A day of pointlessness awaits.
Not that it is not busy. Essentially I will hit the ground from commuting running, spending the entire day (excepting lunch) in meetings or trainings. While I am in these meetings there is work that needs to be done: documents that need to be reviewed, items that need to be signed, questions that need to be asked - all of which, of course, will have to be filled in around the margins. Then I will commute back home (1.5 hours it took last night) to try and cram in whatever actual life I am trying to have. If I am smart (and I seldom am) I will try to sleep at a reasonable hour, thus further constricting my other time. This is what my life seems to have become.
These are those days when I sincerely ask "Is this it?" Because I can go through the entire day, meet everyone else's expectations of me and still feel as if I have accomplished not one thing. Which of course leaves me completely cold about starting the day at all.
It is not that life is horribly bad, I suppose. It is just that it is so bureaucratic, so layered with tasks and jobs of little seeming importance that must be accomplished that I scarcely feel that it will be anything but a day of life ultimately wasted in the pursuit of trivia.
In other words, a pointless day
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
A Hesitation Considered
I am continuing to work towards my shoden certification in Iaijutsu. The testing ultimately involves a rather diverse set of knowledge - not only kata but terminology and history as well. It is a rather extensive set of knowledge, much of it behind the scenes for anyone who is a casual observer.
The one part that I have struggled with the most is that open hand kata - in other words, the part where one is use just one's hands to defend one's self (the world pictures this more as "karate" or some other martial art). Some of this is knowledge, of course - I am a slow kinetic learner and so I have to repeat things a multiplicity of times - but some of it seems to be a true mental block on my part to be able to learn things.
This is bothersome to me.
Is it a lack of confidence? Perhaps. I have never really done anything like I am doing now and so (in my heart of hearts) I doubt that I can do it. Is it a feeling that I will never be able to do it correctly (different from self confidence in that it is not my ability to do it but my ability to do it well that is in question)? Again, perhaps - although the great secret of iaijutsu is that in fact we are on all on a journey of constant self improvement, getting incrementally better over the course of our lives. Or could simply be a simple fear that I will accidentally hurt someone in my practicing? Again perhaps - I have accidentally done so before in my life, although in this I can my certain: my jousting partners are far stronger and more experienced than I.
So what is it?
I wish I knew. The nagging doubts constantly assail me, that I will get to the point testing and choke. Visions of a failed test assail me, even more so than the vision of holding the menkyo (certificate) in my hand.
So what to do?
Practice. That is all I can do. Practice and practice again. Move my body in the ways it should until it does what it should be doing, even if my mind continues to suffer from a lack of confidence. Practice until my body is simply able to put my mind aside and carry on.
The reality - something I happily quote to everyone else around me - is that all experts started out as amateurs with no better knowledge base than I have. They just got better.
Time to practice what I preach.
The one part that I have struggled with the most is that open hand kata - in other words, the part where one is use just one's hands to defend one's self (the world pictures this more as "karate" or some other martial art). Some of this is knowledge, of course - I am a slow kinetic learner and so I have to repeat things a multiplicity of times - but some of it seems to be a true mental block on my part to be able to learn things.
This is bothersome to me.
Is it a lack of confidence? Perhaps. I have never really done anything like I am doing now and so (in my heart of hearts) I doubt that I can do it. Is it a feeling that I will never be able to do it correctly (different from self confidence in that it is not my ability to do it but my ability to do it well that is in question)? Again, perhaps - although the great secret of iaijutsu is that in fact we are on all on a journey of constant self improvement, getting incrementally better over the course of our lives. Or could simply be a simple fear that I will accidentally hurt someone in my practicing? Again perhaps - I have accidentally done so before in my life, although in this I can my certain: my jousting partners are far stronger and more experienced than I.
So what is it?
I wish I knew. The nagging doubts constantly assail me, that I will get to the point testing and choke. Visions of a failed test assail me, even more so than the vision of holding the menkyo (certificate) in my hand.
So what to do?
Practice. That is all I can do. Practice and practice again. Move my body in the ways it should until it does what it should be doing, even if my mind continues to suffer from a lack of confidence. Practice until my body is simply able to put my mind aside and carry on.
The reality - something I happily quote to everyone else around me - is that all experts started out as amateurs with no better knowledge base than I have. They just got better.
Time to practice what I preach.
