Some years ago - less years than I would like, honestly - I was in a meeting with the senior executives of my then-employer. About 10 minutes into the meeting, a colleague - a work friend, really - walked in and sat down. Reacting immediately - I thought much less then than I do now - I made a quip about the starting time. Executive management laughed. My friend said nothing at the time - but after the meeting, clearly communicated her anger and embarrassment at my comment at her expense. For weeks she did not talk to me and even when she started doing so in the last few weeks before her departure, it our relationship was never the same.
I learned a very important - and painful - lesson about the kindness of dignity that day.
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Dignity (dig-nǝ-tē): The quality of being worth of esteem or honor; worthiness; high repute or honor; the degree of worth, repute, or honor; proper pride and self respect. - Webster's New Word Dictionary, Second College Edition: 1948, Simon and Schuster, New York
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Dignity is a trait that has fallen on hard times in the modern world, partially because it has been consciously abandoned as a behaviour pattern and partially because it is not held as a trait of value. That is not surprising: after all, if one abandons something it becomes very hard to value it.
Society as a whole has abandoned the idea of dignity: individuals literally live their lives with no sense of restraint or things which simply are not put out into to public because (at one time) such things remained private matters. But society has also abandoned the idea of allowing others their dignity: too often, things are a combination of combat blood sport and personal/professional conquest on a scale that the Mongol Empire would have admired. People cannot be allowed the grace of exiting quietly or choosing to end a discussion or argument or even just of silently withdrawing.
The other side, of course, is the side that I exhibited: the fact that one sacrifices the dignity of another to get ahead. Be it the long overloud laugh at the expense of another in my case or be it willing misunderstanding of a position (or at least not being willing to take that time), we seem to have embraced the idea that there is nothing sacred in the path to get ahead or "one up" on someone else.
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How is dignity a kindness?
When we allow someone their dignity, we allow them their personhood - really, we allow them the image of God that they were created in, just as we were created in the same image. We respect that fact that people sometimes get it wrong, that people are sometimes off, that people do not necessarily care about the same things we do or that they may see things differently, that people are....just like us, with frailties and challenges that they have to address just like we do.
When we practice the kindness of dignity, we follow Christ - who always allowed the true seekers and those who needed His healing to ask questions and beg for His aid without making them feel anything less.
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What have I learned in the intervening period about allowing others the kindness of dignity?:
- I have learned that I need not always solve an issue right there in public, but much can be solved in private conversations.
- I have learned to let people defer or even retreat without haranguing them for an answer or commitment.
- I have learned to monitor myself and my humour such that the butt of any joke, if there is one needed, is me.
- I have learned that by treating people with dignity, I in turned show I value dignity.
It may seem a small thing, to treat something with dignity. But after all no kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Isn't this what the Japanese mean by saving face? I have concentrated for many years on respect, such as respecting another's right to their own opinions, or not using something they say or do to make a joke at their expense. I hadn't thought about dignity, however, as in respecting or preserving another's dignity. I'm thinking even small acts of kindness can do that.
ReplyDeleteGood food for thought, TB.
Leigh - I think that is part of the idea behind saving face. It may also have something to do with the fact that as a society which was much more tightly bound in the sense of the group, a loss of dignity impacted the entire group. "Saving face"- taking personal responsibility for something that went awry or wrong - was also a way of preserving the larger whole.
DeleteI suppose in a way, this sort of kindness is a sort of grace, the same grace that Christ would extend when He met people's needs without pushing into why they had the need. Even with the Samaritan woman at the well, Christ stated her current situation; He did not accuse her or degrade her because of it.
That making fun of yourself is a biggie TB, it helps to show that you don't take yourself too seriously. As always treat others as you would like to be treated yourself, that's the bottom line for me.
ReplyDeleteNylon12, I cannot now recall where I found this idea, but I am pretty sure it was in a book somewhere. But I completely agree: it does show you do not take yourself seriously. Those that take themselves seriously often seem to have trouble laughing at themselves.
Delete"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is a very good and applicable goal of personal relations. It works in literally every situation.
I've generally found that when I take those cheap shots, it almost always boomerangs back on me.
ReplyDeleteJohn, I have - sadly and painfully - learned the same thing.
DeleteDignity management seems awfully askew in regard to how spouses treat each other in public (in-person, and online, whether the spouse is present or absent). How many times have we been in a group setting (or with just one other person), especially where alcohol consumption may be involved, where one spouse will make comments about the other. Frequently it is the telling of a “funny” situation, or sometimes even a biting remark. I’ve been guilty. Now, if I want to joke about someone that someone is me, if I say anything about my husband in public it will be something positive. I always love it when people are quick to praise their significant other around others.
ReplyDeleteAnonJ - We are often the least kind to those that are closest to us. Part of it is the fact that we likely feel we can be more "free" than with strangers; part of it is likely that can come to take people for granted.
DeleteLike in many situations, if one cannot say anything nice, it is perhaps best not to say anything at all.
Alas, many of these lessons we learned at the expense of others, would probably be welcome news to those we hurt if perhaps there was a way we could tell them the lesson we learned with a believable sincerity. More often than not however, we burnt a bridge whether we wanted to or not and there is no going back.
ReplyDeleteI hope Blogger fixes whatever is occurring. This is the third post in a row I missed getting notified. I don't want it to become a habit.
Ed, I have thought about that as well. And I wonder if the immediacy of the apology is why Christ commanded us that if we had something against our brother, to immediately seek him out. For many of my lessons as well, going back at this point would be awkward in a way that would detract from any apology.
DeleteThe Blogger situation seems slightly fixed today, but not near where it needs to be. I am having to click on people to see if there are updates.