A couple of weekends now passed, The Ravishing Mrs. TB and I got to talking about a passage in the book The World Beyond Your Head by Matthew B. Crawford. In the section I read out loud, the author was discussing the intricacies of motorcycle racing and comparing elements of this to Immanuel Kant's philosophy. I commented to her I wish I was smarter about such things; I can barely apprehend Plato, let alone any of the later philosophers. It was partially time and focus of course, which I pointed out. But I do feel somewhat non-intelligent at times.
Which brought up the actual story.
Somewhat on a lark based on a discussion, I had done a bit of research on Autism.
There has always been, in my adult mind, a question of whether or not I have some level of autism (or apparently "neurodivergence", as it is now called). One is from the fact that as a small child, I did not speak for the first two years of my life to the point that it concerned my family (the doctor at the time simply asked if I was able to communicate my needs; when that was affirmed, he said he was not worried and when I was ready to talk, I would). The other is simply the fact that I have what I would call "quirks" of my nature: repetitive behaviors, hyperfocus, etc. But it was not something that I had ever particularly pursued; life was life and one has to get through it.
This time, on a lark, I went out and found a list of behaviors which potentially indicate autism (the list I used is here; there are a great many out there as any search will show.
The results, as I read the list, were in my mind definitive.
As a child: Delayed speech, avoiding eye contact, trouble making friends, obsessive over hobbies or interests, toe walking (This is a big one; I went to a doctor once a year for years to overcome this), repetitive physical behaviors, trouble with fine motor skills, inability to sense danger or ulterior motives? Check.
As an adult: inability to maintain eye contact, anxiety in social situations, inability to assess social cues, easily overloaded by sensory input, trouble making decisions (have we seen this before?), adherence to strict routines, hyperfocus, impatience with small changes to routines, would prefer to listen rather than speak, awkward in social situations, may have perfectionism, prefers to work at home, may be perceived as overly concerned about one's self? Also check.
It is not a diagnosis of course, but I check 50% of each of the lists.
The fact this was not a surprise to The Ravishing Mrs. TB and it had been a topic of family discussion should not have shocked me at all.
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Autism (I have used the word, but not necessarily the definition) is "a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by differences or difficulties in social communication and interaction, a preference for predictability and routine, sensory processing differences, and repetitive behaviors..." (source). Like lots of other things, it has/is being re-defined, with some previously separate conditions such as Asperberger's Syndrome now being included in the general spectrum. Interestingly, males are three times as likely as females to have such a condition. Per the US CDC, approximately 1% of the world population falls on the spectrum, or about 75,000.000.
"High Functioning Autism" is simply "...people that have developed a series of coping mechanism and compensatory strategies over time that help "mask" the signs of autism, which can make it more difficult to determine autism severity. These individuals, especially if they were not diagnosed as children, may not realize they have autism and see their ASD behaviors and coping mechanisms in daily life as normal."
There is no cure.
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Admittedly of course, this is a self-diagnosis, and just as a lawyer is a fool for having himself as a client, I suspect self-diagnosis runs the same risks. One could, I suppose, get a formal diagnosis - but at this point in my life what would the point be? I certainly have no intention of medicating at this point, and even if this is a partially true diagnosis, the fact remains that to a greater or lesser extent, I can function reasonably well on a day to day basis.
The real value to me is historical perspective.
Looking back at my life, this potential outcome gives me some context for certain portions of my past - how I have acted (and continue to act) in some cases, how I might seek to mitigate certain aspects of my behavior in the future - a simple one for example is simply understanding that multiple inputs are very overwhelming to me and to the extent that I can minimize them (analog versus digital, for example) the more likely I am to be able to focus.
It also raises some interesting materials for thought - like, for example, knowing that I have problem with eye contact (I have all my life), why is it even now that eye contact with some is easier than others? (Interesting footnote: It is much easier for me with women than men; is this indicative of the fact I have so many more good female friends than male friends?).
If a "diagnosis", it is more for self improvement at this point than treatment.
