Dream

I had another one of those dreams last night - the kind where you truly think that your mind is trying to talk to you.

It came on the heels of a week and a half of audits. The change in my physical pattern is amazing. Up to last night, due to the start time of the audit and the driving distance, I was waking up later - and going to bed later as a result. My sleep pattern was the best it has been in at least 2 years - either didn't wake up at all, or woke up once, in both cases feeling rested. Last night that changed, as I was going back to the Home Office. I woke up three times at least and now type with a headache floating at the forefront of my brain.

In the dream, I was back at a company - A- that I had worked at in the past. I was there, apparently, to interview for a job. as A had been bought out but was hiring. I went through the manufacturing area, speaking with the interviewer about various pieces of equipment and processes I knew ("The waste tank system - did they ever fix that?"), management, and individuals. The location was not truly A, but a mixture of equipment, facilities, and architecture styles from lots of places that I have worked over the years.

The people I interviewed with were as well: of the 5 I remember interviewing with, I think only one or two actually worked at A. The others included someone I've never met, someone from my current job (in a position they do not work in), and an old manager, whom I was not really sure what their role was.

The most interesting feedback I had was from 1) The person who currently works at my company; and 2) someone that I think used to work at A. The person that used to work at my company - we'll call him D - brought to his office, which was apparently much larger inside that out, sat me down, and then started through baseballs against one of those nets that bounces them back. "Why are you looking to come back?" he asked. I responded with the typical answer you give if you've ever re interviewed at a place: Know the system, good opportunity, etc. His comment, as near as I can recall, as he was throwing balls against net, was "Sometimes we just settle for lack of challenge because it's comfortable."

The other individual - call him E - was one that I associate with Company A, though I can't tell you why. His commentary, without even an initial greeting, was a story about a colleague of his from Mexico who, when she heard he was going to Mexico, asked him why he would do something like that. His response at the time was because it was a learning experience.

Finally, at the last step of the interview, I saw my old boss MB. I have not seen or heard from him for almost three years, as it seems he has dropped off the earth. I was really excited to see him - but his response, as he rushed passed to the bathroom, was a sort of rushed cool "Good to see you."

And then I woke up, saw that it was 0400, and realized I should probably get up because my alarm was going off in 30 minutes.

Work

Work has been very different these last two weeks. We have had a regulatory agency audit from the agency which regulates our industry (okay, fine, it's the FDA). Due to my boss being out on vacation, I was the one called upon to lead the audit - something which I have never done before.

In my industry, leading an FDA audit is a bit of a big deal. It has ramifications, as any observations or violations of law can carry legal penalties. On a bright note, the regulatory auditors I have dealt with (and it has been nine or ten in the last three years) have without exception been individuals who were tough but fair, and to a person, friendly. They're there to do a job, you're there to do a job. As long as everyone follows the ground rules, and a tense situation is not created by treating as an "Us-Them" relationship, things go along pretty well.

The different thing has been in my schedule and my life. As a result of the audit, I have sleeping 7+ hours a night, getting up with about 1.5 to 2 hours in the morning before I leave and seeing my family in the morning. I've gotten home a little later (that has been the major change there, although that has been due to holiday traffic as much as anything).

Certainly from a stress point of view, it's been much less: working on the audit, you tend to focus on the audit. The real change in this has been being removed from the day to day chaos back at the home office. I monitor it via e-mail and phone, but it is different than someone plopping in your office with "I have a problem you need to solve right now!".

The audit has also made me more intransigent concerning the work I do and what I am associated with. As I have often pointed out to others, it's not what you think, it's what the law means, and how it is applied - so why not do it right the first time. And in terms of association, frankly there's no excuse for sloppy or less than excellent work - we spend so much time correcting problems that could be fixed easily by doing it right the first time, why not just do it right?

It should be interesting when I get back...

New Blog

Otis's wife has started a blog at vintagechicthoughts.blogspot.com. I've also linked to it on the side. You should go read it. She speaks as well as she writes.

Proving, once again, that Otis married up...

Welcome to Syrah!

A big greetings to the latest addition to An Clann Toirdhealbheach Beucail, Syrah.

Syrah is a purebred American Field Trials black Labrador retriever, 18 months old, weighing 68 pounds (we know, she went to the vets yesterday). We found her through the Golden Gate Labrador Rescue Group, who does good work finding homes for Labrador's that need rescue. We had to drive to Reno on Saturday to get her - a bit more of a trip than we were anticipating - but she has been a fabulous dog. We have heard her bark precisely twice. She likes to play, and is very kind and loving with all the girls. She has interacted well over the weekend with my sister's dog, and has not chased our cats - although the cats are still trying to process it. She did well getting her first bath on Sunday (although I had to lift her into the tub, she stayed there once she was in). Walking her is not too terrible - she's awfully strong, but she will stop pulling if you stop. She didn't eat a great deal the first two days, but her appetite seems to have picked up yesterday.

We are very glad that she has joined our family!

Life's Little Pleasures

Tonight I had five minutes of life's little pleasures. Pouring grass clippings from my lawn around my potatoes, hoeing out weeds behind my tomatoes, I drank beer I made last month.

There is something just viscerally satisfying about eating, drinking, or using the output of one's own efforts. I can't really explain why - I'm sure my beer would be considered undrinkable compared to most things I can purchase at Safeway, my sourballs never seem to hold together when I pull them out of the pan (more sour crumbles), and I bet I end up losing money on my garden - but none the less, there is something inside that seems to make me feel like I have actually done something of value.

It's interesting, because it is a feeling which I have scarcely felt in most of the "jobs" that I've ever had.

Interesting.

Giving God My Best

Currently for our faith group, we are studying the Book of Malachi. Tonight we did Chapter 1:6-14.

Talk about being smacked upside the head.

The point of these verses is the complaint God has about the Jewish Priests during the time when Malachi is writing (circa 432-424 BC). God's complaint is that the priests dishonor Him. How, God rhetorically asks on behalf of the priests. By their dishonoring of His Altar.

How do they dishonor it, they ask? God answers by pointing out to them that they have ignored the commands of the Pentateuch in that all offerings were to be pure, unblemished, males a year of age. Instead, they were accepting animals that were blind, lame, and unfit for sacrifice. God then challenges them: offer them to the Persian governor - would he accept them? Of course not. How much less, then, would the Creator of the Universe.

God challenges them again: If you continue to do wrong, will He accept an offering from their hands - pure or impure? Will He accept them favorably?

He then finishes in verses 12-14, again pointing out that the priests disdain serving the Lord, sniffing or sneering at it and calling it "a weariness". And then He curses those who have that which should be offered to Him -the best - and instead offer something which is less than the best, because (it is implied) they want to keep it for themselves.

Fine and good, I say to myself. Yay Old Testament! Yay Grace instead of Law!

But the question remains: am I giving God my best?

And what is my best? Oh, it includes tithes and offerings (as in the Old Testament), but it includes much more. Do I give my time and talents to serving God - the best, not the leftovers? If I claim to truly love and serve Christ, do I seek to do His will - the low hanging fruit, the things that say "This is the will of God:.....", let alone the stuff that takes more discernment?

More often than not, I fear, I give God the seconds, thirds, or fourths: my energy, plans and life are too often spent on myself, my job, my plans, my family, and then God - maybe, if something else doesn't get in the way first.

An easy place to start is my schedule and my energy (read sleep pattern). I honestly should go to bed an hour to an hour and a half earlier than I typically do. I know I have to get early, and I know that a lack of sleep affects but. But I don't. Why? Because I want to do "my things", and doing them is more "important" than being well rested.

Does it impact me? Of course it does - all day, I'm run down. By the time I get home, my mood is only a little less than sour - and this the typical time I have to spend with my family. Are they seeing God through me there? I doubt it.

This then are two the challenges that God has given me through this study:
1) Am I giving God my best? How often? How much?
2) To do this, I have to come to understand His will more - and seek to do those things, rather than the things that I wish to do without consulting Him.

Follow up

I am coming to see that we stay where we are until we learn the lesson we are to learn. Which would mean, of course, that if we stay in our problems, it is become in some form or fashion we are choosing to blatantly ignore the thing we are to learn.

Does this mean that those who suffer bad things that are not their fault are choosing them? No, and don't say that I said that (Yes, you there behind the computer screen). There is sin, and Satan actively makes war both against those who follow Christ as well as those who might think about it but can be turned by circumstances.

What I am speaking of is the less than life threatening situations: the annoying, the depressing, the enervating, where we hold our hands up to God and say "Why can't you fix this?" Perhaps God says back "Why won't you learn what you need to learn?"

A simple proof of my theory is in my own life is my current employment situation. Over the course of a year, I have had 5-6 telephone interviews and 2 face to face interviews. In the case of the face to face interviews, both of the seemed to go exceedingly well. And yet in both cases, nothing.

What is the lesson I think I am supposed to learn from my current job? Follow up, I think.

I am terrible at follow up. I put things in motion, then don't keep them going. I make commitments, then don't fulfill them. Why? Because it's hard, because it's boring, because it's grunt work and seems to go unnoticed.

But what I am noticing in myself is that if I am not careful, I will train my children this way as well. Nighean gheal is evincing interests in various activities, and if I keep saying "Yes, I'll look into it" and never do, she will learn the same thing as I.

The advantage to follow up? Speaking from a purely material point of view, it gets you to accomplish tasks, which will move you forward in whatever it is you are doing.

