could pick up a straw from the ground for the love of God, seeking Him alone and nothing else, not even His gifts."
But now I think I get it, although maybe not in the way it was intended: to live a credible witness to the Gospel and the existence of the God of the Bible, to truly place our trust in God (and both the Old and New Testament is littered with references trusting in God in ALL circumstances) - to do all this is to live in such a manner and way of the love of Christ that everything we do is not for some ulterior motive (a difference here between a planned course of action and steps and personal gain) but to do it because Christ would have us do it, trusting to Him to recompense the action (if not now, in heaven).
The benefits? We are free to act without looking for reward; we entrust any outcome to the God who richly rewards beyond anything we can imagine; we give flesh to the agape love of God, that love that does the best for the other regardless of feeling; that we in some small way become Christlike.
How would our witness change if this was our modus operandi?
But in doing the things we do, I realized there is another level in which we can glorify God: by trusting Him with the result.
For all of my belief in altruism, the fact is that more often than not, I do things not such much just for reward of doing good as to (in some form or fashion) further my own agenda. Sometimes it is necessary, to be sure: to move things forward, it does not behoove us to make fools of people or their work and then ask them to support our program. None the less, I am hard pressed to think of times where I have truly done something purely out of love of God - or put another way, doing things without ulterior motives and leaving the results of God.
Like a flash, suddenly something I have never understood before came to mind: Brother Lawerence and The Practice of the Presence of God.
Brother Lawerence of the Resurrection was a 17th Century Carmelite monk outside of Paris; the collection of writing by and about him, called The Practice of the Presence of God (just enter the title on Amazon; there are a great many editions), discusses his philosophy and experience. He is often quoted as a mystic or an alternative to liturgical Christianity.
I had always struggled with some of his thought process, of doing things to God alone, or to quote Conversations 2 about him: "But having resolved to make the love of God the end of all his actions, he found this decision most satisfactory. That he was gratified when he could pick up a straw from the ground for the love of God, seeking Him alone and nothing else, not even His gifts."
But now I think I get it, although maybe not in the way it was intended: to live a credible witness to the Gospel and the existence of the God of the Bible, to truly place our trust in God (and both the Old and New Testament is littered with references trusting in God in ALL circumstances) - to do all this is to live in such a manner and way of the love of Christ that everything we do is not for some ulterior motive (a difference here between a planned course of action and steps and personal gain) but to do it because Christ would have us do it, trusting to Him to recompense the action (if not now, in heaven).
The benefits? We are free to act without looking for reward; we entrust any outcome to the God who richly rewards beyond anything we can imagine; we give flesh to the agape love of God, that love that does the best for the other regardless of feeling; that we in some small way become Christlike.
How would our witness change if this was our modus operandi?
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Consecration and Sanctification
"We must never allow anything to interfere with the consecration of our spiritual power. Consecration (being dedicated to God's service) is our part; sanctification (being set apart from sin and being made holy) is God's part. We must make a deliberate determiantion to be interested in only what God is interested. The way to make that determination, when faced with a perplexing problem, is to ask yourself 'Is this the kind of thing in which Jesus Christ is interested, or is it something in which the spirit that is diametrically opposed to Jesus is interested?" - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, 27 November
I have never heard the definition between our role and God's role described more clearly, especially our role. Everyone is familiar with Philippians 2:12-13 "Therefore,my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works for you both to will and to do for His good pleasure". But I always stumble, as many have through the centuries, on that part about "work out your own salvation", as we are clearly saved by faith, not works.
But consecration - setting one's self apart for holiness, even as Paul commands Timothy in 2nd Timothy 2:20-21 "But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay, some for honor and some for dishonor. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from the the latter (TB: cleanse: throughly clean out, scrub out, completely purge) himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, sactified and useful for the Master, equipped for every good work" I get - just like I set aside some things for better things - or as Paul used several times in the New Testament, the image of an athlete training to win, setting aside all those things that do not contribute to his training.
And the measuring rod? Again, one probably most of us can intellectually understand but put into practice less than we should: is this something that Christ would be interested in, or that Satan would be interested in?
What was Christ interested in? Obeying the Father's will perfectly. Glorifying God in everything. Saving the souls of men and women from the wrath that is to come.
If I apply that same standard, how do I measure up? How do you?
I have never heard the definition between our role and God's role described more clearly, especially our role. Everyone is familiar with Philippians 2:12-13 "Therefore,my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works for you both to will and to do for His good pleasure". But I always stumble, as many have through the centuries, on that part about "work out your own salvation", as we are clearly saved by faith, not works.
But consecration - setting one's self apart for holiness, even as Paul commands Timothy in 2nd Timothy 2:20-21 "But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay, some for honor and some for dishonor. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from the the latter (TB: cleanse: throughly clean out, scrub out, completely purge) himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, sactified and useful for the Master, equipped for every good work" I get - just like I set aside some things for better things - or as Paul used several times in the New Testament, the image of an athlete training to win, setting aside all those things that do not contribute to his training.
And the measuring rod? Again, one probably most of us can intellectually understand but put into practice less than we should: is this something that Christ would be interested in, or that Satan would be interested in?
What was Christ interested in? Obeying the Father's will perfectly. Glorifying God in everything. Saving the souls of men and women from the wrath that is to come.
If I apply that same standard, how do I measure up? How do you?
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
A Dream
Someone appeared in my dreams last night - someone, as Gandalf says in The Two Towers, that that I did not expect to meet.
It was another one of those dreams which has essentially no basis in reality - my previous company was moving from one building to another, and for some reason or another, I had come to visit. Even the building they were moving from was not the current building.
