Some Thoughts to Start Today

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi

"Don't wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking." - William Butler Yeats

"Begin to be now what you will be hereafter." - William James

Running Bees

Having bees for a hobby is kind of like moonshining.

You pay for your bees, then you go to the site - invariably out away from "city folk" (lest the insects that support their fruit smoothies interfere with their lives - where, in a semi-clandestine exchange, you pick up (and pay for or prepay) x boxes - three in my cases. They go in the the trunk of your car, then off you go - in my case, with my three daughters, to act as cover in case of a traffic pullover.

Then, you drive to the location of your hives - again, away from the "city folk" -, going through the small rural towns of the valley. You look in your back mirror, and suddenly one of the bees which was attracted to the queen's pheromones and was on the outside of the box has now floated up to the back window. No worries - one bee.

Then, when you look back a little later (trying not to swerve and attract attention), you see it's two. Then three. Soon, ten - all against the back window, but now at least one is flying around the back of the car.

So, you pull over, away from the freeway, hoping again you don't attract attention. Out go the bees after a little shooing. You eventually have to do this another one to two times.

Finally, you arrive at your locale of hive placement - after 250 miles of driving (for me, The Ranch). Using a home prepared substance out of legal materials (syrup), you doctor it up for your purposes (with essential oils and antibiotics to feed the bees.

The hives, which were on hold since last year, are back out of storage. Into each hive, you take the queen cage stuffed with marshmallow (no queen candy in them) and place it in the center of the deep. Then, against all common sense, you slam the bees to the bottom of their box - two times at least - then start pouring clumps of bees into the hive (you would not think bees would clump, but they do). In fact, leaving all leave of your senses, you play Bee pinball, trying to roll smaller clumps through the hole in the box and into the hive. All of this, you do three times.

Then, you place a feeder above each hive, as progressively more bees whir around your head, and pour into it a portion of your "syrup", after having placed a "pollen patty" (a patty purportedly made of pollen and other "ingredients") onto the top of the hive. On top of this, you place the lid. Again, you do all of this three times.

I love having bees.

And if you think this sounds like moonshining, wait until we talk about taking honey...

Creation

Gardening, to me, is proof that God exists. How else could you explain that planted things, which seemingly do not have any of the required things or prime conditions for them, grow?

Witness my asparagus. I planted them without a row, probably not a wide enough trench, in some cases with the roots seemingly pointed up - yet when I went out on Wednesday, a frond caught my eye. Over the last two days, more have started showing up.

It appears I have asparagus.

What a good God - that we are granted a surfeit of wealth in the food that comes from His creation, if only we exercise a little effort. In fact, in so much He is gracious - "He makes the rain to fall on the just and the unjust."

The miracle of creation is not that we exist, but that God in His mercy and goodness continues to pour out His grace and love on rebels in every aspect of our existence.

Change

So I think I've figured out what the dream means, and why imaginings/fantasies are so attractive to me.

My realization started today with the thought, based on Bogha Frois' comments, that a dream with a known result is seemingly more desirable to me than reality with unknown results. Why? Because you don't know (and can't control) the outcome.

Then I realized that there are two types of people in my life: those whom I perceive as making changes or decisions and it having no impact, and my imaginings, in which my which my choices have direct impact (that whole cause and effect thing that was beaten into me in physics). Put another way, there are those to whom I try to live up to, and those to whom I live at the same level.

Which then brought forth the thought, why do you change, make decisions, or take actions?

More often than not, it is to get an action or behaviour out of others - rather than changing for them sake of improving myself or taking action.

Which is why 90% of my changes, decisions, or actions fail - because I take them based on the expected actions or behaviour of others, rather than for the benefit or excellence that is to be derived from them personally.

Do I care too much about the opinion of others? Why don't I live up more to the image of what I could be, rather than what I am?

Is this why I lack self confidence - that if I do something in hopes of affecting someone else and it fails, I feel like I have failed - instead of the intended action not causing the desired effect?

Grain

My grain is starting to reach the point that I need to consider harvest.

It's interesting - I learned some things for next year. Mostly the fact that my summer and winter gardens need to change sides as the seasons turn, and that fallow is not a really bad thing.

Again, my barley seems to have done super well. I have less crops of my two wheats, and maybe some rye as well - but the rye was planted on the summer side, and buried by weeds, so it seems to not have done as well.

The kicker is for next year. Even I, in my paranoid fashion, am eyeing the growing turmoil in food production. Could I plant enough grain on my garden to support us for a year? No way.

But - could I put in enough grain at the Ranch to do it? Maybe. I'd need more equipment - largely a manure spreader (readily available), a reaper/binder (less available), and a thresher (More difficult, although I've seen plans for a simple one). And seed, of course - although the items we used the year we tried were not nearly as productive as the stuff I grow at home.

