Last night I despaired.
It was the whole day in coming. It built on a work day where I was reminded how far I have not come in my career, at one point fighting with a binder that I needed to three hole punch papers in. It was compounded when I got home and had dinner and then ate a little more than I should of. It was added to by the fact that I have been running low on sleep almost since we returned from vacation.
I simply got to the end of dinner and did not have the energy or will to do anything. Not the studying I had planned to do or the iaijutsu that I needed to do or the workout I wanted to do. Nothing. I just sat there missing energy and waiting.
Waiting for what? Something other than despair about everything at that moment: feeling bad, feeling tire, no energy, nothing. So in a fit of frustration, I wrote.
I have not written (as in writing for a book) since April and finishing my last texts. Why? I am not sure. I certainly have something I could write about, but with my typical concern about the perfection of the work (I know it can be good) I have put off doing anything about it because (in my mind) no action is better than bad action. And nothing else has really gotten my creative juices flowing.
So I wrote. It was not anything spectacular - unsurprisingly it was about a person facing despair (creative, no?). But in the simple act of writing I found a certain relief to my condition. The mere act of writing and creating gave me a sense of doing something, of taking action - something beyond the fact of what I was facing as I sat there with no energy.
I am trying to do others things better too - get more rest, eat a little better - but it appears I need to write more. Writing is one activity that, even if I am reluctant to start it and do it badly, makes me feel better as I am doing it. The creative process seems to tap something beneath my level of despair or depression or unhappiness or whatever it is I am struggling with at the moment and brings the associated sense of creation to the surface.
Today whispers to me that it has the possibility of being like yesterday - but this evening if I am faced with the situation again, I will fight back.
I will write.