Wall

There are days
where it simply doesn't feel
as if I can do anything right.

The day where,
after working for hours on something,
you realize you've really made
no progress at all.

There is nothing as depressing
as such a day:
you spend the rest of the evening in shock,
reviewing everything you did
and seeing it turn to ash.

And then, sighing,
you get up to start the day again.

Is it simply that you have missed something
that was there all along,
or that you are so mired in today
you cannot see tomorrow?

Crossroads of Skill and Time

I am coming to find myself at a crossroads.

I keep looking for the ability to succeed in areas that I know and am comfortable; what I am finding is those areas (for the most part) are simply crowding me out.

The Ravishing Mrs. TB said it best to a friend:  "It's not as if he doesn't have things he likes to do; it's just that he can't get paid for them."  True enough, I suppose - and it tracks with my thinking that more and more, success is truly achieved when you are doing what you want to be doing - and doing it well.

Can people succeed at doing what they don't like doing?  Of course they can - people do it every day.  But what I suspect - at least what is true in my own life - is that succeeding in something you don't really care for is like binding a heavy stone to your back and walking up a steep mountain.  You can make it of course, but you will be excessively exhausted when you do and probably not have enjoyed the journey.

Effort equals skill and skill leads to success.  But effort takes time and time to succeed - time to practice, time to learn - and it only comes freely when we find something we are willing to spend the time in.  When we find something that we enjoy.

I write "looking to succeed in areas I know that I am comfortable" because in the last few weeks it has become apparent that in some of those areas, I am simply not going to move forward.  I can expend additional effort in them but the chance that it will result in increased reward is slim to none.

And thus, I find myself at the crossroads.

I have (in the back of my head) occasional visions of what I could and would if I were succeeding in what I truly enjoyed.  They are sometimes wild to be sure and off the beaten path (although, I suppose, not off the path for anyone who knows me), but they are the sorts of things that putting effort into is no difficulty at all but rather a joy.  The sort of things that one springs out of bed to accomplish in the morning instead of dragging one's self out with a shudder.

The crossroads is coming.  How do I turn?

Deciding and 40 Miles

I'm trying to run farther.

The genesis of this is silly thing:  in a fit of "I can set a goal" on my electronic trainer program, I put in a goal of 40 mile in three weeks.  Not a big deal, right?  That didn't account for the New Home cold, where I missed some days (as I mistakenly figured that 30 F was too cold to run).  Suddenly,  I looked to the timing and realized I had only 43% completed with a week to go.  I calculated the difference - and found that, with a little pushing on my part, I could make it.

And so, starting yesterday, my mileage went up.

The biggest challenge I found is not that the distance is about twice what I usually run.  That's not so hard as I'm not running for time (now) - maybe that will come later.  The hardest challenge has actually been the fact that I am really running that far.

It comes down to mental decisions - something that I have pondered and noted before.  The decision that, before I even step on to the road, I am going to run the distance that I am going to run.

Knowing that decision up front makes the whole event a great deal easier.  Certainly there are places where I can step aside and pull back, that I can peel off early and go home to the cup of coffee that awaits me.  But I've decided in my mind that I am going to accomplish this thing, and so I am committed to doing it.

The remarkable thing, of course, is that life is no different.

We complete that which we set our minds to.  Think in your own life: what are those things which you did completely?  They are the things which you decided to do - up front, before you even began the thing. 

This is a critical step and one often missed.  How often have I done the opposite:  started an activity not deciding up front that I would finish it and then, when I get halfway through and am suddenly bored or tired or have lost interest, finding the way out prior to finishing.

Commitment is the key.

Does it have to be a written commitment?  Some writers would say yes - and maybe in some situations that is true.  Certainly I don't write down finishing my run in the morning - but I decide it in my head before I step out the door.

Will I make my running goal?  I don't know - even without a commitment, it is still a fair distance to make up.  But even in trying, I have found another key to success:  Decide before you Do.

Ungrateful and Contentious

     "And they (the children of Israel) journeyed from Elim, and all the congregation of the children of Israel came to the Wilderness of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after they departed from the land of Egypt.  Then the whole congregation of the children of Israel complained against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness.  And the children of Israel said to them "Oh, that we had died by the hand of the LORD in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat and when we ate bread to the full.  For you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger." - Exodus 16: 1-3

     "Then all the congregation of the children of Israel set out on their journey from the Wilderness of Sin, according to the commandment of the LORD, and camped in Rephidim, but there was no water for the people to drink.  Therefore the people contended with Moses and said, "Give us water, that we may drink.
      So Moses said to them, "Why do you contend with me?  Why do you tempt the LORD?"
     And the people thirsted there for water, and the people complained against Moses, and said "Why is it you have brought us out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and our livestock with thirst?"  - Exodus 17:1-3


We know the story, right?  The Children of Israel, that ungrateful lot of grumblers, complained their way across the Sinai until, in the height of their sin and grumbling, they were punished by God with denial into the Promised Land and 40 years of wandering until that generation died off.  Next slide, please, showing the Conquest of the Promised Land.

But wait?  Notice the chapter heading.  Only three chapters previously in Exodus 11-12 God freed the people from slavery and only 2 chapters earlier in Exodus 13 He parted the Red Sea.  We are not talking about a long period of time between one event and another.  This was only weeks, perhaps days, after God's miraculous actions.

And God abandoning them?  The Pillar of Fire went forth by night and the Pillar of Cloud by day, a visible presence of God's guidance and protection.  They were hardly alone.

Yet in spite of all this, they seem to act as if none of this had happened and that they are completely alone.  Instead of remaining in a place of gratitude, they attack God for failing to provide for them.

They attack.  Notice that.  They don't ask humbly, in faith.  They don't beg.  They demand, they contend:  "Give us!  You brought us here to kill us!"

We snicker a bit mentally perhaps, say "idiots" to ourselves, and read on.  But are we any different?  We have God's spirit within us.  We have His promise to always be with us.  We have His daily provisions for us.  Yet we are no different, screaming "Give us this" at the top of our lungs and demanding that God fulfill our needs in our ways instead of trusting in Him.

God guard us from ungrateful hearts and demanding spirits that fail to see His goodness and fail to trust in His provision

Turning from Sadness

"Therefore, my advice to you, friends,
is to turn aside from troubled and anxious reflection
on your own progress,
and escape to the easier paths of remembering the
good things God has done.
In this way, instead of becoming upset by thinking
about yourself,
you will find relief by turning your attention to
God...
Sorrow for sin is indeed a necessary thing,
but it should not prevail all the time.
On the contrary, it is necessary that happier
recollections of God's generosity
should counterbalance it,
lest the heart should become hardened through too
much sadness
and so perish in despair."

- Bernard of Clairvaux, The Way of Simplicity, Esther De Waal

70 Degrees

Sunny days belie
that it is January:
where has Winter gone?

Noto

Last night at Iaido class we practiced toho waza, a very simple (and very old) kata that was subsumed from another discipline.  It is a series of five simple kata involving the basic cuts.  Five kata, one hour - we got a lot of practice.  But for the first time I paid real attention to the noto.

Noto, in case you do not remember, is the simply act of sheathing the sword.  In motion, it simply consists of  wrapping the thumb and forefinger around the koiguchi (mouth of the scabbard), flipping the mune (back of the blade) over the koiguchi and the arm, pulling the ha (blade) back to the right until the kisaki (tip) drops into the koiguchi, and then inserting the blade to the tsuba (hilt).  The speed of the insertion can vary - last night, we practiced putting 2/3 of the ha in quickly and the last 1/3 in slowly.

As we practicing the kata - nukitsuke, kata, noto - I came to realize that there was something almost mystical about the noto -  a good one, anyway.

The noto in and of itself is not the main part of the attack and defense, nor is it the critical part of removing the blood from the ha (chibori); it is the final step of the kata, the end of the process.  It can be the most overlooked part of the exercise - after all, it is not a block or a cut.

But it is critical.  The angle the elbow, the hold of the hand on the tsuba (hilt), the plane of the blade and the scabbard (they should be perpendicular to the body, making a "T"), all are a part of the larger whole of the kata.  Without a good noto, the work of the rest is essentially undone.

The mystical comes from a noto well done.  There is a way the blade slides into the scabbard when the angle is just right - where it does not catch slightly on the inside of the scabbard due to a misalignment - that makes the entire move feel right.  The movement feels not so much as a separate motion as it does the completion of the entire action of the kata.  I cannot fully explain the feeling in a meaningful way - but it is something that if it is done right gives a sense like nothing else I have ever felt.

