The sliver moon-set
dances low across the sky
as cloud tendrils sail.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Challenge, Work, Reward III
The second part of the concept is work.
Work is in theory the easy part - after all, I should have already defined what the challenges are. It is just a matter of doing, right?
Well sort of. It is not just a matter of doing - it is a matter of doing the right things that lead to actual progress.
This is often a challenge for me. I can spend a great deal of time doing - in fact, my days are almost completely filled with doing, yet most of this doing leads to nowhere. Yes, part of it is due to the fact that it is not based on challenges and goals but rather on tasks which are never ending and not completed, but some of it is also based on the fact that the work is not directed towards the achievement of the challenge.
Once the challenge has been defined - let us say, for example, cheese-making as part of my concept of Ichiryo Gusoku - what is the work required for making cheese? Pretty easy actually - make cheese. But there are at least some steps involved there: What kind of cheese? Do I have what I need - not just the milk but any other supplies. And how much time will the cheese take (cheese is not time consuming but it is time intensive in that certain things must be done at certain times) and have I the time to do this? Once that is defined and agreed to then the work because directed and purposeful.
Directed work will always be productive. Undirected work will ultimately never produce what is desired.
Work is in theory the easy part - after all, I should have already defined what the challenges are. It is just a matter of doing, right?
Well sort of. It is not just a matter of doing - it is a matter of doing the right things that lead to actual progress.
This is often a challenge for me. I can spend a great deal of time doing - in fact, my days are almost completely filled with doing, yet most of this doing leads to nowhere. Yes, part of it is due to the fact that it is not based on challenges and goals but rather on tasks which are never ending and not completed, but some of it is also based on the fact that the work is not directed towards the achievement of the challenge.
Once the challenge has been defined - let us say, for example, cheese-making as part of my concept of Ichiryo Gusoku - what is the work required for making cheese? Pretty easy actually - make cheese. But there are at least some steps involved there: What kind of cheese? Do I have what I need - not just the milk but any other supplies. And how much time will the cheese take (cheese is not time consuming but it is time intensive in that certain things must be done at certain times) and have I the time to do this? Once that is defined and agreed to then the work because directed and purposeful.
Directed work will always be productive. Undirected work will ultimately never produce what is desired.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Challenge, Work, Reward II
Challenge (noun): A difficult task or problem; something that is difficult to do.
So this, as I was discussing yesterday, is the element that seems to missing from so much of my life at this moment. In reviewing the definition, a couple of things immediately leap out at me:
1) A difficult task or problem - that is not just enough. Every day is filled with difficult tasks and problems. The difference is that it has to be a difficult task or problem that is something that I care about and is motivational to me. Continually performing the difficult without it being something that matters to you merely wears you down. It may build up any number of capacities - strength, resistance, even skills - but it will wear away at the spirit.
2) A task or problem - it has to be something concrete to solve, do, or achieve. Ethereal concepts or things which are not something which can be acted on become frustrating in the extreme because there is nothing which can be acted upon to produce a result.
Part of this, I suppose, is handled by how one defines things. Am I defining things in the context of a challenge? Or am I merely defining things as something that has to be done? More fundamentally, have I gone through the list of things before me and defined them in terms of a challenge? And if they are not definable as such, have I redefined them?
Have I even considered how I define the challenges that I care about for my own life?
The challenges are there. Perhaps the problem lies not so much in them as it does in me to recognize and then define them as such.
So this, as I was discussing yesterday, is the element that seems to missing from so much of my life at this moment. In reviewing the definition, a couple of things immediately leap out at me:
1) A difficult task or problem - that is not just enough. Every day is filled with difficult tasks and problems. The difference is that it has to be a difficult task or problem that is something that I care about and is motivational to me. Continually performing the difficult without it being something that matters to you merely wears you down. It may build up any number of capacities - strength, resistance, even skills - but it will wear away at the spirit.
2) A task or problem - it has to be something concrete to solve, do, or achieve. Ethereal concepts or things which are not something which can be acted on become frustrating in the extreme because there is nothing which can be acted upon to produce a result.
Part of this, I suppose, is handled by how one defines things. Am I defining things in the context of a challenge? Or am I merely defining things as something that has to be done? More fundamentally, have I gone through the list of things before me and defined them in terms of a challenge? And if they are not definable as such, have I redefined them?
Have I even considered how I define the challenges that I care about for my own life?
The challenges are there. Perhaps the problem lies not so much in them as it does in me to recognize and then define them as such.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Challenges, Work, Reward
I had an epiphany last week at work.
It was Friday and I was enmeshed in preparation for the upcoming quarterly meeting which I have been responsible for for the last 5 years. As I was laying all the slides in order and preparing for the updated portion, I suddenly thought "This is no longer challenging". And my mind went racing from there.
Work, I realized, was no longer a challenge. Yes, there is still lots to do - but there is always lots to do. It is just that in doing it, there is no longer any challenge to it. There are no more meaningful mountains to climb, only a series of hills to navigate.