I only need one good year, and then an annual rotation. Maybe I'm being silly, but I like my bread, I like to grow and grind grain - and a little paranoia once in a while is not a bad thing...

Odd Dream Part II

The ever helpful Bogha Frois analyzed my dream for me this afternoon.

"So what's it mean" she asked?

"I've no idea. Nothing in it makes sense."

"What did DT represent?"

"Personally, not a clue. If I had to think about it, I'd probably say it represents my inner longings that feel like their being trapped-"

"Nope."

"Nope?"

"Nope. Here's what I think. With DT, you said that you already know what any outcome would be?"

"Yeah. You did read the blog, right? This is the kind of person I am well familiar with from my past."

"So what you're saying to me is that this...this..."

"Daydream?"

"Okay, daydream...this daydream, although you already know how things are going to end, is more desirable to you than the problems you are facing. You'd rather face a known failure than the unknown problems that you have to work on."

"In other words..."

"In other words, even you're daydreams are sad in that you dream about things you know will go badly. At least dream about something happy."

"But the dreams that are happy would never be. You know that."

"Yes I know. How pathetic is that?"

Like I said, she's very helpful.

But thought provoking. I know in my heart of hearts that I can never move in that direction, that the outcome is preordained - but that doesn't seem to stop some portion of my mind.

Desire is a dangerous and headstrong thing - given its head, it will run one over the cliff without thinking.

Glorifying God

Had a very good - and very thought provoking - men's retreat this weekend. The focus was on prayer, specifically the Lord's Prayer (Mathew 6: 5-15). The teaching was by Pastor Robert Briggs of Immanuel Baptist Church. It included the nature of how we pray, the Lord's prayer as a model, and the attitude of prayer.

The thought that has convicted me since then is simply my own unworthiness and my self focus. As Pastor Briggs pointed out, the Lord's prayer is designed such that first is God and His priorities, then us and our priorities. God's priorities: That the name of God is to be glorified, that there a serious interest in the furtherance of the Kingdom of God, and that there is a desire to see the accomplishment of the will of God on earth.

Frankly, the whole discussion simply made me realize how shallow and weak I am. How often am I concerned with glorifying God - I mean, I say I do, but do I really mean it? How often do I substitute my own desire and wants as ways that I will glorify God (by getting my own needs met) rather than simply seeking to glorify Him by obeying Him?

For example: I have a list of things I want to do, things I would like to be. In reality, I have been given certain gifts by God - am I seeking to glorify Him by using them to His glory, or am I seeking to use them to glorify myself or make myself feel better?

There's a lot caught up in this - submission, goals, holiness obedience. It was unsettling and good - but I am still haunted by the thought of glorifying self instead of glorifying God.

Sunrise

Above the pink haze,
Twin peaked mountain stands waiting
as the sun creeps up.

Another Odd Dream

I had another one of those "Odd" dreams again last night. The Ravishing Mrs. TB and myself were driving to the bottom of the American River Canyon to go to a Starbucks (and no, there is no Starbucks at the bottom of the American River Canyon). Once we were there, for some reason the Ravishing Mrs. TB had a quesodilla but wanted another one. For some reason I had one, but nothing to cut with. She was insistent that I get a knife or something from the cashier. This seemed to be a big deal - her insistence, my reluctance.

So I did ask, and get it. Suddenly, it's night and time to leave. We go out to the car, and suddenly I see DT there with family (I assume). We get in the car to leave, my eyes trying to catch DT's, even as they drive away. We get in, and we ourselves drive away in the dark.

And then again, I wake up in a disturbed mood (late for work, to boot).

Reality Smackdown

So I reached the point tonight (as I do occasionally) where work has become so stressful that I think to myself, "Self, I need to think about a new job."

I don't do this lightly. I don't really want to start over at the bottom somewhere else. But due to some home responsibilities this morning, I got to eat with my family, see my girls off to school, and drive in the sunlight. Gosh, I thought, wouldn't it be great if life was always like this?

So then I started looking online tonight. And now, I'm thankful I have a job.

There is nothing in my field in my area - or almost nothing. Entry level positions, perhaps one or two potential jobs (one of which I've interviewed for at least twice before), but not nearly what there was even a year ago.

This is jarring to me. It's also a reality smackdown, as this is continuing a trend I have noticed. Five years ago, interest from recruiters and companies dropped from trees. Two years ago, you had to work a bit, but there were still plenty online. Even a year ago, there was a fair amount online.

Now, not so much.

So the question: how do I manage my job and my stress level and the fact that for the duration, approximately 19 hours of my day are consumed by work or sleep (12 hours work, including commute, 7 hours sleep)?

How do I remain thankful I have a job?