I have commented before that iaido is really just a preparation for life in a different fashion.  The same is true of noto - a reminder that every part of our lives - the ending of actions as well as the beginning - deserves our utmost attention and that an ending well done is no less important - perhaps even more so - than beginning well.

Cubed

Yesterday I relocated back to a cube.

This has been part of a larger move which will eventually see large portions of my area relocating to one space or another, a sort of corporate periodic migration which seems to occur from time to time as, driven by the call of efficiency or a new reporting structure or perhaps even just a fancy, people are uprooted from one workplace and move to another.

It's also odd because this will be the first time in almost 4 years that I've been in a cube - and many years longer since I've shared one with someone else.

I will not lie and say that it was not a bit odd yesterday.  It is odd to move your stuff from where you've been for almost four years - almost a cocoon of sorts, your safe office - to a place which is much smaller and where you feel much more exposed - in my case now, with my back to the entrance.  And even after you spend the hour readjusting your computer and your screens to get them right - although they won't really be right for another week or so - working there still seems odd:  what creatures of habit we become, that the perception of what is around our computer screen can affect how we work.  And the ambient noise is the most disturbing of all:  I went from no noise at all to the chatter of individuals around me, the hum of pieces of equipment I don't recognize, and the occasional "SLAM" of the door going outside as people leave.

It is not that the change bothers me per se, I suppose - I've maintained for a long time that work is not my home and wherever I sit is merely the location I happen to be at to do my work.  And supposedly good things will come out of this at the end, a reorganization that will make things more efficient.  The thing that does nag on me is the horrible sense that somehow I have been effectively demoted in the eyes of others - perhaps sort of a continuing sense that I - and my function - are considered to be of less importance than they were before.

The saddest part I suppose is the fact of moving from where I was.  There are a great many memories tied up in that office.  I spent time there rebuilding the understanding of QA by being a location for others to come and talk. At one time three of us were placed in tight quarters in that area; the camaraderie that was built there still lingers to this day.  Tears were shed, decisions to leave were made, in some cases lives really were affected in that office.  That part is gone now, dispersed to cubes with walls that fall short of the ceiling and doors that don't exist, a blip in the history of the company that has now passed with the wind.  

I am sure that I will get over such things - I always manage to and after all, nothing is forever.  Still, there is a lingering sense this morning that something has changed - something that was unique not just about where we were but how related - and that it will never be the same.

It will be much more like...work.

The Beauty of Holiness

"Worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness,
fear before Him, all the earth!" -Psalm 96:9

We are a people who are obsessed with beauty.  We (at least we in the US) spend millions each year on things to make us more beautiful, be they clothes or make-up or gyms.  We have entire temples - call them malls if you would like - that are dedicated to the proposition that beauty is something that can be purchased and arranged, if only we have the right things.  Our entertainment is also possessed by an insatiable thirst for beauty.  Stars are ranked on beauty; people watch the arrival of stars to award ceremonies purely for seeing how beautiful they appear.

This obsession with beauty has its dark side, of course.  For every beautiful person, there are many who are not.  Husbands will leave wives and wives husbands because they have found someone more beautiful.  And for those that are beautiful, there is a huge pressure to remain on top of the beauty curve, sometimes leading to destructive behaviors such as anorexia or drug addiction- or even worse.

So what do we make of a comment such as above, where we are commanded to worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness? 

What is the beauty of holiness anyway?  It surely cannot be something physical or corporeal - although we see the workings of such beauty in the world around us.  And it is surely not something which is widely recognized - for if it was, I am sure that our commercial society would find a way to market it.

It must be something beyond our ability to see, although not beyond our ability to comprehend as we are commanded to worship the Lord because of it. 

What is holiness? Ultimately it is the absence of sin.  It is what God is - pure, undefiled, without sin.

Can I imagine someone without sin?  Without a single attitude or action that does not honor God? Who never, ever does anything against the will of God?  Can I imagine myself even for 10 seconds being that way - not just by the absence of sinning (if I stand in a dark room and think nothing, I can do that) but by a total removal of the sin nature?

Imagine a being so pure that, like the beauty of an unspoiled natural setting, our hearts are lifted up simply because of the existence of such a thing.  Imagine the most beautiful natural scene that you have ever seen and how you felt - and then imagine that this existed in a Personality that interacted with you.

This, I think, is the beauty of holiness.

Holiness is not always attractive in our world, of course.  We do not see God on a daily basis - we see His people. And they are not only holy - no, let us personalize it: I am not always holy.  To the extent that I am not is the extent to which I fail to allow God to shine through me.  The extent to which I mar the beauty of holiness with the ugly of sin.  I am - as undoubtedly we all are - a marred imago Dei.  To look at any of us probably serves to not recommend holiness to anyone.

Which is why the psalmist directs us as he does.  Ultimately our hope and our source is not ourselves but rather the God who is perfect in all His ways.  Who is holy.  And Who through His holiness is beautiful, like the beauty of a red-gold sunset or the rugged beauty of the coast or the harsh cry of the hawk flying over the pines.

Worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness,
fear before Him, all the earth.

Compliment and Castigation

"I can live on a good compliment for two months" - Mark Twain

There is nothing - absolutely nothing - like the power of a compliment, especially a compliment which one did not expect to receive.  It is simply amazing how such a thing can radically change one's day.

The funny reaction that I noticed when it happened (and yes, I actually did get one) was my own interenally response.  There was an initial burst of "Wow, that's great!  Somebody got it and liked it", which was almost immediately followed a second burst of a dampening of the spirits and justification of why the compliment was really not that big a deal, sort of a "Well, I suppose so, but..."

It was fascinating to watch, this internal discussion of point and counterpoint that occured with myself, as if I was a third party observing from the outside:  the one person, happy and reveling in an earned reward, the other person reminding them how little they actually did to earn it and that it didn't really count anyway.  I do not know that I have often been conscious of this interaction - or that I could watch it as a third person.

As I mulled it over last night, what I came to realize is I tend to do this a great deal to myself:  I consistently find ways to make things like compliments small and find reasons why good things like that are either undeserved or simply not that big a deal.  That strikes me as very odd, considering the fact that those are the sorts of things that (at least I claim) I would like more of in my life.

I don't know that this sort of thing rises to the level of a true self hatred; it does not seem nearly that severe.  It just seems to be more of a grumbling presence, someone who has determined that it will not be happy and therefore all around it will not be happy either, a sort of dour companion that (if I think about it) I have had hanging around with me for a very long time.

I am thinking, perhaps, that it is time I gave this fellow a vacation and see what his replacement is like.

34 Farenheit

Running in the cold?
Maybe I'm crazy, but it
almost feels warm.

Dear Dr. Martin

Dear Dr. Martin:

I have recently received with interest a compilation of your Table Talks in the book Off  The Record with Martin Luther.  It is a summary of the conversations which occurred in your off moments - primarily at your dining table (thus the name), but also in other parts of your life - which others took the effort to capture.  I'm grateful to have the abridged version, as I learned that the original works constitute some six volumes.

First of all, thank you for be gracious enough for letting others capture your words.  There are many throughout history who have sought to control their image through their words and what they allowed others to say about them.  You were kind enough - or secure enough in yourself - to let the record stand as it was recorded.

In one way it is very difficult to read - 450 or more years have passed between when they were recorded and when I am reading them, and the world is (in many ways) a very different place.  My worldview is the output of things that you could have never envisioned at the time; your worldview is the product of things which I'm sure never made it into any history book.  And were we to meet today (we will meet someday, of course) we probably could not even speak:  my high German is different than your Saxon dialect, and the Latin you used as an international language is at best a broken form of communication for me.

But it is a pleasure - an extreme pleasure - to read your conversations.  It is amazing to me (so far as I can tell) about how honest you are - not just with your opinions, but with your inner thoughts as well.  You confess to anger and times of depression.  You have a great love for all children, especially children of your own.  You are bold in your opinions - perhaps sometimes too bold for my taste, but then again I was never threatened with death and had to go into hiding.  I also must confess (guiltily) that I enjoyed the story of your arguments with the town mayor for tearing down your heated tower study to build a town wall (I, too, would be grumpy as well).

I look forward to spending more time with you, and hope you will forgive the occasional questions which will inevitably arise.

Your Faithful Student,

Maighstir Toirdhealbheach Beucail

A Tire, A Screw and God

There is nothing more disheartening than looking out the window at work and seeing your car settling down on slowly leaking tire.  But there it was, no matter how I cocked my head at it.