From a spiritual point of view, it teaches patience, commitment, and a hope for the thing which we cannot see now. Which is the nature of faith in God.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1 (NKJV)

Thought for the Day

"If I cannot change myself, I cannot change the world."
- T. Wren

Forest Fire

As if reflecting
the hungry fire below,
sunrise burns orange.

Flensing for Me

Flensing, as you'll recall from your late middle school educational period, is the activity of removing the layer of blubber from whales, walruses, or other arctic mammals both to set it aside for use and to get at the meat. Using a "flensing tool", whalers would work the whales over and pull the blubber off in strips for use later.

Why flensing? It occurs to me that this is part of what I am continuing to seek to do, both through this blog, my other writing, and my thoughts: I'm trying to cut away at the interfering layers (as Benjamin Franklin said, "What you seem to be, be really") to get down at the core of who I am and what I want. Time is limited, and I can't really afford the luxury of messing around, continuing to work at the blubber level, thinking that "someday" I'll have the luxury of doing the things that are truly important - the fact is, I really don't have anything beyond the now.

I have a sign in my office that I read somewhere that I try to look at once a day: "Why are you doing this? What is the expected outcome?"

If anything, I should be asking that question more, not less.

Smoky

Dwelling where I do in Northern California, I am a beneficiary of the 1000+ fires that are going on in this region - not directly, through evacuations or actual burnings, but through smoke. Since Sunday, there has been a smoky haze around my home and all the way on my commute to my job. It's an experience I've not had before.

The only comparison I have to it is fog. The two are quite different - not just in appearance, fog being a sort of dampish grey and the smoke a sort of yellowish brown - but in the appearance the give to the landscape around them. The fog tends to conceal and then reveal, while the smoke just tends to make things disappear. Typically we can clear see 6-8 miles to the next city - now, it's difficult to clearly see a couple of miles up the road.

The other interesting thing to me is that the smoke hasn't cleared. Once it was here on Sunday, I expected it to move out by Monday. Here we are at Tuesday and, if anything, it seems to have gotten worse.

On the bright side, it makes for great sunrises and sunsets...

I Will Go Sailing No More

Out among the stars I sail
Way beyond the moon
In my silver ship
I sail
A dream that ended too soon
Now I know exactly who I am
And what I'm here for
And I will go sailing no more

All the things I thought I'd be
All the brave things I'd done
Vanished like a snowflake
With the rising of the sun
Never more to sail my ship
Where no man has gone before
And I will go sailing no more

No it can't be true
I could fly if I wanted to
Like a bird in the sky
I believe I can fly
Why I'd fly

Clearly I will go sailing, no more

Randy Newman, Toy Story

What's bothering you?

Another one of the those questioning things brought on by Bogha Frois - when confronted with a down mood, she asks "What's bother you?" and then she asks "Why is that bothering you?" and then, "So what's really bothering you?". And on and on it goes.

Friends - they serve the useful purpose of pushing us and punishing us in ways that we would never do to ourselves.

And what has come out of this little exercise? Not the bottom of the hole, I'm sure, but I dredged something out.

I feel alone.

Alone, yet surrounded by people. It's an odd problem, yet one many writers far better than myself have plumbed: the idea that in modern society, we are more than ever surrounded by people, yet we are more than ever isolated.

What do I feel alone from? Those deep relationships that we all hope and hunger for, at some level.

Why? I realized that I am living a separate life. I am essentially living a form of opposite life from my family: I get up early, drive either alone or alone in essence, work all day surrounded coworkers, some of whom are good friends, but many of who are those whom we know because of convenience, rather than desire. At home, a brief time with the family as well as trying to accomplish those things that I want to do, and then bed - in theory by 9:30, although it probably should be earlier.

The other thing - and this is where my imagining comes in - is that I deeply desire the approval of others, especially others whom I think of as desirable or important. That, I realized, is what has driven my (at times) intense desire to be noticed by people whom I would otherwise not worry about: I perceive them as important or valuable or lovely or desirable, and so want them to like me. And when they don't (because, I think like me, they are often thrown together into situations of necessity or convenience rather than choice), I become disappointed or morose about the whole thing.

Is it the bottom? I don't think so, but we're digging down.

The Lake Isle of Inisfree

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:
Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee;
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart's core.

- W.B. Yeats

Taking Care of Old Business

Today I filled out the submission for my manuscript for the Writer's Edge. They will do a brief editorial check and, if acceptable, it will get sent out to a list of 75 publishers for their consideration.

While obviously I'd like some to happen, I'm just happy that I am finally doing it. This is something that I have worked on for 6 years - and I'm coming to believe that you can't move on until you finish up the business that you have already undertaken.

What happens if nothing happens? I have The Christian Writer's Guide, so I suppose that I can start submitting to publishers that didn't get the listing. Or look at publishing myself. Or, I suppose, even publish on the site.

The important thing is that this is a goal accomplished. On to the next work!

Sleep and Aloneness

I made a couple of interesting discoveries today concerning fighting with depression and tiredness:

1) Not surprisingly, the importance of sleep. I have been not sleeping well for over a month. I took a bit of a nap this afternoon, and was sufficiently energized enough to complete the day.

2) Aloneness: The Ravishing Mrs. TB granted me a lack of children this evening, as I was not hungry for dinner. I did pretty mundane things: washed cars, mowed, started cutting out old lavender blooms. The interesting thing was that the longer I did them, the better I felt, more ready to come in to reface my life.

I don't think I have been made so conscious about the value of aloneness in my life (similar, I might add, to the value of just thinking in my life). In reconsidering, I have never been more surrounded by people via work, commuting, and home than in most times in my life, yet never more denied time apart from them. I've always believed I enjoyed periods of solitude; I just did not realize how much I need them.

On Beans

Last night we planted soybeans and garbanzo beans. They're some of the easiest for An Clann to plant, because it's just a matter of how, rake, and then poke holes with the hoe handle for them to drop them into.

I always worry that I bury my seeds to deeply. The instructions say an inch, and I think I get an inch, but sometimes it seems a bit deeper. If they are too deep, they will exhaust their little selves trying to poke up through the dirt.

But is not that true of life and dreams as well - that we secrete them in ourselves so deeply, either hiding them from others, hiding them from ourselves, or "protecting" them from the harsh realities of life that they never make it through the soil into the sunlight?

For the beans, we'll know within a week. For myself, I think I have some hoeing and raking to do first.

Seeking God.

As part of today's reading from My Utmost for His Highest:

"Seek if you have not found. 'You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss...' (James 4:3). If you ask for things from life instead of from God, 'you ask amiss'; that is, you ask out of your desire for self-fulfillment. The more you fulfill yourself, the less you will seek God. '...seek, and you will find...' Get to work - narrow your focus and interests to this one thing. Have you ever sought God with your whole heart, or have you simply given Him a feeble cry after some emotionally painful experience? ..seek, [focus], and you will find...'"

This is interesting to me, as this is in some ways a complete reversal of both the general move of the self-help/me movement as well as some of the items that I heard this last weekend. "The more you fulfill yourself, the less you will seek God."

The line that caught my attention this morning as I read it was "If you ask for things from life instead of from God, 'you ask amiss'; that is, you ask out of your desire for self-fulfillment." This is at the heart of what I heard this weekend, let alone many of the books I have read: that we need to move boldly in the direction of our dreams, and "life" will open up the possibilities.

Which gets back to an earlier thought I had concerning the nature of goals that glorify God: what determines what we will move boldly in the direction of? If self-fulfillment is not the goal, but seeking God is, how do I effectively seek God while having to make my way in life, perhaps even pursuing dreams and goals?

A Thought

A brief thought as we prepare to head back to Day Two of our getaway: If an individual or a small group of individuals with enthusiasm is far more able to accomplish anything (change the world), why do we spend so much time trying to influence the large institutions instead of encouraging and empowering individuals and linking up?

A second thought: Those with enthusiasm will, in the end, be more successful than those without it.

Up and Out

An early posting this morning - The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself are off to my birthday present, a weekend seminar from motivational speaker Marcia Wieder. The Ravishing Mrs. TB saw her speak at a conference in Las Vegas and very much enjoyed her. She got her book, which she passed on to me to read. I also enjoyed it - not that she said anything specifically different from others that I have read, but the she did have a couple of good practical ideas for moving forward on your dreams and goals.

Which is what I need. I'm getting hopelessly stuck in a rut - and part of my recent battle with my own flesh and imaginings is, I trow, simply the boredom that comes from not feeling like I'm making any progress in any other part of life.

If we work towards goals, we've far too little time to waste on sin.

P.S. Pray for Otis. He got dealt a left hook at work this week, and is fighting hard to get things back on track. Go Otis!

Garden Goings

The last of the wheat was pulled out last night. I was still having smaller heads coming up, but I've reached the point that I need the space for something else, so out it came. That only leaves a stand of rye, which seems to ripen even later than wheat - it will probably be the end of June before it is ready.

It's amazing how much cleaner and more organized the garden looks now that the grain is pulled out. The ground is turned over, ready to grow and empty - except for some surprise potatoes popping up from plantings I had done 1-2 years ago, which is a pleasant surprise. It's a form of tabula rasa - the empty slate, ready to be written on - or planted, as the case may be.

What's already planted? Onions (three kinds), garlic, lentils, the potatoes, two tomato plants, three pepper plants, okra, two brussel sprouts, Aztec Blue corn, and two kinds of meat beans: Hidatsa Shield and Anasazi Bush Beans.