At any rate, I was there amidst the bustle and chaos, looking to give something to someone - it didn't seem clear in the dream, and I don't know that it was important. Suddenly, amidst the half remembered or perceived faces, one came through: DT.
I have no idea why DT was so recognizable in a see of faces, only that she was. We exchanged some sort of minor pleasantries, and then off she went to co-ordinate part of the move. But I was curious - curious to the point that after the crowd disperse, I walked by her office and turned on the light to see what was in her office - again, the dream is too fuzzy to have specifics of what was there. It was only after I turned the light off and retreated lest I get noticed that I realized that the front of the office was visible from a hallway, and in fact anyone could have noticed me at any time.
There are two things that are of interest to me: The first is that one person would be so recognizable in a sea of fog and why that one person? The second is the end, and probably the more important part: the idea that something which I was trying to be secretive about was in fact readily noticeable to anyone looking.
It was another one of those dreams which has essentially no basis in reality - my previous company was moving from one building to another, and for some reason or another, I had come to visit. Even the building they were moving from was not the current building.
At any rate, I was there amidst the bustle and chaos, looking to give something to someone - it didn't seem clear in the dream, and I don't know that it was important. Suddenly, amidst the half remembered or perceived faces, one came through: DT.
I have no idea why DT was so recognizable in a see of faces, only that she was. We exchanged some sort of minor pleasantries, and then off she went to co-ordinate part of the move. But I was curious - curious to the point that after the crowd disperse, I walked by her office and turned on the light to see what was in her office - again, the dream is too fuzzy to have specifics of what was there. It was only after I turned the light off and retreated lest I get noticed that I realized that the front of the office was visible from a hallway, and in fact anyone could have noticed me at any time.
There are two things that are of interest to me: The first is that one person would be so recognizable in a sea of fog and why that one person? The second is the end, and probably the more important part: the idea that something which I was trying to be secretive about was in fact readily noticeable to anyone looking.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Truth
"The Elder, to the elect lady and her children, whom I love in truth, and not only I, but also all those who have known the truth, because of the truth which abides in us and will be with us forever: Grace, mercy and peace will be with you from the Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of the Father, in truth and love.
I rejoiced greatly that I have found some of your children walking in the truth, as we received commandment from the Father." - 2nd John 1-4
The above, from 2nd John, in brief covers that which he covered in 1 John, and indeed the words of Christ the beloved apostle recorded: The importance of living and believing the truth.
As Christians, we serve a God of truth, who is Himself Truth personified. Nothing of Him is false - not His words, not His actions. As He is truth, so he expects us to walk in truth - "as obedient children, not conforming to the former lusts, as in your ignorance, but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written 'Be holy, for I am holy.'" (1st Peter 1: 14-16).
The catch is, I am mostly not a person of truth.
Why are we not people of truth? Not just speaking the truth (which is itself difficult enough), but embodying the truth of Christ and His gospel? The world often derides and ignores us, not because our message is not clear, but because we do not do the very things we say that our God commands others to - in a very real sense, we give lie to the "truth" that we claim not only to believe, but base our eternal hope on.
This creates a problem: we, living behind half lies and half truths, give lie to the claims we have about a God who has the only Truth - roughly equivalent to the salesperson who uses a competitors' product. We proclaim that which, by our lives, we apparently do not believe is enough to base our lives on.
What would it look like if we lived truly to the convictions we have in Christ? Would our lives change only a little bit - or, with me, would there be such a change in my life that people would say I'm a different person?
What if Christianity was known for the truth of its adherents - both in word (to the point where if a Christian gave their word, no other guarantee would be necessary) and in deed (that when people read the Bible and the commands of God, they would see no difference between the commanded lives in Scripture and our lives)?
Why are we not people of Truth?
I rejoiced greatly that I have found some of your children walking in the truth, as we received commandment from the Father." - 2nd John 1-4
The above, from 2nd John, in brief covers that which he covered in 1 John, and indeed the words of Christ the beloved apostle recorded: The importance of living and believing the truth.
As Christians, we serve a God of truth, who is Himself Truth personified. Nothing of Him is false - not His words, not His actions. As He is truth, so he expects us to walk in truth - "as obedient children, not conforming to the former lusts, as in your ignorance, but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written 'Be holy, for I am holy.'" (1st Peter 1: 14-16).
The catch is, I am mostly not a person of truth.
Why are we not people of truth? Not just speaking the truth (which is itself difficult enough), but embodying the truth of Christ and His gospel? The world often derides and ignores us, not because our message is not clear, but because we do not do the very things we say that our God commands others to - in a very real sense, we give lie to the "truth" that we claim not only to believe, but base our eternal hope on.
This creates a problem: we, living behind half lies and half truths, give lie to the claims we have about a God who has the only Truth - roughly equivalent to the salesperson who uses a competitors' product. We proclaim that which, by our lives, we apparently do not believe is enough to base our lives on.
What would it look like if we lived truly to the convictions we have in Christ? Would our lives change only a little bit - or, with me, would there be such a change in my life that people would say I'm a different person?
What if Christianity was known for the truth of its adherents - both in word (to the point where if a Christian gave their word, no other guarantee would be necessary) and in deed (that when people read the Bible and the commands of God, they would see no difference between the commanded lives in Scripture and our lives)?
Why are we not people of Truth?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
A Credible Witness
I had a thought this week as I drove to work - it was the Holy Spirit, as it was not any connection I had previously made, or ever could made.
Any who read this site on a regular basis know that I have struggled - often - with my career field in life, chosen more by accident than design. My one foray since choosing it - The Firm - only led me back to it. What I've grappled with, as I have continued in it, is the thought of using the talents and abilities God has given me to best glorify Him, which this industry does not seem to do for me.