Sighing, I went to grab my keys and re-park on the level area of the parking lot - a short 30 foot journey, but depression tends to add distance. I got out and started pulling out my jack and spare - which, it turns out, I've become very adept at doing over the last three years, seemingly having more flat tires in that time than all the previous years of driving.

The cold in the air probably sped along my efforts:  within 10 minutes I had the tire off, the tiny replacement back on, and the jack back in the car.  I walked back in but my mind was already moving to where I would get the tire fixed - I would have to leave early, of course, with no guarantee of what the cost would be.

So I pulled out an hour early to head back towards home.  The curse of the "doughnut" is, of course, that you really shouldn't go above 50 mph - which gives one even more time to think and grumble as you slowly make your way back home.

I arrived at the tire store and showed them the time.  We are a little busy, they said - it might take 30 or 45 minutes.  Fine,  I nodded, and went to sit in the waiting area amongst the stale coffee and History Channel to patiently wait.

About two hours later, I got the car back.

I started to snarl about the whole thing on the way home - the tire, the time - then I started to think of the actual events:

1)  My tire did not go flat until I reached work, so I did not have to change it while worrying about dodging traffic.

2)  The offending screw was directly on the top of the tire, allowing it to be repaired.

3)  I have a job where leaving an hour early is not an issue.

4)  The tire repair cost me nothing (apparently the hazard fee was worth it).

Does the whole event make me any happier?  Not really.  I still hate flat tires (although my changing speed has dramatically increased)?  But what it does, correctly, remind of is something that I posted last week from Bernard of Clairvaux:

"We are commended to gather up the fragments, lest they be lost,
which means that we are not to forget even the smallest benefits"

Even a tire and screw can be a potent reminder of the graciousness of God.

Day of Rest

Yesterday was a true day of rest.

I planned that way. As part of my revamping of goals and how I execute on them, I did some readjustment and some scheduling to ensure that Sunday by noon I would have accomplished everything that I hoped to accomplish for the day, leaving the afternoon available.  It turned out to be one of the most randomly frustrating things I have done in a long time.

Part of the issue was the fact that I had made some cheese in the morning and hoped to be done with it - which didn't happen.  I had to keep working with it all afternoon (note to self:  no cheese on Sundays).

Part of the issue was fact that my thigh and knee were not co-operating as I wish they would have, leaving me to a bit more inactivity than I would have like (note to self:  monitor your exercise a bit more to make sure you are not messing anything up).

But the biggest frustration?  Apparently I've lost the ability to be.

I found myself constantly trying to do other things:  I'd read something, then I'd immediately read something else.  My attention span flitted between three different books I have been reading - as well as the cheese on the back of my mind and anything else that seemed to wander through. 

So what is my assessment of my attempt at a day of rest?  Not very good, quite frankly.  My mind was a blur of activity, my body complained, and my attention kept getting split between a number of things, leaving it scarcely enough time to focus on any one thing.

A good learning experience, of course.  I intend to continue to work towards making Sundays more of day of rest and time with family. Like my goals for this year, I just need to work on learning how to execute on them.

Who knew a day of rest was so much work.

2013 - Two Weeks In

So - two weeks in, how is the goal structure going?

Interesting question.  The results I am seeing are not quite what I was expecting.

It seems that I have three categories the goals have fallen into:

1)  Things which, having set them, I am being very diligent in accomplishing.  This encompasses 9 goals or about 33%.

2) Things which, having set them, I am not yet regular in working towards.  This encompasses 11 goals or about 39%

3)  The remaining goals which I have taken no action at all on yet.  This encompasses 6 goals or about 28%.

Obviously, category one is going as well as can be expected.  Category three, for the most part, have not been worked on because there is no action I can take in the first two weeks of the year to move towards them.

It is the soft center that is of interest to me, that 39% which I have taken some action on but not regular action on.  What is it that hinders me from doing better on those and how can I move such things forward more towards completion?

One factor that seems to be playing in is time and scheduling.  For those items that I am actively making progress in, I have scheduled the activities into my day such that I do them approximately the same time every day.  It seems that at least some of those items in the soft center - especially those that need daily activities - suffer from the fact that I have not yet found a permanent schedule that allows me to schedule them in at a regular time to help me as a prompt to act.

Another factor is that some of the activities don't necessarily have many small tasks to move towards completion - they have perhaps a few infrequent things that may ramp up from time to time but most of the time stay at a single level.    Keeping track of these - and keeping motivated about them on a daily basis instead of only realizing once a week or so I didn't take action - is going to be a challenge.

Still, let us take things for what they are worth.  Doing something on at lest 72% of what I wanted to act on this year is far more than I could have hoped for.  With a little bit of tweaking I think I can move more into the "Take action every day" category.  That alone is cause for celebration.

Gratitude

Learn not to be tardy or sluggish in offering thanks
learn to offer thanks for each and every gift.
Take careful note, Scripture advises,
of what is set before you,
so that no gift of God,
great or moderate or small,
will be deprived of due thanksgiving.
We are even commended to gather up the fragments,
lest they be lost,
which means that we are not to forget even the
smallest benefit.
Ingratitude is the soul's enemy,
a voiding of merits,
dissipation of the virtues,
wasting of benefits.
Ingratitude is a burning wind
that dries up the source of love,
the dew of mercy,
the streams of grace.

- Bernard of Clairvaux, quoted in The Way of Simplicity:  The Cistercian Tradition by Esther De Waal

Acknowledgement

We were have a post-delayed Christmas lunch Pow-Wow around the Comppound, the sort of conversation which occurs when one is back but not quite ready to get back to work.  I commented in passing to Fear Beag that was nice to see so many people at the lunch table compared to some years past, when it has been so few.  I even noted that An Ghearmailteach was mentioned.  Both of them agreed, even noting in one case that someone that had never been mentioned - in a year - was noted.

I didn't think much of it until I was thinking later about the question of acknowledging people.  Suddenly I realized it for the insult that it was.

To acknowledge someone is not the same as to become their friend.  It is not the same as asking them to be part of your life.  It is, however, noted their existence and granting them the respect that one deserves for being and doing.  It matters more, of course, when the people in question are doing something for or around you from which you benefit directly or indirectly.

In wondering why this is, I wonder what it says about the people themselves.  Is it because they are uncomfortable?  Is it because they do not know what to say?  Or is it from a simple practice that unless someone is directly contributing to my life or my being, they are not worth notice?

It may seem like a minor point, but (having been on the other side of this multiple times) it is a matter of  greatest concern in situations where people live and work together.  There is a certain level of decorum that simply must be maintained if we are to function as a group.  Not acknowledging people - essentially pretending that they do not exist - does nothing towards accomplishing anything and certainly does not change the fact that they are actually there.  And believe me - people do notice.

The challenge for myself is to find that I do not fall into the same trap.

People exist - especially those doing something from which you benefit.  Take a moment to at least nod or say hi.  Just because they are not doing what you are doing does not mean they have no value.

Editing

I am going through the process of editing the manuscript that I generated in Nanowrimo 2013.

I have never much enjoyed editing.  I'm not really sure why - for that matter, I have never really wanted to re-read anything I have written after I am done with it.  In fact, it is almost to the point of being something of a phobia with me.

Why is this?  I'm not really sure.  Someone who feels that I suffer from pride might say that I am too proud to consider the fact that I would not question that I could make a mistake.  Someone who feels I suffer from insecurity might say that I have no confidence in what I wrote.  Someone who feels I am lazy might say that I just don't want to finish the job.  Someone who feels I am too much of a perfectionist might say I avoid it to avoid confronting the fact that I am not perfect.

My thought?  A combination I believe:  on the one hand the very simple belief the editing is not part of the creative process, not part of the "fun".  Writing is the making of someone from other things - or in the case of writing, making something from nothing but your mind.  Editing, I perceive, is not "fun":  it is the crawling through of each individual character, word and phrase looking not only for direct error but an indirect phrasing or something that could be improved.

The other fact is, I believe, my underlying distrust of criticism.

I have trouble with criticism (there, I've said it).  What is new, you might ask - it is not as if anyone really gets excited to receive it.  True enough I suppose.  Still, I have always had an issue with criticism, even if it is offered in a professional manner, even if it is offered for things that are not personal.  Why is this?  A combination at play again, I suppose:  on the one hand a sense that everything for me is personal, that everything I do (even if it is not personal) is an extension of myself.  On the other, a deep and abiding sense - fear, even - of how criticism has been used in the past, as tool not to correct and improve but to destroy.

