Ghost in the Machine

God is continuing to try to get my attention - and I, like a fool, continue to ignore Him.

Today, after having a delightful lunch with my pastor, I (in a moment of guilty pleasure) decided to run to my local used bookstore (I am the embodiment of the 16th Century Catholic Humanist Erasmus Desiderius, who wrote "If I get a little money, I buy books, and if I have any left over, I buy food and clothes.").

As I got turned off the freeway, I looked towards my right for the upcoming tight turn - and there, in the parking lot with two other people, was Himself.

Or someone that looked like Himself. But the truck was there. It was him. I knew him for 12 years, and I don't make mistakes like that.

I pulled around the corner and as I did, went to look again. Yup, still him, still the truck.

And for one brief moment, the though flashed into my brain "Just pull in. Just say hi."
Which, of course being me, I promptly ignored.

I got to the bookstore and mosied through - but found nothing partially, I suspect, because of what had happened. It played on my mind: I should have stopped. I should have said hi. What am I afraid of?

Bookless (I'll go back later - don't fear!), I got back in my car and headed back towards home. At the overpass, making the left turn to get onto the freeway, I saw the truck pull out towards the overpass as well.

Crud. If he goes over the overpass, he may end up next to me at the light. What will you do then?

He didn't, but I as I got on the freeway I continued to look behind me, to see if it was him - because if it was, and he was coming home, he would come this way. Sure enough, after awhile I saw the blue-green truck in the rearview mirror.

I don't think he would notice me - I've a different car than I had back then -so I continued to watch behind me as the truck pulled up, pulled into the fast lane, and passed me by. I followed, at an increasing distance as our speeds didn't match, until I got to my exit. Thinking that I should have stopped, should have said something.

And then it hit me: he just drove my exit. He knew where I lived. How often has that happened, that he has just gone by, and not stopped. Was any mind paid?

And then, having been led carefully into the ring, I got suckerpunched.

Why is it all about you, God seemed to ask. We've discussed this. You should have let this go years ago. You, you, you. Didn't I bring you out before the market crashed?

Yes Lord.

And didn't I provide you with employment after that, and with a support group in your church and work, and friends to replace those, and writing?

Yes Lord.

Then why, almost four years later, are you still milling around here? It's like you're the Israelites at the Promised Land: I brought you up, I protected you, I made you promises about my presence with you, and yet you still keep looking back to Egypt and saying "Why, O Why Lord?" They went around another 40 years in that desert: do you want the same?

No Lord.

Then stop it.

Even as I write this, those words ring in my head. Then stop it. How long have I carried things around that I shouldn't, ignored God's provision and looked back to Egypt, failed to move out in faith, made the center of the universe me instead of God?

If this is a problem for you, I have a message for you from Him: Stop it. Just stop it.

Don't make Him have to get your attention.