Tuesday, December 14, 2021

Failures Of Personal Holiness

One of the more egregious things I often find myself guilty of is my own inability to practice personal holiness.  Too often I settle for a sort of perceived holiness, loving the concept of it and even some of the exterior portions of it, but failing to actually internalize and practice it.

I can make excuses, of course: the ability to be unholy is more easily accessed than ever, God is a forgiving God, even that in the scope of things what my issues do not constitute the major breaches of the great sinners of history (that last point, of course, is irrelevant:  all sin is a major breach with God, I just choose to justify it).

Like many things, the compromises we make are inevitably small and perhaps unnoticed by a world that has no intent of concerning itself with such things:  swearing, a little suggestive (or outright blatant) innuendo, that one "extra" glass of alcohol or piece of cake or anything else that represents going over what we know to be our personal boundary, the unkind/uncharitable thought.  No big deal.  Perhaps I ask for forgiveness after I hear the word or see the thing or slur my words a bit or feel stuffed to the point of sickness or realize that my unkind/uncharitable thought actually impacted my behavior.

The problem is not that I recognize any of this, nor even that I ask for forgiveness for it.  The problem is that I then make peace with it, and the envelope is pushed a little farther the next time.  And the next time.

For the record, this meditation was not inspired by some kind of big sin or failure, in case you are wondering. Let us get that out of the way.  It was inspired, like most things, by a small thing:  a series I was watching that had the sorts of small compromises in it that I pretended should be okay, until the larger compromise came and I realize that all along, I had been quietly making peace with - and even recommending - something which I should have neither made peace with nor recommended.

It is not a big thing - in fact, in the modern world it would likely not register on anyone's radar as anything unremarkable.  But all of a sudden, it registered on mine.

How did I come to make peace with the unholy?  How did I come to quietly become comfortable with that with which I should be uncomfortable?

Understand that this has nothing to do with the world out there.  This has nothing to do (inherently) with changing the world for good or ways to combat evil in the world.  It has everything to do with my being an effective tool of God, and the ways that I prevent that by loving evil more than loving good in my own heart.

I think perhaps the most alarming thing when a shock like this confronts me is how far the rot seems to have spread internally.  How far I have deviated from mean.  How much I have, as John the Apostle wrote, come to love "the lust of eyes, the lust of flesh, and the pride of life".

Change, of course, is both simple and hard - simple in that it is a known process (that of repentance), hard in that it involves uprooting a great many things that I have allowed to take root in my life.  It means removing several things from my life (not necessarily those I listed above) both root and branch - not just the visible (mental or physical) manifestations of them in my life, but the invisible ones and the things that I have allowed in to support them.  In some cases, it literally represents completely absenting myself from certain activities or entertainments or enjoyments which might for others be legitimate and unproblematic, but for me represent points of failure.

I could make the point, I suppose, that really I am just reflecting the state of the Church today. I suppose I could make that point, but really it is pointless to do so and perhaps even counterproductive.  To blame my own failings on something or someone else is to cede not only my responsibility for them but my power to abandon them.  

But to be fair, it has nothing to do with Church - and everything to do with me.  The Gospel states that we as individuals - not we as a corporate entity - are to be judged and are responsible for our own decisions.  These failings remain my own, the fruit of my own choices and compromises.

And therefore, the solution and the cure - and the now evident price for the undoing of this all - remains solely and completely with me.

14 comments:

  1. TB I could write you a book on compromising with evil and failure and coming to tolerate and accept it. You're doing alright. Have a care that you don't become your own worst enemy with stuff like this.

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    1. Glen, perhaps we should co-author a book: "Mistakes we have made and how/how not to make them".

      As you say, too much introspection can become the enemy as well. I suppose what I am getting to is that I have a significant enough level of non-introspection at this level that got my attention.

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  2. One thing I really love about the Catholic faith is how easy it is to repent and start fresh.

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    1. Ed - I will say that this is strength of the Catholic church. Honestly, I wish the practice of anonymous confession was practiced more universally.

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  3. This is practical Christianity. And you don't hear much about it in the main. I am battling with this off and on. When I said "I do", I meant it. As a result of that vow to God, before witnesses, I had no plan B. No matter how bad it got, or rich, or poor, or sick, or whatever, I gave my word and I fully intended to keep it. Like all promises, I had no idea the full gravity of it at the time, but as issues arose, it gave me a firm footing to meet them and go through them. I needed God's own help to do that of course, but there it is.

    Now that the other party is ending this, I find my simple agreement to that an affront to my vow. And it is distressing at times. It is the small foxes that ruin the vines. No one falls off a cliff unless they take small steps towards it. And, knowing that, this decision bugs the snot out of me.

    When Jesus talks about plucking out the eye or cutting off the hand, He is talking about a radical amputation. I would submit that the thought is "Get rid of what tempts you beyond your ability to resist." If you are a bar hopper and wind up drunk in the gutter, don't go there. Easier to not drink than to stop drinking. Amputate that. If Aluicious Frankenheimer has hairbrained ideas that always get you in trouble, don't hang out with him. And expect it to take God's own help to get that done right. At some point, your personal garden will have what you need to live a Godly life that is useful to His purpose. If you find yourself in a monastery or a hermit's cave, you may have gone too far.

    I don't condone or suggest amateur physical modifications like blinding or amputation are the way to go about it either. At some point, "Others may, you cannot" will come into play, too. I guess that's chapter two.

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    1. STxAR - Indeed, we can only control ourselves, not others. One thinks of the remnant in Samaria after the split of the two Kingdoms. What was it like, adhering to God but knowing you had no influence on the events and direction of your nation (which, eventually, ended badly).

      You are correct in that Jesus is (metaphorically) calling for the radical separation of anything that causes us to sin. And that is truly different for every one of us: my areas of weakness are not yours. The thing that we each all need to be aware of (and most of us, including myself, seldom are) is what those areas of weakness are - and be willing to deal with them definitively.

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  4. Thank you for this. You said it so perfectly, 'nuff said.

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    1. Thank you very much Becki, and thank you for stopping by.

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  5. God give you strength and clarity, TB.
    Be safe. God bless and Merry Christmas.

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    1. Thank you Linda. Perhaps this need for clarity is exactly what one week a month does for me by coming home.

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  6. Very thought-provoking post, TB. I've always called it "rationalizing" in my own life. Thank God for His loving grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

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  7. Kelly, rationalizing is not a wrong word for it either. I suppose my shock is simply from the depths I am deceive myself in doing it.

    Indeed, thank God.

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  8. robehr orinsky10:35 PM

    And yet once we admit to ourselves the fact we are a hypocrite , we are absolved .

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    1. Indeed Robehr - But as I am reminded (again), this is something I have to constantly be about, not just as a one time thing.

      Thanks for stopping by!

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