Monday, May 20, 2024

Post Funeral Finalities

This was an exhausting weekend.

The service for my mother went well on Saturday.  All of our immediate family was able to be there, as was a number of family friends and some of her teaching friends (I was honestly surprised at how many of them came).  The service itself was one that my mother would have likely approved of, the core of the Pastor's message being Psalm 23.  My eulogy - which after a some anonymization I will post as I did my father's - was generally well received.  People got up and shared memories, some of which I had never heard before.  After that, we retired for a light repast, making small talk with everyone and thanking them for coming.

Following that, of course, was what probably could have been called a light form of a wake at my sister's house.  All of her children and all of mine were there, along with my Uncle - her surviving sibling and, I think, the oldest member of this entire branch of the family - and my Aunt, his wife.  The Outdoorsman mixed drinks and we all had a good time simply being in each other's presence.

 
That said, yesterday I was completely wiped out:  emotionally, spiritually, mentally.

This was actually a little surprising to me.  I had underestimated the amount of energy it took to "be on" for effectively the whole day - an introvert by nature, I can shine like social star if I need to.  But that, plus being back at the house for the first time since February with the reality that other decisions are coming down the pike (and the simple fact this is longest I had not been there in almost 4 years), plus seeing my own family whom I have not seen in some cases since March or even Christmas - there was a lot of emotion there.  And emotion, at least for me in that amount, can be draining.


Long time readers will recognize these irises.  They are, I believe, actually taken from my material grandmother's garden.  My mother was a great lover of both daffodils and irises.  The daffodils I largely missed this year due to timing, but the irises were there to greet me.

The thing that came to me as I was driving back down to drop off the truck, trailing my family in the rental car, was the finality of things - and not just this, but other things as well. The biggest, of course, is  that my parents are gone with the harsh finality that life gives to such things.  There is no particular regret on my part - I had said what needed to be said and, as readers here will know, this was the curtain call of a tragedy that has been playing out for the last eight years.

But there was other finality as well.

There was a sense - a real sense - that even though I will go back to New Home next month to train and collect my things, it will not ever really be my "home" again.  Even my trips back there after June will be more and more constrained:  one likely in July to pick up the rabbits, perhaps one between then and when The Ravishing Mrs. TB likely moves in October, and then perhaps one of the two holidays of Christmas or New Year's.  After that, I will likely seldom go back at all except for events or possibly Iai training.

Another finality is the estate - not that anything is fully settled (I tried to avoid it on this of all weekends), but that it is now something that has to be actively dealt with and worked on.  Given working out some exigencies, the chances of renting it in the short term are probably low - good for me having to relocate stuff to the barn, a little less good for managing the house and its repairs.  And in a real way, the focal point shifts from New Home to there (not to mention, of course, working out how often I will be able to get there in the next six months to a year).

It was a great deal of change wrapped up into a single weekend. I had anticipated a funeral; what I got was the realization of the entire re-casting of my life.

10 comments:

  1. Anonymous7:44 AM

    After Mom passed away in June 2018, my brother continued to stay in the house. It took me about a year and half before I stopped referring to it as 'Mom's House'. It is now 'Our House (Brother and I). It is amazing how fast our perspective can change on the passing of a parent. We are now truly on our own.

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    1. Anon - The thing that surprises me is that - with Alzheimer's - my mother had not "been there" for some time. The same with my father, after he had his stroke: yes, he was physically there and was somewhat responsive to a visit, but I could not talk with him and update him the way I used to. The surprising thing is knowing that - that either way, the response is not there - this has hit me much harder.

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  2. As the old farmers in our area died off, my mom went out and collected some of their irises and replanted the bulbs in a bed behind the house. Every year we harvested from that bed to decorate graves on Memorial Day. It was always a sign of spring to me.

    After I got married, mom allowed my wife to dig up some of those and they were replanted at our previous house. After mom died, we dug up more and planted around this house. I hadn't thought much about them until about two days ago when I happened to stop and look at all those irises in full bloom waving in the light breeze. The memories of my mom nearly took me to my knees but I was able to stay standing. I'm so glad that my mom took such joy in those flowers and that my wife insisted on digging them up and bring some back with us where ever we have moved.

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    1. What a grand tradition and lovely story, Ed.

      Mom loved daffodils and poppies and irises and they were in abundance during our recent visit - which, of course, made me think of her.

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  3. Louisiana has a wild Iris in that color that looks much like it, but smaller.
    I do understand about crowds also. Quite stressful even if they are family. Sometimes that makes it more so.
    Hugs.
    You all be safe and God bless.

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    1. That is interesting, Linda. I have no idea where these iris are from beyond my grandmother's backyard.

      I can do the social extrovert thing. I am just exhausted afterwards.

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  4. Nylon1212:00 PM

    Memorial service, moving, new job, each one has significant impact on a person, all three at in a short period of time marks a major Milestone. Watching a loved one's memory slip away......really rough and heart wrenching. hanks for sharing this with us TB, God bless.

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    1. Nylon12, this has been the longest year ever - and it is only May!

      It does not move past my notice that next week will mark the one year anniversary of my final day at my employer three employers ago, the thing that essentially kicked a great deal of these sequence of events off.

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  5. You've had to endure a lot of change recently, big changes. Now so many things seem to be coming to an end. It's a lot for anybody.

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    1. Leigh, it was only a year (almost) since my first layoff officially started. It has been a very long road from there to here.

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