Meetings, Emergencies, and Onions (and Garlic)

Today was just a slogging, miserable day - the kind of day where you start meetings at 0830 that bleed into other meetings, then into meeting for an emergency, then lunch when you talk about the emergency, then another meeting about the emergency, then you end up leaving 8.5 hours later (rising time is 0430, with a 2 hour commute in the afternoon) missing yet another meeting but you have a carpool, so off you go. The fabulous thing is that you have somehow managed to avoid doing any of the work that you intended to do, so you have that to work on as soon as you come in the next morning.

And the emergencies - that's the sheer insanity. There are moments when one feels as if one is trapped where the very process of thinking has been somehow abandoned, where common sense was left at Tivoli, where not only does the right hand not know what the left hand is doing but it is questionable if any two fingers on the same hand are moving in the same direction.

So to make myself happy, I planted onions and garlic.

The garden is getting ready to make the switchover from winter to spring: The wheat, rye, and barley are in full head now, and I am digging around them, preparing for the next round. The potatoes have sprouted, and I had the rather unusual experience of trying to plant asparagus - the root balls were big, and they take up lots of room, and then I figured "If I can plant them in rows, why not post holes?" We'll see - these things never work out well for me.

I planted three types of onions - yellow sets, seeds for Alisa Craig (a yellow bulbing onion), and Red Torpedo Onion ( a not surprisingly red onion). I like planting seeds, as it does give you more selection, and you can plant them closer - you pull them early for green onions (Yum!). The garlic are just plain old 3rd generation Safeway that I bought and have saved - although I have been getting some fabulous purple heads (which are hot - again, yum!).

It's amazing to me how happy being in the garden, working with the soil and plants, makes me - not that I have any more control over the process, but perhaps because I am less at the receiving end of circumstances beyond my control.

And, I suppose, that I get to eat the fruits (or vegetables) of my labor, instead of collecting more paper which will eventually be recycled.

Simple Pleasures

This evening one of simple pleasures. As the Ravishing Mrs. TB has had a hard week, I offered to take the girls out for a while. We used the Truck (always a pleasure for me) and went to In-n-Out burger for dinner. I am coming more and more to appreciate the virtues of In-N-Out for various reason: They are inexpensive (one of the few places we can feed our family for under $20.00), they are tasty, and since it costs the same to go to McDonald's, why not go where you like it more? (No small plastic knick-knacks to lay around, either)

After that, we went over to Lowe's. I typically don't like going to big home improvement stores (but prefer Lowe's to Home Depot), but I had gift cards, so off we went. We got peat pots to start our garden vegetables - in the past, I've been lazy about it , and my gardening suffers for it.

I also got a few flowers to plant around the front of the house. I've pretty much surrendered to the fact that for landscaping, especially out front (which typically I never see, because I'm in the house), as long as it is neat, easy, and has flowers, I'm good. At this point, we're not seeking to sell the house, and we're certainly not trying to impress anyone, so why not be reasonable.

One of the gems of the evening was watching the girls point out and follow the sparrows that live inside Lowe's. They always remind me of seeing the small things and valuing them.

And then, home and reading and bed. All in all, a reasonable evening.

Foggy Moon

Coastal pre-dawn fog
diffuses the crescent moon
as a pastel blur.

Spring in wine country

Smudgepots in vineyards,
Smokey squat Spring Jack-O-Lanterns
Scare away the cold.

The waning moon is blurred
by translucent harbringers:
Spring is not quite here.

Speech

So yesterday, I was preparing for my faith group lesson. We have currently been going through Titus, generally taking a section as broken down in the MacArthur Study Bible. Originally, I was going to do Titus 3:1-8.

Then, that whole thing about the Word of God being sharper than a two-edged sword, dividing between the soul and the spirit, came to light.

The verses we actually got to were verses 1 and 2: "Remind them to submit to rulers and authorities, to obey, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no-one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing all meekness to all men".

In doing this study, I consulted Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Whole Bible. Here's a sample of where we ended up - for me, the most condemning part, the question of speaking evil of no-one:

“To speak evil of none, unjustly and falsely, or unnecessarily, without call, and when it may do hurt but no good to the person himself or to any other. If no good can be spoken, rather than speak evil unnecessarily, say nothing. We must never take pleasure in speaking ill of others, nor make the worst of any thing, but the best we can. We must not go up and down as tale-bearers, carrying ill-natured stories, to the prejudice of our neighbour’s good name the destruction of brotherly love. Misrepresentations, or insinuations of bad intention, or of hypocrisy in what is known, things out of our reach or cognizance, these come with reach of this prohibition. As this evil is too common, so it is of great malignity.” (p. 2373).

Talk about being hit between the eyes. Yes, perhaps I don't engage in directly saying evil about others, but how often to I insinuate, say something when I should say nothing, read into circumstances that which is not there, give interpretations when I don't know.