The thought that came was simply this: I am to work at whatever I do, whatever position I'm in, in such a way that God is glorified; more specifically, such that my Christian witness is credible.
The thought that got me here was, oddly enough, the Internet at work: If my manager, after I had been noticed surfing, came to me with Colossians 3:23 ("And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men") after I had proclaimed my faith in Christ and said "If you believe, why aren't you doing this?", I would be stuck, and my testimony to Christ fruitless.
In a way, it's a relief: it doesn't matter what I do, only that I do it as well as I can. Do I have talents and abilities? Yes. Should I seek to develop them in such a way as to best glorify God? Absolutely. But the primary core is that I demonstrate Christ as being credible by how I live and exist, not just in the relatively rare occurrence's when those gifts are used.
Think about it: This Monday, when we go to work, we make Christ credible or not credible by how we act and what we do - What could be a higher calling?
Any who read this site on a regular basis know that I have struggled - often - with my career field in life, chosen more by accident than design. My one foray since choosing it - The Firm - only led me back to it. What I've grappled with, as I have continued in it, is the thought of using the talents and abilities God has given me to best glorify Him, which this industry does not seem to do for me.
The thought that came was simply this: I am to work at whatever I do, whatever position I'm in, in such a way that God is glorified; more specifically, such that my Christian witness is credible.
The thought that got me here was, oddly enough, the Internet at work: If my manager, after I had been noticed surfing, came to me with Colossians 3:23 ("And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men") after I had proclaimed my faith in Christ and said "If you believe, why aren't you doing this?", I would be stuck, and my testimony to Christ fruitless.
In a way, it's a relief: it doesn't matter what I do, only that I do it as well as I can. Do I have talents and abilities? Yes. Should I seek to develop them in such a way as to best glorify God? Absolutely. But the primary core is that I demonstrate Christ as being credible by how I live and exist, not just in the relatively rare occurrence's when those gifts are used.
Think about it: This Monday, when we go to work, we make Christ credible or not credible by how we act and what we do - What could be a higher calling?
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Liar, Liar
I realized yesterday that I am suffering from a cognitive form of self-illusion e.g., I've been lying to myself. The truth is, my (and our) life for the last 4 years (this October, but really for 4.5 years) has been built on a carefully constructed financial lie, that we could afford the lifestyle we have.
The short story is that when we purchased the house we currently live in, we got a no-document loan (a loan in which you state an income without any evidence of having it). It was not a big deal, because after all, I was now working for The Firm, and success was just around the corner!
The reality is, I never made as much as I said I would on that loan document (in point of fact, my income dropped below what I made in my previous industry by doing real estate). Even now, three years after quitting The Firm, I am still not there.
I mention this because it came to my attention last night another lie I have been pawning off on myself: that of my career.
As I had mentioned (last month, I believe) - I had the possibility to do something I have dreamed of for a long time. Unfortunately, it required an investment that I did not have at the time. I have been hoping against hope that something would come through -but, related to the first item above, the reality is that a financially self deluded lifestyle does not allow for things like this. Nor, I think, is God willing to reward disobedience.
What I realized, as I sat down to write the letter asking for a later reconsideration, is that I knew that this is what I should do - just like I knew, at one time, that I should be in the pastorate.
That story, an entirely separate one, caused me to review my letter of rejection from the Synod last week. In it, as I looked through it from the vantage point of 9 years later, gives me a different view than I had thought -that really, in their view, there was very little belief that I should ever enter the ministry full time.
The same thing came up two years ago, when after being in a study program for church eldership, I was essentially told "Not at this time". My first reaction, as my reaction 9 years ago, was anger - Here I was, someone who I thought was qualified (and who knew better than me!), being denied the opportunity to use my talents and my gifts!
Note the pronouns: I, my. Surprised I didn't append "for my glory" there.
The reality is, for any formal church ministry or for the opportunity I am putting on hold, where did I get the idea that it was my calling, my destiny to do these things? How did I come to understand this?
The reality is that God has provided me with a very financially rewarding and occasionally intellectually challenging career field. But, since it is not my primary field of interest (or even secondary, for that matter), I get "bored" with it and try and find anything to do but it. This can range from not mentally being "there" during work to that scourge of this present age, Surfing the 'Net.
What would happen if I simply did what I had been provided with - as Paul says in Colossians 3:23, "What you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men" or as Solomon says in Ecclesiastes 9:10 "What ever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might..." What restrains me?
Simply put, it's pride - the sense that I know better than God what my talents and gifts are and what I should be doing with them, instead of using them in the time and place of God's choosing. Do I truly treat Him as Lord, submitting in all things and waiting on His timing while I do what He has given me to do, or do I seek to use what He has given me to magnify myself and my life, and if I glorify Him, that's good too?
I believe it was attributed to GK Chesterson "Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has never been tried." What would happen if I truly submitted to Christ, died to self, and was truly content with where he placed me? Probably not what I would wish to happen, true - but perhaps something different and better?
The short story is that when we purchased the house we currently live in, we got a no-document loan (a loan in which you state an income without any evidence of having it). It was not a big deal, because after all, I was now working for The Firm, and success was just around the corner!
The reality is, I never made as much as I said I would on that loan document (in point of fact, my income dropped below what I made in my previous industry by doing real estate). Even now, three years after quitting The Firm, I am still not there.
I mention this because it came to my attention last night another lie I have been pawning off on myself: that of my career.