I sat and thought about this further. What I realized is that this felt true of much of my life as well. The challenge from most of the things that I do has left. It is more of going through the motions of doing the things that I have done because I have done them, not because there is something more challenging about them.
As I have realized in times past, I excel at something like going to school. It is a pretty simple process: understand the challenge, do the work, get the reward (a good grade). Transferred into my own real life it is the same thing: understand the challenge (shoden certification, publish a book, play the harp, raise quail), do it, and get the reward (certificate achieved, book published, music played, quail in house).
And then what?
Work is notorious for this, I suppose: without an adequate challenge and reward system no company will achieve great success (because who can keep generating high level enthusiasm for the challenge without the corresponding reward). But I had never before grasped that this is one of the elements of my own personal life as well: after having done a thing gotten the immediate reward and not seeing the next challenge from it, interest wanes.
Another item related to this: the challenge and reward has to be almost completely within one's control and ability to achieve. Grades are great for this, of course: do the work and get the A. And something like physical activity can be like this too - in Highland Athletics, my performance is a direct output of my effort put in. But for some many other things - even such as work - the reward is determined by things outside of my control, thus lessening the ability to re-engage when I find out that the challenge has (once again) not resulted in the outcome that seemed to be promised.
What to do? That's the real issue, is it not? If I know that if I am not challenged I do not do my best and if I know that I need the challenge/work/reward system to do my best and if I know that I need to angle myself towards those rewards that are as much in my control as possible (so they can be achieved), how do I restructure my life to find them?
The first step - the specially big one - is to simply realize and admit that this is the case. I need challenges. I need them defined as such. And if I cannot find them where I currently am, I need to look elsewhere.
It was Friday and I was enmeshed in preparation for the upcoming quarterly meeting which I have been responsible for for the last 5 years. As I was laying all the slides in order and preparing for the updated portion, I suddenly thought "This is no longer challenging". And my mind went racing from there.
Work, I realized, was no longer a challenge. Yes, there is still lots to do - but there is always lots to do. It is just that in doing it, there is no longer any challenge to it. There are no more meaningful mountains to climb, only a series of hills to navigate.
I sat and thought about this further. What I realized is that this felt true of much of my life as well. The challenge from most of the things that I do has left. It is more of going through the motions of doing the things that I have done because I have done them, not because there is something more challenging about them.
As I have realized in times past, I excel at something like going to school. It is a pretty simple process: understand the challenge, do the work, get the reward (a good grade). Transferred into my own real life it is the same thing: understand the challenge (shoden certification, publish a book, play the harp, raise quail), do it, and get the reward (certificate achieved, book published, music played, quail in house).
And then what?
Work is notorious for this, I suppose: without an adequate challenge and reward system no company will achieve great success (because who can keep generating high level enthusiasm for the challenge without the corresponding reward). But I had never before grasped that this is one of the elements of my own personal life as well: after having done a thing gotten the immediate reward and not seeing the next challenge from it, interest wanes.
Another item related to this: the challenge and reward has to be almost completely within one's control and ability to achieve. Grades are great for this, of course: do the work and get the A. And something like physical activity can be like this too - in Highland Athletics, my performance is a direct output of my effort put in. But for some many other things - even such as work - the reward is determined by things outside of my control, thus lessening the ability to re-engage when I find out that the challenge has (once again) not resulted in the outcome that seemed to be promised.
What to do? That's the real issue, is it not? If I know that if I am not challenged I do not do my best and if I know that I need the challenge/work/reward system to do my best and if I know that I need to angle myself towards those rewards that are as much in my control as possible (so they can be achieved), how do I restructure my life to find them?
The first step - the specially big one - is to simply realize and admit that this is the case. I need challenges. I need them defined as such. And if I cannot find them where I currently am, I need to look elsewhere.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Clouds and Enthusiasm
I think it is safe to say that I am trying to find my way of a cloud of depression again.
My enthusiasm for doing almost anything at this point has evaporated. Things that I previously enjoyed seem gray to me now, something that I have to work up to doing. The thought of doing almost anything I used to enjoy seems to be a burden now, something I really have to work up to do.
I wonder if it is simply an extension of the way my life seems to working through other things currently: a long sense of endurance, of doing without the belief that anything will get any better, rather than a sense that I am improving or making progress in anything. When one is doing something because one has to and there is no realization that anything is getting better or one is getting better at it, there seems to be a significant loss of enthusiasm.
It is not a question of recognizing the issue. It is a question of what to do with the issue.
How does one generate enthusiasm for anything? This seems to be the core question. How does one take where one is, look to the land of where one wants to be, and then find the fuel to take one there?
It has to be something internal. I get that. Trying to rely on outside circumstances or outside people to get the drive you need to succeed in anything will never work. It has to come from you to weather the times when circumstances are against you or people are non-supportive or non-responsive.
The question is, where does one find it?
My enthusiasm for doing almost anything at this point has evaporated. Things that I previously enjoyed seem gray to me now, something that I have to work up to doing. The thought of doing almost anything I used to enjoy seems to be a burden now, something I really have to work up to do.
