Essentialism (XX): Eliminate: Dare

 "Have you ever said yew when you meant no simply to avoid conflict or friction?"  We all have, says McKeown, and this leads to what he considers to be one of the most important skills in being an Essentialist:  the ability to say "no".

The ability to dare to say no, he says, really becomes an exercise in courage:  the courage of the Essentialist to say no to thing - good things - and people - good people.  Without this sort of courage, the Essentialist simply becomes a series of lip services, something we want to do - but never do.

It is hard - one of the hardest things (in a social sense) that we as humans can do for two reasons.  The first is relatively straightforward - do we know enough about what is essential to make those choices.  The second is that, as humans, we want to get along with others and so saying "no" can be awkward for us.

How do we get out of this trap?  "By learning to say no firmly, resolutely, and yet gracefully".  Easy enough to say, difficult to do.

But it is critical - because if we are always saying "yes" to everything, something else will have to be pushed aside to meet the new commitment until there is simply no time to do such things.  So how is this accomplished?  Perhaps unsurprisingly, McKeown has some suggestions:

1)  Separate the decision from the relationship:  Denying a request is not the same as denying a person.

2)  Saying "no" gracefully does not necessarily involve using the word No:  The English language is vast; there are phrases such as "I am flattered that you thought of me but I do not have the bandwidth" or "I a would very much like to but I am overcommitted" that accomplish the same task.

3) Focus on the tradeoff:  Focus less on what we are saying "no" to and what we are instead saying "yes" to - after all, the Essentialist knows life is tradeoffs and while we can do anything, we cannot do everything.

4)  Remind yourself that everyone is selling something:  Not that all people are evil of course, but everyone is trying to sell something in exchange for your time - is it worth it?

5)  Make your peace with the fact that saying "no" often requires trading popularity for respect:  When we say "no", suggests McKeown, there is often a short term loss of respect.  It is natural - and leaves the asking party perhaps feeling sad or disappointed or angry.  But there is another side of the coin, he suggests:  over time, people that feel that short-term disappointment or anger may see it transformed as they come to see that the Essentialist treats their time as valuable.

6)  Remember a clear "no" can be more graceful than a vague or noncommittal "yes":  There is nothing worse as a person asking for something to get what your think is a "yes", only to find out that they never really committed in their mind in the first place.  People respect clarity; a clear "no" means they know the next step (finding another person) rather than the vague "yes" that means they plan, only to be disappointed.

In closing, McKeown offers eight ideas to say "no" gracefully:

1) The awkward pause (or, delaying to think or until the other person adds more information).

2) The soft "no" (or "no, but").

3)  "Let me check my calendar and get back to you."

4)  "Using e-mail (or now, chat) bouncebacks.

5) Say "Yes.  What should I deprioritize?"

6) Say it with humour.

7) Use the words "You are welcome to X, I am willing to Y".

8) "I can't do it, but X might be interested".

In closing, McKeown notes that the ability to say no is a leadership capability. The more we practice - gracefully, politely, even kindly - the better we get at it.  Quoting Tom Friel, former CEO of Heidrick and Struggles, he notes "We need to learn the slow 'yes' and the quick 'no'".

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Application:

Perhaps unsurprisingly, saying "no" is something I have struggled with for the bulk of my life.  As someone who is by and large a people pleaser, the opportunity to say "yes" is an opportunity to please people.  But as McKeown notes, we cannot say "yes" to everything and everyone else and somehow get done the things we would like to get done.

And so, of necessity I have had to learn to do this.

If I look at the various techniques listed in the book, by far the ones I used of late are the "no, but", "Let me check my calendar" (a great one for work), and saying it with humour (always with me, the humour).  And, of course, learning in general to separate the individual from the request.

Am I always successful at this?  Of course not, and I am probably still more likely than not to say "yes" to a request.  But at least now, I take a moment and think if I have the time and bandwidth to accommodate it, given what I myself have to work on.  It is not perfect, but I am on the journey.