Control of Things

There is so much I am not in control of concerning my life.

I hate it.

When I say "so much", what I really seem to be saying to myself is the things that I really want to be in control of. The big things, like new jobs and raises and, in general, good things happening to me. Or the things that really impact me, like the decisions of others that have an influence on my life - wishing that I had a say in such things, or even that I was consulted for my input prior t the decision.

Alas, it is too often the case that none of this is true. I end up sitting on the sidelines, waiting in vain for input that is never requested or dealing with the consequence of a decision that I was never consulted on - or worst of all, simply waiting in a seemingly empty universe for something, anything, to happen.

What I do seem to get is ability to influence things which don't seem to matter very much. Small tasks which seem not even to happen themselves but require my involvement. Things like getting paperwork accomplished at work (which I have to get others to finish), or continually following up with someone, or even just accomplishing simple things around the house like raking leaves and mowing. Do I have complete control of these items? Yes, absolutely. Does it seem to make a difference in the vast scheme of things? No, not at all.

Why then is the universe structured in such a way?

I'm not sure. I guess one could posit that by learning to do small things which we can accomplish, we gain the "right" to influence bigger things. Possible I suppose, although that seems to suggest a progression of events which is too often not present.

One could also suggest that such an arrangement teaches us patience, to learn to wait for things (for the Christian, to wait upon God) until things happen in their own good time. This is possible as well, although the line between waiting and becoming inactive in the pursuit of that which needs to be done can be a thin one.

My best guess is simply that it is a training in the reality of life.

The reality is that we don't control large chunks of our lives. Take our physical being: we can eat well and exercise and sleep but we can't control when cancer appears or a genetic disease comes out of nowhere to strike us down. We can't control the weather around us that can lay waste to our homes and loved ones through wind and water. We certainly cannot control people, who often seem to hinder us or outright hurt us in ways that seem incomprehensible - we cannot make them call to offer us a job or companionship, and we certainly cannot make them change their minds. And ultimately, we cannot control the length of our lives: our death is a date unknown to virtually all of us and there is ultimately nothing we can do to extend it significantly beyond what it will be.

All of the issues we consider needful to control are, in fact, little issues in comparison with the very facts of life itself. What is a new job compared to the loss of one's home, the jolt of a random bonus compared to death? Could it be that God has established the universe this way to remind us that, ultimately, we are in control of very little?

I suppose it's comforting in an odd way - there are lots of things I can't control, but in reality I could have never controlled them anyway. The fact that I thought I could was an illusion based on a mistaken view of my own place in the universe. Accepting that there is much I cannot control frees me to focus on that which I can.

Perhaps the better thought would be to rejoice in the fact that I am given the ability to have an impact on anything at all.