Monday, May 22, 2023

Unknown And Hazy

 As I enter what is my last "week" of formal employment (and by week I mean 4 hours today and 4 hours Friday where my work computer is at least on), I find myself at somewhat of a bewildering and unsettling crossroads.

Specifically, nothing feels settled.

I continue to linger on for six more days at what has for all intents and purposes a sort of eaten out shell at my former employer, awaiting the completion of Memorial Day to let the husk collapse.  I still as of yet do not have anything like a job offer (although the process continues on with another group interview tomorrow) and there is little new other than that:  positions are largely specialized and I have yet to receive anything other than "Thank you for your application but...".  My new part-time job is finally getting rolling with On-The-Job training this week, followed by me being unavailable for the better part of June.  

Nighean Dhonn graduates this week from high school, so the household is both alive with preparations for that event and the eventual college departure as well as a series of emotions as the implications of an era ended work their way through the house.  There is the reality of working with my parents' house now with an eye towards emptying it out and preparing it to rent.  And I have a series of blocked out events (see this space soon!) which, although anticipated, essentially make planning for anything a bit of a challenge.

Things are spread out and unsettled and for many things, there is a sense that huge changes are afoot that make everything after June 2023 (and yes, although I seldom comment on the world "Out There", there is a great deal going on there that adds nothing to the lack of settled feeling I currently have...).

It is one thing to find one's self at a crossroads.  It is another to find one's self at a crossroads and understand how one got there.  What is unsettling is to find one's self at a crossroads, understand how one got there, and yet see all paths from it completely shrouded in fog with no hint of what lies down any of the paths.

I am trying to think of a similar situation in my life and to be honest, I find myself at a blank.  When graduating from high school, there was college. When graduating from college, there was at least the option to come home - and then go back to college.  When graduating the second time, there was finding a job.  When dating, something (thankfully) ended in marriage.  Marriage resulted in children, resulting in them ultimately leaving to find their own lives.  Even when I was laid off the first time, the path of looking for a second job was clear.

Action-Reaction.  Now, Action and what seems to be nothing but haze.

In speaking of future activities, it has become dreadfully hard to discuss anything with any sort of certainty.  If the interview process works out, that is one potential road (but even then, how do I manage returning to see my mother and help with readying the house?). If it does not, there is some level of part-time work and continuing to search for a job while managing preparing my parents' house - which all holds at best through the end of November if no job is found.  And the house after the end of August when Nighean Dhonn is gone and Nighean Bhan, a whole new relationship starts at home all over again as for the first time in something like 24 years, children are not a major focus.

Unknown outcomes.  Haziness.  Things that I find vaguely unsettling.  

"Always in motion is the future" said that master of wisdom, Yoda.  "Difficult to see".


  1. Do, or Do Not, there is no try.


    Self-doubt was Luke's issues, its the same for us THATS WHY we enjoy Star Wars. It speaks of our self-doubts and heroism when things get crazy.

    Change happens, how we accept and move with it is OUR Choice.

    Praying for you friend. God is in control, accept that in peace.

    Or as the faded picture above my computer says:

    Pray to God but hoe the weeds, with an older couple doing agiculture with hand tools.

    1. Michael, perhaps one of the greatest cinematic surprises of all time is simply that essentially a foam puppet could come to be the holder of so much wisdom.

      I have never been very good with change - at least in practice; I am always very good with it in theory. As you say, our job to hoe the weeds and pray while we do.

      Laborare est Orare.

    2. Indeed, pray while you're working. Was the reason the Benedictines survived so well even to today. Some Monks beer is still a premium quaff.

    3. Michael, it will probably not surprise you that I have actual considered the vocations from time to time. Not that I would make a good monk at all, but the simplicity appeals to me.

  2. Anonymous6:22 AM

    Perhaps the time between Old Job and New Job was set in place so that the clearing of your parent's home could be done more efficiently.

    For my Brother, the end of his former job was due to Covid closing down the business. He was told that his position may not exist after the pandemic home declaration was finished and that was the case.

    So during his home time, he set to do many house repairs - upgrades that he did not have the time for before. Instead of stealing hours here and there, he had blocks of time to do them correctly.

    He had been an elementary school teacher for 18 years, then burned out (administration clashes) so went to work for a nature park. He has two college degrees, teaching and business management. So what is he doing now ?

    He is a cook at a restaurant. He has never had trouble staying in front of a stove, cooking his food to HIS choices and he finds the new work challenging, especially during the lunch rush. He is content.

    And if the pandemic had not closed off his former job, he probably would not have found this new career. Interesting that.

    1. Anon - There is indeed a reason for all of this.

      Thank you for sharing your brother's story. That is very heartening, and a good roadmap to follow. Honestly, I am looking at this as a reset opportunity no matter what presents itself ultimately. Certainly even if I return to the industry, it will be with (yet again) a different mindset.

  3. Nylon127:01 AM

    As you mentioned the Haze prevents seeing the Path yet there is one there, there always is. The Road goes ever on and on was something that appealed to me from Tolkien, your Road is there TB.

    1. Nylon12 - The number of people that have said that my attitude of "It will all work out" is heartening to them surprises me. For me it is simply the way things are: I cannot modify them by worrying one bit about what the next "thing' will look like.

      Among many themes, the idea that Tolkien presented that there is always another road to take, another journey to make, is comforting to me as well.

  4. Ditto the others, and the Haze is real! Keep doing what you know to do. There is comfort in the normal chores.

    When Joshua was leading, they had a massive change of direction. He still did the things he knew to do. He had self-doubt as well, but he followed where God led. There are times I wish I had a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night to lead me around. But those days are past, and the new paradigm is different.

    Three times God tells Joshua to be strong and courageous. And each time He gave a different reason:
    - Joshua, you have a job to do, a job I am giving you and no one else
    - Joshua, keep your relationship with me open and clean
    - Joshua, no matter where you go, I am with you.

    Those are comforts to me as I type them. Reflexive encouragement.

    1. STxAR, keeping the basis of a normal schedule even if large parts of it are missing is something that helps me. Some regularity means things continue to get done.

      Good reminder about Joshua. Thank you.

  5. No words of wisdom from me, TB, but the prayers on your behalf continue. I enjoy following your path. Sending you many blessings.

    1. Thank you Bob - and hopefully that is part of the point, that someday lurking on the InterWeb, someone else can find some value as well. This challenge is certainly not unique to me.


Comments are welcome (and necessary, for good conversation). If you could take the time to be kind and not practice profanity, it would be appreciated. Thanks for posting!