This past week I have been severely out of sorts, with a depression that I have not experienced in some years.
It came on me as I left work for no reason that I could discern. It followed me through at the gym, which was a miserable affair of me doing the "work" I had committed to doing when I showed up, and then completely overcame me when I got home. Dinner was a lazy affair of comfort food; I was in bed by 2000.
It might seem like an odd topic, humility and depression. But I think there is value in admitting all of our emotions in the practice of humility. One of them is simply sometimes I get depressed.
Depression has certainly entered the mainstream a great deal more than when I first had to deal with it as a teenager. That is good in that it is both acceptable and okay to say "I am depressed". I do wonder if it is also bad in the sense that, being something that is commonly batted about, we lose some of the urgency and poignancy that should come along with addressing it. It can become something that we simply go get a prescription for or sign on once a week for our virtual counseling appointment - not there is anything wrong with either of those; what I am concerned about is a familiarity that ultimately ignores the actual condition.
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One of the things that I have found comforting in my Monday night Men's group (my regular group, not the short-term one I am leading) is the fact that we are incredibly honest about our feelings. That strikes me as a very unusual thing in the modern world: I am never likely to mention to coworkers that I am in a depression and quite possibly not to family or friends that I speak with occasionally (although my family undoubtedly knows). It is only in this group that I somehow feel that I can discuss such things.
Why is that? I am not sure, really - in this case these are men that I have known for a little over a year and seen once a week only. And yet there is a robustness in our conversations, an honesty, that makes such communications possible.
And humility, of course. It takes a lot of humility in a modern culture that only pushes that things are always okay to be able to admit that they are not.
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The depression will pass - it always does of course, I have lived long enough to know that "now" is not "forever". But the humility to admit that I have depression is something I have to remind myself to practice every day.
After all, I have to remind myself that I am not the only one that does so and that some other person may need the example of someone humble enough to admit their depression to be able to admit their own.
Good thing to have a Men's Group where you can discuss such personal issues, thoughts and feelings TB. Having someone else listen is powerful, someone or someones not related. As you wrote things are NOT always OK.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with depression this time of year. Unlike typical SADD, it clears up after Christmas.
ReplyDeleteSome of it is triggered by the days getting shorter and the cloudy skies.
Some of it is triggered by unfortunate events that happened to me in October. Not exactly PTSD but sort of a reduction in my baseline resilience.
Also, every-other-year there is an election in very early November. Consequently, the media is saturated with disturbing images and language as each side attempts to inflame their voter base throughout the month of October.
Taking a dog for a walk outside is about the only advice I an offer.
-Joe
Prayers up for you. Being a "mechanic", I always look for ways to fix. I've found my blues stem from anniversaries of painful times, body problems and current interpersonal strife. Usually, it resolves in a few days. Knowing the why helps me endure. And, I really wonder, if there is a predisposition to depression... my dad had it. I never went through his level, mine seemed lighter. Every one has their own spec sheet. We are one-off custom units.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your writing today. Your mention on depression becoming something “commonly batted about” put an idea in my head regarding the trouble we have had in getting my daughter help for her depression. Perhaps with depression being so common, doctors assume all depression is of the common sort. If you are sad, hopeless, you’re “just” depressed, here’s a pill. Any thing more complicated becomes just a person who won’t cooperate and doctors, for whatever reason, won’t look for a more accurate or complicated diagnosis. Next time she sees a psychiatrist, I will speak up about how her depression is not of a common variety.
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