I wonder if it is simply an extension of the way my life seems to working through other things currently: a long sense of endurance, of doing without the belief that anything will get any better, rather than a sense that I am improving or making progress in anything. When one is doing something because one has to and there is no realization that anything is getting better or one is getting better at it, there seems to be a significant loss of enthusiasm.
It is not a question of recognizing the issue. It is a question of what to do with the issue.
How does one generate enthusiasm for anything? This seems to be the core question. How does one take where one is, look to the land of where one wants to be, and then find the fuel to take one there?
It has to be something internal. I get that. Trying to rely on outside circumstances or outside people to get the drive you need to succeed in anything will never work. It has to come from you to weather the times when circumstances are against you or people are non-supportive or non-responsive.
The question is, where does one find it?
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Sick?
I woke up this morning to my body finally having its way with me.
Oh, I know it has been coming. I have received hints of this for three days running. The tiredness of course, but I always seem to be tired. The lack of interest and energy in doing anything but again, that has become something of a course du jour of late. But last night I just had enough go to eat dinner and do the dishes before I went to bed. That should have been the sign.
And so it was. I woke up this morning, made a go of praying, and then realized that my body was simply done for the day. I officially called in sick.
On the one hand it is a little surprising to me - after all, I think this is the first sick day I may have taken in two or three years. My health is generally pretty good, a blessing I probably do not appreciate as much as I should.
The part that concerned me a little bit as I considered it further (from the warm Fortress of Solitude that was my bed) is that this is way I seem to feel all the time now: Run down. Tired. Exhausted. If I try to combat this alone with more sleep and better eating it never really seems to do the trick. Why? Because these do not seem to cut into the major areas that this is arising from.
I am grasping at straws at this moment, my thoughts half formed. The sickness is the logic outcome of exhaustion and some level of poor nutrition, that I understand. But (putting my investigation hat on) what is the root cause of this? Why am I feeling this way all the time?
Questions to ponder, I suppose. For now, it will be a retreat to a chair with a large cup of tea and a book to sit and recover.
Oh, I know it has been coming. I have received hints of this for three days running. The tiredness of course, but I always seem to be tired. The lack of interest and energy in doing anything but again, that has become something of a course du jour of late. But last night I just had enough go to eat dinner and do the dishes before I went to bed. That should have been the sign.
And so it was. I woke up this morning, made a go of praying, and then realized that my body was simply done for the day. I officially called in sick.
On the one hand it is a little surprising to me - after all, I think this is the first sick day I may have taken in two or three years. My health is generally pretty good, a blessing I probably do not appreciate as much as I should.
The part that concerned me a little bit as I considered it further (from the warm Fortress of Solitude that was my bed) is that this is way I seem to feel all the time now: Run down. Tired. Exhausted. If I try to combat this alone with more sleep and better eating it never really seems to do the trick. Why? Because these do not seem to cut into the major areas that this is arising from.
I am grasping at straws at this moment, my thoughts half formed. The sickness is the logic outcome of exhaustion and some level of poor nutrition, that I understand. But (putting my investigation hat on) what is the root cause of this? Why am I feeling this way all the time?
Questions to ponder, I suppose. For now, it will be a retreat to a chair with a large cup of tea and a book to sit and recover.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Winter Comes
Winter is here.
It arrived yesterday, blowing down through the Plains as the advance runner of a mass of cold air. At 0500 it was 60 F and not windy; 1 hour later the temperature was steady dropping and the wind was up. It continued to drop all day until, this morning, it is almost 50 degrees colder than it was on Saturday during the day. 36 F now, and 32 F tomorrow night. 30 F low on Sunday with highs in the 50s at best.
And so the wind down happened this weekend. Rabbits and quail were safely relocated over the weekend to their winter quarters in the garage. Outside furniture and BBQ were moved inside as well so the back porch is empty except for the lone dog igloo that Syrah the Mighty disdains to use but I keep in case it gets so bad she decides she needs shelter.
The desultory winter garden was planted as well, onions and garlic this year. I have to seriously rethink my garden and wanted to make a fresh start of it in the spring. The okra plants are there with the last little remaining okra as is the jalapeno pepper plant with its bounty; I suspect they will all be gone and withering by Friday.
The heater is ready to be fired up. Larger quantities of coffee are being generated in the morning. Running in the morning is prepared with heavy clothing to go out in. And the wardrobe has completely changed to prepare for the inevitable fact that the heater cannot keep up at work.
Winter is here.
It arrived yesterday, blowing down through the Plains as the advance runner of a mass of cold air. At 0500 it was 60 F and not windy; 1 hour later the temperature was steady dropping and the wind was up. It continued to drop all day until, this morning, it is almost 50 degrees colder than it was on Saturday during the day. 36 F now, and 32 F tomorrow night. 30 F low on Sunday with highs in the 50s at best.