Monday, December 09, 2013
Today
There are days where I feel
that Monday is here and I am ready:
ready to take on the world,
ready to take on work.
But not today.
Today I feel unrested mentally.
Today I feel physically out of sorts:
slept not enough - or too much?
Either way, I got up late.
Today my mind is cloud with debris of the weekend,
letting things of no importance eat away my time:
Avoidance perhaps? Pretending that what I have to do
is not coming?
Perhaps.
But today is here.
And so I try to put aside that which clouds my mind and soul
and be about the business of living.
Tomorrow will be better.
that Monday is here and I am ready:
ready to take on the world,
ready to take on work.
But not today.
Today I feel unrested mentally.
Today I feel physically out of sorts:
slept not enough - or too much?
Either way, I got up late.
Today my mind is cloud with debris of the weekend,
letting things of no importance eat away my time:
Avoidance perhaps? Pretending that what I have to do
is not coming?
Perhaps.
But today is here.
And so I try to put aside that which clouds my mind and soul
and be about the business of living.
Tomorrow will be better.
Friday, December 06, 2013
Idiot
I do not like being called an idiot.
Oh, it is not like this is a common occurrence in my life or ever has been. Certainly no-one has walked up to me lately and said "You know, you are an idiot". But what I do resent - or at least what a thought process lead me to realize I resent - is the implication that I am an idiot.
An idiot? Stupid. Uneducated. Do not know what I am doing - so much so that people take it upon themselves to do the things they have asked me to do.
Where did this come from? Stellar question. I do not really have a good answer to give. I think of specific incidents in my life where such a thing has occurred but never the "first time" that lead to all this. More relevant, of course, is why all of this matters.
Why does it matter? Because of the reaction it generates within me: I become defensive, angry, even sullen in a sort of "drag my feet I will do what you want but as slowly as possibly". Not the sort of reaction one needs if one wants to move forward with one's life.
And why does it make me feel this way? I have given this some thought. The reason seems to be what you are implying when you effectively treat me as an idiot. You demean me. You ignore what I am saying or doing and treat it as it is not important - maybe because it is wrong or not the best way to do it but just as likely because it does not meet the way you want to do it e.g. your ego. If you are really trying to do it effectively, you will do it in public so you can effectively humiliate me in front of everyone else and make look stupid. Or foolish.
Like an idiot.
This realization was actually quite freeing once it happened. Suddenly a great deal of my reactions to certain individuals and certain situations was clearly explained. Why is it that I can freely make and admit errors to some with no shame or reaction - even good humor - why other times such things and the reactions set my teeth on edge? Simple. In one situation it an error, something I have done. In the second, it is an error but the implication is that it is something that I am.
Could pride be involved here? Possibly. I tend to have a vision of how I would like the world to view me and how I see myself and the implication that I am stupid or ignorant or uneducated does not play well with that vision. To that extent, that is something I will need to resolve myself.
But the other part - that part I need to parse out internally - is simply how to avoid reacting that way in those other situations. How do I transfer that sense of being called an idiot away from a personal assessment and into another channel? How do I manage my rising tide of anger and resentment when such a thing happens? Here lies ulimate conquest and power.
Being called an idiot may happen from time to time. Taking it to heart should not.
Oh, it is not like this is a common occurrence in my life or ever has been. Certainly no-one has walked up to me lately and said "You know, you are an idiot". But what I do resent - or at least what a thought process lead me to realize I resent - is the implication that I am an idiot.
An idiot? Stupid. Uneducated. Do not know what I am doing - so much so that people take it upon themselves to do the things they have asked me to do.
Where did this come from? Stellar question. I do not really have a good answer to give. I think of specific incidents in my life where such a thing has occurred but never the "first time" that lead to all this. More relevant, of course, is why all of this matters.
Why does it matter? Because of the reaction it generates within me: I become defensive, angry, even sullen in a sort of "drag my feet I will do what you want but as slowly as possibly". Not the sort of reaction one needs if one wants to move forward with one's life.
And why does it make me feel this way? I have given this some thought. The reason seems to be what you are implying when you effectively treat me as an idiot. You demean me. You ignore what I am saying or doing and treat it as it is not important - maybe because it is wrong or not the best way to do it but just as likely because it does not meet the way you want to do it e.g. your ego. If you are really trying to do it effectively, you will do it in public so you can effectively humiliate me in front of everyone else and make look stupid. Or foolish.
