The Collapse CXCII: An Apology

 20 November 20XX+1

My Dear Lucilius:

I lack excuses for not writing you.

I could come up with “reasons”: The rabbits ate my power cord (except there is no power). We had more snow (but I am effectively bound here anyway). I threw out my back getting out bed (thankfully, not the case).

The reality is I do not enjoy writing about things because writing reminds me of them.

You may remember a time perhaps 50 years ago or more now when we sat up late (as teenage boys will do), speculating on the end of the world. What would happen? Who would we “let in” to our world? Would it be a Road Warrior Apocalypse or something equally laden with black leather and spikes with roving motorcycle bands making war against resource settlements armed with flamethrowers and fuel? Amusing enough and – given the day – better than the alternative visions offered up by things like “Threads” and “The Day After”.

The actual events have been a great deal different, of course. One could argue the lack of spikes and leather make for a slightly less fashionable sort of event, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Has anything changed in the intervening weeks? No. The Winter is still here. The sides that have been established have only hardened themselves in resolution; the only positive outcome is – thanks to the weather – people do not have the energy or willingness to engage in much other than staying warm and surviving. Once upon a time campaign season used to be during weather that did not require additional efforts to stay warm and fed; such times may be on us again.

Perhaps the most exhausting thing has simply been people.

I can confess this to you Lucilius; you are far removed from this situation and know none of the individuals involved. What I find myself being reminded of – repeatedly – is how draining the position of leadership is.

It has been years since I have been “in charge” of anyone; managing people in my career was more of something that happened, not something I sought out. But simply being in the position of “leader” puts you in a position of being seen as a decision maker and resource, even if neither of the items are actually true.

And so, people are present.

I have made an effort to go out every day and see at least some portion of what constitutes this community. And while people are gracious and down to earth – thankfully, no fast talkers or false speakers here – they have...all kinds of inputs. Questions. Requests. Suggestions (many suggestions). Even at least one person with thoughts about how I am doing a less than stellar job.

It is exhausting.

My “family – I put that it quotes, but I have to acknowledge the fact that this is what they really are – have been spectacular. Young Xerxes and Stateira have fielded many questions and concerns both during our visits and even when I am not there. Pompeia Paulina – even in the last week – has sent more than one wisdom speaker at the door on their way with the admonition that I needed my time as well.

I am grateful for all of this, Lucilius. I find myself barely able to think, let alone plan. And planning, it strikes me, is the one thing I a “leader” (still in quotes; I find ridiculous I am considered one) should be about.

There is an old saying that states that one should never offer leadership to someone that craves it. The fact that it is true is no comfort to me as I sit here, staring at another flurry of snow with the remnants of an after dinner tea in my hand in the gathering darkness that is all too early.

At least Mad Max had a V8 Interceptor.

Your Obedient Servant, Seneca