It usually comes at moments when I feel completely lost between what I though my calling was meant to be and what it has turned out to be. Sometimes it feels as if every interest, everything thing I try to be good at, is 100% opposed to the way my life really exists.
I firmly believe God to be in control of my life and, as in fact He is God and I am not, am scarcely in the position to question His decisions. But I still do, of course. My faith is that weak.
"How is it," I wonder to myself out loud, "that I am so far removed from anyone and anything that I find remotely interesting? Yes, making money is a good thing (and necessary at the current time, more than ever), but how does that square with everything else I love and feel like I do well?" The answer never comes back - after all, arguing with God tends to be a one-sided affair.
And reading about the success of others, at least in this respect, is no more of an assistance. Reading about what people have accomplished half my age or when they had become my age brings less of a drive for success and more of a mental lashing of opportunities missed and "Dear-Lord-What-Is-Wrong-With-You?"
The only thing I have to take refuge in moments like this is simply God's goodness. It is reasonably apparent, I suppose, that He does not need me to do the things that I think He does - because I see people more infinitely qualified doing them. If He needs me, He will suddenly call me. If not, there is some purpose that not using them is fulfilling as well, if for no other reason than I am not detracting from someone that has more ability and platform than I.
It makes me a bit sad and despondent, of course, contemplating an immediate future that seems no different than the present I have now. But perhaps that, too, is part of the lesson that God is trying to teach me.