As I had mentioned (last month, I believe) - I had the possibility to do something I have dreamed of for a long time. Unfortunately, it required an investment that I did not have at the time. I have been hoping against hope that something would come through -but, related to the first item above, the reality is that a financially self deluded lifestyle does not allow for things like this. Nor, I think, is God willing to reward disobedience.
What I realized, as I sat down to write the letter asking for a later reconsideration, is that I knew that this is what I should do - just like I knew, at one time, that I should be in the pastorate.
That story, an entirely separate one, caused me to review my letter of rejection from the Synod last week. In it, as I looked through it from the vantage point of 9 years later, gives me a different view than I had thought -that really, in their view, there was very little belief that I should ever enter the ministry full time.
The same thing came up two years ago, when after being in a study program for church eldership, I was essentially told "Not at this time". My first reaction, as my reaction 9 years ago, was anger - Here I was, someone who I thought was qualified (and who knew better than me!), being denied the opportunity to use my talents and my gifts!
Note the pronouns: I, my. Surprised I didn't append "for my glory" there.
The reality is, for any formal church ministry or for the opportunity I am putting on hold, where did I get the idea that it was my calling, my destiny to do these things? How did I come to understand this?
The reality is that God has provided me with a very financially rewarding and occasionally intellectually challenging career field. But, since it is not my primary field of interest (or even secondary, for that matter), I get "bored" with it and try and find anything to do but it. This can range from not mentally being "there" during work to that scourge of this present age, Surfing the 'Net.
What would happen if I simply did what I had been provided with - as Paul says in Colossians 3:23, "What you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men" or as Solomon says in Ecclesiastes 9:10 "What ever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might..." What restrains me?
Simply put, it's pride - the sense that I know better than God what my talents and gifts are and what I should be doing with them, instead of using them in the time and place of God's choosing. Do I truly treat Him as Lord, submitting in all things and waiting on His timing while I do what He has given me to do, or do I seek to use what He has given me to magnify myself and my life, and if I glorify Him, that's good too?
I believe it was attributed to GK Chesterson "Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has never been tried." What would happen if I truly submitted to Christ, died to self, and was truly content with where he placed me? Probably not what I would wish to happen, true - but perhaps something different and better?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Faith
Yesterday's post stuck in my mind all night. Where is my confidence? Where is my firm trust and belief? How much do I truly believe in God?
As understand it, the idea of faith as discussed in the New Testament is that of putting your entire weight on something - if it doesn't hold up, down you fall. In a bit of irony (to me, anyway), it is readily apparent to believe, to have faith in, to have my only hope in, Christ as the Son of God and my only salvation not only because of the truth of Scripture and God's existence, but because if you look at the sin and how it is paid in the Old Testament and the justice of God, there is no other way.
The irony is the things that are not the belief in salvation - if you will, the practical matters of life. Paul says in 2nd Timothy 3:16-17 "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work"- but how often do I try to do anything but what Scripture says in my day to day existence. For example, in Colossians 3:23-24 it says "Whatever your task, work at it heartily, as serving the Lord and not men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance: it is the Lord Christ you are serving." - but how often at work do I slack back because it feels as if my work is not recognized or rewarded?
I can extend this to many parts of my life: leading my family, finances, prayer, witnessing through my words and life, even doing what Scripture calls me to to become more Christlike. Am I really so proud and so hardened that I feel that God is unable - or unwilling - to honor His word because, in a prideful humility, I feel I am "too small" to matter in those ways to Him? It's God honoring His Word and glorifying Himself through it - I'm just the vehicle which it occurs through. Am I willing to have faith in His word and accept my role and His grace with humility and trust?
As understand it, the idea of faith as discussed in the New Testament is that of putting your entire weight on something - if it doesn't hold up, down you fall. In a bit of irony (to me, anyway), it is readily apparent to believe, to have faith in, to have my only hope in, Christ as the Son of God and my only salvation not only because of the truth of Scripture and God's existence, but because if you look at the sin and how it is paid in the Old Testament and the justice of God, there is no other way.
The irony is the things that are not the belief in salvation - if you will, the practical matters of life. Paul says in 2nd Timothy 3:16-17 "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work"- but how often do I try to do anything but what Scripture says in my day to day existence. For example, in Colossians 3:23-24 it says "Whatever your task, work at it heartily, as serving the Lord and not men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance: it is the Lord Christ you are serving." - but how often at work do I slack back because it feels as if my work is not recognized or rewarded?
I can extend this to many parts of my life: leading my family, finances, prayer, witnessing through my words and life, even doing what Scripture calls me to to become more Christlike. Am I really so proud and so hardened that I feel that God is unable - or unwilling - to honor His word because, in a prideful humility, I feel I am "too small" to matter in those ways to Him? It's God honoring His Word and glorifying Himself through it - I'm just the vehicle which it occurs through. Am I willing to have faith in His word and accept my role and His grace with humility and trust?
Obeying God and Believing Promises
"By the discipline of obedience I get to the place where Abraham was and I see Who God is. I never have a real God until I have come face to face with Him in Jesus Christ, then I know that "in all the world, my God, there is none but Thee, there is none but Thee." The promises of God are of no value to us until by obedience we understand the nature of God. We read some things in the Bible three hundred and sixty-five times and they mean nothing to us, then all of a sudden we see what God means, because in some particular we have obeyed God, and instantly His nature is opened up. "All the promises of God in Him are yea, and in Him Amen." The "yea" must be born of obedience; when by the obedience of our lives we say "Amen" to a promise, then that promise is ours. " - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, 17 November
The line that catches me above is bolded. Can it really be that simple? Surely, every student of the Bible has had that moment where all of a sudden something jumps out at you, makes sense in a way that it never has before - but I don't know that I've ever made a connection between my obedience and making the connection with God's spirit.