Common enough in everyone's lives I suppose - we have all been the victim of criticism meant to do something other than improve.  But I know few cases where the individual themselves is concerned that their own self-criticism is designed to destroy themselves.

I think like anything else editing is a process - not only in learning to do it, but in learning that it is not the fearsome thing you perceive it to be, and that it is possible to trust even yourself to deliver criticism which is of use rather than destructive.

I do not know that I will ever come fully to terms with editing - as I said, it is not the most entertaining part of the process.  But perhaps I can at least come to a sense that it is a valuable one - and one that perhaps I trust myself to do without tearing myself down too much.

Course of Study 2013

One of the gems that Jeffrey Fox has in his book How to Become CEO:  Rules for Rising to the Top is that every year one should learn about one new area.  The point that he makes is not only is it a habit that all good CEOs should have - after all, one should be able to learn about a new industry or ways to better perform in the industry that one is currently in - but that it also makes for a more well rounded personality and allows a person to begin to see connections between things.

With that in mind, I have selected the course of study for 2013 to be the year of Alternative Energy.

Why Alternative Energy, you might ask?  Fair enough.  It's certainly not something I've ever talked about in great detail here or with anyone else.  And my reasons for doing so are not the typical ones:

1)  Cost:  Simply put, I'm looking for ways to reduce what I spend.  Utilities - electricity, gas and the cost thereof - are two factors that are controllable to some extent, not just by total amount of usage but by the generation  therelf.

2)  Independence: I've read enough economics and thought through the facts to realize that while I may never be able to completely divorce myself from any system (or want to), the ability to control any aspect of my life is a good one.

My first selection for the year for Off the Grid:  Modern Homes+Alternate Energy by Lori Ryker.  It was probably not the first book that I would have chosen to start with - but it was the first book that came through as a hold at the library.

The book was actually one of the type of the books I typically don't own:  a coffee table sort of book with a short primer of details followed by a series of 6 or 7 different examples of homes that had been designed for alternative energy.  It's always nice to look at pictures of what other people have created (even as I subconsciously wonder what the cost was).  It was a pleasant place to begin thinking about the concepts of alternative energy and its use.

However, the one thing that did strike me was exactly how unrealized my own reasons were in the text.  The book talked very little about cost or independence;  instead, it dwelt more on the environmental and aesthetic reasons for considering alternative energy.  That's fine, I suppose and motivates a great number of people.  The thing that surprised me was that an entire market - people like me - were left virtually unaddressed.  An interesting oversight or a trend in industry literature?  We'll see.

My aspirations from this exercise?  To acquaint myself with another area of knowledge, to be sure.  Perhaps to find some small ways to begin to address my own dependence on the system.  But I am also looking forward to the sheer pleasure of discovery, of learning something knew about which I know virtually nothing.

Screaming At The Top Of My Lungs

Oh, yesterday was a fine day.

Have you ever arrived home so angry you could hardly think?  So angry that you come in the door and nothing seems right - that everything that would not normally bother you has become a personal source of irritation designed to provoke you even more?

It is the sort of anger that builds, one that you carefully keep under wraps all day and try to manage because it is a new year and you are really trying to make a go of things.  You feel it rising and you push it back down, trying to take refuge in the things you can control or what the appropriate response that honors God is.  But things keep building up - not big things as if an avalanche had suddenly buried you but small things as if someone was purposefully building a wall, brick by brick.

You don't realize the wall until after your away for a bit.  Then you turn and suddenly realize that the wall is there - had been there for a while, quietly built behind you while you were trying to make a go of things.  You had just missed the building of it.  And the cliff that is now in front of you gives you nowhere to go.

In your frustration you try to tear the wall down - and discover a second truth, that walls built by others are often very difficult to tear down by yourself.  This increases your frustration even more as your nails chip and your fingertips bloody.    The anger builds as you try to get a grip, your mind gratuitously engaging in the things you would like to say which probably would not solve the problem, but would at least give you a sense of control in the situation - a sense of control that is missing now.

And then everything else simply doesn't seem right.  Things that were slightly out of place become personal insults, simple errors or situations become personal plots against you.  Finally you throw up your hands and decide you are going to bed early, because that is the only resolution to the situation that seems feasible.

Perhaps in bed you try to look at the situation a bit more philosophically, try to put reason and perspective to the situation, maybe even try to map out strategies to deal with it.  But you find that revisiting the situation only reminds you of the wall built behind you and the cliff in front of you - and you relive the emotion all over.

Oh, yesterday was a fine day.

A Lack of Control

How does one manage when one is not in control of so much of one's life?

This is the problem that haunts me frequently - even today, as I get ready to to head out.  My mind is already bubbling with the fact that it seems so little of what I face from day to day is in my control, but I am expected to live and work and produce competently within that lack of control.  It is as if one has no power, but all the accountability.

Stephen Covey fails me here in this regard.  He would say (as he does in The Seven Habits of Highly Responsible People) that I am responsible, that I have to power to choose my response. I may not control these situations, but I can control how I choose to act when they come up.  He would then (I think) point me to the the concentric circles of "Things in my control" surrounded by the larger circle of "Things outside of my control".  Concentrate on the things that are in your control, and you will expand the circle to include more of the things that are outside of your control.

My problem is that the even if I just try to manage the things that are in my control, the circle continues to contract rather than expand.  The things that I can control dwindle down (really) to those things that no-one else really wants to deal with, the things (that seem, at least) to be completely unnoticeable and unwanted.  Within these bounds, of course, I am told to "Exercise my authority" and "Be tenacious and dogmatic" - but being tenacious and dogmatic about the placement of the garbage can, in the end, is scarcely something that matters.

My time, I suppose, is still my own.  I can still choose how to use it and invest it.  I suppose even my responses remain my own, even as I recognize the fact that I can do very little to respond that will actually change my situation.

What am I missing that I could do to change the situation?  Or is this simply a reality that, like it or not, I simply need to accept?

Vision

"Our culture lacks vision in almost every arena.  How do you get vision?  You have to be passionate about something.  You must visualize the life you want to create and then be disciplined enough to get there.  Really, accomplishing your dream is not so much about mechanics and opportunity as it is about character qualities:  self denial, perseverance, commitment, focus." - Joel Salatin, You Can Farm

What is your vision for your life?  What is my vision for mine?

More specifically, what is your - or my - vision of our life for 2013?

I know individuals who are more passionate about sports teams they watch or the state of their automobile than are passionate about something in their life that will lead them somewhere.

Salatin is right that we no longer talk in terms of vision.  Vision, if anything, has come to mean a sort of metaphysical visitation - not a practical sort of thing that we can use in our daily lives.

But think for a moment:  those (at least in the Bible) that walked away from a vision of God came away passionate.  Isaiah in Isaiah 6, Ezekiel in Ezekiel 1 and 2 - even Peter, James and John at the Transfiguration - all walked away from their visions passionate about their calling and their God.  That vision sustained them, drove them on in the face of life.

But can the same level and intensity of vision be applied now, to our own daily lives?  Of course it can.  It's just that we have forgotten how to do it.

Think back to a time when you were really enthusiastic about something:  a new sport, a new author, a new hobby.  Thoughts of it filled you at all times.  You could not visualize anything that did not involve this thing.  You slept it, dreamed about it, lived it. 

For most of us, that is where it ends.  Life has a way of overtaking our visions and enthusiasms.  They don't play out as we expected or we had to get a "real" job or it did not live up to the promise that it offered.  We come to believe that visions are for the young and (perhaps) foolish, that we dwell in the world of reality and practicality.

But what if we are wrong?  What if is not the vision seekers that are unrealistic, but we who have allowed ourselves to believe that visions can never come true?

The reality is that every day there are individuals who are out living their visions - their dreams -while the rest of us plug along thinking that such things are simple not possible.

But apparently such things are.

We only need vision.

Happy New Year 2013

Oh helper of workers
ruler of all the good,
guard on the ramparts
and defender of the faithful,
who lifts up the lowly
and crushes the proud,
ruler of the faithful,
enemy of the impenitent,
judge of all judges,
who punishes those who err,
pure life of the living,
light and Father of lights
shining with great light,
denying to none of the hopeful
your strength and help.
I beg that me, a little man
trembling and most wretched
rowing through the infinite storm of this age,
Christ may draw after Him to the lofty
most beautiful haven of life.

