A couple of weekends now passed, The Ravishing Mrs. TB and I got to talking about a passage in the book The World Beyond Your Head by Matthew B. Crawford. In the section I read out loud, the author was discussing the intricacies of motorcycle racing and comparing elements of this to Immanuel Kant's philosophy. I commented to her I wish I was smarter about such things; I can barely apprehend Plato, let alone any of the later philosophers. It was partially time and focus of course, which I pointed out. But I do feel somewhat non-intelligent at times.
Which brought up the actual story.
Somewhat on a lark based on a discussion, I had done a bit of research on Autism.
There has always been, in my adult mind, a question of whether or not I have some level of autism (or apparently "neurodivergence", as it is now called). One is from the fact that as a small child, I did not speak for the first two years of my life to the point that it concerned my family (the doctor at the time simply asked if I was able to communicate my needs; when that was affirmed, he said he was not worried and when I was ready to talk, I would). The other is simply the fact that I have what I would call "quirks" of my nature: repetitive behaviors, hyperfocus, etc. But it was not something that I had ever particularly pursued; life was life and one has to get through it.
This time, on a lark, I went out and found a list of behaviors which potentially indicate autism (the list I used is here; there are a great many out there as any search will show.
The results, as I read the list, were in my mind definitive.
As a child: Delayed speech, avoiding eye contact, trouble making friends, obsessive over hobbies or interests, toe walking (This is a big one; I went to a doctor once a year for years to overcome this), repetitive physical behaviors, trouble with fine motor skills, inability to sense danger or ulterior motives? Check.
As an adult: inability to maintain eye contact, anxiety in social situations, inability to assess social cues, easily overloaded by sensory input, trouble making decisions (have we seen this before?), adherence to strict routines, hyperfocus, impatience with small changes to routines, would prefer to listen rather than speak, awkward in social situations, may have perfectionism, prefers to work at home, may be perceived as overly concerned about one's self? Also check.
It is not a diagnosis of course, but I check 50% of each of the lists.
The fact this was not a surprise to The Ravishing Mrs. TB and it had been a topic of family discussion should not have shocked me at all.
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Autism (I have used the word, but not necessarily the definition) is "a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by differences or difficulties in social communication and interaction, a preference for predictability and routine, sensory processing differences, and repetitive behaviors..." (source). Like lots of other things, it has/is being re-defined, with some previously separate conditions such as Asperberger's Syndrome now being included in the general spectrum. Interestingly, males are three times as likely as females to have such a condition. Per the US CDC, approximately 1% of the world population falls on the spectrum, or about 75,000.000.
"High Functioning Autism" is simply "...people that have developed a series of coping mechanism and compensatory strategies over time that help "mask" the signs of autism, which can make it more difficult to determine autism severity. These individuals, especially if they were not diagnosed as children, may not realize they have autism and see their ASD behaviors and coping mechanisms in daily life as normal."
There is no cure.
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Admittedly of course, this is a self-diagnosis, and just as a lawyer is a fool for having himself as a client, I suspect self-diagnosis runs the same risks. One could, I suppose, get a formal diagnosis - but at this point in my life what would the point be? I certainly have no intention of medicating at this point, and even if this is a partially true diagnosis, the fact remains that to a greater or lesser extent, I can function reasonably well on a day to day basis.
The real value to me is historical perspective.
Looking back at my life, this potential outcome gives me some context for certain portions of my past - how I have acted (and continue to act) in some cases, how I might seek to mitigate certain aspects of my behavior in the future - a simple one for example is simply understanding that multiple inputs are very overwhelming to me and to the extent that I can minimize them (analog versus digital, for example) the more likely I am to be able to focus.
It also raises some interesting materials for thought - like, for example, knowing that I have problem with eye contact (I have all my life), why is it even now that eye contact with some is easier than others? (Interesting footnote: It is much easier for me with women than men; is this indicative of the fact I have so many more good female friends than male friends?).
If a "diagnosis", it is more for self improvement at this point than treatment.
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One of my blogging heroes is a FOTB (Friend Of This Blog) STxAR. One reason is that he is a mechanical genius and can discuss things with machining that I only can consider magic (he is that good). The other is that he has been challenged late in life, due to circumstances beyond his control, with a medical condition that has impacted his mental life.
Never once have I read of him lamenting this development. It is a thing that he has to deal with, and he has been open in his dealings with it. It directly and indirectly changed his life; rather than lament over what has changed or what cannot be gotten back to, he works with what he has been gifted with and carries on.
And that, if I have to remind myself of anything, is the important point here: even if this theoretical diagnosis is 100% spot on, it is simply something to account for, work on where needed, and continue to move forward. After all, people deal with much more grave issues than social awkwardness, hyperfocus, and closing their eyes when dealing with people.
Sometimes that mirror can be disconcerting.....other times the result can be "Huh? Who knew?" At this point in your life's journey you've adapted well to......ah....."it" TB, you have my promise I won't look you in the eye, perhaps the right nostril instead.......:) You do generate some interesting posts sir.
ReplyDeleteI lurk more than comment nowadays, and I almost always think long and deeply before commenting.
ReplyDeleteThis one was easy. That shoe fits all too well.
Most of my life I was a mechanic for large, complicated, and dangerous machinery.
Hyperfocus and attention to detail often means the difference between life and death.
But when I was laid off I had to switch careers and ended up working as an Immigration Inspector for INS.
That job demanded that I speak to arriving visitors and returning Americans, conduct a short but prying interview and deal with the answers.
It was probably the exact opposite of what my basic personality should have been doing.
Looking back I may have simply decided to act as if I could easily talk to total strangers and easily deal with people and in a remarkably short time I was doing great. Or I splintered my mind into several persons and much like a multi-tool, I just chose who I want to be in any given circumstance.
Take care of yourself.
Your cannot help others unless you put the oxygen mask on first.
TB, I am not at all surprised. Let's just say it takes one to know one. One of the reasons I'm not blogging at my regular blogs much anymore is that I have begun a separate journal of self-discovery. But because of that and what I'm learning, my life is finally starting to make sense.
ReplyDeleteSelf-diagnosis is considered perfectly valid by most of the autistic community, for multiple reasons. Some being that the current DSM-5 test is now somewhat outdated; it's expensive and requires a referral; and there's a long waiting list. A good website for online screening tests is https://embrace-autism.com/autism-tests/. They aren't diagnostic, but they give a pretty good idea of where one stands.
There is no cure, but it isn't a disease. It's a natural variation of human neuro-biology. Autistic brains feature different neuro-connections than "typical" brains. The hardest part is that it makes social interactions challenging. Given a choice, however, would you really want to be Not You?