But why should that surprise me? God predicates rewards based on obedience - from salvation (being obedient and believing that His Son is the only means of salvation) to wisdom and knowledge ("The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction" - Proverbs 1:7). God's riches, both physical and spiritual, can only flow when we are obedient to His will.
If that is the case, why don't I seek to be obedient more? You'd think if this was really understood that obeying God according to His word (not what we think His word says) resulted in His nature opening up to us (Imagine - in some way knowing the nature of God!), then we as individuals and a church would be bursting down the doors to hear His Word preached, and neglecting all things worldly and crass to spend more time in His Word.
But for me, isn't that rooted in the less than total belief that keeps His promises? I think I've told the story here of putting in 20 hour days to get a facility online, only to be rewarded with praises and little else. Sadly, in so many ways I've come to expect that people won't keep their promises. Maybe I think God won't either - but is that really because God isn't faithful, or because I don't really take him at His word and seek true, heartfelt obedience?
What would my life look like if I did?
The line that catches me above is bolded. Can it really be that simple? Surely, every student of the Bible has had that moment where all of a sudden something jumps out at you, makes sense in a way that it never has before - but I don't know that I've ever made a connection between my obedience and making the connection with God's spirit.
But why should that surprise me? God predicates rewards based on obedience - from salvation (being obedient and believing that His Son is the only means of salvation) to wisdom and knowledge ("The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction" - Proverbs 1:7). God's riches, both physical and spiritual, can only flow when we are obedient to His will.
If that is the case, why don't I seek to be obedient more? You'd think if this was really understood that obeying God according to His word (not what we think His word says) resulted in His nature opening up to us (Imagine - in some way knowing the nature of God!), then we as individuals and a church would be bursting down the doors to hear His Word preached, and neglecting all things worldly and crass to spend more time in His Word.
But for me, isn't that rooted in the less than total belief that keeps His promises? I think I've told the story here of putting in 20 hour days to get a facility online, only to be rewarded with praises and little else. Sadly, in so many ways I've come to expect that people won't keep their promises. Maybe I think God won't either - but is that really because God isn't faithful, or because I don't really take him at His word and seek true, heartfelt obedience?
What would my life look like if I did?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Motivators
"I stayed because every time you threw a brick at my head or said I smelled, it hurt, but it could never hurt more than it did every day of my life just being me." - Po, Kung Fu Panda
I had an epiphany today - an actual, legitimate event which radically altered how I looked at things. It was initiated by work, continued by Fry's, and completed by Kung Fu Panda.
At work, I have been overwhelmed - almost to tears at times - at the feeling of futility in my job. I do things, but they don't really seem to make in impact, or even be recognized. My nadir was on Thursday, when after modifying a document to be consistent with the format, I was asked to revise the font from 12 point Times New Roman to 10 point Helvetica. I screamed in the car at the triviality of my life on the way home.
1) What I do does not seem to motivate me to do more.
On Friday, I took a break at lunch and went to Fry's, the computer store. Every now and again, I am overcome by the need to look at computer games - although I consciously know they're a waste of time and not productive (and Heaven's sake, often not Christ honoring) I just get the urge to at least go look. I didn't find anything, but what I did wonder and ponder was why I could spend hours of time playing these games - or for that matter, doing well in college - and then it hit me: there was a clearly defined goal or endpoint. Adventures brought you experience and greater abilities; homework and study brought good grades. If I put in the time, that's what I got. A great counterpoint to revising font size and realizing there is only more of the same next week.
2) I can keep to the task if there is a known endpoint with recognized rewards.
If you've not seen Kung Fu Panda, you should -although it is billed as a children's movie, it is rife with adult thoughts and themes. At one point after the quote above by the main character Po, the teaching master Shifu realizes that he cannot train Po as he trained his other students. They were motivated by typically martial art motives; Po is motivated by food. It is only when he uses food that Po trains and masters Karate to get the food -and then realizes it was not the food he was after.
3) Different things motivate different people.
And then, the whole thing hit me like a safe on the head: I am not happy in my current career, and not feeling like I am making progress in so much of my life, because I am not setting the right motivators.
I like to clean. I like to have the dishes done. Why? Because I like to see results - pretty fast results - at the end of my work.
Honest to goodness, I like attention. I like being recognized. I like, if you will, a degree of performing and being noticed. I like to know if I put in the effort, it will make a difference, a discernible one. I like to be rewarded with physical things - as Moliere said, "There's no praise to beat the sort you can put in your pocket."
Yet when I look at my life, I find that all of the above is scarcely present. Certainly in my job function, I will probably never be recognized in this way, because my line of work never is. It's hard to be incentivised to work and succeed when it seems like all your money disappears as soon as you make it - what's the point of making more, when it will just be gone as well? And what's the point of working on things that are years out, when it seems like the things never get beyond year one?
What does this mean? Certainly nothing for my job at the moment, although maybe I do need to rethink my career field. I need to try this out, at least in my private goal life, and see if it is really true. If it works there, then it will work out anywhere in my life.
I hope so. I can't do font sizes forever.
I had an epiphany today - an actual, legitimate event which radically altered how I looked at things. It was initiated by work, continued by Fry's, and completed by Kung Fu Panda.
At work, I have been overwhelmed - almost to tears at times - at the feeling of futility in my job. I do things, but they don't really seem to make in impact, or even be recognized. My nadir was on Thursday, when after modifying a document to be consistent with the format, I was asked to revise the font from 12 point Times New Roman to 10 point Helvetica. I screamed in the car at the triviality of my life on the way home.