Still to plant? More garlic (can't have enough garlic), more onions, soybeans, garbanzo beans, two different kinds of tomatoes, zucchini, radishes, maybe some carrots, maybe some more corn.

Question for the Day

How does one keep one's focus on one's goals when surrounded by the things that one must do?

Imagination

I sit here at night, eyes burning, nose running;
I should be in bed.
But even in my state, my mind runs away from me,
going back to the old watering holes,
to places it should not be going.

I sometimes ask my:
"Is this a test from God?"
If it is, I must be doing poorly, because I fail
again and again.

If only the fire of my love for God
could burn as hot as the fire of my lust,
or come so easily to mind.

Sin is in - again?

Last night, I found myself terrible convicted after our Faith group - which is a bit remarkable to me, since I'm the one that leads it. The problem is, I'm not sure what it is over.

I sat down and made a list of the "garden variety" sins that I can usually pick out pretty quickly, but nothing that jumped right out at me.

Maybe it was the book we are starting: Malachi. A fine book, which I think has plenty to say to the Western Christian church of today about outer obedience versus inner compliance, and ways that we dishonor and disrespect God. Man's sinful nature is, if nothing else, terribly predictable and unchanging.

One thing that came to my mind as I was scrambling through Scripture last night, looking for some answer, was the concept of seeking God. Do I seek God? How does one go about this? God has a great deal to say about seeking Him, both the good and the bad, the rewards and the punishments - but do I really do it, or do I just make half-hearted attempts to go through the motions based on my understanding of God's word rather than what the word really says?

Do I have only outer obedience to the form of religion, or do I have inner compliance in my heart to the commands of God?

McDonald's and Vienna

I've been a bit morose lately (and the chorus says, when is he ever really not morose) - the economy has been much on my mind lately. Fuel prices have been the highest thought - I happen to have gas receipts going back to February 2 of this year, when I paid $3.06 a gallon. I just saw tonight that the "cheap" gas in town is $4.16. This now means that my daily commute is running me $16.00 a day, or $80.00 a week, or $320.00 a month.

The bad part is, I've taken just enough economics to know that any economy is actually a fairly fragile thing, based on feeling as much as fact - and generally limited to the least input. Right now, that input is fuel. The global economy, in some form or fashion, is built on fuel - from "Just In Time" manufacturing to the fact that virtually every product I buy, whether food or oil or books, is shipped from somewhere else. Fuel prices will affect everything - including, eventually, employment.

So to assist The Ravishing Mrs. TB tonight (as she was having an in-home spa party), I took Na Clann out to dinner tonight - McDonald's, a treat. As we sat outside in the play area, the girls running around, I was overlooking one of the main roads into town watching the cars go east and west as I picked through the remains of dinner. It suddenly hit me, in the slowly setting sun, that given all factors being the same, this was a thing and vision that was doomed to perish - and the system which built it as well. And not in the time frame of my life, but much, much sooner. It reminded me of being in Vienna in July of 1914, just prior to the start of World War I, when the feeling was the 800 year old Hapsburg Empire would last forever - that the civilized and elegant life that Vienna represented at the time would go on forever, unassailed by the world outside.

The image haunts me ever now, as I sit down to write about it. What does one do at the end of the world - or at least the world you knew?

Good News/Bad News

A bad news and good news day.

The bad news? My father called - apparently one of the three colonies we bought this spring is failing. They had brood in when I checked them two weeks ago, but apparently the queen failed after that. We're going to try to transfer the remaining brood and frames to one of the stronger hives, in hopes that we can strengthen the one and save the current brood. We'll see how it goes.

The good news? I got to work with my garden tonight, working in steer manure for finishing planting of beans and corn. It makes me happy because I have really worked hard on this soil, enriching it, rotating it, taking care of it. It is dark brown, rich, crumbly - just the way a soil should be. It bothered me last year when we had the house up on the market that I might have to leave the soil, because it was so good. This year, I once again get the pleasure of working with it.

Fallen Again

The problem is me.

I was reminded of this this weekend, by once again managing to fall (rather handily) into another gray area. The nature of it is not important - because, as I discovered as I was feeling (rightly) condemned by my sin, it really doesn't matter what the temptation is, it is I that am the one that goes for it, time after time.

It brought to mind the fact that truly, I am never really free of my sin nature. Redeemed yes; freed from the bondage of sin indeed; but still the flesh is ever with me, ever ready to yield at the drop of a temptation.

The key - or at least the key for me - is found in 1 Thessalonians 5:21-22, which says "Hold fast what is good, abstain from every form of evil". It is the second verse that I need to listen to and practice more: to abstain from every form of evil. Not to dance around it, not to dip my toe in it, not to "Go only this far and no more". It is not to start in the beginning.

I have never regretted the drink I never had, the lust I never indulged, the money I never coveted, the food I never overate on. Not once.

Potpourri

A very confused - and random week, loaded with things of portent and activity:

- First of all, the Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself celebrated 15 years of marriage this Thursday. It truly doesn't seem like it has been that long. Certainly of itself, it is a matter of some reflection, if for no other reason it seems that sometimes it is the exception rather than the rule. We celebrated by having dinner by ourselves (no children) at a brew pub, eating like adults and not having to fight to get anyone to eat anything.

- I have had more discussions at work (about leaving work), as well as some guidance in the idea of leadership. Leaders have to lead actively, not passively. I don't think I got that before.

- Nighean bhan and I finished threshing out all of our barley and the bulk of our wheat this week. I have one more cutting to do, then we can begin the summer garden in earnest.

- We traveled to the Ranch today to visit parents - surprisingly, it was a cloudy and rainy day for Memorial Day weekend (.8" of rain when we left). I went to peek into the bees - sure enough, the overwintered hive is putting honey into the supers. Honey for sure this fall!

- Finally, I filled up my tank with under $4.00 gas, probably for the last time. This one is bothering me particularly, as a general indicator of the economy to come. It now costs me $16.00 a day to commute to work. Long term, this is not tenable.

- (Okay, I lied) I also started giving some thought to goals, short term and long term. The short term ones were easy - I finally made myself focus on 10 to accomplish this year (I just have to let the rest go until next year). The long term ones were much harder, as they were much more general. It's kind of a difficult thing: I need to create these goals, yet given the current state of the world, it is difficult to create goals which may have no basis in reality.

And that, as they say, was the week that was...

Check in and a Haiku

Sorry I haven't posted regularly - been a bit busy. I will post more this weekend, as it is the holiday.

As a partially downpayment, please accept this haiku:

Reflecting window,
A light next door is drowned out
By the full white moon.

Bee Update

Yesterday we went up to the Ranch - to visit the bees, among other things. At the least, I was hoping that I at least no colony had died.

I got that - and more.

Of the three colonies we put in new, they were all in a state of growth - not all the same, but in every one there was sealed brood, emerging brood, larvae and eggs. In one we saw the queen, in the other two not (which, as a subtext, means I'll have to try and mark queens next year just to pick them out. They're easy enough to see when they're in the cage, but harder when they're mixed in with 10,000 other bees.

The real surprise was the overwintered colony. When last I saw them (almost a month to the day), both the top and bottom deeps were about 30-40% occupied (3-4 frames out of 10). When I opened them up this time, every frame on the top was completed filled with honey and loaded with bees - in fact, I don't know if we could have gone much longer before we had a swarming issue (in point of fact, this means the hive is probably close to it's high point of 60,000 bees). They were relatively mild, only getting a little cranky when I had to lift the hives up to remove the entrance reducer. In confidence of a bumper crop (it is still green there, and wildflowers probably have another month to go), we put not one but two supers in place.

It looks honey for sure this year!

The Whole Seed

I was struck this week, as I started to thresh my barley, by the fact that each individual barley berry (seed) I was knocking out would provide a whole plant by itself, given water, sun, and soil. The second thing that struck me is that the barley has to be completely destroyed.

The only way for the barley to produce the next crop is for it to completely die, to be transformed from a seed into a plant which is both useful and reproduces, is for it itself to completely lose what it is - a seed - and metamorphose into something else that is different indeed.

Do I apply this to my own life? Do I seek to completely commit myself - to die to myself, my wants, my desires - so I can be something that gives life to others?

"I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." - John 12:24

Barley Harvest

Last night was the Barley harvest. I have always been concerned about when to start it - I want to get the maximum amount, and not cut it too soon - yet it holds up valuable gardening space (although I believe I've finally started to figure out seasonally what to put where). The nice thing about this barley is that it turns black when it is ready to be harvested. That makes it pretty easy - even for me.

The other interesting things is that some volunteer wheat had crept in. I'm not one for ever wasting where I do not have too, so I had to cut around and through the wheat as well.

There is something calming about harvesting any grain: cutting it off near the stalk, hearing and feeling the semi dry or dry stalks as they come off into your hand, anticipating the final grain in your hand after all is done. It is, of course, easier if there is nothing to cut around - just go from right to left, grabbing the stalks in your left hand and cutting with your right, pulling them up, and then stacking them; then, going back for more. The cool evening breeze, the gradually reddening of the sun as it goes down, the rustle of the other barley and the wheat yet to be cut.

It doesn't get much better than that.

Work?

Another reminder today that I should really think about finding another job.

