As I enter what is my last "week" of formal employment (and by week I mean 4 hours today and 4 hours Friday where my work computer is at least on), I find myself at somewhat of a bewildering and unsettling crossroads.
Specifically, nothing feels settled.
I continue to linger on for six more days at what has for all intents and purposes a sort of eaten out shell at my former employer, awaiting the completion of Memorial Day to let the husk collapse. I still as of yet do not have anything like a job offer (although the process continues on with another group interview tomorrow) and there is little new other than that: positions are largely specialized and I have yet to receive anything other than "Thank you for your application but...". My new part-time job is finally getting rolling with On-The-Job training this week, followed by me being unavailable for the better part of June.
Nighean Dhonn graduates this week from high school, so the household is both alive with preparations for that event and the eventual college departure as well as a series of emotions as the implications of an era ended work their way through the house. There is the reality of working with my parents' house now with an eye towards emptying it out and preparing it to rent. And I have a series of blocked out events (see this space soon!) which, although anticipated, essentially make planning for anything a bit of a challenge.
Things are spread out and unsettled and for many things, there is a sense that huge changes are afoot that make everything after June 2023 (and yes, although I seldom comment on the world "Out There", there is a great deal going on there that adds nothing to the lack of settled feeling I currently have...).
It is one thing to find one's self at a crossroads. It is another to find one's self at a crossroads and understand how one got there. What is unsettling is to find one's self at a crossroads, understand how one got there, and yet see all paths from it completely shrouded in fog with no hint of what lies down any of the paths.
I am trying to think of a similar situation in my life and to be honest, I find myself at a blank. When graduating from high school, there was college. When graduating from college, there was at least the option to come home - and then go back to college. When graduating the second time, there was finding a job. When dating, something (thankfully) ended in marriage. Marriage resulted in children, resulting in them ultimately leaving to find their own lives. Even when I was laid off the first time, the path of looking for a second job was clear.
Action-Reaction. Now, Action and what seems to be nothing but haze.
In speaking of future activities, it has become dreadfully hard to discuss anything with any sort of certainty. If the interview process works out, that is one potential road (but even then, how do I manage returning to see my mother and help with readying the house?). If it does not, there is some level of part-time work and continuing to search for a job while managing preparing my parents' house - which all holds at best through the end of November if no job is found. And the house after the end of August when Nighean Dhonn is gone and Nighean Bhan, a whole new relationship starts at home all over again as for the first time in something like 24 years, children are not a major focus.
Unknown outcomes. Haziness. Things that I find vaguely unsettling.
"Always in motion is the future" said that master of wisdom, Yoda. "Difficult to see".