Control

I lack control.

No, not the control of others through power and no, not the control over self (although self control may be part of it). It's at the same time more basic and more involved: the ability to control. Myself.

In Iaido there are different levels of cuts: head, body, wrist, shin, etc. One of the items which becomes important is not only ability to make a cut, but the ability to stop a cut. So for example, if I am to cut at min (head) I need to stop at head; I should not continue straight down into the body (do). This may sound like a simple task, especially for a 1 or 2 lb. bokudo; I assure that, when one picks of speed or simply is concentrating on something else, it's all too easy to move the sword all the way through without even thinking.

Or take weight lifting: it is very easy to quickly go through the motions; in fact, you can lift heavier weights and be done much quicker. However, to control the weight, to move it in a slow fashion and stop it rather than let it continue to plunge, is what (with the actual weight itself) will build the strength.

So perhaps maybe saying "control" is a bit misleading. Perhaps "control of" is more accurate.

But "control of" what? Simple things in most cases: What I think. What I say. What I feel. How I react. How I consciously choose the direction of my life.

For these kinds of things, I can see that my own emotions - fear (or terror) and pride -become major roadblocks of the process. In virtually all the cases that I listed above, fear and pride become the speed to get through things (discomfort of dealing with them) or the avoidance of situation (a sincere dislike of conflict; contrariwise, a sincere desire that everyone likes me and gets along).

However, the reality is this: only those that have "control of" themselves are the ones who are able to make good decisions, provide good leadership, lead lives of quasar-like brillance. Without control of, we always end up overshooting or undershooting the mark: drowning the orchid in a bucket of water when only tablespoon was needed, or not completing the conversation we were meaning to have because it's boring or uncomfortable.

If I do not have "control of", I have no control - of others, of myself, of the set of the sail in my life.