Thursday, August 30, 2012

Giving In?

I wonder if at some point, there simply an acceptance of things about one's life, a sort of resignation that this is the way things are going to be for much longer than one had anticipated.

I say I wonder. I think I actually know the answer at this point - and it's not one I'm fully happy with.

I say happy rather than uncomfortable or upset.  Those don't seem to really be options at this point.  One can have emotions about things, of course; it's just that emotions in and of themselves don't really seem to resolve anything.

Action, someone says?  True, actions can solve things - but undertaking actions in the midst trying to live with all the consequences based on choices one has leads to either one of two choices:  a sense of complete exhaustion or a neglect of some important thing for something else.

It comes down to values, I suppose:  what do we value most?

It's odd, in that this sense of being held in place sneaks up on one.  In times past, decisions were not nearly this difficult to implement:  one simply decided and acted.  But with the addition of others in one's life, one's ability to choose becomes curtailed.  It's not just myself I'm deciding for, it's everyone who is influenced by my decision.  Suddenly, decisions which were easy at one time (such as "Yes, I'll take that job" or "Yes, let's move") become far more difficult ("That job would be impossible because of the money" or "Everyone else wants to stay here because we like it").

And then question of values comes up:  what do you value more, yourself and your development and pleasure or the group as a whole?

The thing that is slowly surprising me is how little this seems to be bothering me.  Is it acceptance?  Is it resignation?  Is it maturity (seems unlikely in my case, but a possibility)?  There is just a real sense that some of the things I wanted - or want - may simply never come to pass, because of circumstances. 

Is that a failure of my will?  Is it a failure of my drive?  Or it simply beginning to accept that if one is a mature adult, there are really circumstances which rate higher than ourselves?

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