Spring Haze

Under icy wisps
White puffs float above green wheat:
Snow on Sierras.

Two Haikus

Thinking to hear snaps
Pink petals feel damp and cool:
My dreams float in wind.

In spring time runoff,
White Heron stately searches
for lunch in brown lake.

Chasing DT

You do not know me,
nor would I wish you too,
as there is a certain joy in anonymity.
You are what I perceive as desirable,
or are you?
Do I mistake you for the thing that you represent,
the thing that I truly desire?
In seeking passion, do I confuse it with and settle for desire?

You do not know me,
but perhaps,
I do not know myself.

Spring

Pink snow waits, then moves,
as brown spindly clouds make more.
Look: Spring has Arrived

Agape

One thing that I have always found difficult about the concept of agape love is how does one keep it from becoming a duty, something one must do?

Agape, if you're not familiar, is the love that we as Christians are called to express to one another. It's the love Christ has for us. It represents a commitment of the will to do the best for the other person, regardless of how one feels. This is in contrast to the other 3 words for love in Greek - Phileo (affection), Storge (Easiest definition is the kind of love friends share), and Eros (Sexual love).

Agape, as the Bible defines it, is the love which is represented by Christ's love towards us: committed to sacrificing Himself on the Cross for the forgiveness of sins. He counted the cost - and went forward.

The struggle I have is that so often agape becomes like a duty. We do things because we made a commitment, because we are committed to the best for others, no matter the cost to ourselves. The point that always breaks over my head is "This is will - but where is emotion?"

At one time I used to be the proverbial "Hopeless Romantic" - at least until I was 23. Then, I had a really bad relational experience, one that left me personally embarrassed and heart. It's odd, but I time out my loss of "emotional romantic love" - that kind of gooey, breathless feeling - to that date. Doesn't mean I haven't had emotion, doesn't mean that I don't love the Ravishing Mrs. TB and the children - but it makes me I've lost something from time to time.

This plays into my first thought, as what at one time might have been done for emotion is now done as a choice of the will. The genesis may be very well different as well - wanting the good for the other, rather than how it makes one feel. The rub comes in that with the second kind, the payback is generally self evident in the process i.e. I give flowers, my wife responds, we have a pleasant evening. In the other place, one may well do something that it a good, and it goes unnoticed or unappreciated - yet in the benefit to the other, one chooses to do the loving thing. Yet without the immediate emotional payback, and continuing to do it, it becomes much more like something which must be done.

I don't have an answer - but sometimes I wonder, where that emotional romantic chap went to...

Thoughts on a Tree by the Road

On a gnarled branch
White blossoms float in sunrise:
Springtime in darkness.

Old Friends

Last night I had one of the pleasures that only comes occassionally in this life: introducing my good friends to each other.

We had a Leap Day Party yesterday. Amongst the participants were Uisdean Ruadh and Bogha Frois (As an added benefit, Bogha Frois brought L'Acadien with her). Bogha Frois actually arrived as most of the people were leaving, so we had another good two hours together.

There is simply nothing more delightful than introducing old friends to one another. You get to relive the stories of years and years and actually have someone that hasn't heard them. Generally, if they are your friends, you all have the similar tastes, so you can all laugh together. And as everyone knows, the old stories really are the best stories.

Is this a foretaste of Heaven? Will meeting those that have gone on in victory be the same, sharing stories of our Lord on the battlefield, all united in the love for and mercy of Him?

If it is this pleasurable on earth, what will Heaven be like?

The Obscure Answer to Prayer

So today I march out from work precisely at 3:00 PM, ready to hit the road. I open the car door, pull it shut with the loud finality of being done for the day, insert my key into the ignition, confidently turn it...

And nothing.

Yes, I think my ignition cylinder is shot (there is no resistance - it just turns). Here I am, 55 miles from home, and stuck.

I call the Ravishing Mrs. TB. She has a show tonight, so she need me to be home. How, I ask? My experience last month tells me that even if I call AAA, they may not tow me until the end of their shift. Try anyway, says she.

