Friends, I have to be honest with you that I find myself in despair of life.
Not of life. No no, no need for concern there. Instead, I simply despair of a future that I can or will enjoy.
I feel, in a word, trapped. Trapped by expectations, trapped by the living situation that I have spent 25 plus years building, trapped by the sense that I have obligations to meet that feel as if they will require me to do what I am doing for another 20 years (and trust me, I probably only have another 30 or so).
The future, it seems - or at least this earthly future - holds no hope for me: I have seen a world of dwindling individual liberties, of collectivism, of government run amuck in its need to control every aspect of not only our outer lives, but our inner lives. And I fear that I will never get to do things I actually truly want to do - if not because of lack of opportunity now, because that such things will be questionable at best and forbidden at worst in a world where any independence is seen as selfishness or outright rebellion.
I keep trying to come up with hope in this situation. Oh, occasionally I come up with something that gets me fired up - a weekend where I feel like I am getting slightly ahead or organized or I get to do something I really enjoy - but inevitably it is crushed by the realization that no matter what, the Monday through (now) Saturday of "my real life" awaits in all of its bureaucratic, subdued earth tones, my-life-at-50+ glory.
I do not know that I am really asking for a solution - I am not sure that there is one that does not involve the sort of world destroying actions of quitting everything and disrupting the entire life of everyone around me. But I wonder: is this really the outcome of the modern world we live in? And if so, are lives of quiet despair all we can really hope to achieve?
Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Matt. 6:34
ReplyDeleteJeff
Yes, sir, I'm sitting right here beside you in the same boat. And I don't know either.
ReplyDeleteThe strongest, heaviest chains are the ones we put on ourselves TB. It’s odd: our situations are vastly different yet they have an odd rhyme.
ReplyDeleteIn my case, change and disruption were not a choice; they were forced on me by others, and a state religion that made the act of noticing the obvious a sin, and believing in absurdity a virtue. All I could do was shut up and get out of the way. I did a deplorable job of managing the expectations of those around me, if ya catch my drift.
It was hard, it hurt, it was horrible... and it changed me. I think I came out a better person, and I am rediscovering happiness. I suppose all I can say is ya can’t take care of others unless you take care of yourself. You may be in for a rough ride of your own. God bless.
No one can control you "inner life," TB, unless you allow it to happen. This is how Christians have been confounding those who would want to control them since Christ walked the Earth.
ReplyDeleteYeah; I understand the felling of "I'll never get to retire." I've been taxed and "cost of living'ed" to death. The money's gone, and so is the time. We are where were are though, by God's will. No one can choose their place in time; only what they do with it. One can ask nothing more of life than to be "just another brick in the wall..." of God's holy temple...
Thanks Jeff. It is a good reminder. Here is my counter point real world problem: I live in a world where everything is planned months (and in some cases) years in advance. I struggle with not realistically worrying when I am aware of all that is coming.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by!
Anonymous - Thank you and thanks for stopping by. Perhaps this issue is more common than I think it is.
ReplyDeleteGlen - it is true. And as the dwarves say, we cannot carry the weight of the dead.
ReplyDeleteI am not at a point where change is coming - but I suspect it has to at this point. The situation as it is being lived seems somewhat unworkable - at some point, something has to give.
I think I fool myself sometimes and believe that there is a rhythm to life, a constant thrum that lies just below the surface. Maybe there was a thousand years ago, when life moved slowly and much more locally. Now, events change things all around us with such rapidity that even is there is a rhythm internally, it is disrupted.
I suppose I must give up the expectations of those around me - I doubt I can do any better, but quite likely can do much worse.
It is funny Pete - Intellectually I understand this. Emotionally, not so much. I keep telling myself that if I would simply put myself more fully into living for The One, life would be easier - yet I struggle constantly with this.
ReplyDeleteI have always believed that we are are placed where we are by God for a particular reason. I say that with some grief, as I am well out of time and step with the current age and somehow feel that I would be better off were I to be some time else. Why I am here, I may never know this side of Heaven. This, I suppose, is where faith shines.
*hugs* ♥ God bless.
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda! I am certain that it will work itself out, one way or another.
ReplyDelete