Yesterday, I had a dental and medical appointment, so I didn't go into the office - instead, between appointments and after, I worked on documents, checked my e-mails and responded, and telconned in. I felt pretty good, one of those "Ready to plan and take on the world" kind of days. The same was true today as I left late to have blood drawn: I was ready to go in, make a difference, and accomplish something.

I crawled home at 7:30 physically and mentally exhausted. After doing other things in the day, I got sucked into an emergency for someone else which took me an hour to resolve - then caught up on the items from the day before yesterday that I didn't discuss with my boss. Even now, there is a pile of work on my desk just waiting to ambush me tomorrow.

The funny - or frustrating - thing is that there is no sense of purpose or success to this work. If we complete it, more will come right after it. In a client based business, one never sees the completion - you're already on to the next project, and in my business, we're hardly doing things that truly make an impact.

If I feel this way day after day when I come home, something is just not right.

An Iron Will

This week I got a book that is one of those that I think I can say will change my life. The book: An Iron Will by Orison Swett Marden. It was originally published in 1901, and so may suffer from the accusation that it is "hokey".

It is a book about developing the power of the will, harnessing it to achieve as much as you can. He uses short paragraph length biographies about how individuals who were in far more dire circumstances than I have ever been, and how they used their willpower to overcome their difficulties and succeed.

I read a similar quote this week from author and consulting Brian Klemmer: "The energy used to power a light bulb and a laser are the same. The difference is how they are focused."

Which is part of Marden's point: to use your will effectively, it needs to be focused on whatever you want to achieve - which has always been part of my difficulty, as I have problems both deciding what I want to focus on (afraid by making a decision I will lose the power of choice, which is true, but may open up other vistas) and then sticking to it.

But, says my mind, we've passed 40 now, so the time to start deciding and focusing is now - before time runs out....

Buy the book. It's short enough to read every day, yet profound enough to mentally chew on for a while afterwards.

HWMNBN

I had breakfast with He Who Must Not Be Named (HWMNBN). It was of course a good time - being with HWMNBN always is - but a strangely refreshing in a way I had not anticipated.

HWMNBN's brother is dying - literally within the next few days. Yet HWMNBN is not at all dismayed with this - He is resting his whole weight on the promises of God. I was privileged to listen to a phone conversation between him and his aunt. He said that they were looking at it as a new birth - his arrival into heaven - and that he was jealous, as his brother was going to get to ride the perfect carbon fiber bike before him. He said that when his brother moved on, he was at such peace he didn't feel he would cry - that he knew where he his brother would be, and that it would truly be with the Lord.

It was privilege to hear this conversation - indeed, to be involved with this situation at all. HWMNBN's faith was so vivid and real at that moment, that I was put to shame. I need to have faith like that.

Pray for HWMNBN's family - even with his faith, it will undoubtedly still be hard. And pray for all those who have loved one dying, that they might have the knowledge and peace of Christ in their hearts.

Congratulations!

A special round of congratulations goes out tonight to Bogha Frois and L'Acadien, who got married tonight! A long time coming, and a very happy thing indeed!

"Marriages are all happy - It's having breakfast together that causes all the trouble." - Irish Proverb

Waiting

I'm onsite at a contract manufacturing organization (CMO) this week, here to observe the media fills for a client's runs.

If you've never been involved in pharmaceutical manaufacturing at a commercial plant, it's quite different from clinical or research manufacturing. The schedule is fixed weeks in advance, so you theoretically schedule your visit when all or the bulk of your work is to be done.

And then you arrive, and then life happens.

Of my three days here, the first day I got to observe the end of a run - starting at 12:oo AM and going until 2:00 AM. The second day was clean up, so I saw nothing. Today, I arrived at 8:00 to observe. However, due to personnel availability, the start of the run has been delayed, so here I sit. I have to leave at 4:30 this afternoon for the airport, so if I'm lucky, I'll get to see some of the filling process.

Manufacturing is like this.

But then again, this is a microcosm of life. Life is like this too, if I really admit it. We really like to believe we have control of all (or at least most) of the events of our lives, but how often are we stymied by events out of our control, or things that change, or things that fail or don't happen? At least for myself however, unlike the CMO environment, where I am understanding and patient, I tend to become impatient and lash out the people or circumstances around me. How do I reasonably explain this dichotomy?

The feeling of control, the control that I think I should have over all events in my life - but don't because it is simply impossible.

I need to be more patient and willing to wait - not just in work situations, but in all aspects of my life. The simple fact is, accept it or not, sometimes that's the way it is.

Rumination on an Illinois Cornfield

Withered sentinels,
Stalks in rows await the end,
Dead brown among green.

Goals, Dreams, and Guidance

I'm struggling again with goals, dreams, and guidance.

I found a great deal of help and comfort today in reading When I Don't Desire God by John Piper. It had some very practical suggestions for Bible reading and prayer and how the world and its beauties can point us to God.

A phrase that particularly captured me was "In daily life, to live wisely is to achieve the God centered goals for which we were created, including the glory of God in the gladness of our worship." (p. 145).

"To achieve the God centered goals for which I was created" - that, to me, is a perfect mission statement. It helps me to clarify my own:

To Write for Impact,
To Preserve for the Future,
To Lead for Change,
To Glorify God

- In that the focus of all of these is that that they are God centered.

So with that in mind, looking at all my wants and dreams, what are God centered goals?
- To glorify God in all that I do.
- To find joy in Christ more than anything is this world and glorify His worth through the His Word, Prayer, and His creation.
- To be a godly example and leader to my wife and children.
- To bear the Fruit of the Spirit (this would make a long list indeed!)
- To write in such a way that God is glorified.
- To preserve The Ranch (and all that I would have) in such a way that God's creation points others to God.
- To manage my physical body in such a way that it is useful to God yet is not glorified for the sake of itself.
- To use my mind in God glorifying ways through teaching and learning such that I glorify God more, not that I become more prideful or enamoured of my learning.
- To manage my finances in such a way that God is glorified in my money, not that my covetousness and greed are indulged.

Greetings from Illinois

Huzzah! Greetings from Illinois, where it is not quite the spring we have in California: when I left, it was 85 F and sunny. Here, it's 45-50 F, overcast, and we actually had snow today.

Travelling is good for the soul, even if I don't personally enjoy it all the time. The landscape alone is different: here, it's relatively flat and amazingly green to someone from Northern California. Flying over the US as we came, you are struck by the contrast of miles and miles of seemingly unoccupied desert with peaks thrusting their heads up, still snowbound.

Things here are much more spread out in the towns, as land is apparent not in short supply. Still, it is rural enough that I have seen some beautiful barns as I was driving. Lots of fields for what I assume will be corn (it's too late for most winter grains, and I think too early for the summer ones).

The one thing this all does do is make me desire to be at The Ranch even more. There's a way to make something there that will be economically viable. I know there is. Being out among the fields and barns makes it even more desirable (the green doesn't hurt either).

The question is what.

Who do you want to be today?

So challenged by Bogha Frois to take action after I note difficulties, this morning I sat down and made a list of role models: those individuals whom I think have characteristics worthy of emulating in part. None of this (with the exception of the first) is without flaw, but it is an interesting point of departure.

1) Jesus Christ - Saviour, Messiah, Son of God

Then, in no particular order:

2) John Bunyan (1628-1688): Christian Writer and Preacher. Wrote widely; his most famous book is Pilgrim's Progress.
3) Miyamoto Musashi (1584 - 1645): Japanese Swordsman. Author of A Book of Five Rings.
4) Nehemiah (active 444-424 BC): Cupbearer to Artaxerxes I; rebuilt walls of Jerusalem.
5) Ruth (ca. 1146-1105 BC): Biblical book and character; great grandmother of King David.
6) Esther (active 483-473): Biblical book and character; queen of Xerxes I, Persian King
7) Crazy Horse (1842 - 1877): War leader of the Lakota Sioux.
8) Leonidas son of Anaxandridas (ca 540 - 480 BC): Agiad King of Sparta; led the Three Hundred to the Pass of Thermopylae.
9) Marcus Porcius Cato (234 - 148 BC): Roman Statesman and Censor. Author of On Farming.
10) Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790): American statesman, inventor, scientist, politician, political theorist, diplomat, businessman, and author.
11) George Washington (1732 -1799): American General, Farmer, and President.
12) Elijah (Active ca. 870-855 BC): Hebrew Prophet.
13) Colum Cille (Columba) of Iona (521-597): Irish missionary monk to the Picts.
14) Gene Logsdon (Current): American man of letters, critic, and farmer. Author of numerous books.
15) Marin Luther (1483 - 1546): German monk, theologian, reformer, university professor and author.
16) John Carter - Warlord of Mars. Fictional character of Edger Rice Burroughs.
17) Michael Collins (1890 - 1922): Irish revolutionary leader, politician, Director of Intelligence for the IRA, and Commander in Chief of the National Army.
18) Theodore Roosevelt (1858 - 1919): American president, governor, historian, naturalist, explorer, author, and soldier.
19) CS Lewis (1898 - 1963): Irish author and scholar. Most famous for The Chronicles of Narnia.
20) Alexius Comnenus I (1048 - 1118): Byzantine Emperor. Founder of the Comnenus dynasty.

So there you have it. Even as I write them, I begin to see patterns: military, honor, leaders, farmers, authors. Even seeing this, I need to go a little deeper: Why do I admire these people? What is it about them that I would seek to emulate?