- Colum Cille (Columba) of Iona (521-597 A.D.)

That Was The Year That Was

I write late this morning thanks to a vacation, looking out the window at a sea of gray clouds and the damp of rain.  It's a very fitting end to the year - very fitting because we find ourselves desperately in need of rain.

A very fitting end of the year as well because it represents the forces that have played out of the course of the year, a combination of the drought of some things and the refreshing rain of others.

It has been an interesting year, with many things that I had not anticipated happening.  I had not anticipated writing and publishing one book, let alone two.  I had not anticipated actually finishing Nanowrimo with a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.  I had anticipated competing in one Highland Games; I got two.  I had anticipated writing in another blog; I had not anticipated finding a theme in that blog that would sustain multiple posts.

But there were other things as well.  I had not anticipated the fact that Na Clann would all do so well in sports, or that Nighean Gheal would have such a lead role in the school musical.  I had not anticipated my cheeses would do so well - or that my garden would do so poorly.  There was much to be grateful for.

It was also somewhat disappointing in all that did not happen.  A career change that didn't happen though I tried.  A number of personal goals which I thought would be achievable which were not.  The purchase of a new house which was delayed by the sale of the house in Old Home.

But in a sense that's all irrelevant at the moment:  it is 31 December 2012 and the year has about 14 hours to run.  Nothing new is going to happen today that did not happen up to this point, but neither is anything likely to fall apart that has not already done so.

All in all, a satisfactory year.

One of the great benefits of the end of the year is the following year, of course: the fact that 365 days of golden opportunity await us upon rising tomorrow, filled with the promise of reaching for even higher achievements, better developments and greater joys.

This year is now past,  Enjoy what one can, let the rest go.

The New Year is coming.  It will be a good one.

The Firm Revisited

Yesterday as I was driving about doing errands I heard part of The Dave Ramsey program in which a wife was discussing her husband and a friend’s desire to go into business together.  Dave’s attempt was to encourage her that while the two of them might help one another, the idea that both of them should ignore the advice of others and continue on represented more of an act of selfishness or neediness on their part than a real business opportunity.

Suddenly I was swept away back to a day in February a long time ago when I made the decision to stop what I was doing and go to The Firm.  All of a sudden, as if the final pieces of a lock were sliding into place, I realized the last aspect of what I had done which I had never realized before:  it represented the ultimate act of selfishness.

Going to The Firm was ultimately about me.  It was about my needs – not so much the state of my life (yes, the commute was terrible, but otherwise everything was okay) as the need for me to be my own person.  To be in control of myself.  To satisfy myself.   Perhaps even to shortcut years of plodding along to leap to the head of the line.

What did it cost?  Well, we are still continuing to recover from that particular decision.  Costs include (in no particular order):

-         Being 12 years paid off on our mortgage instead of not owning a home and having lost our investment.

-         A cash count  from borrowing money other places to supplement the money I never realized.

-         Ultimately (perhaps) moving; certainly an argument could be made that the past seven years would look very different careerwise.

-         A fair amount of personal and relational stress as things slid downhill.

-         At least one friendship.

Was the cost of being my own person, of indulging my penchant for not being under the thumb of another and “doing my own thing” worth it based on these numbers?

And what does this mean for the future?  It’s a poorly concealed fact that I don’t really embrace that which I have continued to make my vocation – both where I am as well as what I am doing.  And somewhere deep within me (still) is the need to start something of my own, to be in control.  But at what cost?

I cannot allow the desires and perceived needs of my own psyche to put my family at risk again.  Even if that means plodding for another 20 years, it is not a thing that can ever be allowed to happen again.

Sometimes we tend to put a fine covering on painful memories to prevent that reality of what caused them from coming to the surface.  The sad part is it prevents us from learning all the lessons that we might gain from them.

Yes, The Firm made me grow.  It also cost me a great deal of financial security and ultimately freedom.  Was it worth it to make myself feel in control?

Orders of Service

One of the things that I have on my list of things to do for next year is cultivate a better prayer life.

Frankly, mine is terrible.  It has never been that great, but it simply seems to have gotten worse over time.  Had the best intentions, of course - but what I found is that I kept squeezing it into less and less convenient time slots (such as right before I go to sleep) or doing at less than conducive times (right when I wake up in the morning, where some mornings between falling asleep and repeating myself  I've probably prayed - on paper- for 30 minutes). 

Obviously, this sort of defeats the purpose of prayer in the first place.

But what to do?  Surely more of the same is not option.  Yes, I should probably try to not pray while I'm tired or falling asleep (C.S. Lewis had the same problem as well) but I need a more structured form of prayer as well.

My experiment this week has been to follow a more formalized set of prayers.

I'm using The Book of Common Prayer that belonged to my grandfather (yes, I know:  it's Anglican and I'm Lutheran.  It all works out) and following the office of morning prayer:  a short reading from a Psalm, confession, a canticle (usually a Psalm or based on one), the Lord's Prayer, a creed, and a final prayer.  After this I have added Luther's Morning Prayer (good Lutheran that I am).  In the evening I am using the office of evening prayer - quite similar to the order above - as well as adding Luther's Evening Prayer.  In both cases I append my own requests and my Scripture reading to it.

Thoughts after trying it for a few days?  I find that I like the formalized confession statement, both as a general practice as well as for the fact that it causes me to think more of my own sins (something I desperately need help with).  I especially like the fact that I have a guide to what I am doing rather than trying to constantly come up with my own order - which can eventually lead to just repeating myself constantly.

The risk is that this becomes too formalized and so loses its impact.  I guess its a risk - but the Orders of the Catholic church have been performing their orders of service for 1500 years plus and I don't often hear that they are "bored" with it.  Intent and focus, I suppose, are as important as what is being done.

We'll see how this plays out.  But something - anything - that forces me into new ways of thinking about God and my sin can hardly be a bad thing.

Upcoming Year

So what do I want to do for next year?

Yes yes, I know I've talked about planners and goals and what didn't get done this year and what did.  But that was all in the past tense.  Looking forward, what do I want to do for the coming year?

I ask the question in the midst of what will be a changing year, whether I like it or not.    Nighean Gheal is moving from one level of schooling to another.  With the amount of time we've been here in New Home, it probably makes sense to buy a house - at the same time, being carefully conscious of an economic environment that can seem unstable at best (at least for my industry.  Your results may vary).

So what is it that I want to think about in the coming year?

As I went down my draft list (you're not surprised I already had one, are you?) what I found is that it mostly represents doing more of what I am already doing - just getting more serious about it.  More running and Highland Athletics.  More cheese making and dehydrating and gardening.  More writing. A deeper relationship with God and my family.  More music.  Better finances.  More Japanese and Greek and Gaelic.

In other words, with one or two exceptions doubling down on what I'm doing now.

There are one or two new things, of course - if they're weren't, I wouldn't be me! - but for the most part as you can see, nothing much different than what I've done before.

Why?  The biggest reason is simply the discovery I made this year (a slow learner, I am) that doing something more makes you better at it.  This year to some extent was a year in which I stuck with the things that I had been doing before.  In some cases (like writing) I finally reached goals I had been seeking for years; for others (like cheese making and Highland Athletics) I continued to do what I had done the year before and realized a greater return for my effort.

I'll think on these some more I trow, and perhaps some may change a bit.  But I think the course of what I want to do will end little changed from where it is today.

Last year was a good year.  This year promises to be better.

Merry Christmas 2012

     Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night.  And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid.  Then the angel said to them "Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which will be to all people.  For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Saviour, who is Christ the Lord.  And this will be the sign to you:  You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger."
     And suddenly three was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying:
     "Glory to God in the highest,
      And on earth peace, goodwill toward men"

    So it was that when the angels had gone away from them into heaven, that the shepherds said to one another, "Let us now go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has come to pass, which the Lord has made known to us."  And they came with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the Babe lying in a manger.  Now when they had seen Him, they made widely known the saying which was told them concerning this Child.  And all those who heard it marveled at those things which were told them by the shepherds.  But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in here heart.  Then the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, as it was told them.

- Luke 2:8-20, Holy Bible, New King James Version

Old Planners

Today I was struggling for a quote.

Oh, it happens from time to time, this need for something to post in the morning - two somethings, really - and not having one worthy of quoting.  Sometimes I am able to find one on the spur of the moment, sometimes I find something inside of myself that is worthy of quoting.  But because of the lassitude of vacation or the fact of luxuriating in writing from bed, I could not find any.

