My friend Glen, in yesterday's post "Thinking On Taxes and Retirement", made the following comment:
"I don't even know if I am retired or unemployed. I finally severed my ties to the rat race but found that my identity was tied up in it with my job, my friends and coworkers and relationships...and it left a hole."
(Glen, for all of his outward curmudgeon presentation, is a man of deep thought. And initiator of more than one blog post.)
I cannot fully say I have experienced Glen's position at the moment, but I have to a certain extent - as a part of A Sort Of Hammerfall where my job descriptions and function changed, my work life changed.
And to Glen's point, I found out exactly how I was involved in it.
It is hard when your life consists of 30+ hours of meetings, where you are the one who is making "The Call" on things, where you are spending so much time at work that your work friends are your "friends", where your e-mail is inevitably chock full of e-mails the way a medieval princess' court was chock full of suitors - to find that your life has completely evaporated. Suddenly the meetings are gone, your opinion does not matter like it did, your work acquaintances that filled that friendship spot are now no longer available to take them time because they have new bosses to serve and items to meet, and that you have become one of those suitors, waiting almost endlessly in the courtyard for a response that you need.
It is hard. If you have never done it, it is damn hard. It is harder if it is not of your own choosing.
All the things that you think would go through your head go through your head: You are not longer relevant. You no longer have value. You are quite possibly without a peer or social group to talk to where one formerly existed. And suddenly, you have an 8 to 10 hour chasm to fill. All of this, of course, assumes you have no concerns about money, which is true of virtually no-one I know right now.
It is hard to get out of. For some, they never get out it.
But Glen (that genius) has found the way:
"I have to give myself meaning and purpose and find things to do. Learning another language was an awesome step in that direction (Editor's note: Yes Glen. Yes it was.). I spend a little more time in the bible, and will be experimenting with other areas of self improvement. It has taken me about a year to sort myself out and readjust my head to the new circumstances. Unlike Leigh...acceptance is something I struggle with. It will come."
Glen brilliantly encapsulates a Three Step Program (hereby dubbed "The Glen Way") to work through this:
1) Find meaning and purpose: Anyone that has had a job is fooling themselves to the extent that they feel that their job is their ultimate meaning. It is not. 20 years after you are gone - heck, for most of us 5 years after we are gone - no-one will remember you. Most likely your contributions will be of no impact at best, if not minimum impact.
Meaning exists beyond the career or job - as it should. But one needs to actively go find it. Find things. Try them. Fail at them. And try again.
2) Be patient: Any major life change takes time to adjust to. Be patient with yourself as you make it. Do not come down on yourself if you do not "find a job" in your current field, or even if you never find one again.
3) Give yourself time: "...acceptance is something I struggle with. It will come." It will come. But it does not come immediately (for 99.5% of us anyway). So live with the fact that that things are changing and will take a while to sort themselves out.
It may sound a bit like I am lecturing. Really, I am writing to myself - these are all things I need to remember and embrace. And I am grateful to Glen for giving me the reminder - because I too often tend to gloss such things over in my life. And think that I can rush through such thing.
(A shout out - again - to the idea of The Social Internet and the ability to have and share such thoughts and conversations. Thanks, Glen, for being vulnerable and honest).
High performers don't manage lost opportunity well, unless they step off it in stages. Like weaning off a medication. At least that's my take on it.
ReplyDeleteI used to define myself by my work, but now, I define the work by me. Meaning, that I do what I know is right, and bring my skills and sense of duty to it. No matter what it is. And that has really brought joy to it. For as long as the job lasts anyway.
Glen really hit it on the head. All those years we were programmed to do what we were told, how we were told to do it are hard to unlearn. Being sharp, we caught on quick and took it to heart. That's why Moses spent 40 years tending sheep in the desert. He had 40 years of Egyptian education to unlearn... so he'd be useful when God called. There should be way more to us than what we do to make lettuce, else we fade away quick when that part of life is done.
Finding your spot is important. And being flexible is key. And don't ever apologize for lecturing. Three points and a prayer has been a way of life for me... It's a familiar framework that imparts knowledge! What's not to like?
STxAR, you are right. High performers quitting cold turkey is like any other addiction: it does not go well.
DeleteI am struggling to define myself less by my job - but as you say, maybe in fact this is simply something I need to learn. Sadly, I am a pretty slow unlearner.
You are in good company. So was Moses. It helped me to realize that I define the work, not the other way round. Truly, God is the real Definer. He has defined me, made me who I am, and I bring that to everything I do. The only messy part is where I have "helped".
DeleteFair enough STxAR. The messy parts for me are when I "helped" as well.