And so the wind down happened this weekend. Rabbits and quail were safely relocated over the weekend to their winter quarters in the garage. Outside furniture and BBQ were moved inside as well so the back porch is empty except for the lone dog igloo that Syrah the Mighty disdains to use but I keep in case it gets so bad she decides she needs shelter.
The desultory winter garden was planted as well, onions and garlic this year. I have to seriously rethink my garden and wanted to make a fresh start of it in the spring. The okra plants are there with the last little remaining okra as is the jalapeno pepper plant with its bounty; I suspect they will all be gone and withering by Friday.
The heater is ready to be fired up. Larger quantities of coffee are being generated in the morning. Running in the morning is prepared with heavy clothing to go out in. And the wardrobe has completely changed to prepare for the inevitable fact that the heater cannot keep up at work.
Winter is here.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
On Someone Else
"If you've signed up to be approved by, selected by, promoted by or otherwise chosen by someone who's not going to respond to your efforts, it's not a smart choice." - Seth Godin
When i read this comment yesterday I was almost speechless from the profound nature of it. It was in the middle of what rapidly seems to be becoming a typical day for me: a steady flow of people all with questions or needs, the hint that the day's activities are not going nearly as cleanly to plan as has been expected, and the hovering over my head of the fact that I am coming to realize that the instability I am feeling at work is not going to result in any sort of advancement not matter how much effort I put into it.
And then, this.
Ironically this is the thing that much of the American business model (maybe the global business model - who knows?) is built on: the idea that we put our efforts out in hopes that someone is going to recognize them and reward them. Turns out we - or at least I - have a tendency to do this in my personal relationships as well: make myself dependent on what others will think or do in order to make myself feel better or move the relationship forward. I even have a tendency to do this in my activities, taking the action and hoping that someone will recognize it and reward it then.
But to Godin's point, it is not a smart choice. Said more succinctly, it is a stupid choice?
Why? Not because it makes you dependent on another person (I should think that is obvious) but even more so that it keeps you laboring under a delusion: the delusion that some else is going to make you successful. Your success - in anything - becomes not an output of your own effort and ability and time but rather the output of someone noticing, approving, selecting, promoting and choosing you. If they do not - well, that is unfortunate, but please continue to work as hard as you have been and perhaps beg a little more - and someone may notice you then.
The solution? Approve, select, promote and choose yourself. Easy to write, hard to do. But if I am truly honest, is it any more difficult than feeling the way I some often do - run down, ignored, trapped in my inability to get anyone in a position to make an impact to notice me.
Perhaps better if I go make my impact - and my promotion or choosing - myself.
When i read this comment yesterday I was almost speechless from the profound nature of it. It was in the middle of what rapidly seems to be becoming a typical day for me: a steady flow of people all with questions or needs, the hint that the day's activities are not going nearly as cleanly to plan as has been expected, and the hovering over my head of the fact that I am coming to realize that the instability I am feeling at work is not going to result in any sort of advancement not matter how much effort I put into it.
And then, this.
Ironically this is the thing that much of the American business model (maybe the global business model - who knows?) is built on: the idea that we put our efforts out in hopes that someone is going to recognize them and reward them. Turns out we - or at least I - have a tendency to do this in my personal relationships as well: make myself dependent on what others will think or do in order to make myself feel better or move the relationship forward. I even have a tendency to do this in my activities, taking the action and hoping that someone will recognize it and reward it then.
But to Godin's point, it is not a smart choice. Said more succinctly, it is a stupid choice?
Why? Not because it makes you dependent on another person (I should think that is obvious) but even more so that it keeps you laboring under a delusion: the delusion that some else is going to make you successful. Your success - in anything - becomes not an output of your own effort and ability and time but rather the output of someone noticing, approving, selecting, promoting and choosing you. If they do not - well, that is unfortunate, but please continue to work as hard as you have been and perhaps beg a little more - and someone may notice you then.
The solution? Approve, select, promote and choose yourself. Easy to write, hard to do. But if I am truly honest, is it any more difficult than feeling the way I some often do - run down, ignored, trapped in my inability to get anyone in a position to make an impact to notice me.
Perhaps better if I go make my impact - and my promotion or choosing - myself.
Monday, November 10, 2014
End of Season
So the Highland Games season officially ended for me on Saturday. Overall I was happy with my results -afte.r an abysmal no height in Weight Above Bar (Came in at 9' and missed, should have come in 8') I went on to get three Personal Records: Braemar Stone (20'7"), Heavy Weight for Distance (18'4"), and Light Hammer (51' 5.5"). Out of seven total events, that is not too bad.
I ended the year by exceeding all nine event Personal Records that I started with in 2014 - in some cases, more than once. Just for fun I looked back at 2011: For example, in 2011 at my first games my Heavy Weight for Distance was 9'5", my Light Hammer was 41' 10", and my Weight Above Bar was 8' (I hit 10' this year). That reaches one of my goals for the year and makes me feel like - overall - I am making progress in this sport.