So I come back in dejectedly, trying to figure out what to do. Spend the night at a co-worker's? Borrow the company truck? Then I realize- a co-worker lives in the same city I do. Maybe he can give me a ride home.

I am blessed twice over - he can, if his supervisor will let him. His supervisor, perhaps noting the whining tone, invocation of my children home alone, and my groveling, agrees. He just has to finish up his task.

He comes at 4:15. I have a little concern, as I know traffic can be a bear, and leaving at 4:30 is a gambling proposition. But again, I am doubly blessed: my co-worker is a talker, and we have a great conversation all the way home; and there is almost literally no traffic. Even with showing me where he lives (about half a mile from me), we still get home in 80 minutes, which is good any time of the day.

Did I handle it as well as I might have? No, not really - I stressed out and ate, and I was a little short with the Ravishing Mrs. TB. Is the car fixed? No, it's still at work, and will have to be towed tomorrow.

God came through again - but as is so often the case, He not only provided, He forced me to take action to demonstrate and practice those things - patience, thankfulness, and kindness - that I have been praying to Him for.

Prayer Request

A prayer request for The Forty Five community (all three of you...) for Uisdean Ruadh. I spoke with him yesterday and he has need of your prayers. He learned last week that his daughter may be moving to a different part of the state with her mother. He's obviously wondering what to do - what he can do.

Pray for his peace and wisdom as well as peace and wisdom for his daughter and that, in all things, God's will would prevail

The Blue Funk

So it seems I'm in the midst of a blue funk. Why, you ask.

I haven't a darn clue.

It could be a multiplicity of factors: tired (I did not sleep well Sunday night); work (nothing big - just tons of petty items that weigh one down); family (probably not - we actually had a profitable discussion on our finances this week); faith (again, probably not); or something else I'm not aware of. The bottom line is I'm listless, not energetic, not optimistic.

Odd, because this is not at all my experience of the last three weeks, when I was feeling optimistic, on target, planning ahead, and hopeful. It perhaps is more noticeable to me now as the absence makes it clear.

I'll be frank - I don't like this. Which is odd, because hitherto, I would have largely defined myself as a pessimist, not a planner, and certainly not proactive.

How do you clear a thing you have no idea where it came from?

Criticism

One of the abilities of those who are able to succeed in life - whatever their role may be - is the ability to accept and profit from criticism. I firmly believe this. At the root of all criticism - even the seemingly truly underserved - is something which at least should be considered or contemplated, if not thought about, analyzed, and acted upon.

Criticism comes in many forms, whether useful (teacher's comments, employer reviews, anonymous feedback, the comments of friends, or true judges in competition) or not as evidentially useful (personal attacks, bad judges, anonymous feedback, third party critics).

So why can't I deal with it?

It's true. I struggle might with criticism, even the gently administered and contructive kind. I've gotten better, but I still intepret it as a form of personal attack (even from myself).

If I had to give the answer I probably don't want to, it's pride: that gnawing, biting sin that says that I am bettter than the others, that I am (in fact) virtually perfect, and hardly need the help of others (after all, what do they know anyway?). To be corrected, suggested, commented upon, edited, or otherwise receive input in anything but a positive way is not only an attack upon my performance, but upon me. After all, I'm the one whose doing these things.

The remedy? That most difficult of virtues, humility. Admitting one does not know it all, that one can learn from anyone and anywhere, if only we will take the time to do it. That one can always improve no matter what.

That I, even I, do not know it all.

Rain and Planets

Another rainy day - but with a home show in the house, this means I have been somewhat exiled (by choice, I assure you) to the back bedroom. Here, ensconced with wireless internet, a gray and cloudy day, hot coffee, and good music, I write. There is virtually nothing that could be more perfect (perhaps Wheat Thins and a good Cabernet Sauvignon, but I'm willing to tough it out...)

