I realized this morning, getting ready for work, that I am unmotivated.
Oh, I have lots of things to do of course. It is just that there is the increasing sense of moving from one required task to another instead of a purpose and action to them. Marking time, one might almost call it.
I worry that this stems from a sense of "doing what you have to, blooming where you are planted." Yes, I get the application of that in real life - at the same time, I am wondering if it also can lead to the development of a essentially a programmed life instead of a life lived (The two outcomes are not mutually exclusive).
Every time I get in this state of mind, I have flashes of "initiative", where (mostly out of frustration) I get aggravated enough to take action. I say "aggravated" because there is a certain sense that it stems from an emotional area I usually do not find myself dwelling in. Then I suddenly feel guilty that I was this emotional and completely fall back into my previous passive state of mind.
Which gets me nowhere, of course.
In one sense this strikes me as completely ridiculous, this back and forth of passivity interrupted by brief moments of frenzied acivity. It does not make for a lot of forward progress - but neither do I necessarily feel good about things when I make progress in that state. To be frank, it feels like I am angry all the time (or perhaps frustrated - but angry is how I feel).
And thus, irrational motivation. I get motivated, but it is scarcely the sort of thing that seems sustained or even productive in the long term. Precisely what I do not need, of course: I need the sort of motivation that will be sustainable and will not leave me in a state of constantly feeling guilty or relapse into periods of "maintenance" that will eventually push me back the other way.
It seems a loop as I write this, an endless loop that prevents me from actually making any progress while feeling as if I am either doing "the right thing" or am pushing limits.
If a loop, how do I break it?
If a behavior, how do I modify it?
And if I am guilty when I try to make progress, why is that and where is it coming from?