It also makes me feel surprisingly good about myself in the sense that I can legitimately claim the title of "Athlete". This is not something that I had anticipated happening at my age - at all, actually. But here I am, actually doing a sport and even making progress in it. I am realistic in the assessment that I will probably never be truly competitive in the sport, but since this has never been a barrier for me to do anything else, there is not reason that I should start no.
I have had a lot of side benefits as well: meeting a lot of really great people whom I now count as my friends, getting to go all over the State to compete (goal for next year is to try one game outside of this State), and overall improving my health: what's not to like about that?
What next? Off season, of course.
Which means training for next season starts today.
I ended the year by exceeding all nine event Personal Records that I started with in 2014 - in some cases, more than once. Just for fun I looked back at 2011: For example, in 2011 at my first games my Heavy Weight for Distance was 9'5", my Light Hammer was 41' 10", and my Weight Above Bar was 8' (I hit 10' this year). That reaches one of my goals for the year and makes me feel like - overall - I am making progress in this sport.
It also makes me feel surprisingly good about myself in the sense that I can legitimately claim the title of "Athlete". This is not something that I had anticipated happening at my age - at all, actually. But here I am, actually doing a sport and even making progress in it. I am realistic in the assessment that I will probably never be truly competitive in the sport, but since this has never been a barrier for me to do anything else, there is not reason that I should start no.
I have had a lot of side benefits as well: meeting a lot of really great people whom I now count as my friends, getting to go all over the State to compete (goal for next year is to try one game outside of this State), and overall improving my health: what's not to like about that?
What next? Off season, of course.
Which means training for next season starts today.
Friday, November 07, 2014
Thursday, November 06, 2014
Career Mire
I'm fighting the middle age career blues again.
It reached its height yesterday when, in seeing a document, I realized that I am done. My ability to go forward seems pretty much to have come to a halt. Bottom line: it appears that my current position - the title I have held for 12 years - is the only one I will ever have.
Disappointing? Sure. To suddenly realize that your ability to move forward in the thing that eats 45+ hours of your week is limited to cost of living increases for the rest of career is depressing. The fact that you will spend the rest of your career bringing other people into systems, training them up, and then having them both command you and take the credit for the work you execute creates no incentive to really try harder.
I calculated again last night. I have 16.5 years into this industry. Almost too late - in fact maybe too late - to make a career change, which I have sort of already acknowledged internally. That said, the fact that my ability to do anything else other than what I am makes me crumble in despair.
Is this it? Surrender to the commute to a place (could be any place, at this point) that will keep me where I am for the next 20 to 25 years with essentially no hope?
How disappointing that the weather outside - cold, wet windy - matches the issues within my own soul.
It reached its height yesterday when, in seeing a document, I realized that I am done. My ability to go forward seems pretty much to have come to a halt. Bottom line: it appears that my current position - the title I have held for 12 years - is the only one I will ever have.
Disappointing? Sure. To suddenly realize that your ability to move forward in the thing that eats 45+ hours of your week is limited to cost of living increases for the rest of career is depressing. The fact that you will spend the rest of your career bringing other people into systems, training them up, and then having them both command you and take the credit for the work you execute creates no incentive to really try harder.
I calculated again last night. I have 16.5 years into this industry. Almost too late - in fact maybe too late - to make a career change, which I have sort of already acknowledged internally. That said, the fact that my ability to do anything else other than what I am makes me crumble in despair.
Is this it? Surrender to the commute to a place (could be any place, at this point) that will keep me where I am for the next 20 to 25 years with essentially no hope?
How disappointing that the weather outside - cold, wet windy - matches the issues within my own soul.
Wednesday, November 05, 2014
Again II
Okay, so I am feeling slightly better today. Sleep, as I have noted in the past, helps a lot. So does Iaijutsu for the evening.
Not that anything wildly changed yesterday. Getting to work was exactly the way the way that the morning felt: almost from the time I walked in the door I found myself the center of need: documents to sign, opinions to be given, meetings to go to, things to review. All urgent, all needing to be done now, all with the sense of "I am here for no other reason than to serve you" splattered across the day.
It just leads one to walk with downcast shoulders and eyes. Yes, I allowed myself to get pulled in to a belief that things were going to be different. But reality came screaming back at me with a vengeance.
This is the point at which I do not know what else to do.
The wise point, I assume, is to "change my attitude". That is what I should do, I suppose. Change my latitude. Make my life about "my decision", not about circumstances.
I should, I suppose. So why do I feel like this whole thing is an exercise in pointlessness?
Not that anything wildly changed yesterday. Getting to work was exactly the way the way that the morning felt: almost from the time I walked in the door I found myself the center of need: documents to sign, opinions to be given, meetings to go to, things to review. All urgent, all needing to be done now, all with the sense of "I am here for no other reason than to serve you" splattered across the day.
It just leads one to walk with downcast shoulders and eyes. Yes, I allowed myself to get pulled in to a belief that things were going to be different. But reality came screaming back at me with a vengeance.
This is the point at which I do not know what else to do.
The wise point, I assume, is to "change my attitude". That is what I should do, I suppose. Change my latitude. Make my life about "my decision", not about circumstances.