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One of my blogging heroes is a FOTB (Friend Of This Blog) STxAR. One reason is that he is a mechanical genius and can discuss things with machining that I only can consider magic (he is that good). The other is that he has been challenged late in life, due to circumstances beyond his control, with a medical condition that has impacted his mental life.
Never once have I read of him lamenting this development. It is a thing that he has to deal with, and he has been open in his dealings with it. It directly and indirectly changed his life; rather than lament over what has changed or what cannot be gotten back to, he works with what he has been gifted with and carries on.
And that, if I have to remind myself of anything, is the important point here: even if this theoretical diagnosis is 100% spot on, it is simply something to account for, work on where needed, and continue to move forward. After all, people deal with much more grave issues than social awkwardness, hyperfocus, and closing their eyes when dealing with people.
Sometimes that mirror can be disconcerting.....other times the result can be "Huh? Who knew?" At this point in your life's journey you've adapted well to......ah....."it" TB, you have my promise I won't look you in the eye, perhaps the right nostril instead.......:) You do generate some interesting posts sir.
ReplyDeleteNylon12 - That was the experience exactly, that kind of "Huh" moment.
DeleteI think the interesting thing to my mind is that for my generation and previous ones, that is likely we what did: we adapted. Maybe not well all the time, but adapted. It was the generation after mine that such things as ADHD became all the rage.
That said, I am grateful that I did not come later. I am not a fan of drugs in general, and that too often seems to be the first line of solution for such things.
Glad I can still surprise with my posts. Hopefully it keeps the material fresh.
I lurk more than comment nowadays, and I almost always think long and deeply before commenting.
ReplyDeleteThis one was easy. That shoe fits all too well.
Most of my life I was a mechanic for large, complicated, and dangerous machinery.
Hyperfocus and attention to detail often means the difference between life and death.
But when I was laid off I had to switch careers and ended up working as an Immigration Inspector for INS.
That job demanded that I speak to arriving visitors and returning Americans, conduct a short but prying interview and deal with the answers.
It was probably the exact opposite of what my basic personality should have been doing.
Looking back I may have simply decided to act as if I could easily talk to total strangers and easily deal with people and in a remarkably short time I was doing great. Or I splintered my mind into several persons and much like a multi-tool, I just chose who I want to be in any given circumstance.
Take care of yourself.
Your cannot help others unless you put the oxygen mask on first.
Hi John!
DeleteIt is interesting that you note a misfit in careers. This is something that is probably true for me as well, although like you I needed a job at the time and this career field was open. In terms of what I actually like to do - read, write, think, all mostly in solitary - it knows none of that. I do some of those things, but there is a great deal of involvement with others almost my entire work day. Like you, I learned to adapt because I had to, although as I tell people (or warn them, I suppose) my base personality is quite different away from work; I essentially spend my evenings and weekends recovering and recharging my batteries. "Multi-tool" is a very good description.
That said, you are precisely correct. Hopefully this realization will assist in working to manage the mis-fit accordingly.
TB, I am not at all surprised. Let's just say it takes one to know one. One of the reasons I'm not blogging at my regular blogs much anymore is that I have begun a separate journal of self-discovery. But because of that and what I'm learning, my life is finally starting to make sense.
ReplyDeleteSelf-diagnosis is considered perfectly valid by most of the autistic community, for multiple reasons. Some being that the current DSM-5 test is now somewhat outdated; it's expensive and requires a referral; and there's a long waiting list. A good website for online screening tests is https://embrace-autism.com/autism-tests/. They aren't diagnostic, but they give a pretty good idea of where one stands.
There is no cure, but it isn't a disease. It's a natural variation of human neuro-biology. Autistic brains feature different neuro-connections than "typical" brains. The hardest part is that it makes social interactions challenging. Given a choice, however, would you really want to be Not You?
Leigh - Selfishly I am sad at the pause in blogging of course, but personally pleased that you have realized that you need this separate sort of writing for deep self work (I have been working more on this as well in my morning journaling; it reads quite differently than what I write here).