Role Models

So I'm struggling with goals and motivation - a fairly typical occurrence for me, as it happens every 3 months or so. I set goals, and then I lose my motivation to achieve them, feeling less than energetic, or a failure, or it doesn't matter.

So, in an excess of feeling as if I needed to be punished, I spoke with Bogha Frois. Two items came out of it:

1) What is your motivation set in?
2) How do you evaluate those whom you seek to emulate?

For 1), my motivation (as I have written earlier) always seems to be in the gaining of the approbation or pleasure of others. The nut to crack here is how to essentially self motivate, to set and seek out goals not for what they will cause others to do, but what they will make me.

For 2), Bogha Frois points out quite rightly that there is not necessarily a need to adapt folks without reservation, but to take the best part of different individuals and emulate them. Still, it is a relevant question: Whom do I believe are worthy role models? What about them should I seek to emulate? How do I do this?

Who are your role models, those whom you seek to emulate?

Some Thoughts to Start Today

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi

"Don't wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking." - William Butler Yeats

"Begin to be now what you will be hereafter." - William James

Running Bees

Having bees for a hobby is kind of like moonshining.

You pay for your bees, then you go to the site - invariably out away from "city folk" (lest the insects that support their fruit smoothies interfere with their lives - where, in a semi-clandestine exchange, you pick up (and pay for or prepay) x boxes - three in my cases. They go in the the trunk of your car, then off you go - in my case, with my three daughters, to act as cover in case of a traffic pullover.

Then, you drive to the location of your hives - again, away from the "city folk" -, going through the small rural towns of the valley. You look in your back mirror, and suddenly one of the bees which was attracted to the queen's pheromones and was on the outside of the box has now floated up to the back window. No worries - one bee.

Then, when you look back a little later (trying not to swerve and attract attention), you see it's two. Then three. Soon, ten - all against the back window, but now at least one is flying around the back of the car.

So, you pull over, away from the freeway, hoping again you don't attract attention. Out go the bees after a little shooing. You eventually have to do this another one to two times.

Finally, you arrive at your locale of hive placement - after 250 miles of driving (for me, The Ranch). Using a home prepared substance out of legal materials (syrup), you doctor it up for your purposes (with essential oils and antibiotics to feed the bees.

The hives, which were on hold since last year, are back out of storage. Into each hive, you take the queen cage stuffed with marshmallow (no queen candy in them) and place it in the center of the deep. Then, against all common sense, you slam the bees to the bottom of their box - two times at least - then start pouring clumps of bees into the hive (you would not think bees would clump, but they do). In fact, leaving all leave of your senses, you play Bee pinball, trying to roll smaller clumps through the hole in the box and into the hive. All of this, you do three times.

Then, you place a feeder above each hive, as progressively more bees whir around your head, and pour into it a portion of your "syrup", after having placed a "pollen patty" (a patty purportedly made of pollen and other "ingredients") onto the top of the hive. On top of this, you place the lid. Again, you do all of this three times.

I love having bees.

And if you think this sounds like moonshining, wait until we talk about taking honey...

Creation

Gardening, to me, is proof that God exists. How else could you explain that planted things, which seemingly do not have any of the required things or prime conditions for them, grow?

Witness my asparagus. I planted them without a row, probably not a wide enough trench, in some cases with the roots seemingly pointed up - yet when I went out on Wednesday, a frond caught my eye. Over the last two days, more have started showing up.

It appears I have asparagus.

What a good God - that we are granted a surfeit of wealth in the food that comes from His creation, if only we exercise a little effort. In fact, in so much He is gracious - "He makes the rain to fall on the just and the unjust."

The miracle of creation is not that we exist, but that God in His mercy and goodness continues to pour out His grace and love on rebels in every aspect of our existence.

Change

So I think I've figured out what the dream means, and why imaginings/fantasies are so attractive to me.

My realization started today with the thought, based on Bogha Frois' comments, that a dream with a known result is seemingly more desirable to me than reality with unknown results. Why? Because you don't know (and can't control) the outcome.

Then I realized that there are two types of people in my life: those whom I perceive as making changes or decisions and it having no impact, and my imaginings, in which my which my choices have direct impact (that whole cause and effect thing that was beaten into me in physics). Put another way, there are those to whom I try to live up to, and those to whom I live at the same level.

Which then brought forth the thought, why do you change, make decisions, or take actions?

More often than not, it is to get an action or behaviour out of others - rather than changing for them sake of improving myself or taking action.

Which is why 90% of my changes, decisions, or actions fail - because I take them based on the expected actions or behaviour of others, rather than for the benefit or excellence that is to be derived from them personally.

Do I care too much about the opinion of others? Why don't I live up more to the image of what I could be, rather than what I am?

Is this why I lack self confidence - that if I do something in hopes of affecting someone else and it fails, I feel like I have failed - instead of the intended action not causing the desired effect?

Grain

My grain is starting to reach the point that I need to consider harvest.

It's interesting - I learned some things for next year. Mostly the fact that my summer and winter gardens need to change sides as the seasons turn, and that fallow is not a really bad thing.

Again, my barley seems to have done super well. I have less crops of my two wheats, and maybe some rye as well - but the rye was planted on the summer side, and buried by weeds, so it seems to not have done as well.

The kicker is for next year. Even I, in my paranoid fashion, am eyeing the growing turmoil in food production. Could I plant enough grain on my garden to support us for a year? No way.

But - could I put in enough grain at the Ranch to do it? Maybe. I'd need more equipment - largely a manure spreader (readily available), a reaper/binder (less available), and a thresher (More difficult, although I've seen plans for a simple one). And seed, of course - although the items we used the year we tried were not nearly as productive as the stuff I grow at home.

I only need one good year, and then an annual rotation. Maybe I'm being silly, but I like my bread, I like to grow and grind grain - and a little paranoia once in a while is not a bad thing...

Odd Dream Part II

The ever helpful Bogha Frois analyzed my dream for me this afternoon.

"So what's it mean" she asked?

"I've no idea. Nothing in it makes sense."

"What did DT represent?"

"Personally, not a clue. If I had to think about it, I'd probably say it represents my inner longings that feel like their being trapped-"

"Nope."

"Nope?"

"Nope. Here's what I think. With DT, you said that you already know what any outcome would be?"

"Yeah. You did read the blog, right? This is the kind of person I am well familiar with from my past."

"So what you're saying to me is that this...this..."

"Daydream?"

"Okay, daydream...this daydream, although you already know how things are going to end, is more desirable to you than the problems you are facing. You'd rather face a known failure than the unknown problems that you have to work on."

"In other words..."

"In other words, even you're daydreams are sad in that you dream about things you know will go badly. At least dream about something happy."

"But the dreams that are happy would never be. You know that."

"Yes I know. How pathetic is that?"

Like I said, she's very helpful.

But thought provoking. I know in my heart of hearts that I can never move in that direction, that the outcome is preordained - but that doesn't seem to stop some portion of my mind.

Desire is a dangerous and headstrong thing - given its head, it will run one over the cliff without thinking.

Glorifying God

Had a very good - and very thought provoking - men's retreat this weekend. The focus was on prayer, specifically the Lord's Prayer (Mathew 6: 5-15). The teaching was by Pastor Robert Briggs of Immanuel Baptist Church. It included the nature of how we pray, the Lord's prayer as a model, and the attitude of prayer.

The thought that has convicted me since then is simply my own unworthiness and my self focus. As Pastor Briggs pointed out, the Lord's prayer is designed such that first is God and His priorities, then us and our priorities. God's priorities: That the name of God is to be glorified, that there a serious interest in the furtherance of the Kingdom of God, and that there is a desire to see the accomplishment of the will of God on earth.

Frankly, the whole discussion simply made me realize how shallow and weak I am. How often am I concerned with glorifying God - I mean, I say I do, but do I really mean it? How often do I substitute my own desire and wants as ways that I will glorify God (by getting my own needs met) rather than simply seeking to glorify Him by obeying Him?

For example: I have a list of things I want to do, things I would like to be. In reality, I have been given certain gifts by God - am I seeking to glorify Him by using them to His glory, or am I seeking to use them to glorify myself or make myself feel better?

There's a lot caught up in this - submission, goals, holiness obedience. It was unsettling and good - but I am still haunted by the thought of glorifying self instead of glorifying God.

Sunrise

Above the pink haze,
Twin peaked mountain stands waiting
as the sun creeps up.

Another Odd Dream

I had another one of those "Odd" dreams again last night. The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself were driving to the bottom of the American River Canyon to go to a Starbucks (and no, there is no Starbucks at the bottom of the American River Canyon). Once we were there, for some reason the Ravishing Mrs. TB had a quesodilla but wanted another one. For some reason I had one, but nothing to cut with. She was insistent that I get a knife or something from the cashier. This seemed to be a big deal - her insistence, my reluctance.

So I did ask, and get it. Suddenly, it's night and time to leave. We go out to the car, and suddenly I see DT there with family (I assume). We get in the car to leave, my eyes trying to catch DT's, even as they drive away. We get in, and we ourselves drive away in the dark.

And then again, I wake up in a disturbed mood (late for work, to boot).

Reality Smackdown

So I reached the point tonight (as I do occasionally) where work has become so stressful that I think to myself, "Self, I need to think about a new job."

I don't do this lightly. I don't really want to start over at the bottom somewhere else. But due to some home responsibilities this morning, I got to eat with my family, see my girls off to school, and drive in the sunlight. Gosh, I thought, wouldn't it be great if life was always like this?