Then a thought occurred to me:  I have written them down in old annual planners.  Let me go draw them from there.

I have annual planners dating back almost 10 years at this point.  They are not the thin planners that so many use; instead, they are accounts payable books, thick with pages and plenty of space to write and paste in meaningful things.  Proud of my sudden thought and use of my work from the past, I hurried to the closet to grab a couple.

And sat down.  And was drawn away.

Here was everything I thought about The Firm.  Here was my justification to leave my career and start another.  My thoughts - in terms of the thoughts of others I saved.  Small e-mails from friends from jobs I had left, encouraging me.  Recurring goals I keep putting on year after year, and never reaching.

Here were my dreams and aspirations, frozen in time.

It made me pause a bit.  From 2003 - when I was unhappy in my career and looking to the Firm to now, when I am back in the career and still not terribly happy.  In one way, how little has changed.

In another, how much.  Those volumes do not display in the least the amount of life that went on during that period of time as well.  They do little justice to the depth of life that has been lived around their pages.  It's almost as if I was holding a Reader's Digest book summary of my youth and reading the abridged version, knowing that a much larger book was out there waiting to be read.

I found my quote and carefully the planner to the side.  Interestingly enough, it was Seneca - "We learn not for school but for life."  The irony was, I hope, not lost on myself.

I need to take some time over the next few days and wander through these old planners of mind.  It would be an interesting exercise as the end of the year approaches and the new one begins.  I will need to make myself a new planner, of course.

Perhaps the experience of my past will be willing to speak to me.

The Last Day of Work Before Christmas 2012

It's last day of work before Christmas vacation 2012.

It's odd.  I think at one time such a day as this would have brought a smile to my face and joy to my heart.  It would be the official kick off the longer Christmas holiday - and even if it was not a long a vacation as some I have had, at least it would be met with a sense of excitement.

There is no sense of excitement as I write this morning.  All that looms before me a great sense of everything that I have to do today before I go - and everything that I know I will simply not get done.  It is a sort of numbing dread, a nameless fear that knows that even as I walk out the door I will be in worse shape when I return.

This is not the way a holiday - especially Christmas - is meant to be anticipated.  One should measure it in time spent away and items done with family and friends, not with everything that is not getting accomplished.

I'm sure that things will get better, of course.  Once I am finally done - that door is finally closed and I walk out to the car - there will be a sense of relief, perhaps a growing sense of anticipation that I will have some time to simply decompress from the world around me.

But it occurs to me that this is not - overall - the way things should be.  Every year it feels like the time frame becomes more and more compressed.  Every year enjoyment seems to take a little more of a backseat to the "realities" of the actual workplace.  Every year Christmas seems to come later and later in my life.

How does one break such a trend?

Cold Front

Winds here mean cold fronts
on their way to somewhere else:
different from Old Home.

Boxed

There are few things worse than the sense of being irrelevant and trapped.

It is a subtle thing a first:  in a conversation with others, you suddenly come across a fact which everyone else seems aware of but you didn't know.  As you begin to look into thing further, you find that there is a whole chain of events which impacts you but about which you had no idea was even occurring.

Then the next step comes:  tasks and items which you are responsible for are suddenly being set and commanded by others, even if you are still expected to complete them.  At some point you may ask about this, but are told that "No, you're still in charge.  Just making a few changes to move things forward". 

But the undercurrents still continue.  The ordering of responsibilities and tasks continue.  You are still required to do certain things and make certain goals, but you find your areas of decision and input have slowly been stripped away until you dwell in a box without windows or doors where tasks are passed in and out through a small hole in the wall and a knowledge of the great outer world is stripped away.

The worst part, of course, is that you feel trapped.  You feel trapped in your current situation as the the ability to find a way to change it seems extremely limited.  You also feel trapped in your day to day life as you have that nagging sense of being irrelevant, kept only for the purpose of doing certain things that no-one else wants to do instead of being maintained for your what you bring to the situation.

The funny thing - if such a thing can be called funny - is that sense that no-one will really say anything about the situation.  Surely such a thing is known and self evident - such things seldom happen in a vacuum.  But nothing is said - it's a sort of open secret, the elephant in the room that all know is there but that no-one will address.

And so the sense of fading to gray comes, the idea that one had about doing something grand fading away as one fades into the background of the unnoticed, the powerless, the forgotten - left until the final action comes, perhaps years after the first signs of irrelevance were perceived. 

Idly perhaps, one day someone will ask why one suddenly seems different, where has the enthusiasm and drive gone.  You look at them, a score of items running through your head as your catalog the issues and the length of time things have really been this way.  Then realizing the actual state of things, you simply sigh and shake your head.

"It's hard to explain"  you say.  "It's a long story."

Mountains of the Mind

We all build mountains in our mind.

What are these mountains?  These are the places where we go secretly to engage in those things which we know to be sin.  It's the place where we take our dreamings, our imaginations, our pride.  We take them to be worshipped.

"Worshipped?  That' a pretty big word, isn't it? I mean, I know I have faults and all, but the idea that I would take them and worship them is just silly.  After all, I'm a 21st Century sophisticate - there is no way I'm involved in any sort of worship."

But we are.

Every time we take one of these things - lust, greed, anger - and instead of dealing with directly go to someplace in ourselves to roll it over in our mind and consider it, perhaps even to glory in it, we come to acribe value to it - to give it worth by our spending time with it or "Worth Ship" it, as the origin of the word would have it.

And so we begin the process of building our own mountain. 

Every time we go back to the altar, taking that thing in our mind which we cannot or will not deal with, we bring a small bucket of earth with us to stand on as we go.  Over time, these things begin to build up until, towering in our psychic landscape, stand squatting hills with rough hewn stained altars on the top of them.

Of course worship can't happen without bringing something of value to offer.  Initially it is just our time.  This time becomes more and more as we spend more and more at that altar instead of out in the world.  The time begins to suck in other things - relationships, hobbies, activities - sometimes in the light sense of time, sometimes in the heavy sense of sacrificing those thing through adultery or workaholism or addiction or selfishness.

Given long enough we become slaves of the mountains that we have built, constantly toiling up them to offer sacrifice that we have pulled from other parts of our lives.  In the end, that which have initially built to please us destroys us.

There must be a solution, of course.  There is - but it is the hardest thing of all.  We must tear down the mountains of the mind.

How?  By refusing to climb them or indulge them.  By turning our steps away from them when formerly we go to them.  By refusing to indulge ourselves in our secret sins.

This is not something that can ever be done in one's own strength, of course.  Ultimately there will be parts that we can never reach, effort we cannot make.  Ultimately we are dependent on God and His power to overcome such things.  But that does not excuse us from not making the attempt.

Let not the picture of our lives at the end be someone who has carefully carried all his interests, his relationships, his family - his life - up a mountain and offered them up to something which ultimately was phantom that had power neither to save nor reward.

Let us not be slaves of that which we indulge for ourselves.

Questioning FB

I've begun questioning the purpose of my existence on Facebook this weekend.

You all know Facebook, that wonderful invention that allows individuals to reconnect and share pictures, links and information about themselves, that allows them to reconnect with people they haven't talked to in years.  It's a social extravaganza, a sort of ultimate reunion and new friend engine rolled into one.

Over the course of about 3 years that I have had the account, I have had the privilege of catching up with a number of people that I have lost track of over the years:  high school friends long disappeared into the mists of life,  a college friend or two - even my family has taken a swing at it.  As mentioned, it is great for keeping people up to date and keeping up to date with peoples' lives:  seeing them, seeing their pictures, seeing their jokes and their comments.

But watching Facebook over the past three months has made me doubt my decision to continue to exist there.

Why?  Because in the last three months I've come to see that Facebook is creating even more of a society that is unable to have serious discussions about serious issues.

The issue is this:  someone posts a comment.  Someone else posts a comments disagreeing with them - but since this is Facebook, this person may or may not have a relationships with them have a years long understanding of them and their situation.  Instead, it is just a comment.  They respond with their opinion.  Typically, the discussion quickly breaks down after that into a series of naming calling and accusations until, at last, it peters out.

Where does that leave the drive by participant - me, for example, who can see all of this even if I chose not to participate?  Either saddened or angry, offended or depressed - because I too react to the words as I see them on the screen.  At Face Value.

The reality is that this is may be creating a more "connected" environment but it is hardly creating one that is more thoughtful.  Instead words are bandied about like clubs and axes.  The ability to think, to discuss, to debate is buried beneath a wave of being in for the instant response.  It becomes the written form of verbal shouting.

