It is Friday night and I am writing.
I know this is not a typical thing for me. But I find myself deeply troubled this evening. An event happened at work which has left me feeling....odd: a coworker left.
Not a planned leaving anyone was aware of. Not a leaving I directly expected. Not a leaving that was mentioned 30 minutes before they left.
An e-mail. And then they were gone.
It troubles me because in my heart of hearts it feels like I was on the wrong side of this equation: one of them. The Bosses. The Man. The Power. The People You Do Not Tell What Is Really Going On.
This bothers me. It bothers me deeply, actually. I hate being left out of the loop - especially when I like to think of myself of someone that is in touch with the pulse of what is going on from day to day: the pulse, the ebb and flow of the environment. Instead, I find myself on the outside looking in: confused, wondering what I could have done better or differently - maybe not avert the actual leaving but to at least be in a position to wish a cheery "Good Luck".
Have I bought into the system that much? Am I trying to "get ahead" in a system or in a way that leaves me isolated from what I was, or what I once hoped to be?
This person was not a silly person - they were intelligent, talented, very capable, fun humorous - exactly the sort of coworker one could hope for. It is always a matter of great concern when such a person leaves.
The second thing - a lesser issue to be sure - is simply the sense of yet another person going. I have seen so many people leave over the last 4 years - many good friends, good people, moving on to better things.
We will go in on Monday. Some sort of announcement will be made of course: the incident will be downplayed, someone else will be brought in, and life will go on. In some fashion the position will be filled - even if the hole in our little dysfunctional family will not.
But it will still leave me with a question as I get up and walk out of the room: what have I become, or what am I perceived as, that I seem to have crossed over a divide I never knew I traveled?