DeleteAlmost nine years ago when I made Glen's step, I too fell into sort of a hole when nearly all of my friends were still back at work and would be for 20 more years. On top of that, we had a new baby to look after so I just couldn't do as I pleased to fill the void.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I did was started volunteering, especially in the evenings when my wife was home to look after the little one. I joined several organizations. At first, it was sort of weird and I was a bit of an outcast being a middle aged man in a room full of retired people. With time however, they were able to overlook that and I consider many to be good friends even if we are two decades apart in age. With time, I have met others who are younger and with either more flexible jobs or like me, more financially independent and rarely do I make contact with my old work colleagues.
These days, my kids are older and more self sufficient which allows me to pursue things that interest me. My problem now has become that I have too many obligations and I am having to turn people down. Now I am looked upon differently. People wonder why I can't do things when I don't work all day like them and when I tell them my life if full of other pursuits, they can't understand... well unless they are retired.
When asked, I always tell people it was the best decision I ever made BUT and I emphasize the 'but', there are also drawbacks that might mean it isn't for everybody.
Ed, volunteering and joining organizations is a great way to get out and meet people (and learn new things, of course). I do think one issue with work friends I have - even if we have not worked at the same company for years - is that we tend to focus our conversations on what happened in the past at work or people that we worked with and less on our lives now.
DeleteYour problem is not surprising to me, I suppose, because I can understand how people would view being retired as being "available". It is not (hopefully) that it is not filled with anything, just with other things.
The key takeaway (I think) is that it is important to either have plans going in or get involved once you are retired. Otherwise the hours will hang heavily.
I have a thousand hobbies and a thousand more I would like to try sometime. I've never had an issue with killing time. However, my wife is the complete opposite. Weekends nearly drive her mad trying to figure out something to do.
DeleteEd, somewhat similar to myself and The Ravishing Mrs. TB. I have more than enough to do and could spend an afternoon just reading. She does not have quite the span of interests I do and thus, becomes more easily frustrated - or goes somewhere (she does like to travel).
DeleteI experienced this when I retired from the Coast Guard. For 21 years the CG was my identity. I wore the uniform 5-6 days a week, depending on whether or not I had "the duty." Most everyone I knew was military. I could say "meet me on base at 1900," and just about everyone would know what I was saying. Then I retired. I was no longer "Chief." I was just "Pete." "Chief" was no longer what I was, but what I USED to be. I was told that this change was so traumatic, the average lifespan of a retired Chief (E-7) was 5 years.
ReplyDeleteYes, "retirement" is a big change, but that's all it is; "change." Think of the most successful actors. They don't try to stay "forever young." They move on and take roles more in line with their ages. Many of these are still happily working until they die. We must do the same. ...God has purpose for us as long as we live and breathe...
Pete - I have heard these kind of statistics for lots of high performers - CEOs, General Staff Officers. The change in pace, not being in the know, and the seeming lack of challenges (at least as they understand them) leaves an emptiness many do not survive.
DeleteIt is all change - but also (as you are hinting at) adaptability. Some actors do move on and continue to make roles for themselves. Some do not, being trapped in the past they cannot get back to.
Yes, God has purpose for us. We just need to be sure we are paying attention to what it is, not what we think it should be.
comment on #1..a family member worked for NASA many moons ago. She had a boss who was very well thought of by all employees. The boss had worked at the place many years and made significant contributions to the program. The boss had no family as they put all their time and energy into the job. Then the boss suddenly died one day.
ReplyDeleteThe family member said not 3 months later was there was no sign that person had ever worked there and no ever mentioned the bosses name again as long as she worked there.
It was very eye opening moment for this family member.
There's an old proverb that says; "The next time you think you're irreplaceable, stick your finger in a glass of water, pull it out, and notice the hole you left behind..."
DeleteAnonymous - This has happened so many times in my career that I have lost count. Businesses are only focused on the here and now; people that are gone - who may have built how we came to "here" - are simply memories that grow fainter and fainter to fewer and fewer every year.
DeleteI hope your family member was able to gain perspective on the nature of work and life.
I am right where I am supposed to be, TB. My Maker put me here to figure it out... and your help is sincerely appreciated.
ReplyDeleteYou are more than welcome Glen. Thank you for be willing to be honest about your struggles. It makes a learning experience for all of us.
Delete..had some Issues with this myself going from Director in private industry to government work. Nobody seemed to jump at my suggestions like they used to! I got over my ego and things worked out great! I hated my thought process and with leadership comes the '..I am a boss my thoughts matter more.' mentality..I hated it then..the last straw was when I purposefully told bad jokes and people laughed it up. I did not want work to define me and switched jobs. Having sunshine blown up your ass is no way to form or build self image. Sounds odd maybe!
ReplyDeleteIt is not, EGB. Certainly I do not miss (at all) having to manage people or being subject to office politics and the positioning of others. If I can help it, I will never manage another person again. I just play a support role now, and am very happy with it.
Delete