So then I started looking online tonight. And now, I'm thankful I have a job.

There is nothing in my field in my area - or almost nothing. Entry level positions, perhaps one or two potential jobs (one of which I've interviewed for at least twice before), but not nearly what there was even a year ago.

This is jarring to me. It's also a reality smackdown, as this is continuing a trend I have noticed. Five years ago, interest from recruiters and companies dropped from trees. Two years ago, you had to work a bit, but there were still plenty online. Even a year ago, there was a fair amount online.

Now, not so much.

So the question: how do I manage my job and my stress level and the fact that for the duration, approximately 19 hours of my day are consumed by work or sleep (12 hours work, including commute, 7 hours sleep)?

How do I remain thankful I have a job?

Meetings, Emergencies, and Onions (and Garlic)

Today was just a slogging, miserable day - the kind of day where you start meetings at 0830 that bleed into other meetings, then into meeting for an emergency, then lunch when you talk about the emergency, then another meeting about the emergency, then you end up leaving 8.5 hours later (rising time is 0430, with a 2 hour commute in the afternoon) missing yet another meeting but you have a carpool, so off you go. The fabulous thing is that you have somehow managed to avoid doing any of the work that you intended to do, so you have that to work on as soon as you come in the next morning.

And the emergencies - that's the sheer insanity. There are moments when one feels as if one is trapped where the very process of thinking has been somehow abandoned, where common sense was left at Tivoli, where not only does the right hand not know what the left hand is doing but it is questionable if any two fingers on the same hand are moving in the same direction.

So to make myself happy, I planted onions and garlic.

The garden is getting ready to make the switchover from winter to spring: The wheat, rye, and barley are in full head now, and I am digging around them, preparing for the next round. The potatoes have sprouted, and I had the rather unusual experience of trying to plant asparagus - the root balls were big, and they take up lots of room, and then I figured "If I can plant them in rows, why not post holes?" We'll see - these things never work out well for me.

I planted three types of onions - yellow sets, seeds for Alisa Craig (a yellow bulbing onion), and Red Torpedo Onion ( a not surprisingly red onion). I like planting seeds, as it does give you more selection, and you can plant them closer - you pull them early for green onions (Yum!). The garlic are just plain old 3rd generation Safeway that I bought and have saved - although I have been getting some fabulous purple heads (which are hot - again, yum!).

It's amazing to me how happy being in the garden, working with the soil and plants, makes me - not that I have any more control over the process, but perhaps because I am less at the receiving end of circumstances beyond my control.

And, I suppose, that I get to eat the fruits (or vegetables) of my labor, instead of collecting more paper which will eventually be recycled.

Simple Pleasures

This evening one of simple pleasures. As the Ravishing Mrs. TB has had a hard week, I offered to take the girls out for a while. We used the Truck (always a pleasure for me) and went to In-n-Out burger for dinner. I am coming more and more to appreciate the virtues of In-N-Out for various reason: They are inexpensive (one of the few places we can feed our family for under $20.00), they are tasty, and since it costs the same to go to McDonald's, why not go where you like it more? (No small plastic knick-knacks to lay around, either)

After that, we went over to Lowe's. I typically don't like going to big home improvement stores (but prefer Lowe's to Home Depot), but I had gift cards, so off we went. We got peat pots to start our garden vegetables - in the past, I've been lazy about it , and my gardening suffers for it.

I also got a few flowers to plant around the front of the house. I've pretty much surrendered to the fact that for landscaping, especially out front (which typically I never see, because I'm in the house), as long as it is neat, easy, and has flowers, I'm good. At this point, we're not seeking to sell the house, and we're certainly not trying to impress anyone, so why not be reasonable.

One of the gems of the evening was watching the girls point out and follow the sparrows that live inside Lowe's. They always remind me of seeing the small things and valuing them.

And then, home and reading and bed. All in all, a reasonable evening.

Foggy Moon

Coastal pre-dawn fog
diffuses the crescent moon
as a pastel blur.

Spring in wine country

Smudgepots in vineyards,
Smokey squat Spring Jack-O-Lanterns
Scare away the cold.

The waning moon is blurred
by translucent harbringers:
Spring is not quite here.

Speech

So yesterday, I was preparing for my faith group lesson. We have currently been going through Titus, generally taking a section as broken down in the MacArthur Study Bible. Originally, I was going to do Titus 3:1-8.

Then, that whole thing about the Word of God being sharper than a two-edged sword, dividing between the soul and the spirit, came to light.

The verses we actually got to were verses 1 and 2: "Remind them to submit to rulers and authorities, to obey, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no-one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing all meekness to all men".

In doing this study, I consulted Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Whole Bible. Here's a sample of where we ended up - for me, the most condemning part, the question of speaking evil of no-one:

“To speak evil of none, unjustly and falsely, or unnecessarily, without call, and when it may do hurt but no good to the person himself or to any other. If no good can be spoken, rather than speak evil unnecessarily, say nothing. We must never take pleasure in speaking ill of others, nor make the worst of any thing, but the best we can. We must not go up and down as tale-bearers, carrying ill-natured stories, to the prejudice of our neighbour’s good name the destruction of brotherly love. Misrepresentations, or insinuations of bad intention, or of hypocrisy in what is known, things out of our reach or cognizance, these come with reach of this prohibition. As this evil is too common, so it is of great malignity.” (p. 2373).

Talk about being hit between the eyes. Yes, perhaps I don't engage in directly saying evil about others, but how often to I insinuate, say something when I should say nothing, read into circumstances that which is not there, give interpretations when I don't know.

The thing which I think bothers me more is how often I try to conceal it from myself by couching it in terms of being informed, or honest, or "getting a complaint off my chest." To read Henry, I'm just fooling myself.

But isn't that the nature of so much of our ingrained sin - that we conceal it from ourselves by the excuses that we make? As the Apostle Paul said, "But if we judged ourselves truly, we should not be judged" (I Corinthians 11:31) (Although interestingly enough, the Greek is more to "If we discerned ourselves/judged ourselves correctly, we would not be discerned/judged). Did I judge myself honestly today -or hide my sin under a layer of intentional ignorance?

Roots

Today, as I was mowing and edging my lawn, I got to looking at the joint at the bottom of my driveway, the connection between it and the sidewalk. When it was built, they laid down this sort of brown filler, semipermeable, which occasionally picks up weeds which grow out of it. As I was in the pulling mood anyway, down I went.

Imagine my surprise when, in pulling out these seedlings, I pulled a root as long or longer than the plant itself! The other version was the root ball, where again the bulk of the roots were bigger than the plant itself.

Do I have that kind of tenacity? When the going gets tough, do my roots go down deep, perhaps deeper than myself? Or am I just on the surface, waiting for the next blade shovel to lop me off at the top and then I'm done?

Common Sense

Job security is a funny thing - especially in the industry I work in. It' s a well conceded fact that, unless you move around every 3-5 years, you are perceived to be in a position too long (unless you're senior management, of course). Companies rise and fall on the basis of their products, either succeeding (and often getting purchased) or failing (and falling apart), with employees wandering and reforming into new configurations.

I had had moderate faith until today that my company's leadership had sound decision making capacities. They had a game plan, they were following it up, and this hoped to turn the corner with a new avenue of business.

Until today, when I and my manager are arguing about something that seems so basic to understanding of how this industry works. The response we got was essentially "We're willing to take the business risk (based on what is in my opinion a silly philosophy) just so we can get it done. We'll deal with the consequences later - and besides, there are other checks in place to prevent bad things from happening".

And then you start running out the options: If this fails, it's likely the board would not endorse further actions in this direction, which would change the direction of the company. We would fall back on our primary business which, though profitable, definitely is not a real revenue generating tool. Not much revenue, not lots of perks - not lots of employees either, possibly.

It alarms me (and I don't really know why it should) that so often people whom I believe have the experience to know better, don't. It is a constant reminder that common sense is not all that common.

I've often said that operating at risk means that sometimes you fail. It surprises me how few individuals really believe that.

The Home Closet

So I reorganized my home corner last night. It was something that I had needed to do, and I finally had some time.

My home corner, for those that don't know, is the office that I had always wanted to have. Our fourth bedroom was already converted to an enlarged family room, and we did not buy in time to expand the single car portion of our garage into a room...so I have the back end of our walk in closet.

It has a desk that fits right in the slot (oddly enough, the desk I have had since the fourth grade) which gives me a work surface, and the three surrounding walls, which give me a place to hang things. Part of my frustration was that I was buried in clothes and general clutter - but that has been taken care of.

I need a work space, a work environment conducive to thinking and writing (and harp playing, as it turns out), and this is the option I have.

But having it clean and organized does give me a sense of both victory as well as of order. I have reclaimed my little corner of the house.

Now to use it.

Fog

In the after night
morning fog hems in the town's light,
lighting another dawn.

Mirror of my soul,
Fog floats across the moon's face
as thoughts crowd my heart.

A long motion in the same direction

There are moments in life where one pops up for air, looks around, and is suddenly overwhelmed by the sameness of the landscape. It's like driving on Interstate 80 through Nevada: Hills, scrub brush, a half dozen trailer parks with tumbleweed in their yard - look, a town! - hills, more scrub brush, how long until we get there...

