Not Having Control

I hate not having control.

The issue has raised its ugly head again over the last month, when I have been (somewhat patiently) waiting for responses from recruiters - the sort of thing that initially starts out as "This is a critical hire for the company and they want to move quickly" to "They are still discussing it" to radio silence.  The problem, of course, is that one has no control over the speed of the decision making.  I cannot make people decide more quickly - or even decide at all.  One is left twisting in the wind, waiting for the notification that may never come.

As I thought about a bit more, I realized that this is actually true of large parts of my life.  No matter how much I like to pretend, the actual matters I control in my life seem very small indeed:  when I get up.  When I go to bed.  Occasionally, what I do.  Other than that, little seem seems in my control.

Which makes me powerless. And the plaything or game piece of others in their own plans.  Which certainly does not help me much along my own goal of moving forward.

So how do I start to reclaim power over my own life?

It (I think obviously) cannot be quickly accomplished - we have tried this before with not so good results.  But there have to be parts or elements that are within my control which I am not conscious of immediately.  These I need to build up on, even if it is as seemingly simple as acknowledging that I control what I eat every day (which I do) or that I can exercise in some form or fashion (which I can).

Small things, to be sure.  But like with making cheese or getting quail, small things quite easily lead to big things if only we are patiently and continue to move forward.  It is a continuum and journey, not only a destination.

But control is dependence.  And this is something that I am seeking to get away from, not move towards.