Oscillation

I find myself oscillating  between extremes.

I find myself either excited or frustrated, angry or relatively satisfied.  I suppose the oscillation  itself is something one can learn to live with.  What bothers me is the unbalance between these two states:  I find myself far more frustrated and angry than excited and relatively satisfied.

Where does the anger and frustration come from?  Lately (as you may have gleaned from my writings) it is largely stemming from my work:  not so much the work per se, but the great extent to which I feel powerless to impact or change things in any meaningful way.  Instead, the ability to do anything other than tasks - i.e. change policy or make significant tasks - is extraordinarily limited.

Maybe it has been this way everywhere else I have been.  Memory is always faulty of course, and I may very well be wrong on this.  But with one exception in which the circumstances were similar, I can scarcely recall a time that I have felt so unable to do more than simply execute work.

And maybe that is the core of the problem.  I want to do more.  I want to be able to set policy, to a make a difference, to impact people's lives.  Too often in my current role my ability to do all of these seems extraordinarily limited.

A couple of things have come out of this experience which I need to capitalize on:

1)  The choice of who is above you is critical.  A bad manager completely makes the difference between a bearable job and a prison.

2)  I have limited patience in and stomach for personnel related issues.  I enjoy working with people in my group as primus inter pares, or first among equals.  I do not do well in hierarchies.

3)  I want to be able to make a difference in people's lives and impact them - not just necessarily in ways to just make them feel better but in ways that make a difference in the lives.

I am not sure what to do with information.  I am relatively sure none of this can be implemented in my current role in a way that would truly satisfy these longings.  Perhaps there is nothing more to take away than to remember that, as someone has said, your next decision is your best decision.