The thing which I think bothers me more is how often I try to conceal it from myself by couching it in terms of being informed, or honest, or "getting a complaint off my chest." To read Henry, I'm just fooling myself.

But isn't that the nature of so much of our ingrained sin - that we conceal it from ourselves by the excuses that we make? As the Apostle Paul said, "But if we judged ourselves truly, we should not be judged" (I Corinthians 11:31) (Although interestingly enough, the Greek is more to "If we discerned ourselves/judged ourselves correctly, we would not be discerned/judged). Did I judge myself honestly today -or hide my sin under a layer of intentional ignorance?

Roots

Today, as I was mowing and edging my lawn, I got to looking at the joint at the bottom of my driveway, the connection between it and the sidewalk. When it was built, they laid down this sort of brown filler, semipermeable, which occasionally picks up weeds which grow out of it. As I was in the pulling mood anyway, down I went.

Imagine my surprise when, in pulling out these seedlings, I pulled a root as long or longer than the plant itself! The other version was the root ball, where again the bulk of the roots were bigger than the plant itself.

Do I have that kind of tenacity? When the going gets tough, do my roots go down deep, perhaps deeper than myself? Or am I just on the surface, waiting for the next blade shovel to lop me off at the top and then I'm done?

Common Sense

Job security is a funny thing - especially in the industry I work in. It' s a well conceded fact that, unless you move around every 3-5 years, you are perceived to be in a position too long (unless you're senior management, of course). Companies rise and fall on the basis of their products, either succeeding (and often getting purchased) or failing (and falling apart), with employees wandering and reforming into new configurations.

I had had moderate faith until today that my company's leadership had sound decision making capacities. They had a game plan, they were following it up, and this hoped to turn the corner with a new avenue of business.

Until today, when I and my manager are arguing about something that seems so basic to understanding of how this industry works. The response we got was essentially "We're willing to take the business risk (based on what is in my opinion a silly philosophy) just so we can get it done. We'll deal with the consequences later - and besides, there are other checks in place to prevent bad things from happening".

And then you start running out the options: If this fails, it's likely the board would not endorse further actions in this direction, which would change the direction of the company. We would fall back on our primary business which, though profitable, definitely is not a real revenue generating tool. Not much revenue, not lots of perks - not lots of employees either, possibly.

It alarms me (and I don't really know why it should) that so often people whom I believe have the experience to know better, don't. It is a constant reminder that common sense is not all that common.

I've often said that operating at risk means that sometimes you fail. It surprises me how few individuals really believe that.

The Home Closet

So I reorganized my home corner last night. It was something that I had needed to do, and I finally had some time.

My home corner, for those that don't know, is the office that I had always wanted to have. Our fourth bedroom was already converted to an enlarged family room, and we did not buy in time to expand the single car portion of our garage into a room...so I have the back end of our walk in closet.

It has a desk that fits right in the slot (oddly enough, the desk I have had since the fourth grade) which gives me a work surface, and the three surrounding walls, which give me a place to hang things. Part of my frustration was that I was buried in clothes and general clutter - but that has been taken care of.

I need a work space, a work environment conducive to thinking and writing (and harp playing, as it turns out), and this is the option I have.

But having it clean and organized does give me a sense of both victory as well as of order. I have reclaimed my little corner of the house.

Now to use it.

Fog

In the after night
morning fog hems in the town's light,
lighting another dawn.

Mirror of my soul,
Fog floats across the moon's face
as thoughts crowd my heart.

A long motion in the same direction

There are moments in life where one pops up for air, looks around, and is suddenly overwhelmed by the sameness of the landscape. It's like driving on Interstate 80 through Nevada: Hills, scrub brush, a half dozen trailer parks with tumbleweed in their yard - look, a town! - hills, more scrub brush, how long until we get there...

It's a damnable, dull gnawing thing. One has much to be thankful for - far more blessed than one could have ever hoped - but yet there is a nagging feeling of the sameness of it all, a sameness in all one does and all one's relationships: I get up at the same time, I read the same things, I go to work the same way, I do the same thing, I come home in the same traffic, I go through the same routine at home, I wash the same dishes, do the same pre-bed activities, and off to bed I go.

Look it's another day.

It's at moments like these that I struggle to find God in my circumstances. I feel not so much abandoned as ignored, as if I've been put on cruise control. Moments of supernatural are few and far between, crushed out between the deadly dull realities like a daisy smashed between two paving stones.

It's also at moments like these that I find myself more and more wanting to throw it all away, to hit the road, to do the anti-dull routine thing, to be zany and crazy and wild and passionate and exciting - all the things that it feels like I'm missing. But then I get caught, thinking "But who will pay for, and what will be done about, and what will this look like...."

How does one resolve the incongruity of the swiftness of time and the slowness of living through it?