Change and Stasis

I feel trapped both in a state of change and in stasis.

On the one hand my life feels like it is completely in a state of flux.  We are in the process of moving and closing out this house, even as I am getting ready to leave for a week of vacation to pick up a van and then motor back.  Essentially all of An Teaglach was out last week, and I will be out for the next week.  Part of my life is already packed away and who knows when I will find it; the other half is waiting to disappear into the vortex of packing boxes.  Na Clann start at different schools as well (the first time this has ever happened) so we are on the cusp of an even greater adjustment of schedules and times.

And yet so much feels the same.  My job is still my job, with its accompanying issues.  My life still feels and looks very much the same as it did before - a sense of a slow going in the same direction rather than any particular changes upcoming. 

In other words, the more things change, the more the seem to stay the same.

This bothers me somewhat.  I have always associated change with an overall good outcome, that something better was going to come of the situation. In this case I have no sense that something better is coming; rather, I simply feel that we are exchanging one living location for another without any sensation that this is an overall improvement.

I do not like change to no purpose.  Change is disruptive enough in a life; change that does not seem to improve anything simply makes it that much more unpleasant.

I keep waiting - perhaps hopelessly - for that moment when the better part of the change suddenly becomes apparent; where the life improvement reveals itself and all of a sudden the flux and change suddenly is revealed for the agent of a better tomorrow that I desperately wish they were.

But for now they remain silent:  the boxes slowly stack, the work continues one, and I attempt to manage my own sense wishing this change will go somewhere wonderful but managing my expectations that it will not.