And so I find myself more often than not either fuming at the screen or shaking my head.  I find myself more and more reluctant to engage in any discussion not directly personal or humorous in nature.  More and more questioning why I even bother to spend my time looking at or posting on Facebook at all. 

It's not that I don't enjoy reconnecting with my friends - I do.  But what I am finding is that Facebook has become less and less of the coffee house where you relax and meet and more and more of the friend's home you visit where you always end up leaving early because you feel uncomfortable.

I used to believe that chat rooms and texting would be the death of meaningful communication.  I think I've changed my opinion.

Freedom and Prison

"We [Christians] say, not lightly but very literally, that the truth has made us free.  They say that it makes us so free that it cannot be the truth.  To them it is like believing in a fairyland to believe in such freedom as we enjoy.  It is like believing in men with wings to entertain the fancy of men with wills.  It is like accepting a fable about a squirrel in conversation with a mountain to believe in a man who is free to ask or a God who is free to answer.  This is a manly and rational negation for which I for one will always show respect.  But I decline to show any respect for those who first of all clip the wings and cage the squirrel, rivet the chains and refuse the freedom, close all the doors of the cosmic prison on us with a clang of eternal iron, tell us that our emancipation is a dream and our dungeon a necessity; and then calmly turn around and tell us they have a freer thought and a more liberal theology." - G.K. Chesterton, The Everlasting Man

The Mighty D.

I had the privilege of attending a funeral today.

A privilege?  Yes.  There are two kinds of funerals: those that are filled with sadness and yet hope and those that are simple sad.  I have attended both kinds.

Today's was one of the former, for a woman I only knew briefly and in passing.  Her son and Nighean Dhonn shared a class for 3 years.  I would not have met her except that I ran in a 5k in October for a fundraiser for her.  She passed on Saturday night.

To listen to those that spoke - her father, her brother, her friends, her husband - was to listen to the story of a woman who knew what she believed and firmly lived it out, even in the face of living with the specter of and then the actual event of cancer.  To hear of someone who lived their their life to the fullest to the very last moment possible.

She died at 38.

It was a thing to think of as we wended our way back to the car after the service and after-meal.  The winter sun had heated the air a bit and the day was quite pleasant.  I had fully intended to return to work but the hour had grown too late for any productive work, and suddenly the reality of life made this seem to be not the most important thing in the world.

As I went about my business in the afternoon I did not plan of having, I found my thoughts drifting back to the morning, trying to distill what I had heard and experienced into something I could apply.  Truths are seldom presented more clearly than in the light of death - the challenge is to determine what do with them.

1)  We are never more than what we give of ourselves to others.   What came through the conversation and the stories of the afternoon was not what others had done, but what D had done for others.  Even in her pain.  Even in the uncertainty of dwelling under the Shadow of Death.

2)  We are never more ourselves than when we live for Another.  Specifically one Other - Christ, the Son of God.  Only through living out Him in our daily lives, by being not only those hands and feet of service but the eyes and ears of listening and compassion, the voice of life and encouragement, the brain of planning and executing the Plans of Another.  What we do here for ourselves stays here.  What we do for others in the name of Christ and for Christ Himself goes farther our eyes can ever see.

In reality, we all live under the Shadow of Death.  Most of us choose not think of it unless it is thrust into our face, but it remains true.  We would be wise to consider how we spend our lives in light of that fact.

Requiscat in Pace, Mighty D.  Your race is run.  May you inspire those who remain behind.

Dry

Cold and clear, the sky
mocks any hopes of moisture
as the grass withers.

Goals New and Old

The last part of the year has arrived - that time of year where planning for the new both increases and goes into decline.

Increases?  2013 is already dangling in front of my face.  Things I want to do next year - things I need to next year - are starting to shout for my attention.  They are waving sheets of paper in front of me, shouting "I'm a goal - do me next year".  Many more than I had originally thought are making an appearance, all demanding a turn to argue their merits.

And in decline?  The countervailing movement is largely expressed in the here and now.  It is the end of the year.  The ability to do most of what I was going to do this year has passed; better to concentrate on that time which remains say the goals from 2012.  If you become too enmeshed in what is coming, you will fail to complete what you can still do.

It is an odd counterbalance.  On the one hand, planning for a new year - at least goal wise - is something which is always a little exciting and intoxicating:  the year is a blank slate, ready to be written on.  And let us be fair:  I think in many ways 2012 has left me in a far better position in terms of setting and achieving goals than has been the case in some years.  There is a certain sense of of hopefulness - if not for some specific situations in my life, then for the general.

The part I need to look to - the part I often hate to look to - is my failures.  Where did I fail in my goals?  Why did I fail in them?  Is there any catch up possible in these last few weeks that will allow me to get over the top?   There is not nearly the sense of excitement in doing things this way of course - but cleaning up old goals is like cleaning out cheesecloth after you make cheese: if you don't complete the process, it will smelly and sort of nasty for the following time.

Old and new, increase and decrease:  perhaps that is why New Year was set when it was:  to allow the slowness of the world outside to let us focus on the riotous world of thought on the inside.

Tuesday Morning, 11 December

One of the great privileges of being an early morning riser is the opportunity to be an early morning writer.

That's not always the case, of course.  There are plenty of mornings where the "privilege" feels quite similar to a form of punishment as one staggers out of bed and tries to avoid the slalom of furniture in the bedroom as one careens to the stairs hoping (in the still semi-comatose under brain) that one does not careen down the stairs.

But this is not one of those mornings.

The temperature has fallen here in New Home to some of the coldest we've had this year:  slightly above freezing.  That makes the fact that I finally turned the heat on all the more inviting as I sit here.  A cup of fresh coffee sits beside me, the heated cup warming my heart almost as much as the coffee does (ah, coffee - what won't it solve?).  Yesterday's pumpkin muffins, cold from the room temperature but with the advantage of having a day to slightly compress, promise a delicious breakfast.

These are the mornings that it is a privilege to write - not just from the fact of being able to write, but the fact that appreciates all the things that go with being up early in the morning to write.  That seemingly rare convergence where the mind and the will coincide with the words and the physical sensations (ah, coffee) to make the inner space and outer space as one.

These are the times when the words just seem to bubble up from inside, not dragged from the mind kicking and screaming but willingly yielding themselves to the process.  The sense of stress is gone, replaced by a sense of being at peace with one's self and the practice of what one is doing.  This is one of those moments where one can really use the words "The Craft of Writing" and not feel as if one is mouthing a phrase for others, not one's self.

What is being written about is less important - indeed, one could probably just write about writing and the physical environment around one.  Those words of direction, of import - they will come in their time as well.  Once the streambed is prepared, the stream will come.

But every now and again it is simply good to stop, take a look around, and realize that such moments are out there and available to us - with the sincere hope that, like other exquisite moments, they will come to more a part of our daily lives.

Brevity

Another one of those not so gentle reminders about the brevity of life.

The mother of one of Nighean dhonn's classmates  passed away Saturday night.  A cancer that had gotten to her brain, after being a two-time cancer survivor.  They had hoped she would be here for Christmas.  She leaves behind a husband and two sons.

It is another case of drive-by sorrow.  I only knew of her through her illness, ran a race to support her, occasionally got updates on her status from The Ravishing Mrs. TB.  No relationship beyond that of passing, no knowledge beyond that of others.

She was younger than I.

What it brings to mind - beyond the inconsolable thought of a husband and sons bereft of someone they expected to (and should have) spent long years with - is the brevity of life and its unknown nature to us.

We spend our time too often on that which does not matter.  We become tangled in our minds and thinking on that which has little value beyond the immediate.  Certainly there is a need to be involved where we are - but at the same time, many of us - most - take up the burden of things far more than we should.  We fritter away our energy and our lives on minors - "the thick of thin things" as Stephen Covey would say.

The result?  Beyond just a very real fact of wasting time on that which does not matter, we fail to spend our time on that which does matter - and then, when the end of our life comes (as it inevitably will) we are suddenly "struck" by the fact that we had no time to do what we really intended, what really mattered.

Oh, we meant to.  We meant to spend more time with our spouse or our family, to get serious about God, to spend our lives doing things that mattered rather than things that didn't.  It's just that we never had the time, you understand - we were too busy being busy.  And so, like the trolls of old, we are caught by the rising sun of death and turn to stone, our deeds undone.

Why can we so easily push off the important for the urgent?  Why do we ruin our lives for that which is of no account instead of that which matters?