1) What I do does not seem to motivate me to do more.
On Friday, I took a break at lunch and went to Fry's, the computer store. Every now and again, I am overcome by the need to look at computer games - although I consciously know they're a waste of time and not productive (and Heaven's sake, often not Christ honoring) I just get the urge to at least go look. I didn't find anything, but what I did wonder and ponder was why I could spend hours of time playing these games - or for that matter, doing well in college - and then it hit me: there was a clearly defined goal or endpoint. Adventures brought you experience and greater abilities; homework and study brought good grades. If I put in the time, that's what I got. A great counterpoint to revising font size and realizing there is only more of the same next week.
2) I can keep to the task if there is a known endpoint with recognized rewards.
If you've not seen Kung Fu Panda, you should -although it is billed as a children's movie, it is rife with adult thoughts and themes. At one point after the quote above by the main character Po, the teaching master Shifu realizes that he cannot train Po as he trained his other students. They were motivated by typically martial art motives; Po is motivated by food. It is only when he uses food that Po trains and masters Karate to get the food -and then realizes it was not the food he was after.
3) Different things motivate different people.
And then, the whole thing hit me like a safe on the head: I am not happy in my current career, and not feeling like I am making progress in so much of my life, because I am not setting the right motivators.
I like to clean. I like to have the dishes done. Why? Because I like to see results - pretty fast results - at the end of my work.
Honest to goodness, I like attention. I like being recognized. I like, if you will, a degree of performing and being noticed. I like to know if I put in the effort, it will make a difference, a discernible one. I like to be rewarded with physical things - as Moliere said, "There's no praise to beat the sort you can put in your pocket."
Yet when I look at my life, I find that all of the above is scarcely present. Certainly in my job function, I will probably never be recognized in this way, because my line of work never is. It's hard to be incentivised to work and succeed when it seems like all your money disappears as soon as you make it - what's the point of making more, when it will just be gone as well? And what's the point of working on things that are years out, when it seems like the things never get beyond year one?
What does this mean? Certainly nothing for my job at the moment, although maybe I do need to rethink my career field. I need to try this out, at least in my private goal life, and see if it is really true. If it works there, then it will work out anywhere in my life.
I hope so. I can't do font sizes forever.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Moldy Beeswax
Last weekend my father gave me a bucket of beeswax he'd culled from various frames and hives - probably about 5 lbs of material. I rendered some at my parent's house but ran out time, so packed it up in a plastic bag to bring home. It had been raining that day, so it was a little wet, but I thought "No big deal" and home it went.
This past Sunday, I went to get it, thinking "I have time now" - and lo, the entire pile was covered in mold. A week of wet, residual honey and bee parts, and dark, had combined to destroy any potential of getting anything out of it - after my father had labored to save it, to add insult to injury.
I felt miserable about it of course - but then I found myself making excuses. Why didn't I do it the Sunday when I got home? It only took a couple of hours - instead, I found reasons not to do it, to let it lie - and let it rot.
In my own life, this is true not only of beeswax, but of many things - things I do, opportunities I'm given. I am not a "Do it now" person. My excuse has always been if I act too soon, I end up making the wrong choice and having to redo it. True enough in limited circumstances, but not for the majority of life. More often, I think, or at least as often, opportunities need to be taken when offered they go bad.
But I found something worse than missing an opportunity: It's having an opportunity, or a resource, or a thing, saved up thinking "I"ll get to this later" only to find, when you have time or when you need it, that the opportunity to has gone bad.
Obedience is always rewarded; disobedience is not. How many times has God presented me with an opportunity and I have put it aside "for later"? God graciously gives us opportunities to participate in the rewards He has planned for us in heaven - but how often do we turn it aside because I'm too busy, I'm too lazy, etc.? Spiritual opportunities are the most transient of all: once they're gone, they seldom return.
Just for fun, take every opportunity you are given today. Do every one, even it you reach point where you realize you don't have to do it or it is not relevant. See what God will do.
This past Sunday, I went to get it, thinking "I have time now" - and lo, the entire pile was covered in mold. A week of wet, residual honey and bee parts, and dark, had combined to destroy any potential of getting anything out of it - after my father had labored to save it, to add insult to injury.
I felt miserable about it of course - but then I found myself making excuses. Why didn't I do it the Sunday when I got home? It only took a couple of hours - instead, I found reasons not to do it, to let it lie - and let it rot.
In my own life, this is true not only of beeswax, but of many things - things I do, opportunities I'm given. I am not a "Do it now" person. My excuse has always been if I act too soon, I end up making the wrong choice and having to redo it. True enough in limited circumstances, but not for the majority of life. More often, I think, or at least as often, opportunities need to be taken when offered they go bad.
But I found something worse than missing an opportunity: It's having an opportunity, or a resource, or a thing, saved up thinking "I"ll get to this later" only to find, when you have time or when you need it, that the opportunity to has gone bad.
Obedience is always rewarded; disobedience is not. How many times has God presented me with an opportunity and I have put it aside "for later"? God graciously gives us opportunities to participate in the rewards He has planned for us in heaven - but how often do we turn it aside because I'm too busy, I'm too lazy, etc.? Spiritual opportunities are the most transient of all: once they're gone, they seldom return.
