I do not fit in where I go to church. Increasingly I do not feel like that in at my career place. I do not fit in at Throwing like I used to. I have not (for a while) felt like I fit within my circle of friends.
(For the record, I do still fit at Iai and and the Rabbit Shelter - but rabbits are pretty pleasant companions). In almost ever aspect of my life, I do not feel like I fit in. The sense is that my life is slowly being compacted and pushed off a ledge over a cliff from which I can hear the waves of the raging sea.
The problem seems to be that I am not really fitting in anywhere else either. If there are other places that I might fit in, these have not readily come to mind or readily presented themselves (not that there seems to have been time for that of late, however). Instead, it seems the lamps of my life are slowly being extinguished one by one while I wait for a dawn which I hope is coming - think is coming - but have no real guarantee is coming.
I asked God about it tonight walking Poppy - really, let us be fair, it was someone more of an accusation. "When, God? When do things clear up? When do I find the path forward?"
The answer I got was "Trust Me."
Not, as you can imagine, the clearest sort of answer I was hoping for. A time frame gives us something to framer expectations and efforts around but simple trust is something that says an event can go for five minutes or fifteen years. And there is no really hint of such a trust dawn except to pay careful attention to the world around you for the dim lightning which suggests that it may be finally coming.
But this was the only answer offered.
And so I wait in the gathering gloom of nightfall. I can feel that there is a next step but, like a man in a cave, I can make no progress without injuring myself - until the dawn arrives.