I understand this better than most.  That which my industry produces has a life span, and companies change hands frequently.  Of all I have worked on and with, most of the products are now not sold, and most of the companies out of business or merged with another.  15 years of work with little beyond a living to show for it.

How much time did this represent?  How much suffering?  How many hours away, commuting back and forth, missing other things?  How much emotional baggage invested in people, against people?  How much effort in projects which are now filed away in boxes awaiting destruction?

We are given enough time to do that which God calls us to do.  Let us be careful we do not waste the gift spending it on that which is of no importance.

Burn Out

Every now and again I seem to reach that burned out state.  You've been there before - we all have, I suppose.  That sense of rising up in the morning and simply having...nothing.  No energy.  No hopes.  No nothing.

I'm interested (in an abstract sense, I suppose)  about what causes this sort of thing.  It's not as if the contributing factors - lots going on, maybe a lack of sleep, the rush of an event (Christmas in this case) - don't occur during many points of the year.  What does seem to occur right now is this very real sense that there are no reserves left, that everything has been played and there's still an entire period to play.

So what's the difference? What is that factor that drains us of the sense that we don't have any more - perhaps when we really do? 

I suspect it's inner related than outer related.  All things like this seem to be.  Perhaps a temporary abandonment of hope?  That would make sense as well - hope is directed towards the future, when there is a possibility that something can change, where as a continuing sense of burnout probably stems from a sense that we have given our all and there is nothing left to give.

I wish I understood this state better - somewhere in the midst of the lack of drive and energy, at the feeling at the end of your rope is the germ of learning to persevere better.  There are lessons to be learned here - the biggest, I suppose, is simply how to get out of this state more quickly.

Another road of learning I suppose - if I can just find the motivation and energy to do it...

Respect

Respect.

A word loaded with connotations.  A word that means the difference between being paid attention to and ignored.  Something many people desperately seek to get.  But how to get and give respect?  Therein lies the rub.

There are two ways that respect is granted. The first method - one that is the most common - is the idea of "earning" respect.  "You get the respect you earn" or some such  similar line has littered the ground of countless movies and books.  It is the idea that respect is something that is not automatically granted due to the fact of existence but that it is given as part of the process of becoming "respectable" - that is, worthy of respect.

The second method - one that seems less common - is the idea of granting respect until it is lost.  In this scenario, respect is extended to all as a result of their simply being in existence and is only lost when the individual chooses to loose it.  In this concept there is no possibility to earn, only to lose.  It is best represented in (of all places) the book Passage to Dawn by R.A. Salvatore in which the main character, Drizz't dro'Urden discusses the concept in a monologue.  (Really.  If you have a chance read it.  It's quite profound.)

The interesting thing I've come to discover about this two theories of respect is that they are practiced in conflict.  For most people in or of a group or at the higher levels of the organization, the expectation is that the second will always be applied to them (respect granted until lost) but that the first is what they will grant (respect not granted until earned).  I suppose there is some degree of logic in their eyes, a sort of "having earned their spurs" and expecting others to do the same.  But at the same time, there seems to be this expectation that respect being granted is done on essentially faith without any basis in competency or achievement but only by virtue of already being present.

Conceptually what would it be like if we all either practiced the theory that everyone had to learn respect - or that respect would be granted to all until lost?  To my mind, the ramifications are enormous.   Everyone would understand the rules of the game.  Everyone would understand that respect is not something granted by virtue of title or name or office but of actual achievement - or contrariwise, that everyone starts out with the respect and it is only through their inability to achieve that such a thing can be lost.

I don't know that I am arguing for one or the other.  Both have issues in my opinion - earning respect can become a scheme to always make respect just out reach, granting universally ultimately leads to a devaluation as both the competent and incompetent are granted a level which perhaps they do not deserve.  But should we not at least recognize how others expect us to earn respect - and more importantly, what we expect of them?

The Empty Feeling of Achievement

There is nothing worse than achievement that has no impact.

This is a side of achievement I don't know I have given a great deal of thought to.  But not all achievement is created equal.  Some achievement results in, well, results.  Something happens as a result of something that has been completed. 

But there's the other side of achievement, the long low exhausted breath of having done something only to realize that the breath is being taken in singleness and silence.  The achievement was completed, but it resulted in nothing.

Nothing?  Surely you just, you may be thinking.  All achievement has some outcome, even it is merely the outcome of the individual having completed that which they had started.  Even that can be considered an outcome of something.

I suppose that is true enough - "In all toil there is profit, but mere talk comes only to want" as the writer of Proverbs says (14:23).  Even in the least impactful of achievements there is some element of results, even if it is merely the impact that the thing was possible to get done and did get done as an example to others.

I have hard experience with the achievement that leads to nowhere and nothing.  There is nothing less motivating than coming to the final completion of a project when the last slide is presented, the last page turned, and the last comment made - only to find that nothing happens.  The overwhelming sense of failure cannot be denied, if not accompanied by a keen sense of disappointment.  Achievement is meant to impact, not to be ignored.

What do I do with this sense of, if not failure, then lack of success?  I'm not sure.  There are only two viable options, it seems.  The first is simply to select better achievements - by better, I mean begin selecting those achievements which have the potential to actually make a difference or achievements which deal with something of importance.  Spend time doing impactful things and you will make an impact.

The other option is to begin to evaluate what I expect or intend to get out of every achievement.  I will never be able to completely shed achievement without impact - our lives are often full of things we need to do simply to do them.  But even in doing these things we can find at least one thing that will improve ourselves if not achieve the point of the exercise.  The trick is to find it.

But it matters.  And we have to do it.  Because I can only imagine that one of the great failures in life one can feel is looking back at a life of achievement and realizing that in the end, nothing of impact was actually accomplished.

Ode to A Cursor

Blinking cursor
Patient, waiting,
Keeping all my thoughts
from waiting

How is that a single bar
Allows my thoughts to travel far?

To depths of soul
or heights of mind
Through you the whole
of truth I find.

But on this morning: early, dark
Why can't I find a single spark?

Blink on, blink off
You gently tease:
"Your problem is?
Go: write with ease."

This morning, naught, except your mocking:
Why can't I find the words for talking?

Have pity then,
please do not hate me,
if on this day
the words escape me.

Self Belief?

One of the transitions I am struggling with - let us be honest, have struggled with for some time - is the transition from being in a position of needing someone to believe in you to believing in yourself.  I am certain that this transition is complicated by the fact that I am person who is too often dependent on the approval of others (but, in fairness, I wonder if it is really any different or easier for others).

Self belief - self confidence - that inner spark that tells one that one is competent to do all that one has determined one will do - is a strange thing.  It seems that there are only two ways to acquire it: genetic or built.

Genetic?  Mindset perhaps.  There are those among us - surely you know one or even may be one - that simply seem to have always have had the inner belief that they were capable of doing whatever they could put their mind too.  Sometimes the surroundings of the these individuals is not such that one would think that such a belief could ever exist - but it does.

The good news for the rest of us, I suppose, is that unlike height or speed self belief is something that can be acquired even if we don't start out with it.  The problem is figuring out how to do that.

How is that done?  Oh, I wish that I had a better sense of it.  I do firmly believe that it is rooted in doing things and succeeding in them - from confidence, springs confidence.  But doing things alone is not enough:  one can do things a great many times but bereft of a belief that one can do them, one is always one failure away from feeling completely useless.

Is it something others can give?  Partially.  The believe of someone in you and your ability to do things can be a powerful motivator in coming to believe in yourself - but at the same time, too much reliance on others can lead to a fragile self belief, one that is ready to collapse under the first sign that such a person considers your performance a failure or simply moves on.

There is a fundamental transition and transaction that occurs somewhere within the soul, some moment when one moves from "I cannot" to "I am capable of".  It is not just based solely on accomplishing things.  It is much more than that.  It is best represented in the case that one moves from a temporary failure being a permanent setback to a temporary failure not denting one's confidence in the ultimate outcome - and believing it.

I deeply desire to believe that this is like a muscle  - it can be built over time.  Yet I constantly find myself falling back into a state of not having any confidence at all, of being undercut by events and individuals (and their comments) to a state where it feels as if no matter what I do I am doomed to fail, to be exactly what I am and have always been.

To feel that self belief is merely a figment of my own imagination or something that other people can find - but not me.

I do not believe (in my lucid moments) that this is the case.  I believe that there is such a thing as self belief.  I have seen the outcome of its workings.  I know that it exists - for others.  The difficulty is finding how to make it exist for me.