It's a damnable, dull gnawing thing. One has much to be thankful for - far more blessed than one could have ever hoped - but yet there is a nagging feeling of the sameness of it all, a sameness in all one does and all one's relationships: I get up at the same time, I read the same things, I go to work the same way, I do the same thing, I come home in the same traffic, I go through the same routine at home, I wash the same dishes, do the same pre-bed activities, and off to bed I go.

Look it's another day.

It's at moments like these that I struggle to find God in my circumstances. I feel not so much abandoned as ignored, as if I've been put on cruise control. Moments of supernatural are few and far between, crushed out between the deadly dull realities like a daisy smashed between two paving stones.

It's also at moments like these that I find myself more and more wanting to throw it all away, to hit the road, to do the anti-dull routine thing, to be zany and crazy and wild and passionate and exciting - all the things that it feels like I'm missing. But then I get caught, thinking "But who will pay for, and what will be done about, and what will this look like...."

How does one resolve the incongruity of the swiftness of time and the slowness of living through it?

Morning Mist

Fog rolls off farm pond:
How hot must the moonlight be
to make it do thus?

Three Spring Haikus

Flags rustle gently
as the wind makes the trees roar
through which the birds sing.

Floating above death,
A spider constructs her web
As the spring rill flows.

As the sun sinks low,
A lone bee buzzes slowly,
Making its way home.

Easter Communion Meditation

This is the Easter Communion Meditation I will be presenting this Sunday, March 23.

If you would turn with me to Luke 22:14 – 20. Luke 22: 14-20. This represents one of the three gospel accounts we have of the institution of the last supper.

Read Luke 22: 14-20

I would draw your attention to verse 15. In the Greek, the words “With fervent desire I have desired” is only two words, Epithumia Epithumesa. The first word – Epithumia – is a word used to indicate a burning passion or desire. The same word is used to describe lusts or sinful desires, used by the Apostle John in 1 John 2:16 to refer to “the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh”, an overwhelming burning desire. The second word – Epithumesa – is the verb, indicated again a fervent desire – literally the two words mean “With fervent desire I have fervently desired”.

Think of it. For Christ, the end of His time on earth is here. He is on the precipice of suffering both physically through death and spiritually through separation from God. He will be beaten, mocked, spit on, lashed until He is a bleeding wreck, crucified, and die. He, the Sinless One, will suffer the consequences of the sins of all believers.

And yet, as the Apostle John writes, “Having loved His own, He loved them to the end.” He loves them so much that in spite of what is coming, He wants to share the founding of the new covenant first with them – it was burning desire within Him.

He no less fervently desires to share the New Covenant with us– the prospect of forgiveness of sin and everlasting life with Him, salvation instead of eternal wrath.

He gives them bread, symbolizing His broken body and juice, symbolizing His blood shed for New Covenant. He gives them the physical representation of what will spiritually be accomplished in less than a day.

On Easter Sunday, we commemorate the resurrection of Our Lord, and what was accomplished by His sacrifice and death on the cross. A brutal, painful, disgraceful punishment Christ, the sinless Lamb of God, bore for us, who could not pay the debt of sin nor merited His favour by any good that we possess.

Take the bread and the juice thoughtfully. Take them reverently. Is there a sin you need to confess? Is there some issue you need to work out before God? Do it before partaking.

Are you not a believer? If so, we ask you not to partake but to reflect upon what the sacrifice of the Son of God should mean for you.

Christ is risen – but in partaking of communion, let us not forget the sacrifice He has made on our behalf.

Let us pray.

Commuting

Rising and falling,
The moon floats over foothills
As I drive along.

What the market will bear

It was brought to my attention recently that perhaps I am expecting too much out of the relationships in my life. Part of it, to be sure, is my innate sense of fantasy and imagination, the wanting (in some cases, envisioning in my mind with no foothold in the real) of the very best, the most desirable.

But is this reality? Do I expect too much of friends, family, loved ones? Do I seek to place on them the weight of needs and expectations that truly only belongs on God?

If yes, then this is somewhat freeing - nay, is freeing. This should, in theory, mean that I can accept others for what they are and what they demonstrate they are capable of giving, not necessarily what I expect of them.

On the other hand, it is depressing and frightening. Those things which I imagined would improve might very well not. Those burdens that I bear that I thought would be lightened may not only not lighten, but increase.

Or is part of the issue as well those imaginings? From youth, I have had daydreams or fantasies (no, not of the sexual kind) of circumstances in which I am my best, I rise to the forefront, I am the conquering hero. As I have come to see, those do have a place - provided you use them as a point of reference and basis of achievement instead of just continuing to dwell in a sort of dream world. But have these things come to taint my ability to accept folks as they are (which I like to think I generally do) and dream of what they could - or should be? I know this is not true of all I have relationships with - but is it true of more than I realize?

Haikus

In the Spring pre-dawn
The chill breath of winter lies
atop a warm breeze.

River fog billows,
A translucent dark curtain
as orange moon smiles down.

People you don't expect in dreams

There is nothing more confusing or disconcerting than dreams in which unexpected people show up for reasons not clear to you when you wake up.

For example: Last night, I had a dream where someone whom I did not expect appeared in my dream. For some reason I was supposed to meet this person. We had a conversation, as I was apparently trying to convince them to come with me somewhere, which they acquiesced to. We drove in separate cars. When we arrived, the person got out of the car, and was apparently on the phone with some country leader - a prime minister, I believe - and was talking with them on the phone as I was walking with them, trying to have a conversation. The individual hangs up, we start to go around the side of the house, and a family member calls me about meeting for lunch. I speak with this person, who again seems somewhat reluctant to go to that restaurant.

And then I woke up.

The two things that nag me are: 1) What was the person doing there? It was not someone I would have expected; and 2) What was it about them that so made me desire to get their attention?

Awareness

There are those moments that overwhelm us, that lay our pettiness and our fears bare. They are not always well controlled - sometimes, they come unbidden of ourselves, but of conversations we have with others, the flicker of a petal on a flower, the off-taste broccoli that suddenly brings us back to food we were eating.

In some cases, it is a denial of what we perhaps know in our heart of hearts, but are afraid to admit in in the light of day.

In other cases, it is a willing admission of that which perhaps we should in fact keep hidden, but blurt out into the hidden darkness of others' souls.

How is it that such things rest so lightly with us, seeing that they have such power to harm or help? How is it that such pettiness, fears, and wrath lie within us, ready to spring forth only to work harm on ourselves or others? And how strange it is that all around us, others bear the same pockets within them?

Spring Moon

Buttery yellow,
The moon melts, gently sliding
across the March hills.

Reminders of Answered Prayer

So yesterday, the Ravishing Mrs. TB calls me over and says "Listen to the van when it starts." Sure enough, there's a sound, like something hitting something right when it starts. Ironically, I had received my bonus on Friday. Grumbling about expenses rising to meet income, we set up to drop the car off at our mechanic's today.

Which we did - after adding in a brake check, oil rotation, and tire change. I was muttering to myself as I drove everyone home in the Escort about how there was little enough for my own wants, but enough to cover these "emergencies".

And then it hit me tonight - a great deal hit me tonight:
1) The bonus came just in time to deal with this (along with our tax refund) - besides which we had the money to pay off one card and make a significant payment on the other.
2) It also gave us the funds to do things like fix the sewing machine, fix the Ravishing Mrs. TB's bike, and buy a new printer.
3) We also have a third car - The Fabulous Ford F250 - that we have as a backup instead of having to shuffle with one car.
4) Most amazing to me was the sudden realization that we had prayed for the Ravishing Mrs. TB to be able to quit the job she was doing last year to spend more time with the family. She did, on faith - and we have made more than we did with her working.

Who am I to complain about a little thing like a noisy van?

Shortcuts Make Long Delays

I had a dream last night which has started a rather reflective (and potentially depressing) thought process for a Palm Sunday.

In this dream, I was visiting someone I knew in grade school, someone that I have not seen for 25 years. Apparently, as part of my visit, we were reviewing a scrapbook he had made. His comment to me was "This is a look over the last 20 years of my life."

I woke up, but being that I had not slept well anyway, began to lay there in the early morning dark and began to make a mental comparison of the last 20 years. Let's see: 20 years ago (1988), I was in my second full semester at Humboldt State. My process of wandering had not started yet, but was about to accelerate.

Looking back over the intervening period of time was not much better. Yes, I know that 0430 is not the time to be thinking about anything of import (at least, not while you have had no sleep) because one magnifies the errors and minimizes the positives, but I am still hard pressed to explain all the things I did. In some cases, the errors of yesterday are finally being worked out and made right today (I'm a believer in the theory that in order to advance, you've first got to stop your direction, make a U-turn, and get back to point where you made the detour. Shortcuts across country to make up time lead to long delays.). But still, what might have been accomplished had those journeys which I took been replaced by things of greater worth (As Aslan says to a character in The Silver Chair in response to the question "May I know what would have happened if I obeyed?", "What would have happened? Child, no-one is ever permitted to to know that."

The good points and good impacts I've made are there as well, and I'm neither so foolish nor so arrogant to suppose that there are none. But I feel like Robert Murry McCheyne saying "Not a trait worth remembering! And yet these four and twenty hours must be accounted for." Time is going forward, not backwards - may the next 20 years leave me with less to regret and more to look forward to.

Growing Up

Nighean gheal and I had an interesting conversation on the drive up to The Ranch yesterday. It started by her asking why older girls didn't play with toys so much. I responded that I wasn't sure, but it was not as if they didn't play - they played sports, which was a form of game. She agreed, then asked why grownups didn't play and why some got serious and boring when they grew up.

