Friday, October 21, 2011


One of those "Where am I going" moments this morning.

I piled into the car running late from work last night, having left a large stack of documentation ready to be put into a binder (for review, signoff, and eventual filing in a cabinet drawer to quite possibly never be reviewed again), a large pile on my desk of things to do, and at least two things to do this morning prior to 1000 which would only get accomplished if I showed up early in the morning. To add to my joy, I had a vague sense of uneasiness as I got ready to leave.

As I drove off (to immediately get caught in traffic), I tried to put work behind me until the next day - but it continued to creep back into my mind: what I had to do tomorrow, when was I going to have time to do it all, what sort of landscape would I come into tomorrow, what battles would I have to fight. I sat there in the car, slowly moving forward, twitching back and forth between radio stations as I looked for something - anything- to take my mind off what I already saw looming in the coming morning.

I'd like to say that I was easily able to let everything go - that's not, and has never been me. That moment of complete overload followed me from the car to my home, from my home to my bed, from my bed to my lack of sleep and dreams and waking again at 0415 thinking "Hey, I'm up - I can make it to work early."

I'm finding I'm becoming nagged by this vague feeling that I'll never get all my work done and thus I always have weaknesses that can be exploited by those above me.

Yes, I understand that I have to work for a living - but if never completing everything, a vague sense of dread, and the resulting sense I have to work more to compensate for a lack of resources constitutes work, is that something that bodes well for a long term destination?

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