I should, I suppose. So why do I feel like this whole thing is an exercise in pointlessness?
Tuesday, November 04, 2014
Again
That crushing moment when you realize you have been disappointed. Again.
You let yourself wander into this. You allowed yourself to believe - again - that this time things would be different. There would be changes. Implied promises would be kept.
And you acted on those beliefs. You turned your efforts as if the thing was already done.
And patiently waited. For nothing to happen.
And then comes the moment, the moment when you realize that you have allowed yourself to believe one more time. Allowed yourself to pretend that this time things would work out. No-one else seems surprised by this or to question this.
And so you shrug, lift your shoulders and promise yourself that you will not fail prey to your wishful beliefs again.
Until the next time it happens...
You let yourself wander into this. You allowed yourself to believe - again - that this time things would be different. There would be changes. Implied promises would be kept.
And you acted on those beliefs. You turned your efforts as if the thing was already done.
And patiently waited. For nothing to happen.
And then comes the moment, the moment when you realize that you have allowed yourself to believe one more time. Allowed yourself to pretend that this time things would work out. No-one else seems surprised by this or to question this.
And so you shrug, lift your shoulders and promise yourself that you will not fail prey to your wishful beliefs again.
Until the next time it happens...
Monday, November 03, 2014
On Rocky and Dying
On this day my friend Rocky lies dying in a hospital.
The incongruity of this struck me last night as I reviewed the various websites last night and found that a young woman in Oregon, whose picture I had happened to see two weeks ago on a People magazine, had decided to end her life under Oregon's Suicide Law.
I want to be careful as I write this: I have never had to face a death sentence as cancer. I have never had to evaluate whether living longer is worth the pain. I can discuss the decision on moral grounds only but that is not my aim today. The point of this consideration is not a condemnation; rather it is an observation.
My friend Rocky found out that he had a relapse of cancer in 2012. He chose to fight - and he chose to share his struggle. For almost 2 years he has written about his ongoing struggle. He has been remarkable honest in his struggles and reflections - sometimes painfully so. Rocky is the real deal: a man facing death in the face and telling all what he sees there.
What has come out of it is a series of writings which has helped a lot of people, including myself. Reflections on living and dying. Reflections on how it is important to spend your time wisely now on things that matter with people that you care about because (really) we do not know how much time we have. The gift of seeing marriage as it was actually meant to function, when that "until death do we part" becomes a reality. And for me, even a little advice on how be better at Highland Games.
Ultimately, what Rocky has done is to take his situation and make it a teaching experience. The impact of his life will be far beyond what his uncooperative body had become. It is ingrained on the hearts and in the characters of all that have read him and know him. Rocky will continue to live - not as a internet picture with a catchy phrase to be lost on Instagram in a month but as a real example of how to live even in the process of dying.
There will be no internet extravaganza for Rocky this week. But there will be the quiet morning of those whose lives he has touched - and the determination to take to what he has given us with his dying and carry it forward.
The incongruity of this struck me last night as I reviewed the various websites last night and found that a young woman in Oregon, whose picture I had happened to see two weeks ago on a People magazine, had decided to end her life under Oregon's Suicide Law.
I want to be careful as I write this: I have never had to face a death sentence as cancer. I have never had to evaluate whether living longer is worth the pain. I can discuss the decision on moral grounds only but that is not my aim today. The point of this consideration is not a condemnation; rather it is an observation.
My friend Rocky found out that he had a relapse of cancer in 2012. He chose to fight - and he chose to share his struggle. For almost 2 years he has written about his ongoing struggle. He has been remarkable honest in his struggles and reflections - sometimes painfully so. Rocky is the real deal: a man facing death in the face and telling all what he sees there.
What has come out of it is a series of writings which has helped a lot of people, including myself. Reflections on living and dying. Reflections on how it is important to spend your time wisely now on things that matter with people that you care about because (really) we do not know how much time we have. The gift of seeing marriage as it was actually meant to function, when that "until death do we part" becomes a reality. And for me, even a little advice on how be better at Highland Games.
Ultimately, what Rocky has done is to take his situation and make it a teaching experience. The impact of his life will be far beyond what his uncooperative body had become. It is ingrained on the hearts and in the characters of all that have read him and know him. Rocky will continue to live - not as a internet picture with a catchy phrase to be lost on Instagram in a month but as a real example of how to live even in the process of dying.
There will be no internet extravaganza for Rocky this week. But there will be the quiet morning of those whose lives he has touched - and the determination to take to what he has given us with his dying and carry it forward.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Nanowrimo 2014
So National Novel Writing Month (Nanowrimo) is almost upon us. The question is, will I do this year or not?
I ask because I attempted it last year but fell off the band wagon pretty quickly - other things came up and I simply was not really committed to what I was writing. This year is a little different already.
So the question is, am I going to do it?
The one year I successfully completed it - 2012 - I went in with a definitive idea in mind that sustained me through the struggle of generating 1567 words a day (it is not as hard as you think, but it is an endurance race). This year, I find myself 2 days before I would start writing without the foggiest idea in the world what I would write about.
