God has a funny way of getting my attention sometimes.
Why, not even two days ago I was working on my goals for next year. I was feeling confident. I was feeling in charge. I had the year mapped out with confidence and aplomb.
And then, yesterday, found out that I had dropped the wrong ball. I kept a number of them up in the air, but not one that I needed to. Just like that, I came crashing back down to reality.
The rather unhappy truth is that - for right now - every other plan hinges rather tremendously on my bringing in an income. Any plans I might have - no matter how glorious or high minded or exciting or even fun - pretty much fall apart instantly the moment that my income is not what it is now. Yes, I am trying to work on the situation but yes, nothing I am looking at is even close to what I would need to keep everything going at the moment.
So I went back to my goals tonight, and "deferred" (really axed) a bunch of them. My career, at least the one I do right now, figures rather highly in activities for the coming year.
It is hard. It is as if God is pushing my focus back to the here and now, to the reality I am and the things right in front of my nose. It makes me scared, because I cannot afford to mess this up. And then it makes me angry, because I feel as if this is all that there is and I am being asked abandon all hope of life being other that what it has been (more or less) for the last 20+ years.
In other words, I guess I am being asked to trust and have faith. In a future that seems as unattainable and far away as Alpha Centauri.