Like an idiot.
This realization was actually quite freeing once it happened. Suddenly a great deal of my reactions to certain individuals and certain situations was clearly explained. Why is it that I can freely make and admit errors to some with no shame or reaction - even good humor - why other times such things and the reactions set my teeth on edge? Simple. In one situation it an error, something I have done. In the second, it is an error but the implication is that it is something that I am.
Could pride be involved here? Possibly. I tend to have a vision of how I would like the world to view me and how I see myself and the implication that I am stupid or ignorant or uneducated does not play well with that vision. To that extent, that is something I will need to resolve myself.
But the other part - that part I need to parse out internally - is simply how to avoid reacting that way in those other situations. How do I transfer that sense of being called an idiot away from a personal assessment and into another channel? How do I manage my rising tide of anger and resentment when such a thing happens? Here lies ulimate conquest and power.
Being called an idiot may happen from time to time. Taking it to heart should not.
Thursday, December 05, 2013
Reflections on a Winter's Morning
As I sit typing this morning the wind is whipping across the chimney and howling down through the fireplace. If I go and stand outside the front door the trees are bending with the force of the front as it blows in. The ground, which betrayed nothing but the appearance of summer yesterday, is now damp from the unheard rain that fell sometimes in the night. After a brief foray back into the Autumn that never seems to be long enough we have careened directly into Winter.
The cold is the thing I like the least. I can certainly deal with rain. I can even deal with the wind (although we never had a great deal like this where I came from). The one thing that I cannot wrap my head around is cold - not just the cold of winter, but the cold that cracks your fingers and makes sure that you are never really that warm, the sort of days you wish you had the covering of snow to at least make the cold worth it.
But these are some of the best days to be inside watching. The trees dance in the wind here unlike anything I have seen before in my life: not the gentle swaying of the pines at the Ranch as the wind blows over the Sierras nor the majesty of the Redwoods of my college days where the trees are so large and tall that they do not seem to move at all. The oaks and cedars here flail back and forth as if shaken by a rather large hand, standing where the larger trees would probably break
It is a privilege - and one I do not feel grateful for often enough - that I have had the opportunity to live in some many places so that I can see and experience such things. That I can look at trees and know that they do not behave the same way other places. That the wind roars down here from Canada where in other places I have lived it roared from over the ocean. They both roar and they both bring rain - but how differently they do so.
How wonderful - and suprisingly different while being the same - is God's creation.
The cold is the thing I like the least. I can certainly deal with rain. I can even deal with the wind (although we never had a great deal like this where I came from). The one thing that I cannot wrap my head around is cold - not just the cold of winter, but the cold that cracks your fingers and makes sure that you are never really that warm, the sort of days you wish you had the covering of snow to at least make the cold worth it.
But these are some of the best days to be inside watching. The trees dance in the wind here unlike anything I have seen before in my life: not the gentle swaying of the pines at the Ranch as the wind blows over the Sierras nor the majesty of the Redwoods of my college days where the trees are so large and tall that they do not seem to move at all. The oaks and cedars here flail back and forth as if shaken by a rather large hand, standing where the larger trees would probably break
It is a privilege - and one I do not feel grateful for often enough - that I have had the opportunity to live in some many places so that I can see and experience such things. That I can look at trees and know that they do not behave the same way other places. That the wind roars down here from Canada where in other places I have lived it roared from over the ocean. They both roar and they both bring rain - but how differently they do so.
How wonderful - and suprisingly different while being the same - is God's creation.
Wednesday, December 04, 2013
Giving More Effort
One of the things I find I have difficulties with is giving my all in environments which are less than rewarding. It is one thing, of course, to put your effort in where effort equals outcome. It is quite a different thing to do where effort seems to go nowhere.
But I think I am viewing this incorrectly.
Jeffrey Gitomer at least got met to start thinking in another direction here with his article on customer service. His point, simply put, is as follows:
"KEY POINT OF UNDERSTANDING: Once you understand that you’re serving for yourself, once you understand that your attitude will determine your communication excellence, and once you understand your personal pride will dictate your actions – at once you see your possibilities, and will have the ability to better improve your performance."
