Coming off of a rather pleasant holiday and dropping right into the last month of the year, I have to admit that I have wildly underestimated how disruptive this entire year has been. Part of that was expected of course - a combination of the death of one's final surviving parent and an in-law, a new job, a relocation of one's living circumstances as well as one's life, and an unanticipated effective long term living apart from one's family can do that.
Part of it is simply beyond any of those direct causes, a combination of reaching the point that like it or not, options begin closing down.
I am lucky in this, as I have had friends that blog write about reaching similar circumstances in their life - mostly as it turns out, by circumstances beyond their control as well. It is a comfort to me in this period, one I had not realized that I really needed until the thought occurred to me that others have gone on this path before me. They have survived and arguably - at least what they admit to publicly - have thrived in such circumstances. Once again, The Social Internet for the win.
Impacting my thoughts as well is the realization that not only am I getting older - my ability to say I am in my mid-50's is more of an ideal than a fact at this point - but that with the deaths of unexpected terminal illnesses that have come into my life this year combined with some simple math based on anticipated life span, the reality of time left on the clock at best is far less than what is already under the belt.
Or said in the inevitable sports analogy, we are not quite into the last period, but the clock is darn well near there.
Which makes one - if one is honest - have to ask the hard questions.
I am someone who always feels as if I have to be doing something or involved in some thing or area of study. And if I am honest, my study is such that I am the equivalent of an intellectual and interest jackdaw, stripping shiny bits of information and knowledge from everywhere as treasures.
But all of this takes time of course, time which is relentlessly and bearing on like a freight train towards a destination we all know but we hesitate to speak out loud.
There are some other realities, of course. Finance is one of the largest ones at this point. There is a better than even odd that at some point next year The Ravishing Mrs. TB will find herself out of the part-time remnants of her job. And while I have every reason to believe that my job is stable and secure, there is also the reality that the last few years have reached that inevitable point that seems to happen to many where their salary is in the decline, not on the incline. I do not bemoan the fact - we had many good years and we are still doing fine. But it does introduce a level of cost management, especially in an economy where - no matter whom is in charge - inflation is a reality for the current day and likely future.
All of this to say that the disruption of this year, combined with mortality and economic realities, means that I will have to start making some choices about the future that are in some meaningful sense irrevocable.
I say "irrevocable". That sounds a bit dramatic (and to be fair, I tend to think my life should be dramatic in all things) and probably is not so. But in a real sense, at least for me, making this sorts of decisions are. Partially because of the fact that a decision made means a path not taken; partially because by making the decision, I have bound myself to a path for good or ill.
As I write this, the sun has broken through the clouds a bit and casts a sort of soft light through the trailing edges of holes of blue sky. A cup of coffee - the pecan blend that I love so much and of which I received a delivery as part of The Ravishing Mrs. TB's visit - smoulders in the cup beside me. Behind me in the alternate bedroom of the apartment which has become the default rabbit room and semi-office space, J the rabbit works quietly away at cleaning herself.
It is at times like this that I am reminded that - even in the midst of decisions which I sense in some way will determine the direction of my life for years to come - there remains the small pleasures of life that defy cost and time and simply present themselves in any circumstance, no matter what is going on in the larger world.
Or as Lady Julian of Norwich said, All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.
One aspect of those lucky enough to advance in age is the realization of clothes buying......"if I buy this do I REALLY need it? It will out last me, winter coats and boots in particular. Oh and that pesky will too...... :) Enjoy that coffee TB!
ReplyDeleteNylon12 - Another helpful factor in clothes buying is the fact that I am no longer "climbing" the corporate ladder nor is there an expectation at any of the locations I have worked at in the last 15 years that anything more than lower level business casual is acceptable. As a result, I get by on jeans and t-shirts (or long sleeved warm shirts in Winter). It is quite the financial savings.
DeleteI remember reading about a man that went on a search for marbles. He couldn't find enough for his need in one store, bought all they had and kept looking. At the last store, he bought all they had, too. The clerk asked why he needed the exact amount he was looking for. The man replied, "I read that the average age of a man is 72 years. I figure I have 1092 weeks left. I plan to put that many marbles in a jar and take one out every Sunday. That way I can visualize the time I have left."
ReplyDeleteI've always wanted to do that. My people have longevity. Mid-90's isn't out of the question if you pay attention to your health. Until I got the lung issues, I was working to that end. Now, I figure I'm one illness from the end. It's all up in the air. So, making the most of what I have is the order of the day. And truthfully, tomorrow isn't a guarantee for anyone. Carpe diem... every diem.
STxAR - I have read versions of that practice. One father did it with every weekend he had left with his daughter until she went away to college. And so on - a visual reminder of the time left.
DeleteIn reality, we are all exactly in your position, one illness or terrible incident away from eternity. It is just that with many, the fact that they "feel" indicates to them a future they have no actual guarantee of.
The wife and I have been self employed for 90% of our 48 years together. Been some dramatic, life changing ups and downs, financially and physically. Now we're in our sunset years, we somehow keep making it through the Changes. I know everyone gives thanks to Jesus, I thank him for the platoon of abused guardian angels he's assigned to us. We have no good reason, otherwise, to be smelling as rose like as we do.
ReplyDeleteI've had way more than my fair share of near death (ballistic, inertial) experiences, the wife has had a few as well. At 67 (her) and 73, being up and mobile is a BIG blessing. Financially poor, but own outright 25 acres of paradise in western, middle Tennessee. I can't complain but sometimes I still do, Life's been good to me to me so far.(hat tip, Joe Walsh).
T_M, life has a way of being not anything like we intended. And money is indeed not a guarantor of happiness anymore that poverty is a guarantor of misery. It is our attitude, perhaps even more than our circumstances, that determine our mental outcome.
DeleteEvery stage of life brings different types of decisions to contemplate. At approximately ten years ahead of you, mine are different from yours, yet I think about the same things -- mortality, quality of life, etc. Chances are, in ten years, you'll still be thinking similar thoughts, but under different circumstances. It's good to remember Proverbs 16:9 -- The mind of a person plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps.
ReplyDeleteBob, I think part of what has kicked all this off is a combination of the move and the death of my mother. This has given me a certainly amount of freedom to allow myself to think and make choices where I did not feel I had them before.
DeleteYou are right - likely in 10 years I will be thinking the same things, but from even a different angle again.
It is indeed times like this that I simply must trust that God has a plan; I just need to work along with Him instead of against Him.
Well, isn't that life in a nutshell? We are forever faced with making decisions that afterward, we constantly try to second guess. Even so, thinking things through and planning accordingly are good things, responsible things. It's just a bit unnerving because the future is ever an unknown.
ReplyDeleteLeigh, yours and Dan's story is one of the ones I thought about as I wrote this - you certainly had changes to your plan that you did not anticipate, even though you had planned something else (and you are a much more organized planner than I). I suppose the "good" news is that no matter what the plan is, we will be okay any way. But you put your finger on it: the future is unknown and by being unknown, is inherently unnerving.
DeleteI try to remain adaptable because I know there will be changes in my future, many unplanned for. I also try to relish change for it usually brings with it unexpected opportunities. Not all the time, which is why I added the word "try" to the previous sentence. The hardest part, it always the time between the change and until I finally see the opportunities ahead that weren't there before.
ReplyDeleteEd, "adaptable" is a great word. And one I am trying to be conscious of, thus my "slow rolling" involvement. I am trying to be ready to see the opportunities and act on them instead of locking myself in and then being shocked I cannot do anything.
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