The music I am listening to is something I treated myself to this week, using a 20% off coupon at Borders: Gustav Holst's The Planets. I have enjoyed the work for many years (having been introduced to it in high school), and currently only had it on casette tape. The CD itself was inexpensive - $5.14 after tax. It's always amazing to me how some things which can bring so much pleasure are so inexpensive.

As I wrote earlier, one of the outcomes of my Lenten decision has been to listen to classical music daily as part of my commute. It has been a wonderful experience, one which I intened to continue with. In some small way, I understand why those who love the classics have such problems with modern music. Two things that strike me at once are dynamics - virtually no music produced today has such things - and the structure of the music itself. Chordal structure, themes and counterthemes - little to none do I hear of those today.

Does it helps one's mind think better, as some propose. I'm not sure - but it is certainly a delight to hear!

Stressed Out

So I've been stressed this week - mostly from work, but also from life in general.

What has been fascinating to observe - perhaps for the first time - is how I deal with the stress. Over the last month, I have been trying to establish some form of regularity and stucture to my life - a schedule of sorts, if you well. What I have found in the last 3 days is that when I get stressed, that structure goes out the window.

How? I eat - a lot. I choose not to do the activities that I have written down, but instead I am somewhat lazy and do the things which take the least effort. All in all, hardly a way to deal with it (and calorie rich as well).

Now the real question: why do I act this way, instead of taking positive action to address the causes of my stress?

If I had to think hard, my suspicision would be that I feel the stress in my life comes from items outside of my control; therefore, I revert to those few things that I feel I can control: what I do and when I do it. The odd thing is, this is partially right: the factors that are not in control can influence my life.

The wrong part is that I have no influence in return.

Dr. Stephen Covey (The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) talks about 2 circles, one inside another. The inner circle would be labeled the circle of influence, the outer circle as the circle of concern. We cannot change the circle of concern directly, but we can change the circle of influence (these are things that we can affect). It is Covey's assertion that as we address items in our circle of influence, it will increase and our circle of concern will decrease and we will increase our ability to control factors in our life.

So back to my problem: I am stressed out at work.

Answer: What are the items I can control? In some cases, nothing can now be done about the past, but I can change the future of these items and programs. Instead of wallowing in my increased heart rate and Ritz crackers, why don't I try to do something to positively affect them? Write up a case study, see where the weaknesses are, prepare to address them?

What items are in your circle of influence? Do you know? Why aren't you addressing them?

Plans

There is something of a grim comedy at least in the sight of man, if not God, when the plans one has carefully set using forward thing and achievement goals suddenly hits reality, often times known as a brick wall. All of a sudden, all the carefully drawn up, year by year anaylsis one has done, the figures, the spreadsheets, is suddenly in jeopardy of being set aside.

The even more interesting thing (and more telling) is that these things appear to be due to circumstances beyond the control of you, the planner. It is at that moment, when you suddenly realize that your happy little bubble is in danger of not happening, that the sinking feeling of futility and depression set in.

How does one cope in these circumstances? The reality is, one has to get up and start the next day just like the last. Does that make planning bad? No, it holds a valuable place in organizing our activities and our life. It is only when the plan becomes the only way our life will work, that God steps in to remind us of how little we are truly in control of our own circumstances.

A Sign on the Side of the Road

Part of the joy - and frustration - of blogging is when things come to you and how suddenly a subject one was thinking about can change.

Witness - As I was driving home this afternoon, a sign on the side of the road for an industry which The Firm was in got me thinking about connections, and people I knew. I can honestly say that outside of my church family and my real family, I speak to no-one involved in the Firm. Haven't for 2 years now. All the agonizing over clients and their opinions, what partners thought of me, our vendors - everyone, gone with wind.

Which built on a theme I was thinking on last week, namely problems with my self belief (Jeffrey Gittomer - the man's a genius!), and one of the them was "People will think I'm stupid or will think less of me". The question I asked myself was of all the people I spoke to in my industry 10, 7, 5 years ago, how many do I speak to now? Answer: 1. In another 10 year, the likelihood that I will speak to any of the people I work with now? Answer: At least 1, maybe a few more. So why do I let the opinions and thoughts of others control me?