DeleteLike you, I think that I will find that portions of my life will make a certain degree of more sense viewed through this lens - not that this changes anything of course, but it can give context and hopefully a framework going forward.
Just went to the website - Wow, they have a great many assessment tools!
Sort of like John's statement above, I think I have come to separate out my social interactions into the different parts of my life. In a way, it becomes a bit like being an actor or a participant in a role playing game, both of which I did once upon a time: one embraces the role and character, knowing that this is not completely or really who one is. One could argue it is not bringing one's "authentic self" to work (one hears this phrase a great deal now). My counterargument would probably be my authentic self is somewhat different than what is needed there.
It is interesting and helpful - but no, I would not trade myself for a sanitized version of what I might have been. Those challenges have created the "me" that is - and overall, I am happy with the product.
Daughter works and has a master in the field your talking about. I dislike seams, putting on socks I always turn them inside out, food textures, people, etc. While watching me she said 'you are aware your are high functioning autistic'. Lights flashed, bells ringing. It all made sense once I started reading the various symptoms in the list. It's always nice to know your not alone. Found a profession that I loved and a lot of it kept me at home all alone out in the country. I quit trying to fit into the "people" mode.
ReplyDeleteAnon - Yes, that was exactly the feeling. That sudden sense of "Oh, that is it".
DeleteFor me at this point, I fear the profession is baked in, at least until retirement. I perhaps can look to adjust within the field a bit, but there will always be some level of "people" involved.
Not meant to belittle those with autism, but I think we all are autistic at some level or point on the spectrum. It is just that most of us are probably considered "highly functioning". For examples, I would guess that most of us have rituals that we do the same way every time from putting on shoes, pants (which leg first), to the order we clean ourselves in the shower. We all can probably hyper focus on certain things and not others. I know that I tend to lose track of time easily when I'm hiking a deserted but scenic trail or woodworking. I have always thought it was just a side effect of having a highly complex brain compared to other mammals in our kingdom. It is impossible to wire it the same way every single time.
ReplyDeleteEd - I think you are right in that we all have preferences (thinking about it, I am probably always a "right foot first" sort of fellow). And like you, I think that there are things which can all lose ourselves in (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi popularized this as the idea of "Flow"). The difference, at least as I would explain it, is that some people can put their pants on either way without issue or may not socialize well but can do it. For the variety of the Austism spectrum, in some cases that is something that simply cannot be done; individuals will break down rather than do it.
DeleteTo your point though, the brain is highly complex and we are still learning about it. It is possible that manifestations of autism have benefits which, given our post-industrial highly controlled society, are not clear to us.
Ed's comment reminds me of when my oldest was in college. I think he had learned about autism (specifically Asperger's) in Psychology class and he made a point to ask me what I knew about it. I'll skip ahead by saying the conversation ended with him stating that he was pretty sure our whole family was on the spectrum. Then he added (I think to maybe appease me because I was surprised to be included in that comment), "Everyone's on the spectrum!"
ReplyDeleteAn added thought to your interesting post is while I think RFK means well (I have no reason to not think so), and wouldn't we all like to understand autism better?, I suspect his idea of creating an autism database will send some into hiding. And I think we will grow less understanding in time. It certainly makes me glad I never sought out a diagnosis for anyone in the family - including myself.
And oh my goodness... What Leigh said. So well!
DeleteBecki, there is a careful balance between finding a new piece of information that seems relevant and the relevance of that information. I am carefully trying to manage any potential over-reaction or self diagnosis which results in significant changes in behavior. It is a data point, nothing more.
DeleteIt is interesting - I am willing to bet we have databases (or at least collections of data) on other medical conditions, in part to help learn about the condition and deal with it. Autism is one of those that does push a lot into the personal lives of people, so there is good reason to at least be chary about it.
Like you, I am pretty glad that no "official" diagnosis exists outside of my basic research.