It is not about them. That is something of a good reminder for me - them being the company, the client, the management, even other employees. The amount of effort I put in should be somewhat divorced from any immediate results which I might not see because ultimately the level of effort (or service, as Gitomer puts it) that I put in is a benefit to me - whether from my sense of pride about how I act and what I output or from the longer return that may be realized from it )e.g. get trained, work hard, take the experience and move on). It also allows me to work on improving my performance - that is, if I do not know where the edge of what I can do is, the change of me pushing that boundary is very limited.
There is also that indefinable quality that lets one go away from any situation like this and have the feeling that one did the best that one could, that one achieved something even if it was not recognized by anyone else. That may seem a bit quaint for some and certainly may not yield any tangible rewards but it does give one the psychic boost of having worked as hard as one could.
So yes, effort is important even if the situation does not seem to immediately reward it. I simply need to expand my vision to see all the possibilities.
But I think I am viewing this incorrectly.
Jeffrey Gitomer at least got met to start thinking in another direction here with his article on customer service. His point, simply put, is as follows:
"KEY POINT OF UNDERSTANDING: Once you understand that you’re serving for yourself, once you understand that your attitude will determine your communication excellence, and once you understand your personal pride will dictate your actions – at once you see your possibilities, and will have the ability to better improve your performance."
It is not about them. That is something of a good reminder for me - them being the company, the client, the management, even other employees. The amount of effort I put in should be somewhat divorced from any immediate results which I might not see because ultimately the level of effort (or service, as Gitomer puts it) that I put in is a benefit to me - whether from my sense of pride about how I act and what I output or from the longer return that may be realized from it )e.g. get trained, work hard, take the experience and move on). It also allows me to work on improving my performance - that is, if I do not know where the edge of what I can do is, the change of me pushing that boundary is very limited.
There is also that indefinable quality that lets one go away from any situation like this and have the feeling that one did the best that one could, that one achieved something even if it was not recognized by anyone else. That may seem a bit quaint for some and certainly may not yield any tangible rewards but it does give one the psychic boost of having worked as hard as one could.
So yes, effort is important even if the situation does not seem to immediately reward it. I simply need to expand my vision to see all the possibilities.
Tuesday, December 03, 2013
Extroverted Invtrovert
On the way to something else yesterday I suddenly discovered that I am an extroverted introvert.
I actually realized that I like people. I like interacting with them. I like (heaven forfend) talking to them. Not all the time of course. And not unconditionally. But a great deal more than what I thought I did.
I have always considered myself an introvert. But lately what has popped up a couple of times is that introversion is not so much preferring the absence of people as it is how you recharge. Extroverts can charge up in atmospheres with people, introverts need quiet time away to do so.
The quiet time away for recharging has not changed for me - there are weekends where after a typical week all I want to do is crawl into a hole and read. But recharging, as I have to make myself realize, is more of how we regain energy, not how that energy is spent. It is like a cell phone: the energy for it can be used quickly or slowly but it is still used. The phone still has to be plugged in somewhere.
What does this realization mean? It means that I can actually concede that I like spending time with people - and it is okay to mention that to myself. It means that I can give myself permission to seek out others to spend time with. And it certainly means that I can (and need) to work on honing up my conversational and relational abilities to be better at making and carrying conversations.
If I realize this, I am excited to come to grips with what it actually means as move on with this knowledge. Not that it really changes anything - but it would seem that everything changes.
I actually realized that I like people. I like interacting with them. I like (heaven forfend) talking to them. Not all the time of course. And not unconditionally. But a great deal more than what I thought I did.
I have always considered myself an introvert. But lately what has popped up a couple of times is that introversion is not so much preferring the absence of people as it is how you recharge. Extroverts can charge up in atmospheres with people, introverts need quiet time away to do so.
The quiet time away for recharging has not changed for me - there are weekends where after a typical week all I want to do is crawl into a hole and read. But recharging, as I have to make myself realize, is more of how we regain energy, not how that energy is spent. It is like a cell phone: the energy for it can be used quickly or slowly but it is still used. The phone still has to be plugged in somewhere.
What does this realization mean? It means that I can actually concede that I like spending time with people - and it is okay to mention that to myself. It means that I can give myself permission to seek out others to spend time with. And it certainly means that I can (and need) to work on honing up my conversational and relational abilities to be better at making and carrying conversations.
If I realize this, I am excited to come to grips with what it actually means as move on with this knowledge. Not that it really changes anything - but it would seem that everything changes.
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