But isn't that the insidious pull of peer pressure, especially when we're younger (or not so young for some)? The pull of what others will think, say, or do in reaction to us causes us to do things that at a minimum can be silly or foolish, or at a maximum can be dangerous (and Lord knows I've done my share of both!).

Speaking as a Christian, how do I make the Audience of One more real than the crowd of many? How do I pay attenion to the only Person that really matters? How do I focus the appropriate amount of concern with the folks I am with, while not falling into the quicksand of pleasing them, or seeking their approval?

And more critically, how do I put this vision into my children, so that they can benefit from my errors?

Starting over

As part of my reading program this year, I am going through My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. Chambers was a late 19th/Early 20th century (1874-1917) teacher and chaplain who died at the age of 43 while ministering to Australian and New Zealand troops in Egypt during World War I. It has been 15 or more years since I read the book, and I am struck (even as I am when I re-read other books) about the things that were there that I never saw before - or perhaps, were not so meaningful to me then. I am including the entire devotional for today's date, 18 February, as it speaks to what I have been mulling over recently, especially with the failure of the The Firm:

"TAKING THE INITIATIVE AGAINST DESPAIR

'Rise, let us be going (Matthew 26:46)'

In the Garden of Gethsemane, the disciples went to sleep when they should have stayed awake, and once the realized what they had done it produced despair. The sense of having done something irreversible tends to make us despair. We say, "Well, it's all over and ruined now; what's the point in trying anymore." If we think this kind of despair is an exception, we are mistaken. It is a very ordinary human experience. Whenever we realize we have not taken advantage of a magnificent opportunity, we apt to sink into despair. But Jesus comes and lovingly says to us, in essence, "Sleep on now. That opportunity is lost forever and you can't change that. But get up, and let's go on to the next thing." In other words, let the past sleep, but let it sleep in the sweet embrace of Christ, and let us go on into the invincible future with Him.

There will be experiences like this in each of our lives. We will have times of despair caused by real events in our lives, and we will be unable to lift ourselves out of them. The disciples, in this instance, had done a downright unthinkable thing - they had gone to sleep instead of watching with Jesus. But our Lord came to them taking the spiritual initiative against their despair and said, in effect, "Get up, and do the next thing." If we are inspired by God, what is the next thing? It is to trust Him absolutely and to pray on the basis of His redemption.

Never let the sense of past failure defeat your next step."

- Chambers, Oswald. My Utmost for His Highest. Ed. James Reimann. Grand Rapids, MI: Discovery House Publishers, 1992. Entry for February 18th.

A daily online version of the devotional is here.

Proto-Spring

We had an outing yesterday, partially because it was beautfil spring-like weather, and partially because the Ravishing Mrs. TB is sick of being inside with the winter.

We had a contrast of nature: at one end, we visited our local marsh, to which I've never been. Once you got into the marsh proper, it was beautiful in a kind of stark, isolated way, with the brown of the reeds and water plants interspaced with the browner water and black grebes diving for lunch.

One the other end, we walked near the edge of town near a park which connects the neighboring two cities. It was beautiful: the green grass, the wildflowers, the old orchard trees bursting both into bloom and into leaf. We climbed to the top of the hill, where this tree was located, and could look up into the greener hills west of us.

The more time I spend in nature, the more I can see the glory of God bursting forth, even as I see the subtle folly of those who have God without nature. With God, nature becomes the mechanism put into place by one more powerful than it, to be molded and protected and cared for by us. Without God, nature itself becomes god, something which must be worshipped, placated, and feared. With God, there is forgiveness and renewal. With nature as god, there is no forgiveness or renewal, just the constant placation of doing more, giving up more, all for the end of something which cannot save, comfort, or have a relationship with us.

