Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Despondent

I am suffering from despondency this week.

Despondency (n): The state of being despondent; dejection; hopelessness.

That was useful. What is despondent?

Despondent (n): Feeling or showing extreme discouragement, dejection, or depression; a deep dejection arising from a conviction of the uselessness of further effort.
(www.merriam-webster.com)

Yeah, that covers it pretty well.

It's not really depression, or a lest it doesn't feel like it. It's not really discouragement - although I am feeling discouraged. The last sentence captures it best: a deep dejection (lowering of spirits) arising from a conviction (a strong persuasion or belief) of the uselessness of further effort.

The uselessness of further effort? I feel completely disempowered (is that even a word?) in my life, that whether I put in a great deal of effort or a little effort, I get approximately the same result. If I try and raise the bar, there's nothing to hang that bar on and it often seems that the other side of the bar is merely a cliff over which I go hurling straight down.

I desire clarity: this is not depression. I have known depression - know depression - as well as anyone. This is much more of a general sense of pointlessness of effort in almost all aspects of my life; a sense of futility in that a course has now been set up in my life which I have little control of and cannot impact.

The vicious thing about it seems to be that it is that I'm not sure how to resolve this as I would a depression. A depression I understand: eventually I will pull out of it, and often have small things or incidents or people that will assist me. Depression can often be about one thing in my life; despondency seems to be covering the entire lay of the land. An improvement somewhere does not equate into an improvement overall, as there is that sense that in toto the general outcome is ineffectiveness and the impotence of any further effort.

Depression I can manage. How can I manage this?

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