Fighting with ineffectiveness this week.
Frankly, I feel ineffective. Every week I convince myself by the end that the next week will be better, that I just have to dig deeper and try harder. And every week I find that have either lied to myself or events are not what they seem.
In order to be effective, one has to be able to point to something that one has changed for the better, something that one has done that has had an impact. The question is, what does one do when the impacts one seem to fall through the pavement as the cracks get wider?
I keep trying to find bedrock, the bottom, something that will not collapse under my weight as I rest it. But everywhere I seem to put it, I hear the sound of cracking ice starting to break.
So then I have to ask: if it's ineffectiveness I feel, is it because of me - or because I simply can't be effective at all in this situation?
The two are different of course. In one, it's not the situation that is the issue but it is myself. In the other, it is not I that have failed but rather the situation.
How am I going to resolve this? I honestly have no idea. There is no easy out here. At best, things keep going and I receive the inevitable blame for anything that happens; at worst....well, at worst I find myself in a situation I've been in before.
When everything seems broken, how do you find the one thing you can fix? And even if you find it, does fixing it make the difference you think it should?
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