Secret Longings

The discovery of one's secret longings is a disturbing thing.

Not the secret longings that we think we have, of course - the things that we convince ourselves of in our mind that are the things that we want.  No, it is the true secret longings - the things that we are acting as if they were actually important, the things that we consciously or subconsciously are trying to move our lives towards.

Do they always have to be considered disturbing?  I suppose that is a fair question - after all, what happens if one is moving their life a way that is improving themselves?  Is it disturbing to find out that one is trying to better one's self in a way that is good?  Perhaps - although I think that even in this case, the idea that our conscious mind is doing one thing and our unconscious mind is off doing something else would be a bit concerning: it destroys the myth that we are in charge of our thinking as much as we like to thing.

But what do you do about the other ones - the ones that you sudden realize are there, the ones that you suddenly realize are maybe not as healthy for you - and the one's that perhaps part of you is trying to move your life towards?  It is disturbing because it is as if you have been living an illusion within yourself, thinking you were advancing in one direction - but going in another.

And what do you do when you find them out?  Often they have been there so long and have becoming so ingrained into the fabric of your life that they are more like a dye than something applied to the surface that can be easily removed.

The issue is that once discovered, I think these things have to be dealt with one way or the other - because once the secret is no longer a secret to us, it is as if we are trying to live two identical lives within our singular life.  That will not work - it creates a dissonance where we are trying to do one thing and trying to do another thing, sometimes at odds to one another.  We spend a great deal of time fighting within ourselves, almost as if we were trying to serve two masters, both of whom demand that we address their needs first.

I wish I had a better conclusion to this issue, but I do not.  Writing this has been one of the hardest focus events I have had to do in a while - because this discovery to me is so new and I am not sure how to handle it.  I know this though:  once discovered, it must be addressed. A secret that is revealed is a secret no longer.