Valued

In speaking with Silverline on a work issue that she was facing, I was taking the opportunity (some might say taking over the conversation, but that's just some people) with my suggestions about what needed to be done to rectify the situation. There have been accusations (unmerited, I might add) that I tend to get a little "fiery" and "preachy" when I'm dealing with a problem and solutions: I tend not to temporize and theorize but give direct advice.

"You should do this" I suggested.

"We thought of that" she replied. "It won't work for these reasons."

"Okay" I said. "Do this instead. And this. And don't let them tell you this - it's not supportable."

About this point in the conversation - in all conversations like this - I suddenly catch myself acting like this. "I'm sorry" I said (actually, I always say every time). "I just get a little fiery."

"No need to be sorry" she replied. "Actually, I can always tell when you feel like you're in control. You start proposing solutions, you speak confidently, you are firm in your opinions."

I had never thought of this before.

Why is this? Why is it that in certain situations there is an ability to act confidently and suggest from a position of strength, while in others (to me, it seems like most) I simply collapse or wait passively until the course of action is laid out?

I would say knowledge base but that's not it - I can think of plenty times I was the most knowledgeable guy in the room on a subject and didn't act confidently. It's not the people I'm with - I can be with people who don't matter at all and don't control me but still sit there, passively.

And then it hit me: control.

That's something that hasn't been coming up lately.

It's control - control of the situation in the sense that I subconsciously know that my opinion will be respected and valued, even if it will be disagreed with.

There is nothing more defeating, more disheartening, than to be asked for your input or opinion and know even as you suggest it that it will disregarded; likewise, there is nothing equally as de-energizing than to have decisions which could (or should) be made by others foisted off on you. In both cases it creates a sense of futility, a sense of no matter what I think or do it doesn't really matter: I will either be ignored or I will end up having to do it someone else's way anyway, so what's the point.

But here's where the control comes in: I put myself in those situations.

Be it work or personal relationships or even getting my oil changed, I have put myself in the position and with people that can't (or won't) deal with me. You know of what I speak: how is it with some people you are endlessly creative, resourceful, always finding a way out or other options, and with others you simply become inert, almost anxiously waiting for the conversation to be over so you can get back to doing something (since your suggestion won't work).

So here's the puzzle/challenge: How do I recognize those situations? How do I put myself in more of them? How do I minimize those that create these feelings now?

I'll be utterly honest: I like the way I feel when I am in control. It's like stance in Iaido: powerful, strong, confident, ready for action. It makes me feel able, feel competent.

How do I become this man I continue to see hints of?