Just for fun, take every opportunity you are given today. Do every one, even it you reach point where you realize you don't have to do it or it is not relevant. See what God will do.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Baruch
"The word that Jeremiah the prophet spoke to Baruch the son of Neriah, when he had written these words in a book at the instruction of Jeremiah, in the fourth year of Jehoiakim the son of Josiah, king of Judah, saying, 'Thus says the the LORD, the God of Israel, to you, O Baruch: 'You said, 'Woe is me now! For the LORD has added grief to my sorrow. I fainted in my sighing, and I find no rest.' '
'Thus you shall say to him, 'Thus says the LORD: 'Behold, what I have built I will break down, and what I have planted I will pluck up, that is, this whole land. And do you seek great things for yourself? Do not seek them; for behold, I will bring adversity on all flesh,' says the LORD. 'But I will give your life to you as a prize in all places, wherever you go.' ' " - Jeremiah 45
This chapter has always fascinated me - partially because of who it is spoken to, and partially because of what God says.
Servants of the prophets were hardly ever addressed in Scripture: the two I can think of in this light are Gehazi, the servant of Elisha (who had a poor ending -2 Kings 5) and Baruch. One can imagine that it would be a heady thing to be servant to a prophet of the Lord, yet at the same time hard - the Lord had words for others, does He have nothing for me?
Did Baruch expect God to answer Him? I'm guessing not - at least, it sounds like the kind of thing that I would say to myself! - that sort of whiny, grumbling, "Woe is me, doesn't anybody care?"
But then the unexpected happens to Baruch - God, through the prophet Jeremiah, directly responds to him. It is always an awesome thing, and often a frightening thing, when God responds directly to us - it suddenly reveals and reminds us that in reality, we are always in the presence of God, that He truly does hear and see all, and that nothing we do is hidden from Him.
And what does God address? Baruch's concern for himself. We don't know what he was thinking. From the date of the prophecy (605 B.C.) and the cross reference in Chapter 36, this may have been around the time when Baruch had read the prophecies of Jeremiah concerning the destruction of Jerusalem, and King Jehoiakim, as the prophecy was read to him, cut off bits of the scroll and threw them into the fire, thus insuring the wrath of God upon Him and His house. It may also have been around the time of the first Deportation of the Jews to Babylon under Nebuchadnezzar (2 Kings 24) (including Daniel and his friends - historical note). All of a sudden, gripped by the reality of the current and coming judgement, Baruch bewails his lot: "Woe is me!"
I have had this moment - maybe you have too, where all of a sudden the circumstances change and all your plans and dreams shift radically. Or maybe you wake up one morning, and suddenly realize that your opinion of your own gifts and talents and place in God's economy are wrong. You've been "wasted" or "exiled" to something of seemingly no importance.
How does God respond to Baruch - to us? With grace. He reminds Baruch of what is important. Is he seeking great things for himself? Why? - when the milieu he would seek them in was to be destroyed within 20 years - almost as if to say, don't build your empires on the sand. His great dreams were to come to naught.
But then God comforts him as well. Even though he is going to destroy the world as Baruch knew it, with the destruction of the kingdom of Judah and Jerusalem and the end of the temple system - approximately 800 years of Jewish presence in the Promised Land -God promises Baruch that he will continue live "wherever you go", whether into death, captivity, or exile. It is enough, given the circumstances, to be content to live, knowing that God continues to watch over and protect him, and will continue to hear him, even as he did when Baruch mourned.
John MacArthur says "Baruch had his expectations far too high, and that made the disasters harder to bear." Be assured of God's care, and be careful that we set our hopes, goals, and expectations according to God's plans, not our own.
'Thus you shall say to him, 'Thus says the LORD: 'Behold, what I have built I will break down, and what I have planted I will pluck up, that is, this whole land. And do you seek great things for yourself? Do not seek them; for behold, I will bring adversity on all flesh,' says the LORD. 'But I will give your life to you as a prize in all places, wherever you go.' ' " - Jeremiah 45
This chapter has always fascinated me - partially because of who it is spoken to, and partially because of what God says.
Servants of the prophets were hardly ever addressed in Scripture: the two I can think of in this light are Gehazi, the servant of Elisha (who had a poor ending -2 Kings 5) and Baruch. One can imagine that it would be a heady thing to be servant to a prophet of the Lord, yet at the same time hard - the Lord had words for others, does He have nothing for me?
Did Baruch expect God to answer Him? I'm guessing not - at least, it sounds like the kind of thing that I would say to myself! - that sort of whiny, grumbling, "Woe is me, doesn't anybody care?"
But then the unexpected happens to Baruch - God, through the prophet Jeremiah, directly responds to him. It is always an awesome thing, and often a frightening thing, when God responds directly to us - it suddenly reveals and reminds us that in reality, we are always in the presence of God, that He truly does hear and see all, and that nothing we do is hidden from Him.
And what does God address? Baruch's concern for himself. We don't know what he was thinking. From the date of the prophecy (605 B.C.) and the cross reference in Chapter 36, this may have been around the time when Baruch had read the prophecies of Jeremiah concerning the destruction of Jerusalem, and King Jehoiakim, as the prophecy was read to him, cut off bits of the scroll and threw them into the fire, thus insuring the wrath of God upon Him and His house. It may also have been around the time of the first Deportation of the Jews to Babylon under Nebuchadnezzar (2 Kings 24) (including Daniel and his friends - historical note). All of a sudden, gripped by the reality of the current and coming judgement, Baruch bewails his lot: "Woe is me!"
I have had this moment - maybe you have too, where all of a sudden the circumstances change and all your plans and dreams shift radically. Or maybe you wake up one morning, and suddenly realize that your opinion of your own gifts and talents and place in God's economy are wrong. You've been "wasted" or "exiled" to something of seemingly no importance.
How does God respond to Baruch - to us? With grace. He reminds Baruch of what is important. Is he seeking great things for himself? Why? - when the milieu he would seek them in was to be destroyed within 20 years - almost as if to say, don't build your empires on the sand. His great dreams were to come to naught.
