Sparring

I am not very good at confrontation.

I'm not sure why this is.  It's not as if I have problems dealing with people - certainly I make it a point to try to build good relationships with others.  But when it comes to confrontation, to confronting the very hard issues, I always seem to find myself unable to effectively do it.

Why?  Is it because I feel that disagreement is like anger and not helpful?  Is it because I empathize too much with being on the disagreed side?  Is it because I have ingrained into myself that I should always be humble, and humble means letting others have the upper hand?  Not sure - I only know that I'm not good at it.

It happened again yesterday with a colleague.  The conversation went something like this: 

"I see we've dropped out X." (colleague)

"Yes, yes we have." (Me)

"Why?  It was useful."

"Because it's going to be duplicated and I don't really have the resources to put one in each thing.  We're the one's that will have to do it."

"We'll see."

And so I sit in my office, feeling slightly defensive and upset about actually saying "No" to someone.

But as I sat and thought about it, I realized I had the same problem with sparring.

Sparring, in Iaido, is not the typical full scale armored sparring of Kendo (although we do some of that as well).  Instead, it's practicing cuts and blocks with a partner.  What I have noticed over the last three years of doing this is I'm not the best sparring partner.  Why? Because I tend to be more concerned about hurting the other person unintentionally than I am about making sure I get the cut or block correct.

It's easier, of course, if I am with someone whom I know their ability - but for someone who is unknown, I tend to compensate on one side rather than the other.  More important not to hurt than to get the cut right.

Then I realized they're no different.

Concern about the other party has to be paramount of course - in life as in Iaido (and isn't all life Iaido?), wantonly waving a sword around is as harmful as flinging words like grenades.  But neither should one overpower the other:  being kind to a killer will get you killed, just as being less than fair to yourself means that you will constantly let others determine the course of your day - and your life.

Will it mean that I suddenly become more powerful and less avoiding of confrontation?  No more than it means I'll start smack people on the heads if their nigashi blocks are not effective.  But at least I'm now aware.

And awareness is the first step to addressing the problem.