Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I Don't Care!

I tried yesterday. I really made an effort.

I went into work yesterday with the attitude that I was going to make it work, that I was going to be diligent and productive during the day. It worked in a way - even in the midst of trying to get my computer going, even in the midst of making a list of everything to be accomplished (6 pages worth), even in the midst of asking questions I'm pretty sure won't be popular.

But then the afternoon came, with the meeting - the meeting that went 2.25 hours instead of 1, the meeting that kept me there after 5:00 PM, guaranteeing I would not be home before 6:00 PM.

I left work completely drained and exhausted? Why? Because I realized, about 45 minutes in, that I really just didn't care about the meeting and what was being discussed - not that it wasn't corporately important, not that it didn't potentially matter, but I simply didn't care about it and I couldn't generate the interest to do so. However, the meeting droned on for another 1.25 hours (and of course I couldn't step out), leaving me to be there becoming slowly more frustrated and more exhausted.

It drained me to the point that when I arrived home in the evening, I had nothing. My energy levels were so low I barely made it through the list of things I had - things that in theory are fun and enjoyable, not something I should want to suffer through. Dinner brought me enough energy to try and pretend I had a family life, before I eventually crashed into bed (and, to add insult to injury, I couldn't fall asleep right away!).

Even more than what I do, this may be the crux of the problem: that on a very deep level, I need to care about the work I do - and currently I simply don't.

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