But then God comforts him as well. Even though he is going to destroy the world as Baruch knew it, with the destruction of the kingdom of Judah and Jerusalem and the end of the temple system - approximately 800 years of Jewish presence in the Promised Land -God promises Baruch that he will continue live "wherever you go", whether into death, captivity, or exile. It is enough, given the circumstances, to be content to live, knowing that God continues to watch over and protect him, and will continue to hear him, even as he did when Baruch mourned.
John MacArthur says "Baruch had his expectations far too high, and that made the disasters harder to bear." Be assured of God's care, and be careful that we set our hopes, goals, and expectations according to God's plans, not our own.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Breaking Hearts
"The first thing God does with us is to get us based on rugged Reality until we do not care what becomes of us individually as long as He gets His way for the purpose of His Redemption. Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, and says - "Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine." If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart. " - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 1st
When I graduated from College (slightly before the earth cooled), I attended a six week study session in Budapest, Hungary. It was quite an experience, as Hungary had just emerged from the Iron Curtain. Included in the party was a young woman to whom I (ever the romantic at time) feel for. We dated, I visited her home (her parents lived in Munich), and then flew back determined to have one of those long distance relationships that worked (she was in Chicago, I was in Chicago).
During the ensuing 2 months, things took their usual course that being apart and young does - until that one splendid day when she called, asking me to come out for some large gala ball. Of course, I accepted, excited. The Romantic was thrilled beyond belief.
Until I got there. Then, I discovered that much like high school dances, sometimes you go because you asked someone and it is too late to call it off, not because you want to go with them. Thankfully, I got to spend the whole weekend in this wretched state, including a wonderful afternoon walking in the cold biting wind by Lake Michigan, simply because I didn't have anywhere to go.
I panicked -calling, writing, calling - until the day (I remember it clearly) when I got here phone answering service which included, as part of the greeting, a comment for me basically telling me "Bug the heck off!"
I was crushed - so much so, that I actually buried the experience and iced it over, like a hockey pond over a meadow, and never analyzed it fully. Part of me died that day. Certainly, the Romantic was crushed, only to ever rise as a shadow of his former self.
This smacked me across the face this morning as I caught up on my meditations. "Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks?" asks Chambers. He proposes that through these heartbreaks, "God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son". But in reading this, I realized that we have a choice when these heartbreaks come.
On the one hand, we can choose to bury the pain and react from the flesh, trying to cover over the hurt or make it better - often to the detriment of ourselves. Without a doubt, most of the bad decisions I made in that 2 year period until I met the Ravishing Mrs. TB were attempts to find that Romantic. But the Romantic was largely gone, any actions on his behalf a sort of walking wake.
On the other hand, we can do as Chambers suggests: realize that God is breaking our heart so that we can enter fellowship with Him. He reveals all that is not Him to us so that we can seek the Giver, not the Gift. There was nothing wrong inherently with the Romantic, except his goal: he sought earthly love, while God wanted those feelings of beauty and passion to be exercised first with Him, then with those around the Romantic in service to Him.
God wants us to be about His purposes in the world, not our own agendas. We accept that for goals, but how often do we apply it our entire person? Is my whole person - heart, mind and soul -about how I can conform to His will and Word?
When I graduated from College (slightly before the earth cooled), I attended a six week study session in Budapest, Hungary. It was quite an experience, as Hungary had just emerged from the Iron Curtain. Included in the party was a young woman to whom I (ever the romantic at time) feel for. We dated, I visited her home (her parents lived in Munich), and then flew back determined to have one of those long distance relationships that worked (she was in Chicago, I was in Chicago).
During the ensuing 2 months, things took their usual course that being apart and young does - until that one splendid day when she called, asking me to come out for some large gala ball. Of course, I accepted, excited. The Romantic was thrilled beyond belief.
Until I got there. Then, I discovered that much like high school dances, sometimes you go because you asked someone and it is too late to call it off, not because you want to go with them. Thankfully, I got to spend the whole weekend in this wretched state, including a wonderful afternoon walking in the cold biting wind by Lake Michigan, simply because I didn't have anywhere to go.
I panicked -calling, writing, calling - until the day (I remember it clearly) when I got here phone answering service which included, as part of the greeting, a comment for me basically telling me "Bug the heck off!"
I was crushed - so much so, that I actually buried the experience and iced it over, like a hockey pond over a meadow, and never analyzed it fully. Part of me died that day. Certainly, the Romantic was crushed, only to ever rise as a shadow of his former self.
This smacked me across the face this morning as I caught up on my meditations. "Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks?" asks Chambers. He proposes that through these heartbreaks, "God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son". But in reading this, I realized that we have a choice when these heartbreaks come.
On the one hand, we can choose to bury the pain and react from the flesh, trying to cover over the hurt or make it better - often to the detriment of ourselves. Without a doubt, most of the bad decisions I made in that 2 year period until I met the Ravishing Mrs. TB were attempts to find that Romantic. But the Romantic was largely gone, any actions on his behalf a sort of walking wake.
On the other hand, we can do as Chambers suggests: realize that God is breaking our heart so that we can enter fellowship with Him. He reveals all that is not Him to us so that we can seek the Giver, not the Gift. There was nothing wrong inherently with the Romantic, except his goal: he sought earthly love, while God wanted those feelings of beauty and passion to be exercised first with Him, then with those around the Romantic in service to Him.
God wants us to be about His purposes in the world, not our own agendas. We accept that for goals, but how often do we apply it our entire person? Is my whole person - heart, mind and soul -about how I can conform to His will and Word?
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