Coming off of a rather pleasant holiday and dropping right into the last month of the year, I have to admit that I have wildly underestimated how disruptive this entire year has been. Part of that was expected of course - a combination of the death of one's final surviving parent and an in-law, a new job, a relocation of one's living circumstances as well as one's life, and an unanticipated effective long term living apart from one's family can do that.
Part of it is simply beyond any of those direct causes, a combination of reaching the point that like it or not, options begin closing down.
I am lucky in this, as I have had friends that blog write about reaching similar circumstances in their life - mostly as it turns out, by circumstances beyond their control as well. It is a comfort to me in this period, one I had not realized that I really needed until the thought occurred to me that others have gone on this path before me. They have survived and arguably - at least what they admit to publicly - have thrived in such circumstances. Once again, The Social Internet for the win.
Impacting my thoughts as well is the realization that not only am I getting older - my ability to say I am in my mid-50's is more of an ideal than a fact at this point - but that with the deaths of unexpected terminal illnesses that have come into my life this year combined with some simple math based on anticipated life span, the reality of time left on the clock at best is far less than what is already under the belt.
Or said in the inevitable sports analogy, we are not quite into the last period, but the clock is darn well near there.
Which makes one - if one is honest - have to ask the hard questions.
I am someone who always feels as if I have to be doing something or involved in some thing or area of study. And if I am honest, my study is such that I am the equivalent of an intellectual and interest jackdaw, stripping shiny bits of information and knowledge from everywhere as treasures.
But all of this takes time of course, time which is relentlessly and bearing on like a freight train towards a destination we all know but we hesitate to speak out loud.
There are some other realities, of course. Finance is one of the largest ones at this point. There is a better than even odd that at some point next year The Ravishing Mrs. TB will find herself out of the part-time remnants of her job. And while I have every reason to believe that my job is stable and secure, there is also the reality that the last few years have reached that inevitable point that seems to happen to many where their salary is in the decline, not on the incline. I do not bemoan the fact - we had many good years and we are still doing fine. But it does introduce a level of cost management, especially in an economy where - no matter whom is in charge - inflation is a reality for the current day and likely future.
All of this to say that the disruption of this year, combined with mortality and economic realities, means that I will have to start making some choices about the future that are in some meaningful sense irrevocable.
I say "irrevocable". That sounds a bit dramatic (and to be fair, I tend to think my life should be dramatic in all things) and probably is not so. But in a real sense, at least for me, making this sorts of decisions are. Partially because of the fact that a decision made means a path not taken; partially because by making the decision, I have bound myself to a path for good or ill.
As I write this, the sun has broken through the clouds a bit and casts a sort of soft light through the trailing edges of holes of blue sky. A cup of coffee - the pecan blend that I love so much and of which I received a delivery as part of The Ravishing Mrs. TB's visit - smoulders in the cup beside me. Behind me in the alternate bedroom of the apartment which has become the default rabbit room and semi-office space, J the rabbit works quietly away at cleaning herself.
It is at times like this that I am reminded that - even in the midst of decisions which I sense in some way will determine the direction of my life for years to come - there remains the small pleasures of life that defy cost and time and simply present themselves in any circumstance, no matter what is going on in the larger world.
Or as Lady Julian of Norwich said, All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.