I didn't have a really good answer to that - and I don't know that I do.

Why do we not play as adults? Why are we - let's be specific, I - so much like what my daughter points out, serious and boring?

I could make the argument that one has to be serious and "boring" as an adult, because of the responsibilities that one must undertake. But do responsibilities means a lack of fun and play?

I suppose I could also point out that I have "lost" that point of view as a result of life - but again, much of that loss was by my own choice. I craved to be thought of as an "adult" without thinking as to what all that entailed.

Christ Himself encouraged us to be "Wise as serpents and innocent as doves" (Matthew 10:17), and Pauls himself notes we are to use the time we are provided with wisely (Ephesians 5:15; Colossians 4:5). But wisdom is not the same as serious, and innocence in no was implies boring.

For those who say, "Well, if we were are all playful and not serious, what shape would the world be in?", the answer (not original to myself) is "What shape is the world in now?"

Is play, fun, and a zest for living in opposition to serious and responsible? Or is this a construct of my own mind? Perhaps the place to start is to determine what we take seriously, and why - or what will truly matter five years hence, ten years hence - indeed, eternity hence - and what is merely paper mache, which will have no impact beyond that of making us feel important rather than being of import.

Bees and Weather

I am always set at ease when I come up to the Ranch, a sense of sloughing off my concerns and problems to be surrounded by nature and thought. This time, beyond the anticipated green of oncoming spring, I had a second goal - check the bees.

The weather was not co-operative. Ideally, one wants a warm day, one in which the bees will be out and active (thus less in the hive). I hemmed and hawed as the cloudy day gradually overtook the sun, then broke down and took my chance.

The bees are fine. I only did the upper deep, as in removing frame I broke some of the burr comb which had larvae. The bees were active, larvae were present (indicating the queen was there at least five days ago), and honey and pollen were present. No sense in stirring things up more than necessary. I sealed them back in, their little black eyes and heads staring at me from between the frames.

And good thing that I did check them then. After that, the weather turned no better: it hailed, snowed, and rained, the sun never making more than a brief appearance, the blue sky currently just appearing as a bold blue slash among the gray clouds.

But even in this otherwise winter day, looking out over the upper meadow, I see a cheery patch of yellow daffodils peering through the bare branches of an oak, a single dead brown leaf waving back and forth, slightly blocking them then bringing them into sight.

Even as winter slowly goes, spring breaks through the background in glorious color.

Sunset at the Divide

Pink streaks amidst gray:
Orange and yellow embers shine
on brush green canyons.

Tilting at Windmills

Tilting at windmills,
My gift of spring is overcome
By commercial blooms.

Tilting at windmills,
My gift of commerical blooms
Is overcome by food

Good Morning!

Above grey cloud's head,
A morning star sings its song
As dark blue dawn waits.

Pink petals are out, white petals are in

In the gradual moving of the season, most of the pink petals - fruitless plums, I believe -are quickly blowing away in the wind. They are now being vividly replaced by white blossoms from other trees (of what kind, I have no idea). They have a characteristic odor of themselves, but are different in that they are mixed in among the leaves.

Spring is well nigh upon us - good from my point of view, as I am looking forward to the bees harvesting their nectar and pollen. Another fine example of a hobby changing how one views life: I cannot think of paying more than a passing attention to such things before, but now I notice them everywhere: the brilliance of the yellow wild mustard (it is everywhere on my commute now), the gentle pre-burst of the ornamental manzinita at our office park (which is good, as there is more manizinita at the Ranch, which makes for good honey - although I have always viewed the stuff as a fire hazard!), the brilliant green of the grass. It is especially scenic driving home from work (when it's actually light), seeing the yellow mustard swaying in the afternoon sun, framed against the emerald green grass amidst the brown trunks of grape vines, preparing their spring burst even now.

It is one of those moments where the entire creation sings in one glorious opening chorus to it's Creator - a strangely appropriate and moving thing in this Easter season, when we celebrate the victory of Christ over death and sin. It's as if, this year, creation raises up the reminder of new life after death even as it prepares for another year of fruitful living.

A Quick Morning Thought

How does one decide what one wants to be out of the plethora of possiblities of what could be?

Silence

A silent moment - one child in bed, two away, and the Ravishing Mrs. TB off at a class. It's unusual to have this during the evening. The only sounds I hear are the muted sound of traffic, the low buzz of my laptop as it operates, and an occassional bubble from the fish tank.

I like silence - actually prefer it, in many cases. It's good for thinking. It's also good for praying, reading, and simply being. It' s an overused cliche to say that we live in a noise filled society, but in some cases they are cliches simply because they reflect reality. From my car's road noise, even if the radio is off, to the din of an office, to the noises of a typical house with children, my day is filled with noise. And that doesn't include the things that we often add as background noise just to fill the silence: music, TV, even listening to the mindless blather of others simply to fill the void.

Perhaps we don't like silence because, deeply felt, it reminds us of the fears of dying - or perhaps it reminds us of the emptiness we have in ourselves. It just strikes me as odd that something so seemingly useful is abhorred by so many.

Sauerkraut and Lemonade

This weekend was one of those that involved working with the world: mowing and edging (my lawn as well as Nighean Dhonn's preschool), overseeding, and using some of what we grew: cutting cabbage for sauerkraut, making lemonade and orange juice from my in-laws lemons and oranges, shelling our corn from last year for culling, saving and planting (and cornbread).

There is something subtle yet satisfying - I don't know what - about using foods that you know were they came from, especially those that were grown by you. It is the satisfaction that, at some level, every gardener, livestock owner, farmer, or brewer/viticulturalist feels when eating their own food. It is the full end of the cycle: you, in concert with nature, helped to grow and raise this food. You known what went into it. You know where it came from. It is like earning a salary at the end of a pay period, but better - you can't directly eat a salary (but you can eat a celery purchased with your salary).

It is, I suppose, what calls people to garden or farm or raise grapes or rabbits or whatever: that call that I can work with nature and produce something of use.

Spring Haze

Under icy wisps
White puffs float above green wheat:
Snow on Sierras.

Two Haikus

Thinking to hear snaps
Pink petals feel damp and cool:
My dreams float in wind.

In spring time runoff,
White Heron stately searches
for lunch in brown lake.

Chasing DT

You do not know me,
nor would I wish you too,
as there is a certain joy in anonymity.
You are what I perceive as desirable,
or are you?
Do I mistake you for the thing that you represent,
the thing that I truly desire?
In seeking passion, do I confuse it with and settle for desire?

You do not know me,
but perhaps,
I do not know myself.

Spring

Pink snow waits, then moves,
as brown spindly clouds make more.
Look: Spring has Arrived

Agape

One thing that I have always found difficult about the concept of agape love is how does one keep it from becoming a duty, something one must do?

Agape, if you're not familiar, is the love that we as Christians are called to express to one another. It's the love Christ has for us. It represents a commitment of the will to do the best for the other person, regardless of how one feels. This is in contrast to the other 3 words for love in Greek - Phileo (affection), Storge (Easiest definition is the kind of love friends share), and Eros (Sexual love).

Agape, as the Bible defines it, is the love which is represented by Christ's love towards us: committed to sacrificing Himself on the Cross for the forgiveness of sins. He counted the cost - and went forward.

The struggle I have is that so often agape becomes like a duty. We do things because we made a commitment, because we are committed to the best for others, no matter the cost to ourselves. The point that always breaks over my head is "This is will - but where is emotion?"

At one time I used to be the proverbial "Hopeless Romantic" - at least until I was 23. Then, I had a really bad relational experience, one that left me personally embarrassed and heart. It's odd, but I time out my loss of "emotional romantic love" - that kind of gooey, breathless feeling - to that date. Doesn't mean I haven't had emotion, doesn't mean that I don't love the Ravishing Mrs. TB and the children - but it makes me I've lost something from time to time.

This plays into my first thought, as what at one time might have been done for emotion is now done as a choice of the will. The genesis may be very well different as well - wanting the good for the other, rather than how it makes one feel. The rub comes in that with the second kind, the payback is generally self evident in the process i.e. I give flowers, my wife responds, we have a pleasant evening. In the other place, one may well do something that it a good, and it goes unnoticed or unappreciated - yet in the benefit to the other, one chooses to do the loving thing. Yet without the immediate emotional payback, and continuing to do it, it becomes much more like something which must be done.

I don't have an answer - but sometimes I wonder, where that emotional romantic chap went to...

Thoughts on a Tree by the Road

On a gnarled branch
White blossoms float in sunrise:
Springtime in darkness.

Old Friends

Last night I had one of the pleasures that only comes occassionally in this life: introducing my good friends to each other.

We had a Leap Day Party yesterday. Amongst the participants were Uisdean Ruadh and Bogha Frois (As an added benefit, Bogha Frois brought L'Acadien with her). Bogha Frois actually arrived as most of the people were leaving, so we had another good two hours together.

There is simply nothing more delightful than introducing old friends to one another. You get to relive the stories of years and years and actually have someone that hasn't heard them. Generally, if they are your friends, you all have the similar tastes, so you can all laugh together. And as everyone knows, the old stories really are the best stories.

Is this a foretaste of Heaven? Will meeting those that have gone on in victory be the same, sharing stories of our Lord on the battlefield, all united in the love for and mercy of Him?

If it is this pleasurable on earth, what will Heaven be like?