But I am wondering if this, too, is not a different aspect for writing.
The reality is that I have ideas rattling around in my head - lots of them, actually. Most of them I simply self censor because they're not "good enough" or actually ready for prime time.
But what if I simply took one out and started watching where it went.
It is not that I will write The Great American Novel - I get that. But it is interesting to wonder what I could write if I just let the story start telling itself. Because the remarkable thing I have found about writing is that if I will simply start writing, the characters will begin to fill the story in themselves, sometimes so much so that I scarcely recognize the work as something I typed.
So maybe this year the question is not so much "Will I do Nanowrimo?" as much as it is "Where will Nanwrimo lead?"
I ask because I attempted it last year but fell off the band wagon pretty quickly - other things came up and I simply was not really committed to what I was writing. This year is a little different already.
So the question is, am I going to do it?
The one year I successfully completed it - 2012 - I went in with a definitive idea in mind that sustained me through the struggle of generating 1567 words a day (it is not as hard as you think, but it is an endurance race). This year, I find myself 2 days before I would start writing without the foggiest idea in the world what I would write about.
But I am wondering if this, too, is not a different aspect for writing.
The reality is that I have ideas rattling around in my head - lots of them, actually. Most of them I simply self censor because they're not "good enough" or actually ready for prime time.
But what if I simply took one out and started watching where it went.
It is not that I will write The Great American Novel - I get that. But it is interesting to wonder what I could write if I just let the story start telling itself. Because the remarkable thing I have found about writing is that if I will simply start writing, the characters will begin to fill the story in themselves, sometimes so much so that I scarcely recognize the work as something I typed.
So maybe this year the question is not so much "Will I do Nanowrimo?" as much as it is "Where will Nanwrimo lead?"
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Practice and Real
Last night I pulled out my shinken to practice.
I have been off and on with Iaijutsu class over the last month due to family related activities. I have also, let us be honest, been in a bit of a slump. It is a slump which I have dealt with in the past in many of my activities, the slump of having hit a plateau.
It is hard. I like to learn new things and I grapple with the fact that part of doing is simply getting better at the things one has learned rather than always learning new things. And this means practicing and re-practicing the things one has learned.
I do not like practice (never really have honestly) so this makes one level of frustration for me (and no-one is more surprised than I that I have stuck with this as long as I have). The second level that makes it difficult for me is that I am constantly practicing alone. That may be okay for many activities; it is harder for an activity where the intent (theoretically) is to engage with someone else.
So I have not been as diligent of late as I should have been but I have been trying, practicing with my bokken with cuts in the morning and kata in the evening. But I was feeling low and tired and rushed last night, so I pulled out my shinken last night.
And fell in love all over again.
My shinken is a standard katana length (29 inches, 10 inch tsuka or hilt) and is very much lighter than my bokken - so much so, in fact, that it almost flipped out of my hand as I practiced. The lightness of the sword gave me speed, speed I feel I am missing so much in my practice. It moved and danced in my hand with a feeling of lightness, not the usual slowness I feel when I am practicing. For a 30 minute period I felt like a swordsman, not just a guy out practicing.
When I went back in - feeling far more energized and rededicated to my art - I realized something I have forgotten: practice is good, but we do not practice for the sake of practice. We practice to perform, be it with our skills or our swords. If we forget this, only living forever in a state of getting ready, we deny ourselves the great joy of occasionally looking up and realizing we are doing this for an actual purpose, not just for the sake of doing.
Feeling down or bored with something you used to love to do? Do it - not for practice but for real, even if it is only displayed for yourself. Remind yourself why you started in the first place.
I have been off and on with Iaijutsu class over the last month due to family related activities. I have also, let us be honest, been in a bit of a slump. It is a slump which I have dealt with in the past in many of my activities, the slump of having hit a plateau.
It is hard. I like to learn new things and I grapple with the fact that part of doing is simply getting better at the things one has learned rather than always learning new things. And this means practicing and re-practicing the things one has learned.
I do not like practice (never really have honestly) so this makes one level of frustration for me (and no-one is more surprised than I that I have stuck with this as long as I have). The second level that makes it difficult for me is that I am constantly practicing alone. That may be okay for many activities; it is harder for an activity where the intent (theoretically) is to engage with someone else.
So I have not been as diligent of late as I should have been but I have been trying, practicing with my bokken with cuts in the morning and kata in the evening. But I was feeling low and tired and rushed last night, so I pulled out my shinken last night.
And fell in love all over again.
My shinken is a standard katana length (29 inches, 10 inch tsuka or hilt) and is very much lighter than my bokken - so much so, in fact, that it almost flipped out of my hand as I practiced. The lightness of the sword gave me speed, speed I feel I am missing so much in my practice. It moved and danced in my hand with a feeling of lightness, not the usual slowness I feel when I am practicing. For a 30 minute period I felt like a swordsman, not just a guy out practicing.