But happily for me, I see the God behind the creation. I can look at the flowering trees, the green grass, the dead marshes, and in everything see His love and mercy and grace and creativity. Glory be that we should serve such a God.

Lent

I am now 1.5 weeks into my Lent experience. How are things going? Much better than I had possibly hoped.

The surrender of dessert has morphed into a great degree of control over my diet at all times. My waistline is testimony to it. I feel physically better, less stuffed, more in control.

The surrender of media has been even more powerful. I have, for the most part, not listened to any radio (talk or otherwise), read any written media, or wandered to my usual spots on the web. Again, the change has been fair more than I anticipated. It has given me more time on my drive - now I listen to classical music, pratice Japanese with CDs, or listen to motivational CDs.

My stress level has been cut to one I have not felt in years - which undoubtedly is for the better, as there were all over things I could not control anyway (thus proving the futility of worrying about that which you cannot control). It has helped my nailbiting immensely as well, as it seems to make me less prone to try to do the only thing I have to power to do. In general, I feel more peaceful, more thoughtful, and more able to address those things over which I do have control.

In both cases, these are things which, although started for Lent, seem to have enhanced my life to the point that I will gladly incoporate them into my daily practice - and after all, isn't that one function of introspection?

Tempus Fugit

Here's a thought from Seneca which made me think:

"Let us act on this, then, wholeheartedly. Let us cut out all distractions and work away at this alone for fear that we may otherwise be left behind and only eventually realize one day the swiftness of this fleeting phenomena, time, which we are powerless to hold back. Every day as it comes should be welcomed and reduced forthwith into our own possession as if it were the finest day imaginable. What flies past has to be seized at." - Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters From A Stoic, Letter CVIII

I know I've written on this before, but what struck me in this passage are two things: One is that we truly are powerless to hold back time. We can only preserve pieces of time in our minds, or increasingly in our media - think of a time when you've looked at a photo or video and are reminded of the happy (or not so happy) experience. The experience is captured, but we cannot hold the time that it encapsulated. So much of modern society is intent only hold time back through making our bodies appear as if no time had passed, or extending the periods of time that we enjoyed most. But even these are small lies (but not harmless) that we tell ourselves.

The second thing is his assertion that what flies past must be seized at. The simple fact is that this is true. Given my own inclinations, I would scarcely have any interest (and have) in doing the things that I need to do or should. And time, like an express train, is happy to pass by my little station and continue on. It's only when I grab it and bend it to what needs to be accomplished that it true is useful - although grabbing it and using it is not always equivalent to being busy.

One of my closet fears for many years has been that I was not using my talents and gifts to God's glory. I'm coming to appreciate that not only this true, but it is also true of the time that He has given me and each of us. Some person much wiser than myself has said that God gives us enough time to accomplish what His task is for us. If we only have enough time for that, we can scarcely count on having the luxury of wasting any of it.

Writing Update

So, you ask, what is the writing update, Mr. "I'm found my life quest and it's to be an author? You haven't mentioned anything after your brief burst of activity. Where's War and Peace?"

Well, that's a fine question. Part of the issue has been simply figuring out what to write. Guess what: I'm an essayist. I can write self contained works about particular subjects or topics (like this blog). I'm not so much a novelist - but that is more a failure of me not trying and training myself, than of me not being able to do it. Writing a novel, so far I've found, takes a lot of patience - something I am working on mastering.

Which leaves essaying, which is somewhat more difficult to get published, I think.

Ah, but you ask, the book. What about the book?

Let's be fair. It's really just a manuscript - Taking God Seriously: The Question of Obedience. I have had it manuscript edited once by a gentleman who was very kind with his time and his suggestions. Still, it's short - maybe 25 pages max, more of a devotional (again, think essays) than a book.

Part of my writing struggle, then, is finishing the job. I want to go on to something new, but in reality I need to finish what I started.

Which leads to people reviewing the work, which leads to how I deal with criticism.

Which, it seems, leads to a next posting on the matter.