Monday, December 13, 2010

Chambers

We all have places within our lives - chambers, if you will, which we alone know what is in them fully. Others may know part of what lies within, but have either forgotten or have long since moved on. Sometimes these are things which only we ourselves know. In some cases these simply become wedged shut with disuse, in other cases they become locked either by ourselves or others. Yet those chambers exist there, parts of our lives which never really go away.

We know about some of them. Some we consciously steer ourselves and others away from, whether from an active knowledge of what lies within or a vague sense of dread that occurs each time we approach the door. If one is not careful, one's life can become a series of dim hallways with rows of doors that are never to be opened again, a rut of gloom leading into the night.

And then one day, whether we will it or not, the doors begin to spring open.

It can be a heady experience. In some cases dreams long gone spring to our minds, songs that we had thought we had forgotten long pour from our lips, emotions that had only been subsisting suddenly take on a life of their own.

But a heady experience is not always a good one. In some cases these things are less exciting, less noble: old injuries long forgotten, emotional wounds that never really healed, in some cases things that were put in chambers because they truly never should have seen the light of day.

They pour out like a roaring torrent, seeking to overwhelm one's self in their rush to see the daylight they have not seen in years, to hear the sounds of human voices, to feel the air of life, the air of possibilities on their skin. They push and shove, they clamor for attention, they turn one's life upside down as each one fights for their moment in the sun, at a minimum to be recognized, at a maximum to be re-engaged.

I wonder if this is why so many people, at some point in their lives, simply stop trying to access their inner lives. To let out that which is within is a frightening process: like a torrent released, once released one cannot really guide it as to where to go. It may go into the stream bed; it may rush over the stream bed and lay waste to everything around it.

But not to do something simply because we cannot predict the outcome is no reason not to do it.

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