Burying The Dead

I need to bury the dead.

I realized it yesterday when I was having a conversation with some fellow coworkers about my former boss, who was caught in Hammer Fall II.  As we got to talking, we moved from the foibles that all boss (including myself) seem to have to a certain level of bitterness which was evident to the point that one of coworkers made the comment "I detect a note of satisfaction in your speech."  I thought for a moment and said that after getting the bus run over head enough times and being undercut it was difficult not to be too upset.

And then I realized I had to let him go.

I have conflicted feelings about him.  He was not a bad person, especially outside of work.  Certainly he only wanted to do what was right and best for the company.  And yet of all the managers I have had, his was the most fractious and least productive relationship I have had.  Of all my managers, his is the only example I can think of for what not to be like.  And even though I should not, I still let the bitterness from various incidents and comments in my review live in my brain:  Advancement may have been delayed, perhaps now  made unattainable, because of the fact that (at least from his perspective) he based as much of his response to me on the fact that I did not humbly acquiesce to his will without question.  I may never be able to resolve all of the issues that his decisions or lack of will have left behind.

But I need to let go.  For better or worse, he is gone never to return while I carry my anger and bitterness and rage with me as if he were still present and I had another staff meeting coming up.  Really I should be working on forgiveness - right now I would just settle for a tamping down of the virulence in my soul.

Why?  Because now I have tied myself to him - or rather, to his memory.  It is as if took the corpse to a grave and laid it there, buried it, and then continued to walk around as if I still had it on my back.  Once the dead are buried, it makes no sense to continue to act as if they are still alive, nor to carry their weight.  The stream of time has moved on; it is only I that continue to keep myself in that place.

"De mortuis nihil non est nisi bonum" - Speak nothing but good of the dead, said the Romans.

Or perhaps, better not to speak of some dead at all.