When I went back in - feeling far more energized and rededicated to my art - I realized something I have forgotten: practice is good, but we do not practice for the sake of practice. We practice to perform, be it with our skills or our swords. If we forget this, only living forever in a state of getting ready, we deny ourselves the great joy of occasionally looking up and realizing we are doing this for an actual purpose, not just for the sake of doing.
Feeling down or bored with something you used to love to do? Do it - not for practice but for real, even if it is only displayed for yourself. Remind yourself why you started in the first place.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Thinking on Responsibility
I am re-reading Churchill on Leadership by Steven F. Hayward. I had originally just grabbed it off the shelf again because I felt like I needed a short book to read in the mornings; what I have found is a reminder to myself precisely at the time that I needed it.
One of Churchill's great beliefs was that being given responsibility without power was one of the most unsuccessful and least desirable things that could happen to him - or any individual:
"What you have no right to do is to ask me to bear responsibilities without the power of effective action."
"Few sensations are more painful than responsibility without power."
"My one fatal mistake was trying to achieve a great enterprise without having the plenary authority which could have to easily carried it to success."
"Someone has to take responsibility. I will."
I compare this to my own work situation - certainly most of my work life but more specifically the time I have spent at my current job over the last 5.5 years. What I realize - and I think is true of many if not most businesses - is that Churchill's complaint is a common one: being given responsibility with authority or the power to execute.
Being given responsibility can be a wonderful thing. It should be a sign of increasing skill and knowledge or a recognition of trust in one's abilities. But when the responsibility is transferred without any authority to carry out the responsibility the responsibility becomes nothing more in reality than a burden, a weight given by others with the intent to affix blame when the thing is not accomplished.
It is being given the responsibility of the budget without any control of the spending. It is being given responsibility for a project without any input into the project other than "Finish it". It is being charged with the building of a relationship without any ability to speak directly with the person involved.
It is being asked to do that which you cannot control yet be responsible for the results.
What to do? I realized (as I wrote this) that there really is only one solution: being clear up front. Specifically asking "What is my authority to accomplish this?" - and if not getting the response that works (i.e. "Total") simply stating "I cannot take responsibility for this project. I have no ability to requisition the resources, manage priorities, or drive the matter to conclusion meaningfully. Otherwise you are simply setting me up for failure."
Harsh words? Probably - but it will probably provoke a discussion, a discussion perhaps some people have not had in a while - if ever: what is the nature of giving responsibility?
Monday, October 27, 2014
A Prayer for Rocky
As some of you know, my friend Rocky is dying from cancer. He runs a small blog at http://rocosis1.blogspot.com/ where he has spent the last year and a half documenting his fight and his journey towards terminal velocity i.e. death.
It strikes me as odd: I did not know Rocky before almost a year ago this month. I have never known him with cancer. I have never known the sound of his voice (He lost his voice a while ago) or seen him throw. I have never known him as anything other than as he is now.
But what a knowing that has been. He has been remarkably (remarkably!) open about his fight with cancer and his inevitable oncoming death. In a way it is an online journal about dying: not the dying we see in movies or the death that we so often come to know in our society - a sort of a quiet thing that happens to the side and we only know once it has happened. Instead it has been open and available: the level of pain, the difficulty getting a trach tube in, the physical issues as Baxter (he has named the tumor) continues to grow.
He was admitted to Hospice last night. I am sure that he did not go willingly but necessarily. He has beat the doctor's assessment by at least 6 months. He has hoped to make it another 4 to February, to see the birth of his second grandchild.
I only have two requests for you today:
1) Whatever is facing you, whatever you have to deal with, I can assure you that (for 99% of you) it is not nearly as bad as battling cancer and facing your own death. Look at today with a sense of proprtionality.
2) If you can (and if you are a praying person) spare a prayer for Rocky and his family.
Life is far more fleeting than we possibly imagine. Embrace today.
It strikes me as odd: I did not know Rocky before almost a year ago this month. I have never known him with cancer. I have never known the sound of his voice (He lost his voice a while ago) or seen him throw. I have never known him as anything other than as he is now.
But what a knowing that has been. He has been remarkably (remarkably!) open about his fight with cancer and his inevitable oncoming death. In a way it is an online journal about dying: not the dying we see in movies or the death that we so often come to know in our society - a sort of a quiet thing that happens to the side and we only know once it has happened. Instead it has been open and available: the level of pain, the difficulty getting a trach tube in, the physical issues as Baxter (he has named the tumor) continues to grow.
He was admitted to Hospice last night. I am sure that he did not go willingly but necessarily. He has beat the doctor's assessment by at least 6 months. He has hoped to make it another 4 to February, to see the birth of his second grandchild.
I only have two requests for you today:
1) Whatever is facing you, whatever you have to deal with, I can assure you that (for 99% of you) it is not nearly as bad as battling cancer and facing your own death. Look at today with a sense of proprtionality.
2) If you can (and if you are a praying person) spare a prayer for Rocky and his family.
Life is far more fleeting than we possibly imagine. Embrace today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)