Monday, August 09, 2021

Second Guessing One's Decisions

Today's post starts with a blog entry from somewhere else, Claire at Living Freedom.  The story, in short, is about a neighbor passing away and finding out that his house, simply put, was a disaster - after they had to break into his house to find the body.  The full title is "What good neighbors should (or shouldn't) do"; I commend it to your attention.

The question that Claire puts forward, in its simplest form (and far more elegantly than I ever could), is how involved should we be as neighbors?  What are limits to looking out for one another?  How much do we involve ourselves in the lives of others, and when do we push?  In this particular case, there were some serious ramifications (think a bad version of "Hoarders") but to the outside world no-one suspected that this was the case at all.

(She has pictures here.  It was bad.  Really bad.)

This is, rather sadly, a timely subject for me, given all that has gone on with my parents this year.  My sister and I have asked, more than once "Should we have acted sooner?"

Should I have noticed more that he was talking out loud to himself for periods of time and asked into that instead of just associating it with my own habit of thinking through things?  When my mom was exhibiting Sundowner's syndrome pretty significantly, should we have acted to move her somewhere earlier (yes, I know, it was the height of The Plague Panic, but still)?  Should we have pushed for in-house help (my father would have refused it, but still again)?  Should we have pushed harder in October to relocate them?

Would it have made a difference?

The candid answer, of course, is "I do not know".  Yes, undoubtedly my mother would have probably done better in some ways (we undoubtedly would have still had the four month "Merry-Go-Round of Memory Care Homes" experience again), but we would have had to push my father to move as well, and I do not think he would have been willing (We had to basically push the discussion for him to agree to moving at all in January, one of the conversations I hope never to have to have again with any living person.  I am not a confrontational person by nature, and confronting my parents with my sister went against every basic instinct I have).  And then he would have been at The Ranch alone - would that have precipitated what happened, have made the decline more apparent, or allowed him a space to recover?  Or would he simply have collapsed here with no-one around?

(I was the one that found my maternal grandfather when he had passed.  It is a story for another day, but finding the deceased - even the recently deceased - is another experience I would not wish to repeat.)

How much was my father masking his own symptoms?  When I was up here, were there things that I missed in their daily habits?  This is a common occurrence from what I understand, as habits and knowing where things are can gloss over real gaps.

Over the time I came up here between July and December of last year, their circle of going out and where they went got smaller and smaller.  Their drives (they drove almost every day over the last two years; it was one of the things my mother loved to do and my father liked driving) got shorter and shorter.  I got a hint of things in December, when my father basically turned the driving over to me.  

This is all retrospect of course:  the reality of his collapse and then his verified stroke a month later was beyond any sort of prediction that we could have made; how does one predict such things when there is no previous evidence of such?  Would moving him earlier merely have meant he would have been unhappier longer (We had hoped he would be able to get more involved socially at the first assisted living location, but that did not happen.  Likely the first time because his collapse was coming; likely the second because he had residual damage and was not himself)?  

Somehow all of these imponderables do not ameliorate what is a lingering sense of guilt that I should have done more.  I can tell myself I did all I could and endeavor to be more willing to act going forward, but somehow that does not move the needle of my feelings.

Of course, at this point this is a discussion only for my mind.  My mother will not remember and my father, even if he does, can no longer communicate effectively what his opinion might be.  I can neither find forgiveness nor condemnation, only the vast grey of Limbo's fields, where those things that can never be undone but only pondered reside.

17 comments:

  1. I have learned that you can divide people into two groups on this subject, those who tend to look back always second guessing decisions to the point of paralysis in decision making or those who never look back at all and always proceed on. On that scale of paralysis being zero, I'm probably a seven or an eight. I will look back on something that is recent and ponder my decision but quickly move on and forget. There are many decisions that I have made in life that given a do-over, I would make differently but life is such that I can't change them and so I just learn and move on. Freeing myself of the guilt of making a bad decision is very liberating.

    I had a great uncle that has a similar looking house to Claire's neighbor. We eventually moved him out when he could no longer take care of himself but his house condition was well known for decades before that. At some point, the decision was made that as long as he isn't hurting others, it seemed better to leave him with his house than to impose the mental anguish of moving him against his will.

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    1. Ed, I am rather famous in my family for not wanting to make decisions to the point of avoidance- precisely because I do not want to make the wrong one (on your scale, I may be a -8). That said, I try to learn from the bad ones over time and have come to accept I cannot change them.

      I think it can be a case by case decision. The stress of moving someone against their will is not something I think anyone sane wants to deal with - we did not, as we delayed it for so long and it remained one of my biggest fears of bringing my father back for the day. And their is a part of what the various role is too - Claire's as neighbor is an interesting one in a neighborhood where their are relationships, family is another (Where do friends fall on this range? I am not precisely sure).

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  2. Anonymous6:38 AM

    Ah, the guilt and regrets. I know, as I have lost two in my care fairly recently. I have decided that it is part of the legacy we leave to the next generation. Julia

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    1. Julia, you may be right. I do not know that the timing on such things is ever what we think it should have been. All we can do is to learn for the next time.

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  3. I firmly believe that "shoulda, coulda, woulda" thoughts are pointless. That said, I do sometimes succumb to them. They can be useful in offering advice (suggestions) to others, but can be detrimental if dwelt upon.

    Of our three children, I've tried to arrange things where the one who rarely makes decisions based on emotion is in charge of things. (when the time comes...) We've joked she'll have no problem pulling the plug. (sorry for the dark humor if its offensive)

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    1. Kelly, my parents had things relatively arranged, but there are lots of things that in retrospect, could have been in better order. Something to consider going forward.

      And yes, we probably also know which one will be "the one"...

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  4. We can only go with what we know, TB. People are going to do what they're going to do. NO ONE wants to be confronted by someone saying "You need to be in a home." The parents will push back, so the children decide not to push. There's no guilt involved here. You played your cards the way they were dealt. You went with what you knew. Everyone says "If I had it to do over again I would have..." No you wouldn't have. You would have been the same person in the same situation with the same knowledge... You would have made the same decision...

    As for how much we should be keeping track of neighbors, I usually go with "Something's not right here." Newspapers piling up in the driveway doesn't work anymore. There are few who take the paper anymore. I go with things like; it's dark and the neighbor's goats haven't been penned up, when they usually are by sundown. The normally manicured lawn next door hasn't been cut as usual. The dog that usually doesn't make a sound is barking and howling its head off inside the house... That kind of thing. I also factor in if the person is living alone or not. You gotta go with your gut, TB. That's all any of us can do.

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    1. Thanks Pete. We do the best we can, given the circumstances and relationships. And perhaps sometimes, a bit of wishful thinking that things are not as bad as they really are.

      Neighbors are indeed not what they used to be. I have a nodding acquaintance with most of the immediate ones and could tell you if something seemed off - mostly by if there is traffic at their house or not. Part of it is due to the neighborhood of course, a mixture of rentals and owned homes. People come and go somewhat frequently, and with our heat/cold, there is not a lot of incentive to visit.

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  5. The "what ifs" will make you crazy. You did what you thought best at the time.

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    1. That is the ultimate conclusion I have come to Tewshooz, although sometimes it seems more bitter than others.

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  6. Anonymous11:12 AM

    Both parents suffered from this and when hubby was diagnosed with a form of Alzheimer I read everything I could find on the net. Beat friend is a Dr and he said with underlines in the words - Nothing you can do or did will change the outcome. I was lucky that my parents were planners. They told me what they wanted and when, had the nursing home picked out and had all the papers done to transfer everything to me. It was a relief that I was able to follow their wishes. A friend came over day and told me he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer and handed me the his POA and took me to the bank, investment company and I'm now in 100% control. He's to the point that he has sticky notes on every shelf in his fridge. It's getting close but he's still functional. So once again I can do nothing to change the outcome.
    Margi

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    1. Margi - What a load to carry. We have had to deal with only one confirmed Alzheimer's and what we believe to be stroke dementia, and it is immensely draining.

      My parents had planned, but in retrospect perhaps not enough. The home was a factor we had not put in, although they do have a living trust so that was not a factor. It has certainly helped crystallize my own thinking.

      Thank you for stopping by!

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  7. An old saying. "Hindsight is always 20-20".
    Because you know things now you didn't know then.
    You (and your sister) did the best you could at the time.
    Most people now days don't even know their neighbors, for one reason or another.

    God bless you all, TB.

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    1. It seems that way Linda - and yes, the learning curve is indeed a steep one. Hopefully either we will know better for the next person or someone learns from our experience.

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  8. Ditto what every one is saying. We could all have done something different that would affect the outcome of something. Being in the midst, is a hard place to make decisions, or even see clearly. That takes a perspective change, or time. You've have time. The real question is what to do going forward. And I trust your honorable nature to do the right thing.

    I've had the some similar events recently. And I realized that I did what I thought best at the time. And being in the middle of the scrum, it made perfect sense, at least to me at that time. When the dust is in the air.... well you know already.

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    1. As the saying goes STxAR, no plan survives first contact with the enemy. Perhaps the only thing it argues for is having if not "better" plans, more encompassing ones that look beyond the initial contact experience.

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  9. As said above, both, "coulda, woulda, shoulda" and "analysis paralysis", play into foreseeing and reacting to any event.

    The purpose of looking backwards is indeed to have a better plan for the future.

    Our ducks would not be anywhere near as lined up now unless we had the experience of seeing just how unprepared my inlaws were.

    Don't think that we are smug about this, we know that, “The best laid schemes o' mice an' men / Gang aft a-gley.”

    And speaking of battle plans, "A good plan violently executed now is better than a perfect plan executed next week."

    George S. Patton

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Comments are welcome (and necessary, for good conversation). If you could take the time to be kind and not practice profanity, it would be appreciated. Thanks for posting!